What would you do????

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2lilprincesses

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I'm 25 years old and have always known who my parents are, yet today, I recieved a visit from them both, only to tell me that my father, may or may not be my father.

Apparently a guy my mother had relations with found her school webpage that she updates periodically and also my brother's caringbridge site (he's a 19 yo hodgkins lymphoma patient). After seeing these pages and finding out that my mother has kids in their 20's he started calling her at her place of employment.

He first asked her if she had a son in his mid 20's (I guess he was hoping for a boy) but he apparently thinks that I'm his. My mother says my father's upset about the whole issue, thinking that if this guy shows up I might write off him as being my father and my mom doesn't want this guy just showing up and saying "hey I'm your dad" so they decided to tell me what's been going on.

I told my father that anyone can be a sperm donor and a dad, but he's my father. He's been there for the past 25 years.

What do you do when you're in this situation????

I also told my parents that hey, if he wants to be my father I'll hit him up for support on the 18 years he missed (joking with my dad) and that I'll still hit my father up for money every once in a while too... LOL.
 
First of all, It would be very hard to know how I would feel if I found out all of sudden that my dad was not my father.

Now having said that, I would ask a question, has my dad been a very good dad to me? If the answer is yes which it seems to be in your case. I would say he's my dad even if I knew that he was not my father. I would consider dad always to be my dad and make it very clear to my dad about that. If it was me, I doubt I would be interested in meeting my father. It would be too emotional and too hard to keep things apart. That is how I see it for myself. If he was not willing to be around to see me grow up and take care of me but my dad was, why would I want him to be around for rest of my life. I cannot see that happening.


Hope that makes sense.

Travis
 
2lilprincesses said:
That's what I was trying to get across to my father, but he didn't seem like it assured him enough.
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Give him time. He is just scared right now cause he feels like he might lose his daughter. Just give him time and keep reassuring him.

Do you want to meet your biologial (sp) father?
 
I don't know... curiosity I guess, just to see who he is, but I don't know if I really want to in the long run. I mean 25 years he never thougt the possibility but now thinking I may be his (no guarentee) he's hounding my mom (calling her at work and emailing her constantly)
 
Knowing myself, I probalby would go one direction. However, I am not gonna say which way I would go cause I wouldn't want to influence your decision. Only you can decide which is best for yourself. I'm sorry I cannot be more of help in answering but only you can answer it for yourself.
 
That's so sad, Let me give you a hug I sure think you need it. :hug: It must been so hard to discovered that he might not be your father, You were an innocent victim who's been blindsided for all those years. I can see the guy who might not be your father is very important to you, because he's been there for twenty-five years for you, than the biological father and that you feel that he's more a father to you than the biological father. I can understand completely on how you feel.

Your mom should have told you the truth, instead of waiting until you are much older and wiser. I don't know what her reason was to keep it as a one big secret.

Whatever you decide if you want a relationship with your biological father to see what he is like, and see if he would be a better father now than he ever was before then go for it. I wish you some good luck!! :)
 
What would I do? I have no idea but it sounds like you are handling the whole mess perfectly by reassuring your dad of the past 25 years that he is still your father.

If you are curious about the man meet him but if he seems like he has been bugging your mom because he's a jerk instead of because he wants you in his life you probably should tell him to get lost. You and your father can also get a dna test but if it comes out that the strange man is your biological parent it could make things worse by hurting your father's feelings and making him upset.
 
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I feel the same thing about your feeling, too.

Well, actually, I never meet or knew who my father is for rest of my life. I only grew up with a single mother and two young siblings. I know their fathers are, but, I am sometime tired of wondering the "who's daddy" subject and to feel I miss somebody else who may close to me, too.

I definitelywant to know who my faither is but $$$. Oh, well.

Some people thought I have a rough life because of no father in my life, in fact, I am really donig so fine without two parents. It's just a kinda of normal life, yeah, I do have some bitter days in my own life as bullied studnet, lack of sociality, not had many friends, etc. But, I'm just doing all right.
Anyway.. My mom did not tell me until I was 15 on Wednesday of July 18, 2001 that I never had forgetten.. I just got an ugly truth from my mom so I quickly pretended that I did not anger but rather to understand. Because I did not want to upset and to see her crying.. After listening her story, I simply left in a nice way and came into my room,was started to cry hurtfully. Because, before I knew the truth, I always felt something was so missing and left me all empty as if there were more relations in my family that I have not been meet yet. Y'know, right? Before I found out, I was always wondered why I am only one deaf in my family (well, actually, I had an other deaf relation but she is my great aunt, aunt of my bio grandfather, so she's not in my generation.. Just relative members.). So, I guess my real father may have some deaf people in his family, who know?

