My boyfriend is becoming Deaf

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Southern

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Some of you may remember the thread i started last month about meeting this guy whose brother is Deaf and he knows sign. This is great for me since my best friend is Deaf and i am in the Deaf community all the time and really am in it more than the gay community. He told me that the same genetic thing that makes his brother Deaf is causing him to go Deaf. He found out from an audie 2 years ago. We were at a Deaf friend of mine's party this weekend and he saw a friend of his that he hasn't seen in years. When they were in school his friends hearing was going. Now, just 4 years after school, the friend is completely Deaf in one ear and 80% in the other. This guy can barely sign. When we were going back to my house after the party my boyfriend was very upset. He saw this guy and saw himself. One, he doesn't want to be Deaf and not be able to sign like a Deaf person and right now his signing isn't that great. Two, here is this guy who was totally in the hearing world now he is totally in the Deaf world but has very few Deaf friends and doesn't sign well, although he lip reads great. Both things scared him. Especially the trasition from the hearing world to the Deaf world. What will that mean for him? How will his life change? all of these things are unknowns and as humans we are scared of the unknown. My Deaf friends cannot really help him because they have been Deaf from birth and do not know what it is like to reach adult hood and become Deaf. The audie first told him in 10 years he will be Deaf, then it was 8 and now it is looking more like 5 years. He says he feels like a horrible person for being scared of something that my friends and his brother and some of his friends are. But those Deafies i have discussed this with i said, imagine you are told you are going blind. They said that is totally different. Not to a sighted hearing person. Loosing one is just as much as the other. So what we have started doing is signing a lot of our conversations. Helping him with his signing is important to me because that is something that will be so important in his life to come. I thought it was just good since i have so many Deaf friends, but really he will need this to live well.
 
Southern said:
What will that mean for him? How will his life change? l.
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I have been deaf since I was two years old, but from what I can understand he will be depressed for a while or maybe a long time. It depends on how he handles his pain. This is normal for someone who does not embrace the hearing loss fast enough. It is going to be very hard for him to adjust and accept what he had become. It is like if you found out that you lost both of your legs, can you imagine how hard that will be? I can see how hard that will be for me to embrace my loss legs.

Right now, you can offer him your help such as if he wants to get to know other deaf people. If he does not want to socalize with them or learn how to sign, thats fine. He will experience the feel of being lonely in the hearing world and it is going to be VERY hard for him. Maybe you can tell him about this forum and he will get many supports from the deaf community. Believe me I'm sure everyone will like to help or offer him a help if he needs it.
 
Well he knows how to sign a little, i am really helping him with that. It is a few years off yet although he wants me to go with him to his next apt with his audie because he becomes too emotional and doesn't remmy half of what is said. I told him it is natural to be scared and it is okay. And he has Deaf friends and loves the Deaf community, this is one of the things he says attracts him to me, although i am hearing i am in the Deaf community so much and have so many great Deaf friends. He said he is less scared having me as a boyfriend because he thinks i will make part of his transition into the Deaf world easier. Well as much as a hearie can anyway.
 
Southern said:
Well he knows how to sign a little, i am really helping him with that. It is a few years off yet although he wants me to go with him to his next apt with his audie because he becomes too emotional and doesn't remmy half of what is said. I told him it is natural to be scared and it is okay. And he has Deaf friends and loves the Deaf community, this is one of the things he says attracts him to me, although i am hearing i am in the Deaf community so much and have so many great Deaf friends. He said he is less scared having me as a boyfriend because he thinks i will make part of his transition into the Deaf world easier. Well as much as a hearie can anyway.
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He is very lucky to have u to be there to be supportive. I do not know what it is like to be hearing but I can only imagine how scary it would be. A lot of habits will have to be changed. It will take time to adjust even though he has connection to the deaf community.
 
Southern, as someone who went deaf at age 4, I have been told that I was feeling the same way your boyfriend is.. and I think you're doing a great thing helping him and being there for him.
It's hard for someone used to hearing everything to become deaf. All anyone can do is provide support, encouragement, and a shoulder to lean on. So you're doing a great thing by trying to help him. I hope he does join Alldeaf and become part of this community of deaf people who can provide support, encouragement, and help if he needs it.

My best to you and him.
 
