question about nightmare..

[Phillips]

Dream Analyzer - link

I was able to interpret my dreams and Liza got me involved in reading more about my dreams. It was really interesting how some objects in our dreams can be interpreted into real-life situations.

For example if you dream of a flying fish - this can be interpreted as a situation/person in your real life that is in harm's way OR someone in your life that is cold/distant.

Really interesting, eh?

In this book, (I'll need to get the title and author) it also teaches about resting the body before bed with natural herbs such as lavender which I really recommend! It is naturally soothing. Bathtime should be a ritual and not hurried. Some food can be known to trigger nightmares and I avoid eating spicy & heavy food a few hours before bedtime.

Cheese... drools... I avoid that as well as it is my nightmare trigger.

Very interesting

 

[Hear Again]

Yup. I'm a classic case in the mental health world. <laughs>

same here, thanks to my diagnosis of bipolar and ptsd. lucky me. <giggle>

 

[Hear Again]

Psychologists can diagnose everything psychiatrists can -- they just can't prescribe meds for it. <smile>

for some reason i thought ptsd was different. then again, my tdoc *was* the one who changed my diagnosis from schizoaffective disorder to bipolar I with rapid cycling. then my psychiatrist changed it yet again (and my tdoc agrees with this) to atypical bipolar I with rapid cycling.

 

[Hear Again]

That's dot on. I was just mentioning one of the many common differences between PTSD and C-PTSD to show why a distinction is made. Another example is that C-PTSD folks tend to have much stronger dissociative techniques. In fact in severe cases of C-PTSD with dissociation, someone can even developed DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is the new term for MPD -- Multiple Personality Disorder.)

i also have problems with dissociation, but my tdoc never mentioned anything to me about having DID even though he considers my c-ptsd to be severe.

That's excellent that you' talk to your boyfriend about your flashbacks and nightmares. And I think it's also a great idea to have him join you in therapy. PTSD is one of those things where it "leaks" into the family -- there have been cases of second-hand PTSD, where family members develop symptoms because of their family member with PTSD.

yes, i've heard of second-hand ptsd which is part of the reason why i think it's a good idea for my boyfriend to attend therapy with me.

That sounds great what you're doing Hear Again. I'm so happy you finally discovered your diagnosis. Please only do as much and go as detailed as you feel comfortable, because otherwise you risk retraumatizing yourself, and reliving the trauma instead of processing it. Trauma is often compartmentalized in memory and can be "accessed" through dissociation or being triggered. The difference between reliving trauma and processing it is that in the former case you just dissociate and go into the part of your memory where the trauma is stored whereas in the latter case, the memories literally integrate into your regular memory. Processing a flashback is done by staying in the present while you talk through a memory and doing so in a place where you feel safe.

fortunately, i think my tdoc understands that i need to take this process very slowly. he has already told me he won't conduct any ptsd exercises unless i'm ready to perform them. one of my greatest fears is experiencing flashbacks during them which is why i'm going to ask my tdoc if i can write instead of talk since i'm afraid of too much anger and hurt coming through if i talk. having said that, i am proud of myself for something i did last night. since i couldn't sleep, i wrote a letter to one of the persons responsible for one of my 4 traumas. the letter was 4 pages long and it felt good being able to release my feelings of hurt, anger, shame and guilt. today's project is to write a letter to the 2 other people responsible for the traumas they've caused. "trauma." notice how i haven't been able to type that word until now and have used the word "situation" instead? perhaps that's a step in the right direction.

 

[Hear Again]

And Nika too, <laugh>. I'm glad you're 100% med compliant because that offers a new level of trust your therapists can have for you. I've noticed lots of therapists fall into the treating a patient like a child routine when they see the non-med compliant patient because they see the patient as a rebellious teenager of some sort.

my pdoc is also wonderful about this. at our last appointment we were talking about the fact that i've stopped taking my meds a handful of times. when he asked me why i did this, i told him it was because i felt "normal" or extremely happy which made me think i didn't have bipolar and needed my meds. now i obviously know differently. he said he understood why i did that and said it's not uncommon for alot of people with bipolar to stop taking their meds when they feel this way.

