Verbal Abuse: Is it a Problem for You in your Relationship?

Liza

Liza

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I found this, and thought it was a good source of information for individuals who may suspect they have a verbally abusive partner. It also provides solutions, which is a bonus to me.

Straight live from Oprah's website:

VERBAL ABUSE: HOW TO SAVE YOURSELF
How to save yourself from a bad guy: an interview with author Patricia Evans
By Annie Gottlieb

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. How many women think of that schoolyard rhyme while reeling from a partner's put-downs or angry outbursts? The rhyme's a lie, says Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship—the book that helped change Brandy's life. Cruel words can do worse than break bones: They can break your spirit, cripple your confidence, even make you physically ill.

"This can happen to any woman, with any family background or career," she says. "It's happened to psychologists, lawyers, doctors, teachers, Web designers, mommies—even the director of a women's shelter." A woman falls into the trap because the abuse takes her by surprise. "He isn't abusive while he's courting you," Evans says. "But once he gets you, he switches—and you have no idea why."

http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200207/omag_200207_abuse.jhtml

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Why Is This Happening—What to Do?

How can his voice drown out your inner knowing? Patricia Evans explains.


The abuse only happens when you're alone with him. Friends and coworkers might think he's a prince, so you doubt your own perceptions or believe his anger must be your fault.

Verbal abuse escalates gradually; you adapt. (The abuse might also become physical.) He's Jekyll and Hyde, with just enough sweet times to keep you hoping the relationship will improve.

Assuming he's rational (aren't all men?) and wants what you want (loving mutuality), you strain to make sense of what he says. But it's nonsense, designed to confuse you. The shocking truth is, he seeks control, not intimacy.

Yet you can save your spirit. Evans maps out the steps to emotional rescue:


Recognize that the abuse has nothing to do with you or your actions or qualities.

Stop trying to explain and defend yourself. Instead, start setting limits: "Cut that out!" or "I don't want to hear that."

Listen carefully to your feelings. Believe them, not him.

Get support from a counselor or therapist. Make sure she understands that this isn't just a "conflict" or an "argument."

Keep in mind that an abuser might be able to change himself if he really wants to—but you can't change him. You can honor and nurture yourself.

http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200207/omag_200207_abuseevans.jhtml

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The checklist: seven signs you may be in a verbally abusive relationship

A checklist from the book that woke up Brandy:


1. He seems irritated or angry with you several times a week. When you ask why he's mad, he either denies it or tells you it's in some way your fault.

2. When you feel hurt and try to talk with him, the issues never get resolved. He might refuse to discuss your upset feelings by saying "You're just trying to start an argument!" or claiming he has no idea what you're talking about.

3. You frequently feel frustrated because you can't get him to understand your intentions.

4. You're upset—not so much about concrete issues like how much time to spend together, but about communication: what he thinks you said and what you heard him say.

5. You sometimes think, "What's wrong with me? I shouldn't feel so bad."

6. He seems to take the opposite view from you on almost everything, and his opinion isn't stated as "I think," but as if you're wrong and he's right.

7. You can't recall saying "Cut it out!" or "Stop it!"

Adapted from The Verbally Abusive Relationship © 1992, 1996 by Patricia Evans. Printed with permission from Adams Media.

http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200207/omag_200207_checklist.jhtml
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More info about verbal abuse in relationships from http://www.verbalabuse.com/3.shtml - a must read!

Some more pretty good info from http://www.verbalabuse.com/indexmain.shtml
 
With people, they are quick to reply that verbal abuse is not a form of abuse because verbal abuse is not readily recognised just yet. Without making a gross generalization, some men are afraid to confront their female partners when their partners have been verbally abusive in fear of being stigmatized by their male friends. It can be an ego blow. Female partners are afraid to confront their male partners because their female friends will stigmatize her by saying "He's a prince and he treats you well! You must have been pushing his buttons!!" This does apply to gay partners as well.
 
Good thread, Liza.

It is still painful to discuss verbal abuse I encountered in a few relationships I had. Most men I dated did not dish out verbal abuse but a few did and that left permanent scars in my heart despite time/healing, etc.

