The*Empress
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Somebody shared a story about her ex male lovers abused her...
And she felt safer with a female love companion.
Abuse happened to any kind of relationships.
Tuesday February 15, 2005 at 11:54 PM
Abuse a reality for gay couples
By Hillary Chabot and J.J. Huggins
Sean Fitzgerald, 38, said domestic abuse happens in gay relationships just as much as it is does in heterosexual relationships.
But many gay men don't feel comfortable reporting abuse.
Fitzgerald was a close friend of Ryan Curtis, who was shot and killed by Leominster attorney Stephen CampoBasso on Feb. 7.
CampoBasso, a lawyer from a prominent Leominster family, killed himself hours later, according to Worcester County District Attorney John Conte.
CampoBasso and Curtis were engaged to be married, according to friends. :|
"It's just like the heterosexual world, but no one wants to talk about it," Fitzgerald said.
"Until everything comes out in the open and people feel free to express themselves, I don't think they'll want to talk about it," Fitzgerald said.
He said societal expectations about men and women also affect how officials, friends and family deal with same-sex abuse.
"We teach our children it's OK to beat up on each other as long as they're the same sex," Fitzgerald said. "As a man you're taught to never hit a girl, but if a man confronts you, you kill him, man."
Curt Rogers, founder and director of Gay Men Domestic Violence in Boston, said many gay men don't report abuse to police because they are worried about possible homophobia.
"It can be harder to go to the police for help, because of real or perceived homophobia. Our whole society is set up to view domestic violence as between a man and a woman," Rogers said. "Less than 2 percent of gay men view the police or district attorney's office as a resource to help if they are being abused."
Curtis had been dating CampoBasso for almost a year before the murder-suicide, and they had gotten engaged in October. The couple had just come back from a two-week vacation in January.
Fitzgerald said he met CampoBasso several times and stayed in touch with Curtis when he moved in with CampoBasso. He said he wasn't aware of any abuse between Curtis, 29, and CampoBasso, 53.
"Ryan wasn't the type of person to accept negativity or defeat in anything, though," Fitzgerald said. "Even if things weren't going well, he'd say everything was wonderful."
Hidden abuse
Rogers said many gay men hide abuse in a relationship because they are ashamed.
"Oftentimes abuse in the relationship is hidden," Rogers said. "The big thing that happens in domestic violence is people get isolated, and it can be reinforced by the shame of what's going on."
Rogers said when an extremely violent incident occurs, like a murder-suicide, it is usually an indication that abuse existed in the relationship.
"My guess is any time you have a situation like that there probably was domestic violence involved, but there really is no way to tell," Rogers said.
Gay men sometimes don't recognize they are being abused and therefore don't look for help, Rogers said.
"I'm a survivor. I went through a long, abusive relationship, but I never realized it because I always thought of domestic abuse as wife-beating," Rogers said. "Until an advisor told me I was a victim in an abusive relationship, I didn't think of myself that way. That lack of self-identification is a problem when it comes to stopping abuse."
Rogers said statistics on gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender domestic abuse have shown that there is abuse in roughly 25 to 30 percent of gay relationships.
The same percentage of domestic abuse occurs in heterosexual relationships, Rogers said.
"It's really pretty much the same," Rogers said. "The similarities between heterosexual abusive couples and homosexual abusive relationships outweigh the differences."
Rogers said he believes people are abusive due to power and control issues, and not because of their gender.
"My own perspective is abusers have a whole range of options they'll use to manipulate the other person. They'll use whatever they can to gain power," Rogers said.
Fitchburg Police Chief Edward F. Cronin said he thinks violent incidents between homosexual couples and heterosexual couples are equally brutal.
"I think it's just as nasty. They can be just as violent as heterosexuals," Cronin said. "I think the dynamics are identical. It's about power and control."
Gay men, if they can't be physically overpowered, could also be verbally or emotionally abused, Rogers said.
"They will leverage anything they have around them to manipulate the other person," Rogers said.
