How are you feeling today?....

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Saavik said:
Feeling especially down today, I'm at a very low point and I'm freezing because they won't turn the damn AC off in this building. I decided to finally pour my heart out to someone I love, the only person in this world I've ever felt anything for and she had told me before she had feelings for me, but the response I received was a 'let's be friends' and she said it twice.

Why is it if you like someone or in this case like so strongly you can classify it as love, nobody ever shares your feelings in return, ever. From basic friendship to something that transcends being friends, nobody ever wants to know you or be around you, nobody ever returns your feelings.

To make it worse, after having that conversation with the person, that you've known for some time, you go take a test, get a perfect score, get told how rare it is for anyone to get a perfect score on it, feel nothing about that and then meet with a person who will be your instructor and them ask you about friends and you tell them you have none, but somehow they want you to explain to them why you have no friends.

Then after that, she goes on a rant about the difficulty of the course and makes it sound so hard, nobody could possibly finish it and generally just leaves you feeling entirely worthless.

I just wish I were actually able to function in this world, but it just doesn't seem like it's possible, no matter how hard I try. Sorry to bring everyone down, but it's how I feel, it's bothering me having nobody to share it with and I'd post good feelings, if I ever had them.
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A) Everyone gets sad once in a while. Of course you just poured your feelings out to someone and they basically just said "okay" and rejected them so you're going to be in a rut. That's to be expected. The only thing you can do is press on and try to be optimistic and look at the positive things that you have going on in your life... There are positive things and things could always be worse, just remember that. Sometimes it's hard for us to admit and see that, but believe me, it can ALWAYS be worse.

B) Just because they said "let's be friends now" does not mean that's what will remain. I had a girl that had the hots for me for YEARS when I was 15 and I had absolutely ZERO interest in her that way. We remained friends for a few years. Eventually over time I saw and gained interest in her. We eventually dated and had a wonderful relationship. Of course, she cheated on me and was a total douche but that's besides the point... If she wouldn't have done that, we may have still been together, who knows!? ( I've been single forever and a day literally so I'm probably a terrible example but it's all I've got. ) Anyway, the point being is just because she's saying let's be friends now, doesn't necessarily mean it has to or will stay that way. :) Things change.

C) Maybe this is a good time to meet with your psychologist and therapist. I know I say this a lot but I've been there and I'm still there with the whole "monthly meetings" thing... those are very important... they really do help... :( Even if you don't think they do... :ugh: Even if you don't want to admit they do.

Point being in all of this, things change, we and people change... nothing is forever and no answer is ever permanent. Don't let this be the stake in your heart or the thing to flatten you over like a steam roller. Women are complicated creatures. I'm a woman and even I don't understand them. I've been single forever... I sit back and look at them scratching my head wondering WTF most of the time... and think I hope to the kitten gods I am fortunate to find a woman one day who isn't complicated like that one day dear kitty lord!!! They are a head full of confusion and headaches. Maybe she is scared or doesn't know what she wants. Either way, never say never, and nothing is forever... just remember that and keep your head up. Focus on positive things and eventually things will start to look up. I know being single sometimes can be lonely and everything... However you have to learn to focus on yourself to be truly happy. When you can do that and be completely happy with yourself, that's when you will be able to make someone else completely happy. Maybe that's what you really need to do before making that jump, anyway. :)
 
Feeling SORE! And not from sex, unfortunately!
 
shel90 said:
Feeling SORE! And not from sex, unfortunately!
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Why did I know you would post being sore...after seeing your post yesterday about being at the gym for 4 hours. ;)


Sent from my iPhone using AllDeaf
 
Mewtilation said:
...Maybe this is a good time to meet with your psychologist and therapist. I know I say this a lot but I've been there and I'm still there with the whole "monthly meetings" thing... those are very important... they really do help... Even if you don't think they do... Even if you don't want to admit they do.
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Even if the nearest deaf therapist I could find and had been seeing for a couple of months ended up breaking confidentiality? No thank you. I have been through five different therapists--a hearing therapist who claimed to know ASL (her signs were horrendous!), three hearing therapists with interpreters (the office would fail to make interpreter arrangements just about every time), and the deaf therapist who knows ASL but doesn't know a lick about how to behave professionally and keep it confidential.

I'm waiting for the day that I can afford to have therapy over the VP with a deaf therapist (someone who is definitely not in Sacramento county) or even online therapy with a hearing therapist with specific experience and specialty areas that I'm looking for.
 