The worst thing if the audiologist says that he is going to be deaf in 5 years. He would completely believe her. That would make him being deaf. Even, the same idea for being handicapped. I would rather for him to be farting than these scary transitions. uh, you know what I mean.
 
Deaf friends cannot really help him because they have been Deaf from birth and do not know what it is like to reach adult hood and become Deaf
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That's a wee bit inaccurate. Yes, there are a lot of prelingally Deaf folks, but there are some Deafies who started out hoh or even hearing, and ID as Deaf as well. You just gotta find them. Matter of fact, 20% of hoh kids will eventually become deaf.
 
My hearing is becoming worse, at least not at the moment, but over time it has decreased in volume.

My audie from childhood told me I would be able to retain my hearing status, then when I entered high school I was deaf in my left ear.

It's a very scary thing, especially since I love music, but even more that all my hearing friends know NO sign language whatsoever...

The support you're giving him is the best thing you can do... just be patient though...

I didn't really learn to sign until a year ago and my deaf friends in college helped me more... it just takes some time...
 
All you can do is be there for him and take it one day at a time. If he's having a rough time, comfort him, but at the same time you can't let him wallow in self-pity because if he does then my fear is that he will shut down completely.

I had a classmate from high school that was the class goof-off and she enjoyed life. She went off to college and joined a co-ed rugby team (yes RUGBY) and she was doing extremely well then her and her sister went to St. Louis with some friends and they were in a bad carwreck - the sister got out with barely a scratch and my classmate, a nursing major, ended up paralyzed from the waist down. She still has her legs but she no longer has use of them, this is what it is like for your friend. He still has his ears, he just no longer has use of them.

My classmate for a year stayed close to home and was much depressed then one day she realized that sitting there wallowing in self-pity was no way to spend the rest of her years, so she went to her computer and re-enrolled at ASU-Jonesboro to continue her nursing degree with an emphasis on instruction and she hopes to someday to do research on spinal cord injuries. Now she lives in Jonesboro with her younger sister in a nice apartment and many of her friends from there have been there for her accepting her the same way they did before the accident, this has helped her a great deal. Today she is the wild spunky girl I remember from high school.

Just being there for your friend and helping him get through those rough days can mean the difference between him continuing to learn ASL and shutting down completely in the communication department.

I'll keep your boyfriend in my thoughts and hope he can get through these rough times.
 
deafdyke said:
That's a wee bit inaccurate. Yes, there are a lot of prelingally Deaf folks, but there are some Deafies who started out hoh or even hearing, and ID as Deaf as well. You just gotta find them. Matter of fact, 20% of hoh kids will eventually become deaf.
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I said my Deaf friends, they are all prelingual or from birth they have never been hearing or have absolutely no memory of hearing. They have not experienced this so that is why i say they cannot help. I have one friend who became Deaf due to an illness when he was 6 years old, but he lives in CA so he can't provide too much help. I know of a woman that is in her early 50's and is going through the same thing. I have met her twice. But i don't know when i will see her again. She is learning sign now.
 
OMG so i was talking to him on my sk last night and he was saying his audie and his primary are both discouraging him from learning sign. AND his audie wants him to get CI. AND he feels she looks at Deafness as an illness, something to be fixed. I am supposed to go with him to his next apt to the audie next month. I have to ask him how he wants me to act, like myself or all quiet. If like myself, when she starts in on this crap i will give her an ear full!! Oh and he IS learning sign. He would have to to be my boyfriend i have too many Deaf friends for that not to happen. And he is becoming Deaf himself so it is needed. gggrrrrr when he told me that last night it ticked me off!!! We are going out tonight and will discuss it more over dinner. He had an apt yesterday with his primary and has an audie apt today. He won't tell me what they said until tonight because he wants to give me all the info at once.

He says he is not as scared anymore since he met me. Now he has some one to help him with sign and some one that has a connection to the Deaf community. His brother who is Deaf lives 5 hours away unfortunately.
 
That is good, he would not complain to hearing your snore while you sleep or orgasm during make love. :lol:
 
I was personally told to get a CI, but I was also forewarned that if I did, I'd have to relearn my speech and all that stuff, so I stuck with the hearing aids, and if I go completely deaf, I'll tell everyone, "LEARN SIGN OR NOTHING!"
 
