How Good Relationship Between Deaf Person and Hearing Person?

I'm deaf and while I can't say I've been in a deaf/deaf relationship, I can say from my past relationships deaf/hearing has been a struggle in most of them. The last ex of mine was hearing and was very degrading towards me throughout our relationship.

Now I'm with another hearing person but she has learned some ASL and continuously wants to learn more on deaf culture. When we are trying to get what the other is saying, we switch to ASL and sometimes we only talk just in sign and I can't even tell you how happy that makes me and how thankful I am to have her in my life.

So, in my eyes hearing or deaf, its all about open communication, understanding, trust, and support.
 
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supportDeafEd said:
There are issues in deaf-hearing relationships/friendships that both parties need to address:

1. Communication - Without this you have nothing. Pick a form of communication that will allow clear exchange of thoughts between the two of you. Most of the time this will involve the hearing partner learning sign language. If that person is unwilling to learn to sign, the odds of success decrease rapidly. And even if that person does learn, you must actually use it! If you are bored or upset, let the other know. Lack of communication is just as destructive as miscommunication.

2. Culture - Deaf-hearing relationships are intercultural.
The hearing partner must be educated by the deaf partner on Deaf culture, the customs, the values, the history. The hearing partner should be willing to be immersed in Deaf culture, maybe at a Deaf Club meeting or something similar. They need to experience the language and culture in full force. And if that hearing person can't keep up with the conversations, then they will understand how their partner feels when out with multiple hearing people. In addition, the hearing partner will have to teach their friends and family about Deaf culture, so that their deaf partner feels welcome and important in those settings. I
The deaf partner must also be willing to learn about hearing culture. The hearing have developed many habits that assume speech and hearing ability. Both partners will have to be patient with each other as they develop their own "mixed" culture.

3. Consistency - The HoH, the oral deaf, and those who lip read have more complex issues. Those people who fit into any of those three categories AND use sign language tend make things harder by being inconsistent with their form of communication. Lip reading isn't an exact science. Your speech could be misinterpreted by your hearing partner. Or you may not have heard what you thought you heard (or anything at all). Stick to what works best and leads to the least amount of miscommunication (assuming both parties are fluent). Consider what you might encounter if you have children (hearing or deaf). Also consider that you will eventually grow tired of lip reading, or that your hearing loss may worsen. You know deaf cannot become hearing, but hearing can live Deaf.

Ultimately, both parties must be willing sacrifice and be patient. Some deaf people's overbearing Deaf pride will not allow them to have a happy relationship with a hearing person. Others may simply be so doubtful of deaf-hearing relationships that they don't put their all into it. Similarly, the hearing must be willing to do a lot of work on learning a new language and culture. It's helpful to simply inject oneself into the local Deaf community. Hearing people have their hearing friendships tested when trying to "integrate" a deaf friend/partner into their social life. Try introducing hearing friends 1 at a time. Family is another story, the hardest trial, especially if you and your partner are so certain of your love that you want to marry.

It's not impossible, but it's no walk in the park (at first). Just remember that sometimes relationships fail because two people's personalities/values/interests just don't fit together. And that can happen deaf-deaf, deaf-hearing, hearing-hearing, alien-human.

Grayvi:wave:
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:goodpost:
 
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supportDeafEd said:
There are issues in deaf-hearing relationships/friendships that both parties need to address:

1. Communication - Without this you have nothing. Pick a form of communication that will allow clear exchange of thoughts between the two of you. Most of the time this will involve the hearing partner learning sign language. If that person is unwilling to learn to sign, the odds of success decrease rapidly. And even if that person does learn, you must actually use it! If you are bored or upset, let the other know. Lack of communication is just as destructive as miscommunication.

2. Culture - Deaf-hearing relationships are intercultural.
The hearing partner must be educated by the deaf partner on Deaf culture, the customs, the values, the history. The hearing partner should be willing to be immersed in Deaf culture, maybe at a Deaf Club meeting or something similar. They need to experience the language and culture in full force. And if that hearing person can't keep up with the conversations, then they will understand how their partner feels when out with multiple hearing people. In addition, the hearing partner will have to teach their friends and family about Deaf culture, so that their deaf partner feels welcome and important in those settings. I
The deaf partner must also be willing to learn about hearing culture. The hearing have developed many habits that assume speech and hearing ability. Both partners will have to be patient with each other as they develop their own "mixed" culture.

3. Consistency - The HoH, the oral deaf, and those who lip read have more complex issues. Those people who fit into any of those three categories AND use sign language tend make things harder by being inconsistent with their form of communication. Lip reading isn't an exact science. Your speech could be misinterpreted by your hearing partner. Or you may not have heard what you thought you heard (or anything at all). Stick to what works best and leads to the least amount of miscommunication (assuming both parties are fluent). Consider what you might encounter if you have children (hearing or deaf). Also consider that you will eventually grow tired of lip reading, or that your hearing loss may worsen. You know deaf cannot become hearing, but hearing can live Deaf.