Well.. Hmm... If I found out who my father is, I'd rather to send him a letter because I don't think it's good idea. I mean, what if my real father is a jerk, strict religious person, or else? That's why I don't feel so comfortable to face him.. So, I'd better off to not meet him in person and just send him a letter to inform my father.

By the way, thank you for sharing your story here. :)
 
My daughter felt the same way. She knew who her real dad is. She is still not ready to find him yet. She felt her step dad was always her real dad because he was there all her life for almost 21 years since she was 7 months old. Her real dad left her and left the state when she was 3 months old. He did wanted nothing to do with her. So my daughter was adopted by her step dad. She is very happy with him and always will be. She said she still doesn't know if she will ever meet her real dad one day or not. She heard a lot about him and doesn't care for him. Her real dad was married twice and had two children each from two different wives and dating someone else. The problem is that he is a heavy drinker. He had moved around alot and never stayed in one place, his phone is always disconnected.

I am always honset and do let her know because she has her rights to know. I have always told my daughter she has a right to see her real dad and if she ever feel ready to see him, I will always be with her and be on her side no matter what. She said she won't, not just yet.
 
Well, you're an adult... so there's no child support or custody issues to be resolved.

If you don't want to see the guy who could be your real father, then file a restraining order against him if you don't want to see him or want him to bother you.
 
Thank you for sharing your story Mann K05. I guess I always somehow thought, my parents are very open about anything and they used to joke that I was found under a rock, belonged to the family who lived in our first house and left behind, that they kept me. Silly jokes. I knew my mom and dad weren't "together together" when she flew to Texas to be with him.

They were high school sweethearts that had a few falling outs and some seperation. I know who some of my mom's old boyfriends are, but not all. Vice Versa with my dad. My mom bought my dad's high school class ring, but he gave it to some other girl he dated after they broke up. Later they got back together and split again for a while.

My mom found out she was pregnant (I guess she was sure I was my dad's) and she went out to Texas (he had joined the army). Really for 25 years there was no doubt (maybe at first, who knows). I won't say they hid it because maybe they really didn't think of it, maybe they knew for sure then. All of a sudden this guy sees my mom's information, the fact that she has kids and starts calling and writing her saying I may be his. Why after 25 years, and never seeing this woman again (or thinking of her) would you be sure of that?

Sounds a little strange. Not sure if I would say I was his biological yet or not.
 
Only way you'll know for sure if he's your biological father is to take a paternity test which is sometimes called a genetic test. ;)
 
VamPyroX said:
Well, you're an adult... so there's no child support or
custody issues to be resolved.

Yeah, of course. :)
If you don't want to see the guy who could be your real father, then file a restraining order against him if you don't want to see him or want him to bother you.
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Oh, thank you for informing me. I need that. ;) And, for your information, I don't meet him in person so I don't know where he is because I don't take a DNA test yet. ^_^
 
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restless_heart said:
My daughter felt the same way. She knew who her real dad is. She is still not ready to find him yet. She felt her step dad was always her real dad because he was there all her life for almost 21 years since she was 7 months old. Her real dad left her and left the state when she was 3 months old. He did wanted nothing to do with her. So my daughter was adopted by her step dad. She is very happy with him and always will be. She said she still doesn't know if she will ever meet her real dad one day or not. She heard a lot about him and doesn't care for him. Her real dad was married twice and had two children each from two different wives and dating someone else. The problem is that he is a heavy drinker. He had moved around alot and never stayed in one place, his phone is always disconnected.

I am always honset and do let her know because she has her rights to know. I have always told my daughter she has a right to see her real dad and if she ever feel ready to see him, I will always be with her and be on her side no matter what. She said she won't, not just yet.
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Wow, your daughter is quiet different than mine. I really don't consider of my bio father as close relation cos I unuaslly don't know how I grow up look like if my father <i>is</i> there in my life.. Besides, I don't have any strong bond or feeling for him either. Of course, I'm still wondering about who he is.

Yeah, it's better for your daughter to take a time until she's ready to see him in person. I feel the same thing as her, too. I honestly don't interest in to meet my father because I don't trust him. You already had been my previous post from above here.

Thank you for sharing a story, restless heart. ;):)
 
2lilprincesses said:
Thank you for sharing your story Mann K05. I guess I always somehow thought, my parents are very open about anything and they used to joke that I was found under a rock, belonged to the family who lived in our first house and left behind, that they kept me. Silly jokes. I knew my mom and dad weren't "together together" when she flew to Texas to be with him.

