Making small talk with hearing strangers

[KristinaB]

Or maybe she likes to jump in and pick on whoever it is popular to pick on at the moment whether what she says is logical or true or not.

If this is about me, you are a little off, no, totally off base. I do not pick on whoever is popular at the moment.

I was taught to be open and honest as well as very friendly. I have been accused of being too trusting. I don't like not being able to have a "chat" with someone, or even educating someone else about some things. What I have a problem with, is explaining the same thing to the same person multiple times.

 

[KristinaB]

That's what I mean. If you are nodding and pretending to understand, you are ignoring the person too, just not being open about it.

Seems to me, the nod and such, comes AFTER we tell them we are deaf and can't hear.

 

[KristinaB]

so, that means, giving up my weekly library runs, the trips to the grocery store, regular trips to the bank, trips to the gardens or the park. No, I will not stop, just because I have to explain myself, I will just choose not to explain what my needs are. The things I do over and over and over, are my regular chores and errands. We should not have to stop our regular needs just to be comfortable.

That's dumb. I do all these things without talking to people.

What works for you doesnt work for others. Maybe she has a friendly personality and maybe is not comfortable snubbing people? Maybe you are.

Or maybe she likes to jump in and pick on whoever it is popular to pick on at the moment whether what she says is logical or true or not.

She means I'm the whipping boy. I'm hearing and dare to disagree so everyone jumps on board and tries to crucify me. It's ok, I can take it

This whole line of threads, was basically about the first quote. Botti was referring to me, not FJ. Don't understand that at all.

 

[Bottesini]

We don't get mad at the people, we just get tired of always having to explain that we can't hear. And then when we do tell them, they either don't believe us, or they just continue on like we didn't say anything.

Gee, if it was a rant against hearing people, then who do we live with? Your hubby and son are hearing, my whole family is hearing. Geez!!

A lot of times people will talk continuously and not give you the time to interrupt to let them know. Also, if it's someone we know, why should we have to tell them every time we see them that we are deaf and can't hear? They should learn at some point.

Right - I did know that and yes, I have felt very guilty for it as well.

I tried explaining to a library worker this morning that I was deaf and would not benefit from a book on tape. (That's the only copy they have of a book I was looking for). He said there was no way that I was deaf, since I could speak and that even if I was deaf, that I wasn't deaf enough to benefit from a book on tape.

Now, I had explained that I was only 4 years total deaf and that I don't hear a thing, he says, "That's no excuse! You can't call yourself deaf if you can talk."

This was a man who sees me every week in the library and has seen my kids do basic sign with me. He has seen other people I know in the library do basic sign with me. He should know and understand.

The admin and I have already been round and round about this situation regarding others. She contacted the local Deaf Service Center and the Lighthouse for the Blind for some in-service meetings for her staff regarding people with any degree of hearing loss and vision loss and how to best serve them. This particular man went through the training twice. He was informed about today's visit and was called to the back after it. The administrator witnessed the whole exchange.

I'm not sure exactly what is taught in the classes, but I do know that they are instructed on how to get the person's attention politely. They are also taught to not belittle the person and to empathize with them. They are also instructed to provide pen and paper when needed. I know in this library, they have all also been taught basic signs, but I'm not sure how many retain the information.

I was called by the library today. They have now made a notation on my account in their files that I am deaf and that my children are HOH. They are planning on doing that for every patron. The system will now ask if you have any haring difficulties or vision difficulties that they need to be aware of. This way, when they check you out and scan your library card, they can see on the screen and be prepared.

Having been on both side of the fence, so to speak. When I was hearing, there were a LOT of annoying sounds and such. Even with my hearing loss, when I had no HA's, the noise was annoying. The loud squeal of the brakes on a train. The roar of an airplane overhead. The jack-hammers. Children screeching in the store because mom or dad didn't let them get that peice of candy. The list goes on and on. FJ, I'm sure you just what I am talking about. Then, when you are also hearing, there are those people who will come up to have a talk and they have this god-awful sound to their voice that is like the fingernails to a blackboard. You wish you could shut them off at times.

As annoying as these sounds are, we deal with them and are happy with our life and pleased to be called hearing.

So, as a somewhat recent deaf person, there are a lot of annoyances for me as a deaf person. That doesn't make me not to be proud of being deaf. It is who I am now. Personally, I like being deaf a whole heck of a lot more than I liked being hearing (somewhat) before I lost it. We like who we are, we just get annoyed sometimes about certain situations that come up in life.

So there's no real answer to your question. Maybe the only way you will understand, is to become deaf and be put into our shoes. Then you can know what it is like. Having Ms. Kat go through this will only let her know what it can be like. She can tell you just like we can tell you what it's like, but you will never truly understand until "you have walked a mile in our shoes."

I don't think it was an epic fail. Just that some people took it over for their own purpose and others just don't feel comfortable sharing their life experiences. I still learned some things that I did not know, so that tells me that it was not an epic fail. Thank you for starting this thread and I am sorry that it got derailed by people for their own purposes.