For instance: I was with this man and he often told me that I have no friends and I was fat/ugly. Often he was invited to parties and would tell me " You shouldnt go to the party because no one likes you and you are better off staying home." I actually believed him and my self esteem really plunged. It is one of many examples and it took me 3 years to finally realized what he was doing. I finally left him but it took 2 another years to finally be FREE of him as he was stalking and harassing me as he couldnt believe that I actually had guts to leave him. Everyone especially my mother adored him. They thought he was just perfect for me. He wrote long pleading letters to my mother trying to win her over when I refused to see him. My mother did not understand why I didnt want to marry him, etc. He was very charming and calcuating and hid his abuse from others.

When we were alone, he was angry and blaming me for his problems. He lashed out on me for bringing up my insecurities, confusion, etc. Yet he made his love for me very public by buying me flowers, jewelry etc to make others believe that he was very good to me.

I could go on but I m sure that you get the gist.

Now I just run as fast as I can from these types of men. I can smell one a mile away and literally run.
 
Cookie Monster said:
With people, they are quick to reply that verbal abuse is not a form of abuse because verbal abuse is not readily recognised just yet.
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I beg to differ;

Femninists have done plenty good to expand the definition of 'abuse' and we're looking toward to 'hearing your neighbors taking a s**t' (like in trailer parks) as a recognized form of abuse. The feminists are getting it their way soon and something needs to put a brake on them.

Richard
 
Nesmuth said:
I beg to differ;

Femninists have done plenty good to expand the definition of 'abuse' and we're looking toward to 'hearing your neighbors taking a s**t' (like in trailer parks) as a recognized form of abuse. The feminists are getting it their way soon and something needs to put a brake on them.

Richard
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:wtf: Not sure what you are implying ????? Dont want to read between lines so am asking you to clarify.
 
Good thread.
Voices can drown words spoken and it seems the louder voices win.
When one hollers at another person in the heat of an argument, it seems that we are within the rules of the game, but all too often the other person hollers back and the knife if whipped out.
Then a gun.
Then a cannon.
Then a missile.
Then an anti-missile.
And on it goes merrily and merrily.
But all kidding aside, I totally agree that verbal abuse is assault.
I know, because I have done it before and am still jolly aware of it.
 
Beowulf said:
I know, because I have done it before and am still jolly aware of it.
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You mean that you have dished out verbal abuse on your women in relationships and are jolly aware of it?

Note: I think Im not fully awake today if I dont seem to get it with a few postees, lol.
 
Not only partners, but the posters in AllDeaf Forum too verbal abuse one another....

Even friends and family members.
 
Depend men who have being "an asshole" or "Mr nice guy but anymore" as condiser white paint their face looks!

I'd rather be kept caution and make sure he is good for me or not.. turns it out sour after the married kept battle our marriage went improved and happier much better than long run years back. Some of them who not charm lucky or charm lucky guy as your right person have him.

Uneasy about being volient verbal speak or bare their hands hit you who seek MR RIGHT.
My prevouis ex-bf who is extremelly volient verbal and abusing me in my past horrible and break my frighten and also came it out finally felt so much better.

Hopefully whoever has hide their feelings really hurtful due "volient abuse or verbal" must go and break their feelings upbeat your own way.
 
Meg said:
You mean that you have dished out verbal abuse on your women in relationships and are jolly aware of it?

Note: I think Im not fully awake today if I dont seem to get it with a few postees, lol.
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I have done it.
I wish I didn't.
But realistically, it will happen in relationships.
How you deal with it makes the difference.
 
Beowulf said:
I have done it.
I wish I didn't.
But realistically, it will happen in relationships.
How you deal with it makes the difference.
Click to expand...

You are right.

There are many of us who realize that using words can be a powerful assault, especially in moment of heat/anger. Most of us often regret and wish we could take these back. But there are others who couldnt care less and keep going as they feel powerful and in control. That is where the problem starts.
 
yeah my sister acted like she is so nice, and wanted people to think
I am mean and evil.

Jeff was like that, at Gallaudet...
Damn, people all think he is a wonderful guy...
but people think I am mean and evil...
but I was trying to tell them that
behind closed doors, he is an evil guy....
but nobody believed me...

Because he was goodlooking and I was ugly...
And people believed him, and not me.

It just made me so frustrated, that is why I explode like dynamite...
and having people see how evil I am, when really I ain't evil.

