Would You Tell?

Reba said:
Since R is so devious, I wouldn't even be sure that the story she told you was true, so it's best not to repeat it.
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then how come she sobbed her head off? I've never seen her like that in 12 years... and I skill in kinesociology (behaviors). she is one tough woman. she also asked me to watch her kids while she's off to a doctor appointment the following week. she usually takes them with her.

naisho, exactly. my material parents aren't really my family either.

sticky situation, it is.
 
freckles said:
then how come she sobbed her head off? I've never seen her like that in 12 years... and I skill in kinesociology (behaviors). she is one tough woman. she also asked me to watch her kids while she's off to a doctor appointment the following week. she usually takes them with her.

naisho, exactly. my material parents aren't really my family either.

sticky situation, it is.
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She could be sobbing for some other upsetting situation. You yourself said that she lies and cheats. If she can lie to her husband, she can lie to you.
 
Did any of you think about WHAT "M" WOULD WANT? Huh? If I were M, I would want to know that my wife is such a devious and conniving person that she would have an affair (probably not the first) and get an abortion to cover it up. It would be a terrible pill to swallow, yes, but at least I'd be able to pick up the pieces at some point and get on with my life, instead of living a phony life with a psychopath.

Fact of the matter is, this is a very lousy situation, and there is no easy way out, but the moral choice, given the psychological profile of R, is to let M know about the situation he is in so he can protect himself and his children from further betrayal.
 
To be honest, none of us knows how much M knows or suspects. He might know more than we think but he's keeping it to himself.
 
Reba said:
To be honest, none of us knows how much M knows or suspects. He might know more than we think but he's keeping it to himself.
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yes. marriage is right there where you can see the crystal situation is going on.
 
Reba said:
To be honest, none of us knows how much M knows or suspects. He might know more than we think but he's keeping it to himself.
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That's true. This is all really just speculation anyway. You also brought up a good point that R's story might not even be true. But I still think the morally right choice is, assuming he doesn't know and this is all true, to let him know.
 
Reba said:
To be honest, none of us knows how much M knows or suspects. He might know more than we think but he's keeping it to himself.
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yep. exactly why it's best to let the nature take its course. this kind of sticky situation... it's full of misunderstanding and miscommunication and lives do get destroyed by that.
 
Well, I'll look at it this way. If M was honestly my father, of course I'd tell him something is up with his marriage to "step-wife" aka friend I know but not BFF. I personally can see that I would not say the whole details straight out because I don't know the truth behind the whole thing and there are three sides to consider (M's side, R's side, and the truth's side).

I'd do the least to let my dad know I feel uneasy about his marriage should the conditions present themselves. Just something simple being said like "I don't think step-mom is acting the way she is" or "She seems stranger than usual" something like that to drop a hint so I can get it off my chest for the sake of the greater good at the least.
 
Reba said:
She could be sobbing for some other upsetting situation. You yourself said that she lies and cheats. If she can lie to her husband, she can lie to you.
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bad situation as this? hm, can't think of any other worse than this. please re-read my post #41.

I would have by now known if one of her BEST friends or M & R's family member died. again, the way she told me this, I could tell she DID had an abortion.

hmm, "if she can, then she can," .. to tell her hubby this someday because she told me.. hey, that's a hope! you really shouldn't call that a lie yet.. what if R finally tells? some people need some time. or, do you disagree with that?

if that is the case, M knowing or suspects something, then I'd rather tell him! otherwise, reba probably consider even me as a liar for not telling too.. :Ohno:

*pulling my hair out* ..
 
Trust your instincts. Don't listen to us. We don't have enough information on you and your life nor the lives of the people involved here to really make a good choice. It's up to you.
 
yeah... at least there were few points that got me thinking. thank you.
 
TheWriteAlex said:
Did any of you think about WHAT "M" WOULD WANT? Huh? If I were M, I would want to know that my wife is such a devious and conniving person that she would have an affair (probably not the first) and get an abortion to cover it up. It would be a terrible pill to swallow, yes, but at least I'd be able to pick up the pieces at some point and get on with my life, instead of living a phony life with a psychopath.

Fact of the matter is, this is a very lousy situation, and there is no easy way out, but the moral choice, given the psychological profile of R, is to let M know about the situation he is in so he can protect himself and his children from further betrayal.
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I agree with you, but the problem is, the wife confided and trusted her with her secrets. Which really complicate things.

I don't think the wife want her marriage to be destroy. And if I was in this situation, I don't want to be the marriage breaker either. I let them work out their own problems. I think the husband probably suspect if she was more distant from him because of the affair.
 
A said:
I agree with you, but the problem is, the wife confided and trusted her with her secrets. Which really complicate things.

I don't think the wife want her marriage to be destroy. And if I was in this situation, I don't want to be the marriage breaker either. I let them work out their own problems. I think the husband probably suspect if she was more distant from him because of the affair.
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I think she should have thought of that BEFORE she decided to get impregnated by another man and then abort the child. (And I doubt she bothered to tell that man that she was aborting his child.) In my opinion, the marriage is already destroyed.

Most people's opinions of this matter so far have been based on the idea of "not wanting to be the person who breaks up the marriage," but this is flawed logic. Remember, it is R who went and cheated on her husband and family. She is the one who created a moral predicament here and then brought Freckles into it. Regardless of if Freckle's tells M or not,the moral responsibility for ruining the marriage is solely on R's shoulders, not Freckle's. I guess some of you are the type who would rather be ignorant and live in denial of something. I am not. Maybe Freckle's should decide if M is the type of person who would rather live in ignorance and base her decision on that. But bringing in this "keep it to yourself" or "don't break up the marriage" talk is beside the point.
 