Again, you still do not understand our POV. Shel was not speaking about you specifically. There are a few others here on AD that are of the same mindset as you. We are not denouncing your views for your daughter. In fact, I think most of us, myself included, applaud your efforts with your daughter. For some of us, that road is unattainable, most especially, the late deafened, or those of us how were hoh as a child and it got worse as time goes on. For me, I usually had no problems with people growing up since my hearing was not real bad. As I got older, the hearing got worse and worse, and daily interaction became harder and harder. Now, I have absolutely no hearing and HA's and CI's will not help. So, I am at a loss. I try to explain to people, they don't accommodate or try. I have family who will not try to learn ASL. This includes my husband, mother, 2 children and brothers. They find it too hard and not what they want. Therefore, it's hard for me. In public, the hearing community is so into the "be like us or don't try to associate with us" mentality, that it's easier to just "nod, bob, and play-act" just to get through. Miss Kat and you have to advantage that she learned ASL early and she has enough residual hearing to be able to work with a CI or 2.

With the advancement of the ADA laws and such, you would think that the general public as a whole, would understand our POV and try to work with us. I'm not saying a total "we will have to learn ASL/BSL/whatever, just so we can communicate. All we want is for people to try to understand what we as deaf and HOH people go through and try to help in small ways. It's hard to explain, but mostly.... We are people too!!

Nobody is saying (that I know of) that you messed up with your child. Yes, you did right, by your beliefs, for her and she may well thank you in the end. But, there are a lot of us, who didn't have that choice when we were younger or little. There are also some of us, Shel and myself anyway, that were not given any opportunity to learn ASL or anything other than being given our HA's. I think, it's people like that that have a harder time. Shel and others were lucky in the fact that they were able to go out and learn ASL and go to college and move on from there. I truly never knew about ASL until about 6-8 years ago. By then, I was married and had 2 children in the house. There was no time for me to go to school much less the money to do so. Because I am still verbal and have mostly perfect speech, the general public does not believe that I am deaf. I can't whip out a hearing aid to show them. I don't have a CI to prove the issue, they only have me at my word, and in my community, people are too much into the "ME" status, that they could care less about anybody else and therefore, they should not have to deal with it. No they don't have to deal with it like I do, but they should be more aware and not make a person "prove" their deafness or whatever. It's like the constant case of people who have handicapped parking when they look like nothing could be wrong with them at all. Should they have to prove to the other person in a wheelchair they they have a right to the handicapped spot? No. the proof was already satisfied when they were approved to get that hanging placard or license plate to allow them to park there.

Sorry I am on a soapbox today, but I felt these things needed to be said.

You're right. I didn't think of that.

This thread was about was it right for her or any of us, to feel guilty about having no time to let the person know that she couldn't understand. Was she right to feel guilty for not having explained it to this one person. Are any of us (deaf people) faced with the same type of dilemma? The thread was NOT intended to bash each other's opinions on getting along with the hearing community, or bashing each other about ASL vs Oral vs bibi. It was about the feeling we as deaf people or hob people feel about having to constantly explain ourselves. It was for the deaf and hoh community to help each other out, not for a hearing parent of a deaf child to come in and state that we are wrong for not wishing to explain ourselves EVERY SINGLE TIME.

That works, IF YOU KNOW SIGN!!!

I have done "I am deaf", but they say I can't be since I speak, have no HA's or CI. How would you respond to that?

I am so out of here. A supposedly educated person can't even understand plain and simple English. That's just not right. Something wrong with the education that person got.

so, that means, giving up my weekly library runs, the trips to the grocery store, regular trips to the bank, trips to the gardens or the park. No, I will not stop, just because I have to explain myself, I will just choose not to explain what my needs are. The things I do over and over and over, are my regular chores and errands. We should not have to stop our regular needs just to be comfortable.

I don't want to have to explain ALL THE TIME. Sometimes, I need a little break and be a private citizen, not a public display.

There are times when I am happy to explain, but geez, I need my time too, you know?

We have not all said that we don't tell people, we have said that we are tired of constantly people the same thing over and over. I never once said that I refused to let someone know, just that I was tired of telling the same people over and over.

If this is about me, you are a little off, no, totally off base. I do not pick on whoever is popular at the moment.

I was taught to be open and honest as well as very friendly. I have been accused of being too trusting. I don't like not being able to have a "chat" with someone, or even educating someone else about some things. What I have a problem with, is explaining the same thing to the same person multiple times.

Seems to me, the nod and such, comes AFTER we tell them we are deaf and can't hear.

This whole line of threads, was basically about the first quite. Botti was referring to me, not FJ. Don't understand that at all.

Pity you don't. It is an obvious pattern. Suck up to Shel, pick on Faire Jour.

 

[KristinaB]

Pity you don't. It is an obvious pattern. Suck up to Shel, pick on Faire Jour.

Not sure what your problem is today, but I'm thinking you are quite up to snuff.

I DO NOT suck up to Shel. I DO NOT always pick on FJ.