Kalista said:
That is good, he would not complain to hearing your snore while you sleep or orgasm during make love. :lol:
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He likes the sounds i make during love making!! LOL as for the snoring he has never complained about that. Of course he falls asleep faster than me, he claims to only sleep well when in my arms. right! LOL HIS snoring on the other hand is a different matter! LOL
What has has started doing is every night (on the nights we are together) he lays his head on my chest so i can tell him good night. He wants to feel the vibrations. He can hear it just fine but when he becomes Deaf he said he wants to memorize what that feels like since he won't be able to hear it. And he said that if we are together for years and we are in love he won't be able to hear me say "i love you" So i put his hand on my heart and said can you feel the vibrations? (i have a very deep voice) he said yes. I said well you can feel it through your hand coming from my heart and read my lips and look in my eyes when that point comes.
We haven't been together long enough to be in love but i wanted to tell him how it would be done if/when we get to that point.
 
NC Tar Heel Guy said:
I was personally told to get a CI, but I was also forewarned that if I did, I'd have to relearn my speech and all that stuff, so I stuck with the hearing aids, and if I go completely deaf, I'll tell everyone, "LEARN SIGN OR NOTHING!"
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During his mapping sessions yes! I will tell him this as well! Good info!
 
Southern said:
During his mapping sessions yes! I will tell him this as well! Good info!
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No problem!

Also, something I heard from my interpreter in college, there's like so many dB a normal person has, however, a hearing aid actually has more coverage than a CI.

So even if he does go for the CI, just inform him that he won't hear anything like he did with a hearing aid or without...

Plus, I hear that interference is awful with a CI... A hearing aid can block it, a CI has trouble, especially if it's radio-based.
 
Quick update I will write more later. This second female audie asked my boyfriend if he is married or anything he said actually I am gay. She said oh okay. He said yeah my boyfriend's best friend is Deaf and he has a lot of Deaf friends. She said, "oh... Well you need to realize this is your life. He is going to be biased and you shouldn't really listen to him in this" WTF??? This BITCH told him not to listen to me because my friends are Deaf, because I would encourage him to learn sign and, "I just don't want you to be limited" LIMITED????? Aaaaahhhhhh that F U C K I N G...... Gggggrrrrr ASL is NOT a limitation if anything it opens more to you. How dare she! She is so lucky I was not in that room!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Southern said:
Quick update I will write more later. This second female audie asked my boyfriend if he is married or anything he said actually I am gay. She said oh okay. He said yeah my boyfriend's best friend is Deaf and he has a lot of Deaf friends. She said, "oh... Well you need to realize this is your life. He is going to be biased and you shouldn't really listen to him in this" WTF??? This BITCH told him not to listen to me because my friends are Deaf, because I would encourage him to learn sign and, "I just don't want you to be limited" LIMITED????? Aaaaahhhhhh that F U C K I N G...... Gggggrrrrr ASL is NOT a limitation if anything it opens more to you. How dare she! She is so lucky I was not in that room!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I am not surprised...this is the attidude I got from all the audioligists and oral specialists growing up. That's why I have a HUGE distrust in them. Fuck them. They r a disgrace to the deaf community.
 
I would take your BF and march right back to that Audie and give her a verbal lashing. ASL is pretty much a necessity for the deaf, although many deafies were mainstreamed and/or educated orally so they lip read. But once you are fluent in sign it is a helluva lot easier than lip reading, and I am quickly learning this myself. Is there a way for your BF to switch Audies since he feels he is getting sub-par care?? I would consider looking into it. My audie for the most part is nice but she is like me, HOH and mainstreamed and I have no idea if she knows sign.

How can she consider you biased? Your hearing and you happen to have close ties to the Deaf community and you like it. She on the other hand may have little to no ties to the Deaf community socially.

I have no information on CI's since I have never really looked into them and to me they seem burdensome - for one I'm not sure I would want this big magnet stuck to the back of my head that can pick up alot of intereference and cause me to possibly have headaches. But that is my opinion without knowing much about them.

Go back to that audie, giver he a verbal lashing, have your BF demand copies of his records and try to find a new audie that he feels that he can trust.
 
While I was growing up I had the same problem, however, when I moved to West Virginia, I found an audie who was married to a deaf woman who encouraged sign language. :)

I was lucky to have a good audie like him.
 
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