I would be worried in case M really lost it and killed R.

I wouldn't want to be the one who set that in motion.
 
freckles said:
...if that is the case, M knowing or suspects something, then I'd rather tell him! otherwise, reba probably consider even me as a liar for not telling too.. :Ohno:...
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I never said that, and I never even thought that, never.

If you believe that R lies to everyone else except you, then that's up to you.

If you truly believe that telling M is the best thing for him, you are welcome to go for it. Just don't be surprised if that's the end of his friendship with you.

I hope everything works out for all concerned.
 
yeah, there definitely be a lot of anger and hurt. Who knows how he would react. Only the wife would know.
 
Umm..I dont know if any other ADers have experienced what M and R are experiencing but I have sort of experienced a similiar thing with my ex hubby and then again with some of my good friends.

When my ex hubby was cheating on me with one of my brother's Gallaudet friend's girlfriend at the time I was a Gallaudet student, almost everyone in my circle of friends at Gallaudet knew about the affair except for me. They all tried to tell me what was going on but I refused to accept what they were saying because I was in denial and wasnt ready to face it. Instead, I got angry with my friends for trying to ruin my marriage and pushed them away. When I finally knew the truth, I felt ashamed but I wished they didnt get involved because it was too overwhelming to have so many people involved with my marriage problems. It drove me crazy. I needed to be ready to face it and be ready to address it. I couldnt handle my friends telling me about it and pushing me to address it. I did appreciate their help but emotionally and mentally, I wasnt ready.

Then, one of my friends cheated on her es-boyfriend (who was a friend of ours) with another friend of ours and told many of us to keep our mouths shut. I was so conflicted just like you were but didnt say anything. However, my brother did tell her ex-boyfriend about the affair but he beat up my brother cuz he thought my brother was trying to steal his ex-girlfriend. Then it became a HUGE soap opera drama within us and a lot of friendships were ruined. Yes, they broke up and the guy that she slept with is totally out of the picture so many of us wondered if it was worth telling her ex-boyfriend about his GF's affair with our friend.

Since then, I have always stayed out of other people's relationships. Right now, my friend who is also my co-worker just found out that her husband had been having an affair with another coworker /friend and all I can do is be there for my friend for emotional support but I wont go around judging my friend's hubby and his lover because I dont have both sides to the story.

That's why I always stayed out of these kinds of things. The less people are involved the less complicated the affair/situation becomes.

Affairs are just not worth it and people who have them should break up their current marriages or relationships before having a romantic relationship with another person.
 
shel90 said:
Umm..I dont know if any other ADers have experienced what M and R are experiencing but I have sort of experienced a similiar thing with my ex hubby and then again with some of my good friends.

When my ex hubby was cheating on me with one of my brother's Gallaudet friend's girlfriend at the time I was a Gallaudet student, almost everyone in my circle of friends at Gallaudet knew about the affair except for me. They all tried to tell me what was going on but I refused to accept what they were saying because I was in denial and wasnt ready to face it. Instead, I got angry with my friends for trying to ruin my marriage and pushed them away. When I finally knew the truth, I felt ashamed but I wished they didnt get involved because it was too overwhelming to have so many people involved with my marriage problems. It drove me crazy. I needed to be ready to face it and be ready to address it. I couldnt handle my friends telling me about it and pushing me to address it. I did appreciate their help but emotionally and mentally, I wasnt ready.

Then, one of my friends cheated on her es-boyfriend (who was a friend of ours) with another friend of ours and told many of us to keep our mouths shut. I was so conflicted just like you were but didnt say anything. However, my brother did tell her ex-boyfriend about the affair but he beat up my brother cuz he thought my brother was trying to steal his ex-girlfriend. Then it became a HUGE soap opera drama within us and a lot of friendships were ruined. Yes, they broke up and the guy that she slept with is totally out of the picture so many of us wondered if it was worth telling her ex-boyfriend about his GF's affair with our friend.

Since then, I have always stayed out of other people's relationships. Right now, my friend who is also my co-worker just found out that her husband had been having an affair with another coworker /friend and all I can do is be there for my friend for emotional support but I wont go around judging my friend's hubby and his lover because I dont have both sides to the story.

That's why I always stayed out of these kinds of things. The less people are involved the less complicated the affair/situation becomes.

Affairs are just not worth it and people who have them should break up their current marriages or relationships before having a romantic relationship with another person.
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I put a bold statement that you made. The problem with affairs is the husband or the wife jumps into the relationship because he/she are not happy or going into mid-crisis (getting old) with his/her current marriage and trying to find a way to solve the relationship with their own spouse. Most often you will find that husband or wife don't even think about telling their spouse that he/she want to end the marriage or get a divorced. Very few of them do go through the divorce, but almost all of them do want to stay in the marriage, during the affairs or after the affairs, for I don't know why. That is what puzzle me why they want to go into affairs, if there is a problem with the marriage or what? :roll:
 
Bebonang said:
I put a bold statement that you made. The problem with affairs is the husband or the wife jumps into the relationship because he/she are not happy or going into mid-crisis (getting old) with his/her current marriage and trying to find a way to solve the relationship with their own spouse. Most often you will find that husband or wife don't even think about telling their spouse that he/she want to end the marriage or get a divorced. Very few of them do go through the divorce, but almost all of them do want to stay in the marriage, during the affairs or after the affairs, for I don't know why. That is what puzzle me why they want to go into affairs, if there is a problem with the marriage or what? :roll:
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When my friend found out about her husband's affair AFTER he begged her to work the marriage out, she asked him "Why come back to me?" He said he wanted to experiment. To me that tells me that he wasnt as secure with the affair and wanted to see how it went and if it was worth leaving his wife for.
 
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