Verbal Abuse: Is it a Problem for You in your Relationship?

[Missus_Philos0phyK]

I have been clear enough. If you dont understand what I said, TOO BAD! And I suggest you go back to school and learn to read.

Richard

refering to whom?

 

[Cookie Monster]

I have been clear enough. If you dont understand what I said, TOO BAD! And I suggest you go back to school and learn to read.

Richard

In the url you kindly provided, I would love to share with you a very wonderful quote,

These stories are presented in the hope that the laws may be changed to provide equal justice. The human problem of domestic violence and abuse must be approached with the intent of solving the problem rather than simply blaming men, as is currently done. Clearly, domestic violence and abuse is a human problem, not a gender issue.

http://www.ejfi.org/DV/dv-41.htm#pgfId-1359106

Laying the blame on either men or women will not help at all. It is about approaching the situation with the proper help for both genders.

 

[Liza]

I have been clear enough. If you dont understand what I said, TOO BAD! And I suggest you go back to school and learn to read.

Richard

Cut that out. I know none of us deserve this attitude from you, and I would like to ask you if you are aware of the effects of your chosen words on other people.

I, too, did not understand what you were talking about either. It is up to you if you wish to elaborate on your post about feminists or whatever. We want to understand you, nothing more, nothing less.

 

[Vance]

Nesmuth, I am aware of these abuses but a question is: have you ever aware that some men who so-quickly labelled any women "feminist" when women speak up during or right after men abused them in emotionally, psychologically, verbally and physically manners? These men are not 'man' enough to let women to have the rights or their opinions... Of course, women are not innocent in these cases as well. No one in this topic implied that women are innocent in DV cases.

Frankly... I don't understand why you are so determine to point a finger at feminists about abuse issues in a topic like this topic. I don't see any references about feminism in Liza's topic at all. Care to tell me why you brought it up? That discussion will derail Liza's topic or leads to something else where Liza may not want us to have in her topic.

http://www.ejfi.org/DV/dv-41.htm#pgfId-1359106

Laying the blame on either men or women will not help at all. It is about approaching the situation with the proper help for both genders.

That's what I am going to point it out when I read that one. Excellent... two great minds think alike.

 

[Liza]

I agree with some in here. It is how one handles it in a relationship. The reason why I mention this is because some people may not be used to constructive criticism and blunt remarks. One person could say something without the intention to hurt someone but to simply express his/her own opinions, and that could be viewed by the other person as an abusive remark. It's a matter of perspective. I do not believe that strong person should be dating a weak person, or vice versa. Strong person with another strong person, and same for weak person with another weak person. My SO is a strong person and I used to think that I was a strong person until I realised that some of his remarks could be miscontruted as criticism and such. He hates beating around the bush and getting directly to the point, sometimes without insight to what his words could be perceived. Now, I think I have changed and we are open and honest to each other about what we think. It might seem abrasive to others but we prefer that way so that we know something is up and bothering each other. I have to watch out though with some of my friends and not to speak bluntly with them, as they might view me as a pompous arsehole :P (to quote someone). Also, another thing I noticed about myself is that when someone accuses me out of blue and go frivilous on it, I can be a real bitch back to that person.

A quote which I like very much: "Silence is golden." but it is a very difficult statement to abide by sometimes!

That's great that you share dont-beat-around-the-bush honesty with your SO.

I think there is a difference between constructive criticism and the kind that can be a part of verbal abuse, too, like you mentioned before bringing up the possibility that there is room for misunderstanding. Yes, that could happen. It's good to ask before jumping to conclusions, huh?

Once again, I believe it is up to every one to judge how s/he is comforable with the situation and what they can do in a particular situation, and vice versa. Yeah, when the person is ready.. not speaking of weak/strong here, and I think that is too simplified myself.. LOL.. honesty'll do it, even if it means having to ask the hard questions and risk the wrath?

 

[Liza]

Liza, good topic. I had been in that situation but it is "turn around". I had been experiencing the verbal abuse from my ex-girlfriend in the past. I put up with it because I thought it was part of "relationship" or I was blind by my love for her either way. When I looked back in the past and I wish I didn't let her do that to me because there is still a emotional 'scar' in me. In relationship with Nas made it more easier for me to 'heal' it with her love and assurances.