Mewtilation said:
A) Everyone gets sad once in a while. Of course you just poured your feelings out to someone and they basically just said "okay" and rejected them so you're going to be in a rut. That's to be expected. The only thing you can do is press on and try to be optimistic and look at the positive things that you have going on in your life... There are positive things and things could always be worse, just remember that. Sometimes it's hard for us to admit and see that, but believe me, it can ALWAYS be worse.

B) Just because they said "let's be friends now" does not mean that's what will remain. I had a girl that had the hots for me for YEARS when I was 15 and I had absolutely ZERO interest in her that way. We remained friends for a few years. Eventually over time I saw and gained interest in her. We eventually dated and had a wonderful relationship. Of course, she cheated on me and was a total douche but that's besides the point... If she wouldn't have done that, we may have still been together, who knows!? ( I've been single forever and a day literally so I'm probably a terrible example but it's all I've got. ) Anyway, the point being is just because she's saying let's be friends now, doesn't necessarily mean it has to or will stay that way. :) Things change.

C) Maybe this is a good time to meet with your psychologist and therapist. I know I say this a lot but I've been there and I'm still there with the whole "monthly meetings" thing... those are very important... they really do help... :( Even if you don't think they do... :ugh: Even if you don't want to admit they do.

Point being in all of this, things change, we and people change... nothing is forever and no answer is ever permanent. Don't let this be the stake in your heart or the thing to flatten you over like a steam roller. Women are complicated creatures. I'm a woman and even I don't understand them. I've been single forever... I sit back and look at them scratching my head wondering WTF most of the time... and think I hope to the kitten gods I am fortunate to find a woman one day who isn't complicated like that one day dear kitty lord!!! They are a head full of confusion and headaches. Maybe she is scared or doesn't know what she wants. Either way, never say never, and nothing is forever... just remember that and keep your head up. Focus on positive things and eventually things will start to look up. I know being single sometimes can be lonely and everything... However you have to learn to focus on yourself to be truly happy. When you can do that and be completely happy with yourself, that's when you will be able to make someone else completely happy. Maybe that's what you really need to do before making that jump, anyway. :)
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I talk to my old counselor for the first time since December this Friday and I'm going to be entirely honest no matter the consequences of my honesty. I don't see any reason to be positive at all. I'm out of money, I was put on mandatory leave until 7 July, so I'm stuck staying at the only place I have to go and it's driving me deeper into darker thoughts to the point I feel I might at some point act on them. I'm almost out of hormones, the one positive thing I had going for me is about to come to an end. I'm alone in the world, no matter how much I try to believe I can function in this world, reality proves otherwise.

I tried listing the motorcycle for sale, but nobody seems to want it and I have nothing else of value to sell, just clothes and this computer. Really, the only things I own not including the motorcycle I'm trying to sell to stay afloat are my car, which I need, clothing, a few books and this laptop. No, I'm not spending money I don't have on alcohol or weed, haven't had either in quite some time. I'm living in my parents house again and since they have no shower, toilet or anything, I haven't been able to bathe in a week so far. I'm lonely and feel lots of emotional pain.

I even have a speeding ticket from weeks ago that I can't afford to pay, I can't pay insurance costs, fuel or anything. I've tried searching for work on Virginia's employment site, but found nothing I can do, for physical restriction or lack of certifications. Every attempt to contact Social Security for disability goes unanswered, they won't reply and I can't afford a trip to the nearest office. I'm going to try and file again for VA benefits, but that never seems to go anywhere.

I tried to make a friend recently and that failed, I tried being the opposite of how I normally am and told them nothing of my issues, because I wanted to make a friend. Nobody wants to be my friend, the people I care about eventually reject me and I'm tired of it and can't deal with any of this crap much longer. Like I said, I'm laying all of this out for my counselor this Friday, so I'm not going to bother with going to a hospital or anything. I am regretting not ending myself when I had the chance to back when I was in the Army.

I really feel I'll never know happiness, friendship or the touch of another person; I'll never amount to anything because of physical and psychological limitations. I tried my hardest to deal with the pain caused to bilateral knee injury from the Army and my scoliosis pain and my shoulder pain to succeed in the Auto Mechanics course, now while I wait at my parents house, which is in dire need of being condemned and a cleansing fire, I wait until the computer course starts, but the instructor isn't sure with my disabilities that I'll be able to make it, let alone the aspect of climbing ladders and crawling around in the ceiling with my knee, back and claustrophobia problems.

Safe to say, I just feel like a useless, half deaf, cripple that can't seem to make life work for me and I'm tired of the absolute loneliness and living in third world conditions. I thought moving out would work, but life is one giant vicious circle, things look up for short periods, then come full circle back to square one, or worse.

I'm just speaking to get things out right now, so please don't judge, I'm tired of judgement.
 