Fitzgerald said he learned to fight verbally when he was younger to protect himself.
"The only strength you have is your tongue. We learned very quickly how to verbally hurt somebody. I can make them feel not worthy in seconds, because that's how I could protect myself," Fitzgerald said.
Reported abuse on the rise
Joan Mullahy, domestic violence advocate at the Leominster Police department, said she has seen the amount of gay or lesbian domestic abuse reported go up.
"I've worked here for four years, and I could count on two hands the number of gay or lesbian domestics I've been made aware of," Mullahy said. "But in the last month I've had two or three reported."
Mullahy said she handles gay domestic abuse the same as any other domestic abuse, but said there are less resources for gay victims who want to leave their partner.
"There really aren't any resources out this way. All of the referrals I make are to places in Boston or Cambridge," Mullahy said.
Mullahy attended an all-day conference to learn how to deal with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender abuse situations.
"I'm the only one here, so the more I learn the more I can pass on," Mullahy said. "We're trying to get it out in the open so people will be more comfortable dealing with it."
Fitchburg Police Sgt. Glenn C. Fossa said Fitchburg police treat domestic violence on a "case-by-case" basis.
"We look to get the person the right resource to match their need, whether it's a shelter to get them away from the abusing mate ... or medical attention," Fossa said.
Cronin said the Commonwealth has "very strong, healthy laws to protect people" from domestic abuse.
"Massachusetts has very strong laws against domestic violence," Cronin said.
But it is up to the victim to come forward, Cronin said.
"It's up to the individual to know when they are in danger," Cronin said.
There are at least four cities in Massachusetts where the police department assigns specific officers to deal with issues regarding gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender citizens.
The cities include Boston, Cambridge, Springfield and Northampton.
Northampton is the closest in size out of the four cities to Fitchburg and Leominster, with about 28,978 residents, based on the federal government's last census in 2000.
Northampton Police Sgt. Ken Watson, a police officer of 23 years, said he came out of the closet and told his coworkers he was gay a few years ago. His chief later appointed him to the position he holds now, which is the community liaison for gay, lesbian and bisexual citizens.
Linking to the community
Watson said he serves as a "link" between the police and the gay and lesbian community in Northampton.
He said he has experience with domestic violence based on working as a patrol officer and responding to domestic fights.
"They are a little more difficult to identify," he said about violence in same-sex couples. "A lot of times there is mutual fighting because of somebody defending themselves. It makes it a little more difficult for us."
In a heterosexual relationship, "by and large the abuser is a male," he said.
Homosexuals are less likely to admit they are being abused by a partner if they are not open about their sexuality, according to Watson.
"It has to do with their own fear. If they're not 'out,' then to reach out for any kind of restraining order is not going to work," he said.
Cronin agreed it is more difficult for a person who is in the closet about their sexuality to tell people that they're being abused.
"When a person wants to come forward, they have to 'out' themselves. It intrudes on their privacy," Cronin said. "That can play into a situation where an aggressor can be even more in control."
Cronin said he thinks now that gay marriage is legal in Massachusetts, homosexual victims of domestic violence will be more likely to report abuse.
"Because of the law, gay people are allowed to be married. As the legal status grows, more people will have access to the services," he said.
Asking for help
Rogers said men can try and avoid tragic incidents like the recent murder-suicide by sharing with friends and family what is going on.
"If you start to talk to put out that lifeline, you can get a reality check. If people hear you were abused for the third time, where you might rationalize it, they might question you about it," Rogers said.
Rogers said anyone being abused should begin thinking about a safety plan.
"If you know someone is violent, and you began to have an argument in the kitchen, that's a bad place to be," Rogers said. "If you're even starting to think about leaving, pack a bag with your essential papers and keep it somewhere they won't find it."
Rogers encouraged anyone who thinks they might need help to call an advisor at Gay Men Domestic Violence toll free at (800) 832-1901.
© 1999-2005 MediaNews Group, Inc. and Mid-States Newspapers, Inc.
And she felt safer with a female love companion.
