It sounds like you do have a very long road ahead of you. But you are also a very strong person, something I picked up about you immediately. I know you'll be able to make it. The best way is also to have support, to have people you can talk to. I work for a human rights foundation and some of the folks that have been exposed to 10 years of in-prison torture and rape manage to heal with friends, without psychiatric treatment. I think the most important (sorry to sound so new-agey) is to be surrounded by love because as my signature says, love is healing and healing is love.
question about nightmare..
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It sounds like you do have a very long road ahead of you. But you are also a very strong person, something I picked up about you immediately. I know you'll be able to make it. The best way is also to have support, to have people you can talk to. I work for a human rights foundation and some of the folks that have been exposed to 10 years of in-prison torture and rape manage to heal with friends, without psychiatric treatment. I think the most important (sorry to sound so new-agey) is to be surrounded by love because as my signature says, love is healing and healing is love.
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nika,
you and i sound *so* alike. i experience panic attacks too, but they've never been treated before because i didn't know what could be done about them. i experience panic attacks on a daily basis depending on my triggers. i brought this up to my tdoc this week who suggested i mention it to my pdoc so i can be given a med to help. because of all the other meds i'm on, i'm not sure i want to add another. i'll probably mention it to my pdoc so he has a record of it, but that's all. i've had panic attacks for so long that i've simply learned to live with them.
Same here. Certain parts of my body are off-limits (and not just the parts that are deemed off-limits by society) for that exact reason.
I'm so sorry to hear that. <sad> One of the scariest things about panic attacks I think is the fact it actually feels like having a heart attack. And then I panic more over my heart-attack-like symptoms. Vicious cycle.
Do you experience a lot of anxiety in social situations? Are there certain words or sounds that set you off? Are their certain situations that set you off (e.g. being in an elevator or being in a room alone with your boss)?
You don't have to answer those here if you don't want but it can be helpful to keep track of those things so you can know when you're more likely to have a flashback and then use preventative measures to help avoid the flashback altogether.
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unfortuantely, i can't discuss the experiences i've been through with my family because i'm afraid they won't believe me or understand. so far, the only person i've talked to about this is my tdoc -- and that was only recently after having seen him for over a year and a half. my tdoc did say he was surprised i didn't mention one incident that happened to me until a few days ago, but told me it was understandable because the type of situation i was involved in tends to be very difficult for many people to talk about.
Aw that breaks my heart to hear. That makes it so much harder when your family doesn't believe you. My family doesn't believe me either, and I have to say living with them is a nightmare, when I come out of a flashback and can't even tell them anything.
How about your boyfriend? Is he supportive? Is he sensitive to your needs, e.g. your preference not to be touched in certain areas or to not be shouted at?
It's nice to talk to a therapist, although sometimes I have a hard time knowing that this person is listening to me cause I pay them. I don't know how comfortable you feel but you can always talk to me. Free, mutual, and not cause you're paying me $200/hour. <wink>
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no, i'm not anxious in social situations. in fact, i'm very comfortable. however, i am triggered by certain words, sounds, anger and tenseness in a person's voice as well as being touched. being in large crowds or in a room with another person make me nervous. for the past 2 years i always thought the latter was due to being manic (although i do get manic whenever i'm in large crowds or am exposed to alot of background noise), but my tdoc says it's due to my flashbacks as well.
i forgot to mention that there was another incident that happened to me when i was 9 (which i don't want to mention here) that is also responsible for my flashbacks and nightmares. i think this incident might have caused 2 of the 7 different types of paranoia i have.
I have those exact same triggers as you, although some social situations make me extremely anxious. (Not all, though. I'm okay with one-on-one and group situations as long as there are some people I know very well.)
I have had several things happen to me that are responsible for my PTSD and MDD. I almost feel like PTSD is the "gateway mental illness" the same way they talk about marijuana being the "gateway drug" because I have heard of so many people with mental illnesses that have a co-diagnosis of PTSD. It seems to be like a lot of folks that have unfortunate genetics are also traumatized and then there you have it, PTSD and whatever other mental illness(es).
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nika,
i'm sorry your family doesn't understand. that makes things so difficult and makes it hard to move forward, doesn't it?
i've never mentioned anything about the things that happened to me to my family.
my boyfriend is wonderful and understands the things that may set me off. we always take things slow and he always talks to me in a kind, gentle voice. fortunately, we've never shouted with each other. he isn't that kind of person. if we have a disagreement, we always discuss it in a calm manner. sometimes i do get upset (especially when i'm towards the end of a manic episode), but he understands that this is part of my bipolar and that i'm not doing it intentionally. whenever i'm in this kind of a "mood," i deliberately avoid people so as not to hurt their feelings.
i'm so fortunate to have a wonderful therapist who really listens. he told me this week that he suspected i had ptsd at my last appointment due to the symptoms i told him about. he's very perceptive as well which is evidence of the fact that he is truly concerned about me. he's a real gem.
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it's interesting you should mention that because yesterday i was doing some reading about ptsd and read several journals which said that depression is co-morbid with ptsd. (bipolar is as well.) when you think about it, that's not surprising given the fact that some people with ptsd experience depression, shame and guilt as a result of what happened to them.
It's definitely hard to move on when the people that are supposed to love you deny you. But you gotta do what you gotta do, so I am trying to move on from requiring their acceptance so I can heal independent of what they think.
