What have you learned?

demoiselle

demoiselle

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The "erasing memories" post reminded me how much I learned from my failed relationship -- particularly "warning signs" to watch for in the future.

What are some warning signs you've learned and found useful?
 
demoiselle said:
The "erasing memories" post reminded me how much I learned from my failed relationship -- particularly "warning signs" to watch for in the future.

What are some warning signs you've learned and found useful?
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Never, never ignore red flags. Looking back at most of my relationships, I realized that I had ignored red flags, hoping that somehow by a miracle that things will change or he will change, etc.

Now, I only see what I see and go with it period. No more rose colored glasses. And listen carefully to my own instincts because they are always right eventually.
 
I learned:

o If someone doesn't seem to be putting a lot of effort into learning about you and your interests (particularly if they want you to do so for him/her) then there is a good chance he/she is self-involved! Along with that -- if he or she expects/needs a lot of support to achieve, but don't provide the same to help you achieve, RUN!

o If someone tells you they have a lot of baggage/problems/aren't good enough for you, perhaps they are telling you the truth!

o If someone continually expresses unreasonable anger or envy, don't brush it off thinking they are exaggerating. Just because you aren't particularly envious or angry by nature doesn't mean the person you are dating isn't!

o If they refuse to take action to achieve what they want for themselves . . . say, they just "need a little push" -- watch out, because they might be waiting for that "push" so they can blame the "pusher" whenever things get sticky in the future.

I wish I had paid more attention to my reservations at 1 month so that I didn't have to resolve it all at 12!
 
1) Whenever woman tells you to trust her or offer her promise, cast a doubt on her words no matter how long you guys spend together (but until you and her know each other very well for several years, it is up to you to not cast a doubt on her words anymore)

2) If she is talking about her ex-boyfriends or bring up about them during arguing with you. That is a warning sign of relationship problem in the future.

3) If her commitmentphobia behavior starts to show, that is a warning sign of relationship problem in the future.


I have several more but my mind is blank at this moment. I will add whenever I remember.
 
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I learned: Guys who partied too much, getting drunk and using drugs are not worth my time.

I learned: Guys who have a temper, Jealously rage, becomes abusive and take away your right to live your life.

I learned: A partnership is not a 50-50 proposition. It is a 100%-100% proposition.

I learned: If Guys are not responsible for my happiness? They are gone, Happiness is something we bring to a relationship.

I learned: The most important thing is getting to the bottom of why argue when we can work it out calmy, not figuring out who's right and who's wrong..

I learned: Not to be with guys who are controlling, won't let you have friends when you are allow to have friends to social with sometimes.:)

Will think of more later, when it pops in my head. (giggle)
 
One more thing:

If a guy ever threatens to walk out on me during an arguement -- picking up the phone to dial a friend to stay over night etc -- then that is manipulation. That's the early sign of using embarassment or threats of abandonment on you. Very bad!

In a relationship, even if you are having a silly fight, both partners should be dedicated to sticking it out and working through the problem.
 
Also, I've learnt that if a guy walks out or avoids you during a trying time, it means he is not as committed as you'd like him to be. He is only around for fun times but flees if times get hard.
 
Shhh.. Just giving a different perspective:

If you say these things in public... People read and learn from this, and hide their tendencies.

Of course, people won't be picking eachother up off the site, no worries ;D
 
I'm not sure most people can hide their tendencies that well -- I mean they can for a time, but as it wears on then it gets harder and harder to disguise this kind of thing!
 
Meg said:
Never, never ignore red flags. Looking back at most of my relationships, I realized that I had ignored red flags, hoping that somehow by a miracle that things will change or he will change, etc.

Now, I only see what I see and go with it period. No more rose colored glasses. And listen carefully to my own instincts because they are always right eventually.
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very true meggie! (sigh)
 
Meg said:
Also, I've learnt that if a guy walks out or avoids you during a trying time, it means he is not as committed as you'd like him to be. He is only around for fun times but flees if times get hard.
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i know.. it happens a lot these days .... they dont know how to be a man, speak up and stand up for themselves.. :thumbd: are they chicken or something?? .. (sigh)
 
When a guy hit you once and then apologize, don't fall for it, he will more likey do it again and AGAIN! no matter if he end up crying about it later or made a promise....
 
2) If she is talking about her ex-boyfriends or bring up about them during arguing with you. That is a warning sign of relationship problem in the future.
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I object. Sometime one do need to bring the past on the plate and explain one's state of emotions which may based on past experiences or whatnot that possibly led up to a silly argument all because of one's so-called bad past with exes which influenced one's present relationship and wanted to clear up with the current loved one that it wasn't them but the past banging down on one's heart while in an argument. I know somebody is going to say "well you shouldn't have carried that baggage into a new relationship"-- oh shush. Everybody learns along the way, even in relationships. Some eventually dropped the baggages of past to be able to fufill the spectrum of a current relationship. I know I did.

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My list of red flags:::: It may overlap some of yours::::
--If one threatens to leave you, LET HIM. He is just pulling your leg. Totally bullshit... they just want to see you begging on your knees. They never leave anyway even when you WISH they would leave you. But on contrary, I have LEFT when I have said I will leave them.... they ended up running after me even though they said "GO AHEAD". Never doubt a tough gal's words.
--"You would do it for me if you love me"... yeah right jackass.
--"Everybody is doing it but us..." And...? If everybody jumps off the bridge, would you? I hope you would while I am standing alive abstaining you.
--If you ever get physical- it is a DONE deal. A shove, push, claw, et cetera.... in any degree-- the relationship is over. Nobody would push someone they love deeply.
 
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gnarlydorkette said:
I object. Sometime one do need to bring the past on the plate and explain one's state of emotions which may based on past experiences or whatnot that possibly led up to a silly argument all because of one's so-called bad past with exes which influenced one's present relationship and wanted to clear up with the current loved one that it wasn't them but the past banging down on one's heart while in an argument. I know somebody is going to say "well you shouldn't have carried that baggage into a new relationship"-- oh shush. Everybody learns along the way, even in relationships.
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I am speaking of comparison. It is totally unnecessary for any gals to bring up about comparison how her exs treat and how I treat her. If you don't mind for guys to compare you against their ex during arguement then great but it is not for me. I don't mind if my ex were talking during other times beside arguements. People often regretted what they said during arguing so why add some more? I did that at one time when I decided to test on her, I mean brought up about my exes during in heated arguement with her and she got real angry and walked out during in middle of our arguement. Am I supposed to take it when she refused? No.

gnarlydorkette said:
Some eventually dropped the baggages of past to be able to fufill the spectrum of a current relationship. I know I did.
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Well, glad to hear that. Unfortunately that she did not. She kept bringing it up. Anyway I found out why in few weeks right after the breakup thru her sister that my ex have some serious issues. Since I know it is not about me at all, I did everything as what 'good guy' suppose to do. In the end, I made a right decision.
 
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all i gotta say is baggage is NOT cool! its ok to say something neutral abt the ex but CONSTANTLY talk abt the ex qq oh pluezze -- ive learned that if a partner constantly talks abt the ex she still have a hang up on the ex and has not gotten over the ex (this based on my observations and experiences)
 
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