Thanks, and I'm glad you were able to share your input in this thread, and that you have an understanding partner today! Magatsu.. it was NOT your fault that your ex chose to treat you like that. *huggies* I understand and appreciate what you are saying about your past experience, and I agree that even men can be verbally abused. It's unfortunate that anyone "can" be verbally abused, gender, color, size, age, creed, position, and all.

 

[Liza]

Liza good thread! ...{edited}...

Thanks, Tweetybird... it is very important to examine how you feel in a potentially abusive situation, and to examine what you can do after it. Too often, I think it's a waste of time to wait for a person who has been abusive towards you to "change"-- it is within your power to choose what you can do in any situation... walk away, or find good replies to use when you do not defend yourself or let yourself be sucked into hours and hours of argument that gets nowhere. There could be other ways, too. I'm learning, too.

 

[Liza]

Good thread, Liza!

Verbal abuse can happen to anyone, but the important thing to remember about any form of abuse is, you can heal from it. A person doesn't have to be a prisoner to someone who's abusive, or be a prisoner of their past. There is life after an abusive relationship ends, and it can be good!

Yo, good reminder, OB! that's what I wanted to include in my reply to Tweetybird, too. Everyone deserves peace in their lives, even if they have to "work" to get it.

 

[Liza]

Without taking my post out of context, what I meant was that those who claim that verbal abuse is not a form of abuse are afraid to be ostracized by their peers. Verbal abuse is not readily recognised just yet. The word abuse comes to one's mind, one thinks of raising a hand/fist and harming another person.

I could not agree more about this part, Cookie Monster! You've made some good insights, and I appreciate that.

 

[javapride]

yes ocean breeze we all deserves peace not having to have poeple continue to think abt the past all the time its unhealthy and no one can heal right talking abt it with therpaist is fine but to expose other's wrong doing is immature should leave personal issues off forums and what nots. we admit to our wrong doings but we find the tools not to do it again.

mine took me a yr to do this.... ...{edited}... :roll:

 

[kuifje75]

Once again, I believe it is up to every one to judge how s/he is comforable with the situation and what they can do in a particular situation, and vice versa. Yeah, when the person is ready.. not speaking of weak/strong here, and I think that is too simplified myself.. LOL.. honesty'll do it, even if it means having to ask the hard questions and risk the wrath?

Ok, let me put this in other words. Maybe strong and weak are wrong words to use, but more likely putting sensitive people with blunt people. It's like the blunt people could say things without any actual harm but it can be perceived quite badly by the sensitive partner. The sensitive partner will just end up being sad and if they don't communicate, there will be resentment boiling up in the sensitive partner that the blunt partner may not even be aware about.

So, communication is very crucial in making sure that words aren't perceived in a wrong way. Continued unawareness of the blunt partner's part that may impact on the sensitive partner to keep feeling badly just doesn't contribute to anything, and he/she might view it as abuse when it wasn't really abuse. Again, communicate! Don't build walls of defence around you and your partner and stop listening.

 

[Liza]

Ok, let me put this in other words. Maybe strong and weak are wrong words to use, but more likely putting sensitive people with blunt people. It's like the blunt people could say things without any actual harm but it can be perceived quite badly by the sensitive partner. The sensitive partner will just end up being sad and if they don't communicate, there will be resentment boiling up in the sensitive partner that the blunt partner may not even be aware about.

So, communication is very crucial in making sure that words aren't perceived in a wrong way. Continued unawareness of the blunt partner's part that may impact on the sensitive partner to keep feeling badly just doesn't contribute to anything, and he/she might view it as abuse when it wasn't really abuse. Again, communicate! Don't build walls of defence around you and your partner and stop listening.

Kootchie, thanks for making things more clearer for me. I wasn't sure what you meant by the weak/strong analog since I suspected these words might have different meaning for me from what they have for you.

What you just explained makes perfect sense to me. Communication is key, and honesty is the way to go. One factor I have in mind is the allowance of time and learning how to deal with this. Consider how much this sensitive person is knowledgeable about communicating this to SO/friend, and the possibility of mistakes being learned from.

It becomes a new set of problems when the "blunt" partner introduces an element of control as an attempt to make this "sensitive" person a "slave" to his/her preceptions of what is right and what is wrong, and what should be done and what should be thought. Free will, personal desires, and hopes of this "sensitive" person is squelched, rather than accepted unconditionally by the SO/friend.

