Death of a Loved One and the Holidays

mspottedhorse

mspottedhorse

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I am concerned about a friend of mine. A few years ago, someone close to him passed away in an auto accident. My friend wasn't involved directly with the accident but he blamed himself for her death. Ever year at that this time, I see a change in him.

He doesn't talk about her anymore or the accident, but I can still see the change. Each year that passes it seems to be at the same level as the year before and never gets easier for him. I can see the hurt in his eyes although he doesn't admit that its there.

I've posted here for two reasons. The first reason is to see if any members here could give advice on the death of loved ones especially during the holidays. The second reason is for my friend to read this. I want him to know that people are concerned about him and really care about him. I want him to know that there is hope. I want him to know that he is loved. I want him to know that love will blossom in his heart when he meets the right person.

Thank You.
 
If there's no death, then there's no life...

everyone always has the worst part in their lives...death. death always occur in many different ways and nobody are ever ready for that...but it's all just part of the facts of life. Just like my dog died two weeks ago before the holidays began and I didn't even want that to happen and I never even had a chance to tell her goodbye, etc...alot of people didn't get a chance to say goodbye too...but what they would always have a chance from the person who died would always be in your heart filled with love and respect and be on your side no matter what.

Everyone have different feelings about other people when it's releated to death so just try to let him have some fun and enjoy the holidays with his friends and families without depression over a person he loved dearly.
 
Yes it is very difficult to get thru the holidays after the death of a loved one -- the loved one would want ur friend to look forward into life and find happiness as she would always still be there in his heart and soul --

i too have a pal who has lost her lover in an auto accident a little more than a year ago -- she keeps the memory of her lover in a good light and treasures her happiest times with her in her heart and soul

life goes on for those who are left behind however hard it is, there are other ppl still living that also loves them -- their friends, biological family members, chosen family members that are going thru depression and missing the loved ones that has passed on -- so in thought, mspottedhorse, be supportive of ur friend and he will know u care more than he has realized before
 
I lost my son from Mengitsis in 1996. It was very hard for me first year without Xmas with him. I refused to set up Xmas tree, presents, and decoarte. My parent respected me. I attended to compassionate parent meetings every Mon night. I meet many parents who lose their loved ones. Some of them put Loved one picture beside of X-mas day, put on Candle outdoor to remembance, and Write Poem for Loved one. Also, they visited their loved one at cemetery on X-mas to put flowers or Wreath. The advice is to let him talk about his friend with Good memories and have a good cry and laugh. It will be hard at first but it will be alittle easy to talk when he know that someone like you are very care about and listen. He will find his heart that his friend is always be with him no matter what. There is no Cure for everyone "let it go with death". Too impossible cuz there will be "special date" hit him so hard like his friend's b-day, accident day, death day, and special moments. It will be very slowly fade his emotions until he is ready to accept it. He will put his friend s memories in his heart everyday. Myself, I am not really over with my son's death yet. It been struggling for me sometime for Special Day like b-day, hoilday, and death date. Sometime i always wish he is here with half sister and brother to be play with and grow up together. But i know that he is surrounding me and my children everyday as i can feel.
I hope he will be okay and be heal when he is ready. :)
MC
Mommyof3
 
Last year was hard on all of us because my grandpa died of cancer in late october... of course we all missed him and this christmas was good and we also went to see grandpa at his cemetary with small x mas tree by his grave. so cute. :)
 
I understood how his feeling is... My crush(when I was only 13 yrs old and he is my sister's best friend for many years) died in car accident by drunk driver.. He died on my mother's birthday and 9 days after my sister's wedding(thats his best friend).. I was very upset about it and didnt get better since but I got better little more after, Im still not full better for 7 years right now.. Just give him some time and he will get better in someday, not soon... my sister is still hurt about it since and Jonathan(who died), when he died and one year after his father died from heart attack.. Its so HORRIBLE for his mother, and sister... But everything will be okay... Car accident happens more often, no one can stop it until all of us decide to stop do stupid or whatever like that.. I hope he will feel better and such like that... :hug:
 