You, however, seem to have a problem 85-90% of the time and I'm not quite sure why. I have straightened out the one set of issues I had, but you still have it in for me.

 

[posts from hell]

Botts I refer you to All Deaf rules section 8 part A.

 

[faire_jour]

Botts I refer you to All Deaf rules section 8 part A.

What does that say???

 

[posts from hell]

What does that say???

excessive quoting is not accepted here at AD :P just messing around.

 

[Grummer]

i say to hearing strangers, that my ears dont work but my cock does

 

[shel90]

i say to hearing strangers, that my ears dont work but my cock does

Ohhhhhh...I could use that one except I dont have a cock. I really LIKE this one.

 

[Adamsmomma]

i say to hearing strangers, that my ears dont work but my cock does

Not quite something I wanna teach the kid to say yet but in 15-16yrs I hope I remember that!!

 

[Bottesini]

Botts I refer you to All Deaf rules section 8 part A.

What does that say???

excessive quoting is not accepted here at AD :P just messing around.

Ok , done with quoting.

 

[Grummer]

lol botts

 

[Bebonang]

All I said was that if you are unhappy with your interactions, change something about them. For each person, that something would be different (some people would ignore, others sign, others ask for accomidations). I just thought that doing nothing, and not understanding, and being unhappy about it wasn't good.

I have a feeling what Faire_Jour is trying to say that if we are unhappy with meeting strangers that we can not understand by lipreading and making speech with them. I think she would want us to go and have CI and still be able to communicate with the strangers and listen to them with no difficulty. She want every CI kids and adults to hear normally and to listen to hearing people.

I have to say that normally when a person was born deaf and a person who lose hearing like late deafend. It is definitely not a normal hearing even if a person have a CI. A hard of hearing or CI person can hear like normal hearing person which is totally not true. After a person lose his or her hearing, she or he can not bring the normal hearing back the way it was. I am trying to make FJ understand where we are coming from if she is not getting it. (sigh)

 

[Bottesini]

I have a feeling what Faire_Jour is trying to say that if we are unhappy with meeting strangers that we can not understand by lipreading and making speech with them. I think she would want us to go and have CI and still be able to communicate with the strangers and listen to them with no difficulty. She want every CI kids and adults to hear normally and to listen to hearing people.

I don't think that was what she said. My alternative of not talking to strangers is acceptable.

I think she really just said you don't need to do things that make you unhappy.

And I am in agreement with that. No CI, and never will have one, but I don't get the feeling that Faire Jour cares if I have one or not.

 

[KristinaB]

I think that not all people should have to get a HA or CI. There should be the freedom of individuality.

Heck, even if I wanted them, I can't get an HA or CI., Okay, let's rephrase that, it would be a waste of money on me, since they would not help me.

I do get what FJ is confused about, but I don't agree with everything she says.

AD has taught me a lot over the years. It has made me feel more accepted. There are a few who make me really wonder if this is the place for me, but since the majority are making me happy, I will not let the few run me off.

Shel- Thank you once again for this thread. I know it got derailed a lot, but at least there are quite a few of us who know and understand what you meant and we can honestly empathize with your situation since we have been there and still have those situations ourselves. Only those who have been in our "shoes" can truly know what we go through.

 

[Bebonang]

I think that not all people should have to get a HA or CI. There should be the freedom of individuality.

Heck, even if I wanted them, I can't get an HA or CI., Okay, let's rephrase that, it would be a waste of money on me, since they would not help me.

I do get what FJ is confused about, but I don't agree with everything she says.

AD has taught me a lot over the years. It has made me feel more accepted. There are a few who make me really wonder if this is the place for me, but since the majority are making me happy, I will not let the few run me off.

Shel- Thank you once again for this thread. I know it got derailed a lot, but at least there are quite a few of us who know and understand what you meant and we can honestly empathize with your situation since we have been there and still have those situations ourselves. Only those who have been in our "shoes" can truly know what we go through.

That is the best quote you have ever said. Right on!

 

[Bebonang]

I don't think that was what she said. My alternative of not talking to strangers is acceptable.

I think she really just said you don't need to do things that make you unhappy.

And I am in agreement with that. No CI, and never will have one, but I don't get the feeling that Faire Jour cares if I have one or not.

I agree with you with the bold statement. It just make me think that the hearing population seem to want to fix me and others to be hearing so that we don't have to suffer not being able to understand and not pretend that I understand by nodding and be nice to strangers. That was my thinking.

 

[Bottesini]

I agree with you with the bold statement. It just make us think that the hearing population seem to want to fix us to be hearing so that we don't have to suffer not being able to understand and not pretend that we understand by nodding and be nice to strangers. That was my thinking.

I think that is true of a lot of the population who does not even know any deaf people. So I do understand your thinking.

 

[rockin'robin]

I don't think that was what she said. My alternative of not talking to strangers is acceptable.

I think she really just said you don't need to do things that make you unhappy.

And I am in agreement with that. No CI, and never will have one, but I don't get the feeling that Faire Jour cares if I have one or not.

...You go, Botts! Right on the button!