I'm really glad to hear your boyfriend is perceptive. That sounds just like my relationship -- all communication is low or no sound.
It sounds like you really know your bipolar inside out. The fact that you take space when you're in a certain mood is amazing. First recognizing that you're in that mood, second being so selfless to ignore whether you're feeling particularly sociable or not and only thinking about whether you'll be sociable to others, and third is actually doing it and not just talking about it. That really is amazing because lots of people talk about how they can do this or that but when they get into a mood they can't even move enough to know how to get through the mood.
I'm also really happy to hear you found a good psychiatrist. A good therapist is crucial for going through intense things like this, especially since PTSD isn't just a genetic disease that can be cured with a pill that restores chemical balance in your brain. Since PTSD is the one mental illness that has environmental basis, it really matters that your therapist can help you reinterpret your environment and not just prescribe you happy pills.
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nika,
both my psychiatrist and therapist are amazed at the amount of insight i have regarding my bipolar. however, it wasn't always this way. it took me over a year to fully accept my diagnosis. talking to and sharing experiences with others who have bipolar has really helped. i've also been in situations where i learned my lesson after not taking my meds because i felt "normal" or extremely good. when that happened, it wasn't long before the mania, depression, auditory hallucinations, delusions and paranoia returned with a vengeance. after those handful of experiences, i'm now 100% med-compliant. will there ever be a time where i deliberately stop taking my meds? i can't answer that question because i don't know for sure. the only thing i can do is to take things one day at a time because if i don't, i become too overwhelmed. my tdoc told me that there are many people with bipolar who are completely unaware of the consequences of mania or their behavior. he told me i don't have that problem when i'm in a quote unquote "normal" mood. when i'm rapid cycling, manic or depressed it's a different story, but at least i do have insight during the times i feel relatively well. some people aren't even fortunate to have that much.
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my psychiatrist doesn't believe in prescribing meds unless they are really needed. my therapist is also the kind of person who won't diagnose someone willy-nilly. in fact, he's part of the reason i found out that i was misdiagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. if it weren't for him or my psychiatrist, i probably would have gone on being incorrectly diagnosed for years.
as far as ptsd is concerned, i didn't know it could be diagnosed by a therapist. i thought only psychiatrists were allowed to make this diagnosis, but i learned something new.
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exactly. do you tense up or freeze whenever people touch you? i do.
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from what i've read, people who are diagnosed with c-ptsd have experienced situations over the span of years while those who have ptsd experienced situations over the span of months.
i do have alot of great friends who are supportive of me. i haven't confided in any of them yet and don't know when i will be ready to. i've already talked to my boyfriend about this and he knows i'm just starting to address my flashbacks and nightmares in therapy. he's even thinking about attending some therapy sessions with me so he can learn some of the exercises i'm taught and use them at home.
Yup. I'm a classic case in the mental health world. <laughs>
That's excellent! My psychiatrist is exactly the same way and it has helped me tons. My body is extremely sensitive to medication of any kind because I had only taken medication a handful of times before I started on my antidepressants. When I explained this to her she immediately listened and changed my dosage to one quarter the usual for SSRI's. And it worked beautifully. I have had other doctors insist on the full dosage and because my body is so sensitive I usually end up passing out on the spot, so I'm glad she listened to me. It's really to have a psychiatrist who actually listens to you. I'm glad your psychiatrist corrected your schizoaffective disorder diagnosis. I agree that a lot of therapists diagnose too much too soon too easily.
Psychologists can diagnose everything psychiatrists can -- they just can't prescribe meds for it. <smile>
That's dot on. I was just mentioning one of the many common differences between PTSD and C-PTSD to show why a distinction is made. Another example is that C-PTSD folks tend to have much stronger dissociative techniques. In fact in severe cases of C-PTSD with dissociation, someone can even developed DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is the new term for MPD -- Multiple Personality Disorder.)
That's excellent that you' talk to your boyfriend about your flashbacks and nightmares. And I think it's also a great idea to have him join you in therapy. PTSD is one of those things where it "leaks" into the family -- there have been cases of second-hand PTSD, where family members develop symptoms because of their family member with PTSD.
That sounds great what you're doing Hear Again. I'm so happy you finally discovered your diagnosis. Please only do as much and go as detailed as you feel comfortable, because otherwise you risk retraumatizing yourself, and reliving the trauma instead of processing it. Trauma is often compartmentalized in memory and can be "accessed" through dissociation or being triggered. The difference between reliving trauma and processing it is that in the former case you just dissociate and go into the part of your memory where the trauma is stored whereas in the latter case, the memories literally integrate into your regular memory. Processing a flashback is done by staying in the present while you talk through a memory and doing so in a place where you feel safe.
And Nika too, <laugh>. I'm glad you're 100% med compliant because that offers a new level of trust your therapists can have for you. I've noticed lots of therapists fall into the treating a patient like a child routine when they see the non-med compliant patient because they see the patient as a rebellious teenager of some sort.
Yes. Also when people walk behind me -- I can feel them walking behind me (even on carpeted areas in a noisy environment where I can't say I heard them). Some of my bad experiences involved people coming up to me from behind and so when people do that now it sends me straight into flashback.
It's not as bad as it used to be. It used to be that if people touched me in certain areas, I would start yelling at someone in my flashback or crying, but now I usually watch the flashback silently, so I appear just frozen to the outside observer.
Do you re-enact any of your flashbacks or do you tend to observe them?