Ultimately, both parties must be willing sacrifice and be patient. Some deaf people's overbearing Deaf pride will not allow them to have a happy relationship with a hearing person. Others may simply be so doubtful of deaf-hearing relationships that they don't put their all into it. Similarly, the hearing must be willing to do a lot of work on learning a new language and culture. It's helpful to simply inject oneself into the local Deaf community. Hearing people have their hearing friendships tested when trying to "integrate" a deaf friend/partner into their social life. Try introducing hearing friends 1 at a time. Family is another story, the hardest trial, especially if you and your partner are so certain of your love that you want to marry.

It's not impossible, but it's no walk in the park (at first). Just remember that sometimes relationships fail because two people's personalities/values/interests just don't fit together. And that can happen deaf-deaf, deaf-hearing, hearing-hearing, alien-human.

Grayvi:wave:
Click to expand...

Very thoughtful post. I agree, it's about the mental chemistry and willingness to communicate whatever it takes.
 
The Highlander said:
Deaf? Depend what type? Like Oral, HoH, and late Deaf then they almost good relationship with hearing.

STRONG Deaf are rare to good relationship with hearing.

From my experience thru friends for over 10 years.
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I can agree with this, My soon to be ex and I are divorcing as she claims I dont listen to her... DUH ! Im deaf !
As well as most relationships I have been in all hearing females, they are rude ( just in my experiences ) and dont understand the deaf world.
 
I would say that in my experiences (which haven't always been wonderful) it takes special people to make anything work. Doesn't matter if it is 2 hearing people, 2 deaf, one hearing one deaf. Relationships are work. Relationships always have hard times....people give up too easy and often settle in order to not be alone and find themselves unhappy in the end. I think anything can work between two people who want them to work and try. People who try to communicate and work through their differences and work though their issues. Just my 2 cents.....I'll be quiet now! :0)
 
i have seen many deaf/hearing go down pan people assume learn bsl asl what ever but not always simple as that,if never heard thing in your life then thought proccess will be different and it not easy,but with time and understanding i have seen some that do well,there variables
 
wow , an old thread resurected, but a good topic anyway. I'd say it just based on the couple personalities. There are many good points made here in this thread- but I go as far as I dont mind that type of relationships, even though mine in the past with a hearing girls failed. It just made me a better person once I got over it.
 
I'm flat out not happy that I don't get to go to enough Deaf Events with my hearing girlfriend. It sucks!!
 
"you're not listening"?

sonocativo said:
I can agree with this, My soon to be ex and I are divorcing as she claims I dont listen to her... DUH ! Im deaf !
As well as most relationships I have been in all hearing females, they are rude ( just in my experiences ) and dont understand the deaf world.
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I sometimes use that phrase, not meaning anything about deaf/hearing. I know people who will pay attention while I start to explain something, and half-way through they decide they know what I was going to say. I try to explain that what I'm saying is something different, and they won't focus on what I'm saying, they'd rather think what they think instead of trying to understand.

Very frustrating if it's something important that I need them to understand, or something they need to understand.

I've had this happen when the conversation is in asl, and I know I've said "You're not listening to me!" I don't think the person thought I was talking about their deafness, just their unwillingness to stay with me while I explain. But after reading your comment, maybe I should look for a better phrase. "You don't try to understand"? Would that be better? (I actually use that one when I think of it.) Or maybe "You don't let me communicate with you" (I don't want to say "you don't pay attention" because they might, at first.)

I've tried using the sign for reception (as in YOU NOT and then the sign that means "receive information with your eyes") but it feels so Deaf-specific, and that doesn't feel quite right for what I'm trying to say. Maybe that's some sort of hearing bias, I'm not sure. But then these are people who grew up in Deaf culture, and they always use phrases with me like "I heard that blah blah blah", so I've been figuring I shouldn't worry about it.

This is not in the context of a romantic relationship, just some people I know. But you got my attention and I wanted to reply. Sorry for thread-jacking. (We can go do this somewhere else if it turns into a conversation.)

At any rate, I'm sorry to hear both about your divorce and the fact that you've had such bad experiences with hearing women.
 
amylynne said:
I sometimes use that phrase, not meaning anything about deaf/hearing. I know people who will pay attention while I start to explain something, and half-way through they decide they know what I was going to say. I try to explain that what I'm saying is something different, and they won't focus on what I'm saying, they'd rather think what they think instead of trying to understand.

Very frustrating if it's something important that I need them to understand, or something they need to understand.

I've had this happen when the conversation is in asl, and I know I've said "You're not listening to me!" I don't think the person thought I was talking about their deafness, just their unwillingness to stay with me while I explain. But after reading your comment, maybe I should look for a better phrase. "You don't try to understand"? Would that be better? (I actually use that one when I think of it.) Or maybe "You don't let me communicate with you" (I don't want to say "you don't pay attention" because they might, at first.)

I've tried using the sign for reception (as in YOU NOT and then the sign that means "receive information with your eyes") but it feels so Deaf-specific, and that doesn't feel quite right for what I'm trying to say. Maybe that's some sort of hearing bias, I'm not sure. But then these are people who grew up in Deaf culture, and they always use phrases with me like "I heard that blah blah blah", so I've been figuring I shouldn't worry about it.