Death is part of life. We all go through it. I've lost a lot of friends through death. I had friends die in drive-by shootings, in their sleep, from suicide, in car accidents, from disorders, etc. I mourn their deaths... then look at the bright side by thinking about the good they did for us when they were alive and am thankful for having them as friends. That's what gets me going every day. :thumb:
 
About 15 years ago, my godmother (who was my mother's sister) had a massive heartattack while in church the week before Christmas. It was very messed up because she had been to doctor just the week before and he said there was nothing wrong with her heart and she was in good health, so it was a big shock to whole family.

As for how to get over it... I don't know what advice I can give, other than to celebrate the memory of the loved one. We still talk about her every year, wishing she was still with us, but instead of getting upset about it, we talk of the good times we shared.
 
Thank You for the responses and for sharing your stories. It can be difficult to talk about. The most difficult thing for him is that even though he has lost other friends this person was probably the closest to him and still has a effect on him. I've seen it complicate relationships with other women and makes it difficult to get close to anybody.
 
This thread strikes a chord in my heart, because on December 23, 2000, my wife died from complications during childbirth. December 23 was on a Saturday. Two days before, on a Thursday, she suffered a massive heart attack from a blood clot in her heart, and they did not expect her to survive that, but she miraculously pulled through (they said it was the most massive heart attack they have ever seen). However, the surgeon took me aside and informed me that because of the degree of heart damage, she would not be expected to survive without a heart transplant, which is a lengthy process of acquiring, and he gently told me to be prepared, it would be a matter of days before she would pass away. Meanwhile, we had a baby girl as a gift from God, but a few hours later He took her away---her name was Rachael and she was an angel, but she stopped breathing suddenly and went home.
For two days I stayed by my wife Susan's side, holding her hand and talking with her, the feeling of dread growing by the minute in my chest. She went into distress Saturday morning, Dec 23, and I was still holding her hand when she gave her last breath. I was sobbing to her that it is okay, she can go, go to the Light.
I came home and had to face all the presents under the tree, the dinner table set up for the joyous feast not meant to be.
I went completely NUTS, and I will spare you the details.
That was four years ago, and I know in my heart that Christmas will never be the same. It will just be different. Today I am surrounded by children of family and friends, and it is a bittersweet feeling. There is a hole in my heart that I fear will never be filled, but I choose to deny any more bitterness from growing.
It takes time, a lot of time. It takes an understanding that it was God's will that things happen the way they do. I feel it is our task upon earth to learn that lesson, to humbly let God do as He will, because if we cannot do that, then we have hearts of stone.
 
mspottedhorse said:
I am concerned about a friend of mine. A few years ago, someone close to him passed away in an auto accident. My friend wasn't involved directly with the accident but he blamed himself for her death. Ever year at that this time, I see a change in him.

He doesn't talk about her anymore or the accident, but I can still see the change. Each year that passes it seems to be at the same level as the year before and never gets easier for him. I can see the hurt in his eyes although he doesn't admit that its there.

I've posted here for two reasons. The first reason is to see if any members here could give advice on the death of loved ones especially during the holidays. The second reason is for my friend to read this. I want him to know that people are concerned about him and really care about him. I want him to know that there is hope. I want him to know that he is loved. I want him to know that love will blossom in his heart when he meets the right person.

Thank You.
Click to expand...

I can see that you truly care for this person and want to help him cope with his pain.

I dont know if this wouuld help but Ive always told my exes that if I ever pass away unexpectedly, I would want them to move on and know that I want the best for them. I don't want them to mope around or be in so much pain because he has only one life to live and I want him to truly enjoy it while he is on the Earth. It doesn't mean the special connection is gone but needs to be put away in a special corner of the heart and give other people chances because love is a gift, not to be squandered.

