question about nightmare..

[jillio]

I agree the letters are more for myself. But I just so happen to be crossing paths with him twice a day. So maybe it's a sign I should give him a letter?

Well, I would ask you this: Do you want to initate contact with him, or do you want to take action that will remove him from having any more control over your life?

 

[jillio]

Unfortunately no mental tool works for everyone, and even the ones they do work for may not always work at all times.

But I do have a tool box that has served me well, it seems to be fuller than most people's; I am willing to share it with others, and it has helped some of them.

Now my tool box is empty.

Sorry there was nothing in there you could use. If you come up with something let me know. I'm always willing to add a new tool -- Who knows, I may need it someday myself.

You are absolutely correct. No technique is successful for all. What works for one may not work for another. They key is to find that match, and when it works, use it.

 

[Nika]

Well, I would ask you this: Do you want to initate contact with him, or do you want to take action that will remove him from having any more control over your life?

I would like to get him AWAY from children.

 

[Hear Again]

nika,

i hope my post doesn't spark any negative emotions, but that must be so difficult to see the person who was responsible for what happened to you. i'm lucky in the sense that 2 of the people who harmed me can no longer do so since they are deceased and the third person who traumatized me is long gone.

 

[jillio]

I would like to get him AWAY from children.

I understand, but you have no control over him. Yet you are giving him a degree of control over you.

So my question again would be: do you want to eleminate the control he still has over your life, or do you want to intiate contact with him in some attempt to change him?

 

[Nika]

I understand, but you have no control over him. Yet you are giving him a degree of control over you.

I want to eliminate the control he has over other children. The one thing keeping me from moving on is knowing that he is still doing the same things to kids today that he did to me a number of years ago. That kills me. I have tried to report him on several occasions, but it proved futile.

If I write him a letter I want to suggest to him to go into another line of work -- preferably one that doesn't involve children.

 

[Nika]

nika,

i hope my post doesn't spark any negative emotions, but that must be so difficult to see the person who was responsible for what happened to you. i'm lucky in the sense that 2 of the people who harmed me can no longer do so since they are deceased and the third person who traumatized me is long gone.

I'm glad to hear the people that harmed you are no longer harming you or anyone else.

 

[Hear Again]

I'm glad to hear the people that harmed you are no longer harming you or anyone else.

me too. i hate to say this about the 2 people who are deceased (because i don't believe in disrespecting those who have passed away), but i hope they are being punished for the things they've done.

 

[Nika]

me too. i hate to say this about the 2 people who are deceased (because i don't believe in disrespecting those who have passed away), but i hope they are being punished for the things they've done.

It's natural to wish harm on people that hurt you, Hear Again. Don't let social taboos get in the way. They hurt you -- you have a right to be angry.

 

[Hear Again]

nika,

i'm afraid if you write him a letter and suggest that he find another career, he may not agree and it may even encourage him to initiate further contact with you. it might be best to write a letter and keep it to yourself.

 

[Hear Again]

It's natural to wish harm on people that hurt you, Hear Again. Don't let social taboos get in the way. They hurt you -- you have a right to be angry.

i know you're right, but i was raised a strong catholic since age 5 and was taught never to speak ill against those who have died. i think that might be part of the reason why i've been unable to express my anger for so many years.

 

[Nika]

nika,

i'm afraid if you write him a letter and suggest that he find another career, he may not agree and it may even encourage him to initiate further contact with you. it might be best to write a letter and keep it to yourself.

I was thinking of writing a letter to the school about him again. Then they could look into it and hopefully fire him accordingly and put it on his record.

 

[Nika]

i know you're right, but i was raised a strong catholic since age 5 and was taught never to speak ill against those who have died. i think that might be part of the reason why i've been unable to express my anger for so many years.

Aw I'm sorry. It's really tough when cultural expectations clash with the healing process. <sad> I know some belief systems expect you to reach forgiveness (I know Catholicism is one of these), but I don't think that that should be a required part of the healing process at all. I have seen it get in the way of healing before. <sad>

 

[Berry]

i just don't understand how that's possible when the reality of what happened to a person is so strong that it can't be replaced by fantasy.

.

It is not an over night thing, you don't just do it one time and have it take effect -- Nor do you actually "replace" reality with fantasy. You always know what really happened.

Also it is (imho) more of an emotional overlay than a mental overlay.

I can give an example, once again from my childhood.

The last month of school the local bully had harassed me to the point of pure terror. Over the summer I pictured making him look like an idiot so often that when the new year rolled around I had lost all fear of him. When he threatened me I pictured pushing him backwards into a pile of dog dung and laughed. He was the first to tell me he was going to "Wipe that smile off your face." and, "You'll smile out the other side of your mouth when I'm done." I've heard them often since then.