 

[PurrMeow]

Liz, I am glad you post about "Verbal Abuse". I have been through long ago and I went to see the therapist. I guess I could say that the better book which "Patricia Evans" writes book called "The Verbal Abuse: Controlling People", "The Verbal Abusive Relationship" and "Verbal Abuse: Surivors Speak out on Relationship and Recovery". Those books are very good to read which I have those that help me alot to learn since I was one of them.

 

[Cookie Monster]

I highly recommend this book "Dealing with People You Can't Stand" by Dr Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner because when one reads this book, one does realise the problem often lies within them. Everyone is at fault for their own issues.

www.DealingwithPeople.com

 

[Cookie Monster]

Let's not go off topic here and ruin such a wonderful thread.

Like kuifje75 commented..

So, communication is very crucial in making sure that words aren't perceived in a wrong way. Continued unawareness of the blunt partner's part that may impact on the sensitive partner to keep feeling badly just doesn't contribute to anything, and he/she might view it as abuse when it wasn't really abuse. Again, communicate! Don't build walls of defence around you and your partner and stop listening.

I will quote from "Dealing with People You Can't Stand", the ten types of personalities, you may or may not identify with those.

TANKS
People who attack and bully you, or try to run right over you.

MAYBE PEOPLE
People who keep waffling and putting off decisions until it is too late

SNIPERS:
People who make sarcastic comments or sabatoge you behind your back.

GRENADES:
The irrational temper tantrum.

KNOW IT ALLS:
They know 99% of anything, just ask them!
But they'll never listen to your clearly inferior ideas.

THINK THEY KNOW IT ALLS:
They can't fool all the people all of the time,
but these legends in their own minds can pull you off track.

WHINERS:
Ooohh nooooo, nothing is right, everything is wrong!
There's a plan for their life but they're not in it!

NO PEOPLE:
Doleful and discouraging, their motto is:
"Every silver cloud has a dark lining."

YES PEOPLE:
Quick to agree, slow to deliver,
they leave a trail of broken promises.

NOTHING PEOPLE:
No verbal feedback. No nonverbal feedback.
They simply say "."

http://www.dealingwithpeople.com/dpcs/interactive/ten.types.html

 

[Gemtun]

Wow, good information, CookieMonster! I will copy and paste and keep it to remind myself of various communication styles used by people.

 

[TweetyBird]

Thanks for that information...

 

[Oceanbreeze]

yes ocean breeze we all deserves peace not having to have poeple continue to think abt the past all the time its unhealthy and no one can heal right talking abt it with therpaist is fine but to expose other's wrong doing is immature should leave personal issues off forums and what nots. we admit to our wrong doings but we find the tools not to do it again.

mine took me a yr to do this ...{edited}... :roll:

Hang on, Java. You're twisting what I said around. I said one can heal from abuse, and that is exactly what I meant. Healing comes by talking about what has happened. Everybody who has been abused has the right to heal, and they have the right to decide how that healing takes place for them. Nobody has the right to define that for that person.

When someone is abused, something is deliberately stolen from them. A peice of their innocence. Their self worth. Their sense of security. It's all stolen from them, and they have the right to reclaim that. {edited} Please take it up {edited} in PM or IM land. That's the appropriate place to air a person grievance.

 

[Oceanbreeze]

{quote removed}

{comment related to post removed} Having said that, I believe that abusers have to want to change, and they can't do it by themselves. Some type of one on one counseling with a therapist is a must, so that person can begin to understand why they are abusive, and so they can learn to change their thought process.

I believe a person can change if they want to, and the only way that is going to happen is if they really and truly understand the reasons for their behavor, so that they can learn new ways to deal. Then, I think the abuser has to make amends with the person that they hurt. The person who has been abused deserves to know why this happened to them. After all, it is never the abused person's fault, and that person needs to know that, so they can heal.

 

[Roadrunner]

Mod Note:

After reviewing this thread, several posts were removed as well as editing a few posts. This is a good and well intended thread crafted by Liza, please keep personal issues out of this thread as well as out of Alldeaf and stick to the discussions for which this thread is about--thank you!

~RR