He needs to know that she would not want him to continue feeling guilty, etc because all she wants for him is to be truly happy and enjoy life while he can. They will meet again when it is his time to go.
 
Beowulf said:
This thread strikes a chord in my heart, because on December 23, 2000, my wife died from complications during childbirth. December 23 was on a Saturday. Two days before, on a Thursday, she suffered a massive heart attack from a blood clot in her heart, and they did not expect her to survive that, but she miraculously pulled through (they said it was the most massive heart attack they have ever seen). However, the surgeon took me aside and informed me that because of the degree of heart damage, she would not be expected to survive without a heart transplant, which is a lengthy process of acquiring, and he gently told me to be prepared, it would be a matter of days before she would pass away. Meanwhile, we had a baby girl as a gift from God, but a few hours later He took her away---her name was Rachael and she was an angel, but she stopped breathing suddenly and went home.
For two days I stayed by my wife Susan's side, holding her hand and talking with her, the feeling of dread growing by the minute in my chest. She went into distress Saturday morning, Dec 23, and I was still holding her hand when she gave her last breath. I was sobbing to her that it is okay, she can go, go to the Light.
I came home and had to face all the presents under the tree, the dinner table set up for the joyous feast not meant to be.
I went completely NUTS, and I will spare you the details.
That was four years ago, and I know in my heart that Christmas will never be the same. It will just be different. Today I am surrounded by children of family and friends, and it is a bittersweet feeling. There is a hole in my heart that I fear will never be filled, but I choose to deny any more bitterness from growing.
It takes time, a lot of time. It takes an understanding that it was God's will that things happen the way they do. I feel it is our task upon earth to learn that lesson, to humbly let God do as He will, because if we cannot do that, then we have hearts of stone.
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Im truly sorry to hear about your massive losses, Beowulf :( I had a tear sliding down my cheek.

Im glad that you will not cave in and develop a heart of stone because Susan & Rachael would not want you to turn into an unfeeling man. It is hard to understand why such things occur to such good people but we will have the answers one day. That thought alone is a comfort.
 
Awww Beowulf, I had no idea you were married before and had a daughter too. :hug: I am very sorry about your lost, And I know it is a difficult time during the holiday for you. I know losing someone close to you change your entire world, expertly during Christmas time. :( You may feel alone, but you don't have to be. You got us alldeaf members, expertly me! LOL. I hope that cheers you up. :ily:
 
I am not good at expressing the thoughtful advices but I can offer my own personal experience. I thought I don't have one but actually, I do have one (personal experience and I was trying to avoid to bring it up but.. well) It is long time and I locked it in a tiny black box in my mind for some time... until this moment to offer the real experience for your friend so he will not feel alone in this case.

I had a gal (let's call her 'Jean') who I fell in love with, we had been in serious relationship for some time. I wouldn't be surprised if I would marry Jean if she is still alive but anyway... There was a party and we hanged around for several hours. Jean and her friends planned a pajama party (for women only). When Jean got tired of that party where we were at and got ready to be on way to her friend's house for pajama party, we hugged & kissed and let her go. Jean joined one of her friends' car... that was the time that we didn't check the driver to make sure that she is alright and stuff... They drove away and I was yakking with friends for a while then finally, I started to get sleepy so I got ready to get out and be on way to my home. There was a light blinking outside in the backyard and I stopped to see what going on, few of them pointed the fingers at me so naturally, I was puzzled.

I found out that there was some kind of car accident and Jean was in one of these cars so I rushed and found her in the hospital. She didn't move or anything... The doctor said it was clean death. There was a car which drove by drunk man and hit the passenger side where Jean was sitting in. I believe it was like 90 mph or faster. The cause of death is not clear, I was trying to find the cause of death but never found out. I also found out that a driver in that car where Jean rode in, is mildly drunk as well so she couldn't react fast enough. It completely broke my heart. If I do two things -- Check the driver and talk to her for few mins, I will find out if she is drunk or not. Secondly, I should not let her go when I felt the 'funny thing' in my guts -- I probably will save my gal's life.