Abuse happened to any kind of relationships.
Tuesday February 15, 2005 at 11:54 PM
Abuse a reality for gay couples
By Hillary Chabot and J.J. Huggins
Sean Fitzgerald, 38, said domestic abuse happens in gay relationships just as much as it is does in heterosexual relationships.
But many gay men don't feel comfortable reporting abuse.
Fitzgerald was a close friend of Ryan Curtis, who was shot and killed by Leominster attorney Stephen CampoBasso on Feb. 7.
CampoBasso, a lawyer from a prominent Leominster family, killed himself hours later, according to Worcester County District Attorney John Conte. CampoBasso and Curtis were engaged to be married, according to friends. :|
"It's just like the heterosexual world, but no one wants to talk about it," Fitzgerald said.
"Until everything comes out in the open and people feel free to express themselves, I don't think they'll want to talk about it," Fitzgerald said.
He said societal expectations about men and women also affect how officials, friends and family deal with same-sex abuse.
"We teach our children it's OK to beat up on each other as long as they're the same sex," Fitzgerald said. "As a man you're taught to never hit a girl, but if a man confronts you, you kill him, man."
Curt Rogers, founder and director of Gay Men Domestic Violence in Boston, said many gay men don't report abuse to police because they are worried about possible homophobia.
"It can be harder to go to the police for help, because of real or perceived homophobia. Our whole society is set up to view domestic violence as between a man and a woman," Rogers said. "Less than 2 percent of gay men view the police or district attorney's office as a resource to help if they are being abused."
Curtis had been dating CampoBasso for almost a year before the murder-suicide, and they had gotten engaged in October. The couple had just come back from a two-week vacation in January.
Fitzgerald said he met CampoBasso several times and stayed in touch with Curtis when he moved in with CampoBasso. He said he wasn't aware of any abuse between Curtis, 29, and CampoBasso, 53.
"Ryan wasn't the type of person to accept negativity or defeat in anything, though," Fitzgerald said. "Even if things weren't going well, he'd say everything was wonderful."
Hidden abuse
Rogers said many gay men hide abuse in a relationship because they are ashamed.
"Oftentimes abuse in the relationship is hidden," Rogers said. "The big thing that happens in domestic violence is people get isolated, and it can be reinforced by the shame of what's going on."
Rogers said when an extremely violent incident occurs, like a murder-suicide, it is usually an indication that abuse existed in the relationship.
"My guess is any time you have a situation like that there probably was domestic violence involved, but there really is no way to tell," Rogers said.
Gay men sometimes don't recognize they are being abused and therefore don't look for help, Rogers said.
"I'm a survivor. I went through a long, abusive relationship, but I never realized it because I always thought of domestic abuse as wife-beating," Rogers said. "Until an advisor told me I was a victim in an abusive relationship, I didn't think of myself that way. That lack of self-identification is a problem when it comes to stopping abuse."
Rogers said statistics on gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender domestic abuse have shown that there is abuse in roughly 25 to 30 percent of gay relationships.
The same percentage of domestic abuse occurs in heterosexual relationships, Rogers said.
"It's really pretty much the same," Rogers said. "The similarities between heterosexual abusive couples and homosexual abusive relationships outweigh the differences."
Rogers said he believes people are abusive due to power and control issues, and not because of their gender.
"My own perspective is abusers have a whole range of options they'll use to manipulate the other person. They'll use whatever they can to gain power," Rogers said.
Fitchburg Police Chief Edward F. Cronin said he thinks violent incidents between homosexual couples and heterosexual couples are equally brutal.
"I think it's just as nasty. They can be just as violent as heterosexuals," Cronin said. "I think the dynamics are identical. It's about power and control."
Gay men, if they can't be physically overpowered, could also be verbally or emotionally abused, Rogers said.
"They will leverage anything they have around them to manipulate the other person," Rogers said.
Fitzgerald said he learned to fight verbally when he was younger to protect himself.