They were high school sweethearts that had a few falling outs and some seperation. I know who some of my mom's old boyfriends are, but not all. Vice Versa with my dad. My mom bought my dad's high school class ring, but he gave it to some other girl he dated after they broke up. Later they got back together and split again for a while.

My mom found out she was pregnant (I guess she was sure I was my dad's) and she went out to Texas (he had joined the army). Really for 25 years there was no doubt (maybe at first, who knows). I won't say they hid it because maybe they really didn't think of it, maybe they knew for sure then. All of a sudden this guy sees my mom's information, the fact that she has kids and starts calling and writing her saying I may be his. Why after 25 years, and never seeing this woman again (or thinking of her) would you be sure of that?

Sounds a little strange. Not sure if I would say I was his biological yet or not.
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yuor very welcome. :)

Wow, definitely interesting.. Yeah, it may be strange to see like that. Hmmm..
 
Cheri said:
Only way you'll know for sure if he's your biological father is to take a paternity testwhich is sometimes called a genetic test. ;)
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How do I find it? I will more happy if you can help me a bit. :D

One of my good friends did take a DNA test for her son but I refused to ask the young mother because of her slight immaturity and rudeness will toward me if I simply ask her. I dont trust anybody else cos they will just like, "Oh my gosh! How you are so stupid!? You should know better! Blah blah".. I hate it! It wont make sense if I dont know about something so important *WHEN* nobody would tell me about *THIS* various events. How could I be "ignorant"/stupid/lack of intelligence/whatever when I simply do not know of impressive information that nobody told me before? Geeze! :ugh3:

Sorry ofr my ramble ranting. ^.^
 
I would ask myself what it is that this guy is hoping to gain after 25 years of silence?

I realize you said he found her info on a computer. But the computer has been around for a decade now. Why all of a sudden? My guess would be that he had hoped there was something to *gain* out of being the father of you or you brother.

I would definitely be very wary of this man and this situation. I realize he may be your biological father, but he could also be a lowlife scum.

If you or your brother have any assests that need protection, I would definitely seek a lawyer before taking a DNA test.

The simple fact that he is repeatedly calling your mother throws up a red flag for me.
 
Mann_K05 said:
How do I find it? I will more happy if you can help me a bit. :D
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Child support enforcement provides this testing at no charge to you, Tests are also sometimes ordered by courts. If I were you, I would go with genetic testing, because it's 99.999% accuracy rate. Go to your nearest child support enforcement or local court house, and ask them about it. They will be more than glad to help you. ;)

But, before they set up a paternity test, they would have to know the location of where's the absent father lives, to send him an order to have a paternity test done.
 
Mann_K05 said:
Wow, your daughter is quiet different than mine. I really don't consider of my bio father as close relation cos I unuaslly don't know how I grow up look like if my father <i>is</i> there in my life.. Besides, I don't have any strong bond or feeling for him either. Of course, I'm still wondering about who he is.

Yeah, it's better for your daughter to take a time until she's ready to see him in person. I feel the same thing as her, too. I honestly don't interest in to meet my father because I don't trust him. You already had been my previous post from above here.

Thank you for sharing a story, restless heart. ;):)
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When I told her the news when she was old enough and ready to know about her real dad, she was good about it, but she had a good memory when she was adopted, because when her real dad had threatened us that he is coming to the state to see her, not a damn thing we can do about it was excat his words...she was three years old at the time and we had to tell her that she had a different last name and her dad is coming to see her anyday--the whole time she thought she had her step dad's last name...she flipped out and gone crazy not wanting to see a stranger because she had never saw this man all her life she was only 3 months old...barely out of the hospital. We hate to see her like this, she was so terrified so we got a lawyer so fast and slapped him in the face with adoption papers and court orders with child support and when we got adoption papers drawn up...he signed his rights away to her step dad so fast that he wanted nothing to do with her. Now you know what kind of person he is...he got arrested shortly after that because I help a girl to sue him for car accident that he hit with his truck in my name (he forged four titles in my name--counting forgery). So then we never heard or saw him again until 2002. he moved back to the state and met another girl and had two more kids. Since we last heard, she had left him as well. My daughter is so uncertain about all this because of his attitude and bad reputations. She had never thought different of her step dad, she felt he is always and will always be her dad no matter what. She was very proud of have her step dad walked her down the asile. She will never ask for another dad.

Before the adoption papers were drawn out legally, the court ordered her real dad to have his blood test done (he told the state, she was not his because he fear of child support order of 3,000 that he owed to the state) and he was her dad legally, but not anymore he signed away his rights. But in blood he is her dad, I always told my daughter to follow her heart and feel what is right...she knows. She made that choice. i will let you know if she was ever ready to meet her real dad one day...or maybe she never will.
 
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