Saavik,

I did not mean to sound rude but it appears to me that you have so much going on, and always try to find a way. I think you could have make some $ by writing a book based on your experiences. I know lots of people do want to know more how you are dealing with everything. Just thought..

Again, I do not judge you but found you that you are a fighter. Hope something that will happen so good to you, so soon.
 
Frisky Feline said:
Saavik,

I did not mean to sound rude but it appears to me that you have so much going on, and always try to find a way. I think you could have make some $ by writing a book based on your experiences. I know lots of people do want to know more how you are dealing with everything. Just thought..

Again, I do not judge you but found you that you are a fighter. Hope something that will happen so good to you, so soon.
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Yeah, I'm a piss poor writer, I'd write a small book because I'm not good at drawing out stories, I just try and get to the point without fluff. I bet Go Dog Go would be a longer book than mine would be and from my life, I doubt most people would believe my memories.

How am I dealing with things? I push legal boundaries where I can, I run into debt, and other than that, I do the best I can to keep the thoughts picturing myself with a gun in my mouth away, which is a war of attrition that I feel I'm slowly losing.

What I'd give right now for weed or Everclear, I just want to numb so badly as feeling just hurts me all the time.
 
LoveBlue said:
Why did I know you would post being sore...after seeing your post yesterday about being at the gym for 4 hours. ;)


Sent from my iPhone using AllDeaf
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Now, I am even more sore and it was just from a mere 30 mins of playing hard basketball at work yesterday.
 
shel90 said:
Now, I am even more sore and it was just from a mere 30 mins of playing hard basketball at work yesterday.
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I had a dream I played basketball last night.... Weeeeeeeeeeeird... :P

I have been wanting to play tennis lately... :P
 
Mewtilation said:
I had a dream I played basketball last night.... Weeeeeeeeeeeird... :P

I have been wanting to play tennis lately... :P
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I played tennis for the first time in years last summer and I ended up with a severe inflammation in my wrist. I was so bummed!
 
Saavik said:
Yeah, I'm a piss poor writer, I'd write a small book because I'm not good at drawing out stories, I just try and get to the point without fluff. I bet Go Dog Go would be a longer book than mine would be and from my life, I doubt most people would believe my memories.

How am I dealing with things? I push legal boundaries where I can, I run into debt, and other than that, I do the best I can to keep the thoughts picturing myself with a gun in my mouth away, which is a war of attrition that I feel I'm slowly losing.

What I'd give right now for weed or Everclear, I just want to numb so badly as feeling just hurts me all the time.
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Exaclty, write whatever it comes to your mind, put all words in the book. Maybe for a start, draft book, and show it to the WILEY company. They will give you some feedbacks or tell you the flatly truth.

But I still think you should share this, since you seem not to mind to share it. It reminds me of some actors who struggles to make it happen, by joining many jobs that they did not want to but survives.
Wiley: Home
 
Irritated!....Woke up...let my doggie out first thing....to see this guy trying to pick the lock on my son's expensive Bike!.....He had a beer can beside him and I could smell him a mile away....:mad:...I went out...in my pajamas and my hair sticking up every which way...and yelled...."What the hell do you think you are doing?".....He got up and started to walk away...so I yelled...."You f--- with our Bike...and I'll f--- you up...get the hell out of here"...and gave him the bird....he turned around...and I gave him 2 Birds.....:roll:....

Came back in with the doggie...got coffee...turned on the TV....No Screen....Cable is on....what the heck!...Internet & phone works....

Gonna be a bad day I assume....
 
rockin'robin said:
Irritated!....Woke up...let my doggie out first thing....to see this guy trying to pick the lock on my son's expensive Bike!.....He had a beer can beside him and I could smell him a mile away....:mad:...I went out...in my pajamas and my hair sticking up every which way...and yelled...."What the hell do you think you are doing?".....He got up and started to walk away...so I yelled...."You f--- with our Bike...and I'll f--- you up...get the hell out of here"...and gave him the bird....he turned around...and I gave him 2 Birds.....:roll:....

Came back in with the doggie...got coffee...turned on the TV....No Screen....Cable is on....what the heck!...Internet & phone works....

Gonna be a bad day I assume....
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You go girl....no one messes with RR:giggle:
 
Angel1989 said:
You go girl....no one messes with RR:giggle:
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Got my coffee...sat down...10 deep breaths....seems the Cat got ahold of the Cable remote....TV's working fine...cancelled Comcast Tech to come over....We brought the Bike inside...friend's TV is out too, but they have Satellite....and they have 2 Cats...:giggle:
 
Feeling bad. Blood pressure is still messed up, and I just got a very upsetting message from a family member. :(
 
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