"The only strength you have is your tongue. We learned very quickly how to verbally hurt somebody. I can make them feel not worthy in seconds, because that's how I could protect myself," Fitzgerald said.
Reported abuse on the rise
Joan Mullahy, domestic violence advocate at the Leominster Police department, said she has seen the amount of gay or lesbian domestic abuse reported go up.
"I've worked here for four years, and I could count on two hands the number of gay or lesbian domestics I've been made aware of," Mullahy said. "But in the last month I've had two or three reported."
Mullahy said she handles gay domestic abuse the same as any other domestic abuse, but said there are less resources for gay victims who want to leave their partner.
"There really aren't any resources out this way. All of the referrals I make are to places in Boston or Cambridge," Mullahy said.
Mullahy attended an all-day conference to learn how to deal with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender abuse situations.
"I'm the only one here, so the more I learn the more I can pass on," Mullahy said. "We're trying to get it out in the open so people will be more comfortable dealing with it."
Fitchburg Police Sgt. Glenn C. Fossa said Fitchburg police treat domestic violence on a "case-by-case" basis.
"We look to get the person the right resource to match their need, whether it's a shelter to get them away from the abusing mate ... or medical attention," Fossa said.
Cronin said the Commonwealth has "very strong, healthy laws to protect people" from domestic abuse.
"Massachusetts has very strong laws against domestic violence," Cronin said.
But it is up to the victim to come forward, Cronin said.
"It's up to the individual to know when they are in danger," Cronin said.
There are at least four cities in Massachusetts where the police department assigns specific officers to deal with issues regarding gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender citizens.
The cities include Boston, Cambridge, Springfield and Northampton.
Northampton is the closest in size out of the four cities to Fitchburg and Leominster, with about 28,978 residents, based on the federal government's last census in 2000.
Northampton Police Sgt. Ken Watson, a police officer of 23 years, said he came out of the closet and told his coworkers he was gay a few years ago. His chief later appointed him to the position he holds now, which is the community liaison for gay, lesbian and bisexual citizens.
Linking to the community
Watson said he serves as a "link" between the police and the gay and lesbian community in Northampton.
He said he has experience with domestic violence based on working as a patrol officer and responding to domestic fights.
"They are a little more difficult to identify," he said about violence in same-sex couples. "A lot of times there is mutual fighting because of somebody defending themselves. It makes it a little more difficult for us."
In a heterosexual relationship, "by and large the abuser is a male," he said.
Homosexuals are less likely to admit they are being abused by a partner if they are not open about their sexuality, according to Watson.
"It has to do with their own fear. If they're not 'out,' then to reach out for any kind of restraining order is not going to work," he said.
Cronin agreed it is more difficult for a person who is in the closet about their sexuality to tell people that they're being abused.
"When a person wants to come forward, they have to 'out' themselves. It intrudes on their privacy," Cronin said. "That can play into a situation where an aggressor can be even more in control."
Cronin said he thinks now that gay marriage is legal in Massachusetts, homosexual victims of domestic violence will be more likely to report abuse.
"Because of the law, gay people are allowed to be married. As the legal status grows, more people will have access to the services," he said.
Asking for help
Rogers said men can try and avoid tragic incidents like the recent murder-suicide by sharing with friends and family what is going on.
"If you start to talk to put out that lifeline, you can get a reality check. If people hear you were abused for the third time, where you might rationalize it, they might question you about it," Rogers said.
Rogers said anyone being abused should begin thinking about a safety plan.
"If you know someone is violent, and you began to have an argument in the kitchen, that's a bad place to be," Rogers said. "If you're even starting to think about leaving, pack a bag with your essential papers and keep it somewhere they won't find it."
Rogers encouraged anyone who thinks they might need help to call an advisor at Gay Men Domestic Violence toll free at (800) 832-1901.
© 1999-2005 MediaNews Group, Inc. and Mid-States Newspapers, Inc.
it sometimes get me mad that assholes tend to have the 'longer' lives while 'good' people tend to have the shorter lives. I know that is not always a case but seem to me, it does.
*sniffing*