Now for your friend to read and meditate on my words. Naturally, I blamed myself for some time. I know a boxer-partner who had bouts with me in the boxing for fun. He told me to let it go every time I saw him but I never did. Until that time, when we are done with our bout and my partner went out for smoking so I joined for chatting. I happen to see one couple who walked by us hugging and stuff, of course, I got depressed. My partner decided to speak out and elbowed me in the shoulder then said: (I never forget)

Him: "You gotta let it go. It is killing you. I can see that."

Me: "I know but I couldn't let this guilty go. I just couldn't."

Him: "I understand but do you think that Jean would like to see you in that condition? And she will never blame you for that, no matter what you think and no matter how much guilty you feel."

That's where it hit me flat down. I pondered... I know for sure if Jean is alive and well, it would kill her to see me like that. That's when I finally accepted the fact that I had to let it go and move on before it can kill me. Carrying the guilty is like a cancer that eats up your life, you know? Once I finally realize the fact when my partner told me and of course, I cried but I felt much better afterward. When I let it go and I met women who had the interests in me but Jean is always in my heart no matter what, when and where.

mspottedhorse, tell your friend... there is a hope for him even if he didn't see that way. It is just there and wait for him to let the guilty go and move on. It is only way. Carrying the guilty around is not healthy and it is not his fault. It would kill his friend to see him like that. He will find his love or his love will find him either way. It is just a matter of time. Even though, I am not a christian but I will pray for him.
 
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Beowulf said:
This thread strikes a chord in my heart, because on December 23, 2000, my wife died from complications during childbirth. December 23 was on a Saturday. Two days before, on a Thursday, she suffered a massive heart attack from a blood clot in her heart, and they did not expect her to survive that, but she miraculously pulled through (they said it was the most massive heart attack they have ever seen). However, the surgeon took me aside and informed me that because of the degree of heart damage, she would not be expected to survive without a heart transplant, which is a lengthy process of acquiring, and he gently told me to be prepared, it would be a matter of days before she would pass away. Meanwhile, we had a baby girl as a gift from God, but a few hours later He took her away---her name was Rachael and she was an angel, but she stopped breathing suddenly and went home.
For two days I stayed by my wife Susan's side, holding her hand and talking with her, the feeling of dread growing by the minute in my chest. She went into distress Saturday morning, Dec 23, and I was still holding her hand when she gave her last breath. I was sobbing to her that it is okay, she can go, go to the Light.
I came home and had to face all the presents under the tree, the dinner table set up for the joyous feast not meant to be.
I went completely NUTS, and I will spare you the details.
That was four years ago, and I know in my heart that Christmas will never be the same. It will just be different. Today I am surrounded by children of family and friends, and it is a bittersweet feeling. There is a hole in my heart that I fear will never be filled, but I choose to deny any more bitterness from growing.
It takes time, a lot of time. It takes an understanding that it was God's will that things happen the way they do. I feel it is our task upon earth to learn that lesson, to humbly let God do as He will, because if we cannot do that, then we have hearts of stone.
Click to expand...
Wow. I am sorry about your loss. I will be devastating if it happen to me. You are strong to not let it overcome you.

meg said:
It is hard to understand why such things occur to such good people but we will have the answers one day. That thought alone is a comfort.
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I wonder about that as well... I know for sure that I will never find out why until well, you know.
 
I lost my grandmother to death on Christmas Eve '89. Before her death, we usually opened presents on Christmas Eve, but after her death, we wait until the day after, then have Christmas lunch/dinner and spending time with family.
 
Beuwolf, If I had knew that when you were in mass. Sorry hun I would have gave you hugs right now.. still would!! but It was pleasured to meet you :)



As for everyone above saying stories about their lost loves ones etc. I m sorry hugs everyone.. just be glad that you have memories of them.. :)


Wendy
 
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