This is not in the context of a romantic relationship, just some people I know. But you got my attention and I wanted to reply. Sorry for thread-jacking. (We can go do this somewhere else if it turns into a conversation.)

At any rate, I'm sorry to hear both about your divorce and the fact that you've had such bad experiences with hearing women.
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Not my issue at all here, I am a carpenter/plumber/handyman by trade with state qualifications/licenses. An example would be, My so called wife wants stairs built on the deck ( never had them ) so I draw up plans and she says she dont like them and wants them built like (her way) I told her and explained that it wont work like that as the stairs will go out into the garden, so she says to shorten them, I say in that case put a ladder there, because thats what it will end up being... so an arguement ensues, I call a carpenter of her choice and he comes out and tells her I am correct, so she gets mad and says forget it and weeks later she starts the same crap all over again. So, I tell her Im not doing it, dont ask me and call a carpenter which will cost her more than materials to do and let them deal with it, Im tired and Im done with it.
I have bought an $18,000 house and sold it for $135,000 when I finnished it, bought another at $189,000 and sold it at $350,000 so I know what Im doing.
Whoever had this house before my so called wife bought it had made a mess of it, and I have done alot to fix this house in the 4 years we have been together but all she does is complain... its her house things have to be her way or the highway... well Im taking the highway.
 
wow. sorry to hear it. Thanks for explaining though.

Hey, going back to your original comment, I'd really like to hear details about how hearing women don't understand the deaf world. If you feel up to it. Thanks again.
 
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amylynne said:
wow. sorry to hear it. Thanks for explaining though.

Hey, going back to your original comment, I'd really like to hear details about how hearing women don't understand the deaf world. If you feel up to it. Thanks again.
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Well, its hard for me to explain from her point, I am hearing but will be completely deaf in the next few years so I can somewhat explain it from experience.
Since birth I have been HOH, so alot of sounds sound the same to me, alot of words sound the same so I misunderstand alot, so I repeat sentences/questions since sometimes what is said/heard is out of line to the subject we were on... eg:
Take the trash out might sound like...
Take the cat out?
So there are misunderstandings, whish I could think of a better one for a better explaination, but she thinks I ignore her when I dont, she just needs to get my attention before talking to me. She likes to start talking and Im in the middle of typing something and so on so no I dont hear her or hear everything she said because Im busy with a train of thought elsewhere.
So, I let the cat out and now she is yelling at me because the trash is still in the garage.
Now you have 2 stepkids (teens now) that are disrespectful, constant yelling/arguing that stings with HA on and after you ask them to quiet down or quit they yell at me with " Not my problem you are deaf" and whatever else they have to say ( mom wont correct it which is disrespectful to me as well ) so I want to smack the crap out of all of them mentally ! Therefore there just isnt a relationship here at all, its a one way street like Ive said, her way or the highway. Im not saying all women are like this, I have met some awesome women in my life, but this was just a big mistake I guess on my part.
 
Ok, that all makes sense. Thanks for explaining. I'm sorry to hear she hasn't made some simple accommodations (or not enough if she has) like making sure she gets your attention before talking to you, and the stuff with the kids sounds really horrible.
 
amylynne said:
Ok, that all makes sense. Thanks for explaining. I'm sorry to hear she hasn't made some simple accommodations (or not enough if she has) like making sure she gets your attention before talking to you, and the stuff with the kids sounds really horrible.
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Her kids are b13 and g16 and very disrespectful to me, I have a g19 out of college and a Vet Tech I had full custody of since she was 3 from my first marriage who respects me and hates how my current family is to me, My son from the current family is 29 months and is the world to me so makes it hard with all the divorce talk and attitude. But life goes on, sometimes it rough but it goes on. I Lived in Missouri all my life and thought to move elsewhere and start over, just havent decided yet where or if...
 
It depends on the couple.

If the hearing person only signs because he/she feels obligated to in front of the significant deaf other, then that relationship likely won't work out.

If the hearing person is really into deaf culture, involves (doesn't snub out) the significant deaf other in everything, and very communicative... then there's a good chance they will do fine.

I have a friend who is a CODA and her whole life is deaf culture. Even though she's an interpreter, she's very fun with deaf people. So, if she dated a deaf guy... it would work out.

I have another friend who dated a hearing woman, but she felt obligated to sign because of him. It didn't work out.
 
I think a deaf, and hearing (coda) relationship works out beautifully.
I'm sorta in one, but - I grew up in the hearing community, and I'm deaf myself, and my family is the fond of the deaf cultures.
The guy I am seeing, his parents are deaf, and he is coda. He knows deaf culture more than I do, and I know hearing idioms.

pretty much, we enjoy each other's company.
 
My hearing relationship experience same as deaf was a lot pros and cons on both deaf and hearing relationship. I do know I am more myself around deaf people I am at ease not at guard. Maybe I just havent met the right guy yet regardless of being deaf or hearing. It would not matter when one loves another.
 
I been seeing a lot more deaf/hearing relationships these days. I have two deaf guy friends who married hearing women. So far, it is good and one just had a baby recently.
 
I am hard of hearing and i have been dating hearing people, there has never been any complications although i would like to met people with the same experiences as me.
 
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