i can't guarantee there will ever be a time where i'll keep taking my meds, so it helps to take things one day at a time. by the way, one of the reasons why i ended up hospitalized recently was because the pdoc who filled in for my old pdoc gave me the wrong prescription. i didn't know it though because the mood stabilizer he prescribed was the same one i took, but in a different form and potency (i.e. the number of milligrams he prescribed was significantly less than what i was supposed to be taking). i remember one of the nurses at the hospital saying to another nurse, "she hasn't taken her meds for 2 weeks" like it was my fault for being manic. <very mad> it wasn't until the attending pdoc looked at my chart and prescription history that he noticed the discrepancy and told me it *wasn't* my fault for being manic. he also said (like my pdoc and tdoc) that rapid cycling is very difficult to treat (especially ultradian rapid cycling), so it's no wonder i've been having problems with mania for several weeks.

 

[jillio]

Yep! I've a friend who did this - it's a side effect of a form of sleeping called Polyphasic sleep.

What the individual does is take broken down naps that usually aren't any longer than half an hour at most, and do this at a course of several times a day until they meet their desired amount.

What happens, as jillio stated, is that the REM (rapid eye movement) stage in your sleep is what causes you to have dreams -- but if you were to wake up prior to the REM stage in sleep, you would never have had a dream at all - some people experience a full night's rest in a pre-REM nap, in just 15 minutes.

When you wake up during the REM process, if you did not get enough sleep, often you'll feel tired or grumpy/ go back to bed etc.

One side effect of polyphasic sleeping is no REM obviously, so no dreams. The positive is that this schedule can accommodate someone who is on a very tight agenda everyday.
But my friend who did this, said sometime he experienced white flashes in his eyes like they were burning.


Anyways back to sleep discussion.. Often times I notice I die a lot in my dreams, just about every dream I die in, probably a 1 in 4 dreams it happens - I am always alive but dead in my dream. I continue to observe the scene in third person until the remainder of the dream, or appear somewhere else alive again in a different situation.

I honestly wonder what's going on.

Now you are talking about a sleep disorder. To not experience REM sleep is actually quite destructive to the body and the mind. That is why it is a disorder, just as narcolepsy is a disorder.

 

[Nika]

same here, thanks to my diagnosis of bipolar and ptsd. lucky me. <giggle>

Sometimes it's nice to be a classic case cause doctors miss less when you're a classic case cause when they assume x y and z, x y and z happen to be true.

I'm far from a classic case to my eye doctors which led to a lot of problems. It sounds like you are juggling a lot of mental issues which is why your doctors have changed your diagnoses so many times. In the end they are labels -- and like most labels they're liberating in the beginning and limiting in the end. E.g. it's liberating to know you have PTSD, and then now that you have a word for it, you can research it and meet other folks with PSTD. But then you start to realize this and that about you is different from other folks, and then all the sudden the word PTSD can be limiting because it doesn't explain why you have this and that. Hope that makes sense.

 

[Jiro]

Now you are talking about a sleep disorder. To not experience REM sleep is actually quite destructive to the body and the mind. That is why it is a disorder, just as narcolepsy is a disorder.

oh? destructive to body and mind? is it cuz by not experiencing REM sleep.... your body/brain will work itself to death without a break?

 

[jillio]

oh? destructive to body and mind? is it cuz by not experiencing REM sleep.... your body/brain will work itself to death without a break?

Yes. REM sleep is the deepest period of sleep and the one that allows the body and the brain to rest and renew itself. To not experience REM is to actually have a form of sleep deprivation.

 

[Nika]

i am proud of myself for something i did last night. since i couldn't sleep, i wrote a letter to one of the persons responsible for one of my 4 traumas. the letter was 4 pages long and it felt good being able to release my feelings of hurt, anger, shame and guilt. today's project is to write a letter to the 2 other people responsible for the traumas they've caused. "trauma." notice how i haven't been able to type that word until now and have used the word "situation" instead? perhaps that's a step in the right direction.