My lack of fear had an effect on him and instead of hitting me he spit on me and walked away. He never bothered me again, but I laughed when he spit on me and this had an unfortunate effect: Even my friends did not want to associate with me after that and teachers looked at me askance. For some reason the idea that someone could laugh when being spit on struck everyone as being a bit too far to the left of abnormality.

I still know my mother died, but now I can't think of it without thinking of the time I was crying and she held me tight to her telling me "everything is going to be okay." And I believed her because she said it.

 

[Nika]

I'll try out your technique for some of my memories, Berry. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

[Hear Again]

Aw I'm sorry. It's really tough when cultural expectations clash with the healing process. <sad> I know some belief systems expect you to reach forgiveness (I know Catholicism is one of these), but I don't think that that should be a required part of the healing process at all. I have seen it get in the way of healing before. <sad>

neither do i. you're right -- catholicism does strongly encourage forgiveness. now that i think about it, i may have reached a certain level of forgiveness when i was a practicing catholic, but that went out the window completely when i stopped going to church at age 18. for the past 4 years, i've been attending a non denominational church. they also emphasize forgiveness, but not to the extent that catholicism does.

 

[Hear Again]

It is not an over night thing, you don't just do it one time and have it take effect -- Nor do you actually "replace" reality with fantasy. You always know what really happened.

Also it is (imho) more of an emotional overlay than a mental overlay.

I can give an example, once again from my childhood.

The last month of school the local bully had harassed me to the point of pure terror. Over the summer I pictured making him look like an idiot so often that when the new year rolled around I had lost all fear of him. When he threatened me I pictured pushing him backwards into a pile of dog dung and laughed. He was the first to tell me he was going to "Wipe that smile off your face." and, "You'll smile out the other side of your mouth when I'm done." I've heard them often since then.

My lack of fear had an effect on him and instead of hitting me he spit on me and walked away. He never bothered me again, but I laughed when he spit on me and this had an unfortunate effect: Even my friends did not want to associate with me after that and teachers looked at me askance. For some reason the idea that someone could laugh when being spit on struck everyone as being a bit too far to the left of abnormality.

I still know my mother died, but now I can't think of it without thinking of the time I was crying and she held me tight to her telling me "everything is going to be okay." And I believed her because she said it.

i can't do that for the people who traumatized me. i also can't think of myself laughing at them because the things they did to me were so deplorable. then again, perhaps i'm missing the point behind your post...i dont know.

as for things happening overnight, of course i don't expect that. after all, rome wasn't built in a day.

 

[Berry]

I'll try out your technique for some of my memories, Berry. Thanks for the suggestion.

.

I would start on a little memory, one that is less emotional, so you can have a success to build on when you tackle tougher ones.

And once again I think this tiny little book may help. It was written in 1902 by a man who took Proverbs chapter 23 verse 7 and ran with it. The entire text is free online at this site. As A Man Thinketh by James Allen

I wish you the best the world has to offer.

 

[Oceanbreeze]

I know the advice in this thread by some is probably meant to give comfort to those of us who suffer from trauma issues and PTSD, but I would hesitate to give such advice. We all seem to be in various stages of healing from things, and any therapeutic techniques used for grounding or trauma processing should be tought by a licensed therapist ONLY. I would never encourage someone to process a traumatic event without the help of a trained therapist because you could do great harm to that person.

Please be extremely careful about the advice you receive over the internet. These disorders are serious and you can actually do more harm then good if you don't know what you're doing.

To those looking for help: I would suggest asking your therapist for information regarding support groups. These groups are better because they can be moderated by a therapist who is trained to keep the group on track and ensure that it doesn't veer to something dangerous or unhealthy.

 

[jillio]

I want to eliminate the control he has over other children. The one thing keeping me from moving on is knowing that he is still doing the same things to kids today that he did to me a number of years ago. That kills me. I have tried to report him on several occasions, but it proved futile.

If I write him a letter I want to suggest to him to go into another line of work -- preferably one that doesn't involve children.

But you don't really have the power to do that. By attempting to control him, you are only giving him continued control over you. If you have done what you can do to report his behavior, then you have done all you can do. It is in someone else's hands. You gave it to them when you reported him.

As much as it bothers you to know that there is a possibility that he is abusing other children, you must e concerned with healing yourself before you can begin to help anyone else. You need to deal with your issues regarding this situation and then you will be able to move on. You are permitting him to control that right now by giving him that power.

Perhaps it would be more therapuetic to write your letter, and to concentrate on what he did to you and how it made you feel, rather than writing a letter attempting to change his behavior. That is the purpose of the exercise. To say what you need to say to him about you. If the purpse of your letter is to advise him how he needs to change, then it is probably not time for you to write that letter. The focus needs to be on you, not on him. He isn't the one suffering. You are.