Just like at CSUN, my roommates think they are so innocent...
and want people to think they are innocent...
and even those guys who wanted to date me....
and they all think I am bad bad bad and evil....
They stole my bike and all...
When all I did was be on computer, internet, and be in room most of time and go classes....
And I just ruining my reputation by exploding and pull down fire alarm....
Giving my enemies the satisfaction.... "See, she is evil, I rest my case"

But I am just a funny, sweet, understanding, good listener, and can
be a good friend. But oh well, I will always be a bad bad bad person in anyone eyes. :roll:
 
Nesmuth said:
I beg to differ;

Femninists have done plenty good to expand the definition of 'abuse' and we're looking toward to 'hearing your neighbors taking a s**t' (like in trailer parks) as a recognized form of abuse. The feminists are getting it their way soon and something needs to put a brake on them.

Richard
Click to expand...


If you will re-read my post again...

With people, they are quick to reply that verbal abuse is not a form of abuse because verbal abuse is not readily recognised just yet. Without making a gross generalization, some men are afraid to confront their female partners when their partners have been verbally abusive in fear of being stigmatized by their male friends. It can be an ego blow. Female partners are afraid to confront their male partners because their female friends will stigmatize her by saying "He's a prince and he treats you well! You must have been pushing his buttons!!" This does apply to gay partners as well.
Click to expand...

Without taking my post out of context, what I meant was that those who claim that verbal abuse is not a form of abuse are afraid to be ostracized by their peers. Verbal abuse is not readily recognised just yet. The word abuse comes to one's mind, one thinks of raising a hand/fist and harming another person.

The feminists are getting it their way soon and something needs to put a brake on them.
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I've only got one question to ask you and that is what does the feminists have to do with verbal abuse in this discussion? Just because a woman speaks out for her rights/opinions, she is labelled a feminist? What does this generalise a man who speaks out for his rights/opinions? I would love to hear from your perspective.
 
Liza, good topic. I had been in that situation but it is "turn around". I had been experiencing the verbal abuse from my ex-girlfriend in the past. I put up with it because I thought it was part of "relationship" or I was blind by my love for her either way. When I looked back in the past and I wish I didn't let her do that to me because there is still a emotional 'scar' in me. In relationship with Nas made it more easier for me to 'heal' it with her love and assurances.


Nesmuth, good grief. That's a baloney and you know it. I want to repeat what Cookiemonster asked:
I've only got one question to ask you and that is what does the feminists have to do with verbal abuse in this discussion? Just because a woman speaks out for her rights/opinions, she is labelled a feminist? What does this generalise a man who speaks out for his rights/opinions? I would love to hear from your perspective.
Click to expand...
I want to know as well.
 
Liza good thread!

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Good thread, Liza!

Verbal abuse can happen to anyone, but the important thing to remember about any form of abuse is, you can heal from it. A person doesn't have to be a prisoner to someone who's abusive, or be a prisoner of their past. There is life after an abusive relationship ends, and it can be good!
 
Interesting Thread...

A lot of people have verbal abuse and i know not everyone.. I've been there before with my ex boyfriend.... I learned a lot from him and I learned when not to cross the line and etc. its very scary at times. There are different kinds of verbal abuses and u know if it gets worse, just get out if you really have to! I know it can be hard at times. Verbal abuse can make you feel left out or depress or losing friends, etc etc it depend on the situation. Just be careful!
 
I agree with some in here. It is how one handles it in a relationship. The reason why I mention this is because some people may not be used to constructive criticism and blunt remarks. One person could say something without the intention to hurt someone but to simply express his/her own opinions, and that could be viewed by the other person as an abusive remark. It's a matter of perspective. I do not believe that strong person should be dating a weak person, or vice versa. Strong person with another strong person, and same for weak person with another weak person. My SO is a strong person and I used to think that I was a strong person until I realised that some of his remarks could be miscontruted as criticism and such. He hates beating around the bush and getting directly to the point, sometimes without insight to what his words could be perceived. Now, I think I have changed and we are open and honest to each other about what we think. It might seem abrasive to others but we prefer that way so that we know something is up and bothering each other. I have to watch out though with some of my friends and not to speak bluntly with them, as they might view me as a pompous arsehole :P (to quote someone). Also, another thing I noticed about myself is that when someone accuses me out of blue and go frivilous on it, I can be a real bitch back to that person.

A quote which I like very much: "Silence is golden." but it is a very difficult statement to abide by sometimes!
 
verbal abuse in relationship.. it may not bothers me because it makes me stronger with my words and thats the possiblity to give them 2 choice, stay or leave. as in break up or make up.
 
I have been clear enough. If you dont understand what I said, TOO BAD! And I suggest you go back to school and learn to read.

Richard


tsk tsk Nesmuth, be nice-- ~RR ;)
 
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