That is great, Hear Again! That is a huge step in the right direction! I've noticed the same. It's easier for me to write about something because words on a page are easier to handle than the spoken word, with emotions and tone of voice. In fact, in therapy sometimes I sign to my therapist (she worked at Gallaudet for about 20 years so she's fluent in ASL) because using a language I only learned a year ago sometimes gives me just the distance I need to deal with the trauma.

That is a great sign that you typed the word trauma. I'm sorry if I triggered you by writing it all those other times. Please let me know if any words or expressions or ways I come across trigger you. I can totally relate because for the longest time I couldn't stand to hear or write the word "rape" and the fact that I can now shows I have come some way. I'm really proud of you for writing those letters!

 

[Nika]

it wasn't until the attending pdoc looked at my chart and prescription history that he noticed the discrepancy and told me it *wasn't* my fault for being manic. he also said (like my pdoc and tdoc) that rapid cycling is very difficult to treat (especially ultradian rapid cycling), so it's no wonder i've been having problems with mania for several weeks.

That is so awful, Hear Again. <sad> It really frustrates me in the medical system that doctors always assume first that it's your fault, that it's something you did. <very sad> I'm glad they at least figured it out. Have they put you back on the right form of your meds? Are you back on track? (Your post times have seemed a bit less three-o'clock-in-the-morning-ish but that might just be my imagination.)

 

[Hear Again]

Sometimes it's nice to be a classic case cause doctors miss less when you're a classic case cause when they assume x y and z, x y and z happen to be true.

I'm far from a classic case to my eye doctors which led to a lot of problems. It sounds like you are juggling a lot of mental issues which is why your doctors have changed your diagnoses so many times. In the end they are labels -- and like most labels they're liberating in the beginning and limiting in the end. E.g. it's liberating to know you have PTSD, and then now that you have a word for it, you can research it and meet other folks with PSTD. But then you start to realize this and that about you is different from other folks, and then all the sudden the word PTSD can be limiting because it doesn't explain why you have this and that. Hope that makes sense.

i'm a classic case in the sense of being diagnosed as bipolar and ptsd, but not when it comes to my atypical bipolar. my pdoc told me atypical bipolar is purely academic (meaning that alot of pdocs like to look at people like myself who have it and learn more about what makes us tick) and doesn't fall under the "standard" umbrella for bipolar disorder given the fact that it consists of psychotic symptoms and/or rapid cycling (which i both experience).

i know what you mean about labels. when my tdoc told me i had ptsd (and this also holds true for my bipolar diagnosis), i finally felt some degree of relief knowing why certain things were happening to me, but at the same time, i couldn't help but feel like a mental defect. (i hope that doesn't offend anyone, but it's really how i felt) sometimes i still feel that way.

 

[Nika]

Now you are talking about a sleep disorder. To not experience REM sleep is actually quite destructive to the body and the mind. That is why it is a disorder, just as narcolepsy is a disorder.

I went a few years with almost no REM sleep, because my REM stages were replaced 100% by flashbacks. I definitely agree it was very destructive to my body and mind!

 

[Hear Again]

That is so awful, Hear Again. <sad> It really frustrates me in the medical system that doctors always assume first that it's your fault, that it's something you did. <very sad> I'm glad they at least figured it out. Have they put you back on the right form of your meds? Are you back on track? (Your post times have seemed a bit less three-o'clock-in-the-morning-ish but that might just be my imagination.)

yes. my new pdoc put me on a new form of the same mood stabilizer i've always been taking that equates to the old dose i was on. the only difference between the old form of the med and what i take now is the fact that it comes in sprinkles instead of pills. the attending pdoc and nurses at the hospital noticed that i was having a very difficult time swallowing the pills, so the pdoc changed my prescription from pills to sprinkles. so far, that has worked out extremely well for me. the only thing i don't like about the sprinkle form is that i always need to carry pudding or applesauce with me when i travel in order to take them. i also have difficulty with my hands due to my severe cts which can make removing the powder inside the pill challenging. however, given how much easier sprinkle form is for me to take, those are things that i can accept. as for how i'm doing, my tdoc and pdoc both think i'm still manic now. my pdoc told me i won't be stabilized until my antidepressant starts to kick in (which won't be for another 6-8 weeks). if the antidepressant doesn't work, he'd like to add a small dose of lithium and increase one of my mood stabilizers as well. i didn't recognize the fact that i've been manic lately. my tdoc had to point that out to me when i saw him this week. although i have very good insight when it comes to my bipolar, sometimes i don't recognize when i'm manic. i didn't get any sleep last night. i've been wide awake and admit that i am rapid cycling again. however, i'm hopeful that if i can just hang in there for another 2 months or so, i should start to see some relief.

