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- Jan 10, 2009
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Chilli, Texas Style
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge
is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this is.
They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo
comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all of the beer!
Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder
how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge
is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this is.
They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo
comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all of the beer!
Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder
how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
That's funny! 