 

[Hear Again]

I went a few years with almost no REM sleep, because my REM stages were replaced 100% by flashbacks. I definitely agree it was very destructive to my body and mind!

nika,

did you experience auditory hallucinations as a result? when i had over a week's worth of sleep deprivation during my last manic/psychotic episode, it caused such severe auditory hallucinations that i heard up to 20 different voices. (now whenever i'm hallucinating, i only hear 4.)

 

[Hear Again]

That is great, Hear Again! That is a huge step in the right direction! I've noticed the same. It's easier for me to write about something because words on a page are easier to handle than the spoken word, with emotions and tone of voice. In fact, in therapy sometimes I sign to my therapist (she worked at Gallaudet for about 20 years so she's fluent in ASL) because using a language I only learned a year ago sometimes gives me just the distance I need to deal with the trauma.

That is a great sign that you typed the word trauma. I'm sorry if I triggered you by writing it all those other times. Please let me know if any words or expressions or ways I come across trigger you. I can totally relate because for the longest time I couldn't stand to hear or write the word "rape" and the fact that I can now shows I have come some way. I'm really proud of you for writing those letters!

thanks, nika! <hugs> even though i'm able to write the word "trauma" now, i can't write 2 of the words associated with two separate traumatic events i experienced. i don't know if that's a form of denial or not, but i don't want to see either of those words on paper. in fact, when i wrote that letter, i deliberately omitted words having to do with what that person did to me. i guess i'm not ready to type them yet, but perhaps that will come in time.

 

[Hear Again]

It sounds like you are juggling a lot of mental issues which is why your doctors have changed your diagnoses so many times.

yes, i am. i'm currently dealing with bipolar, auditory hallucinations, 7 different types of paranoia, delusions and ptsd. what complicates things is that my auditory hallucinations can be the result of being manic, off of my meds or experiencing a flashback. my paranoia is also problematic since it's something i struggle with whether i'm on meds or not. when i look back at my original diagnosis from the early 90s, i can understand why i was diagnosed with mdd (major depressive disorder) and later, schizoaffective disorder. as for the latter, since my primary symptoms don't center around psychosis but a mood disorder instead, that's what prompted my tdoc to change my diagnosis from schizoaffective disorder to bipolar I with rapid cycling. from there, my pdoc changed it yet again to atypical bipolar I with rapid cycling given the fact that i rapid cycle and experience paranoia, delusions and auditory hallucinations. the last time i saw my pdoc i jokingly told him that i was probably one of his more "mentally interesting" patients which he chuckled at. <laugh>

 

[Hear Again]

Do you re-enact any of your flashbacks or do you tend to observe them?

nika,

can you explain what you mean by this question? if i understand what you are asking, when i experience a flashback, it's as if i am in the same 4 traumatic situations all over again. i can hear the voices of people responsible for causing my traumas and smell scents that remind me of the things that happened. sometimes though when my boyfriend touches me i visually see him and myself in a flashback where he is doing or saying the same things that were done/said to me by 2 other people. i'm going to admit something to you. in one of the events that happened to me, my life was threatened, so whenever i experience a flashback regarding that particular trauma i literally freeze, can't move and feel like i have to escape from wherever it is that i am at the time.

 

[Nika]

Hear Again, do you mind if we continue our discussion in PM or email?

 

[Oceanbreeze]

exactly. do you tense up or freeze whenever people touch you? i do.

I do. I also don't like it when people come up behind me. I have been known to hurt people (unintentionally) because they startled me and I reacted from fear. I'm sighted, btw. I prefer to see people coming towards me. I also sometimes wish I had eyes in the back of my head, but ofc, I do not.

*sigh* That's just one of my triggers. I flip out if someone comes up behind me and tries to touch me.