I'm a hearie

Reba said:
Are you sure that you're his girlfriend (romantic relationship of two equals) and not his savior (rescuer of the weak and helpless)?

I'm sure that you mean well but you must be careful of your role in the relationship.
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He will never ask for an advocate or an interpreter because he doesn't think they will be an more effective than his family. He doesn't use traditional ASL and his family always knows whatever situation he is in. He works for their trucking company. Even legally he shouldn't be able to drive a semi but they've had the same family doctor for years and he has a medical examiners certificate. I have been to the ER with him before and they never raised the issue of an interpreter. I think if I asked he would tell me not to bother. He doesn't want to feel stupid when the interpreter realizes he doesn't know how to read or write and he might not know the signs she's using.
Of course I am a savior in this relationship. It has Codependent written all over it, especially now that his son has passed away. I am pretty sure our romantic relationship won't last now that this has happened. It makes me sad to think of it that way. Teaching him how to text message and use the internet might make a difference in his life. He is learning day by day more vocabulary.
He graduated in 1988 in Michigan. I know the interpreter "helped" him, at least by explaining what the text said, because how else could he have graduated with a second grade reading level? That, I don't understand.
 
jupitersnymph said:
He will never ask for an advocate or an interpreter because he doesn't think they will be an more effective than his family. He doesn't use traditional ASL and his family always knows whatever situation he is in.
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He can use a CDI (Certified Deaf Interpreter) in conjunction with an ASL interpreter. They know how to work with home signs and other methods of communication.

How does he communicate with you?

What will he do when his family is gone? They won't live forever.

If he didn't use "traditional" ASL, whatever that means, how did he understand his school terps?


He works for their trucking company. Even legally he shouldn't be able to drive a semi but they've had the same family doctor for years and he has a medical examiners certificate.
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I thought ME's were for dead people? :dunno:

I have been to the ER with him before and they never raised the issue of an interpreter.
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How did he communicate with the medical staff?

I think if I asked he would tell me not to bother. He doesn't want to feel stupid when the interpreter realizes he doesn't know how to read or write and he might not know the signs she's using.
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Believe me, a professional terp will not be judgmental or critical. You'd be surprised how common his situation is.

Besides, terps don't expect clients to impress them; that's not what interpreting is about.


Of course I am a savior in this relationship. It has Codependent written all over it, especially now that his son has passed away. I am pretty sure our romantic relationship won't last now that this has happened. It makes me sad to think of it that way. Teaching him how to text message and use the internet might make a difference in his life. He is learning day by day more vocabulary.
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:hmm:


He graduated in 1988 in Michigan. I know the interpreter "helped" him, at least by explaining what the text said, because how else could he have graduated with a second grade reading level? That, I don't understand.
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I don't think Michigan was using Bi-Bi or ASL at that time in the so-called mainstream schools (but I'm not sure). It's quite possible that he got a sub-standard education.

Did he actually graduate high school with a diploma or with an attendance/completion certificate? Some public high schools offer a certificate (which basically says the student did his time in school) for those who can't meet the academic requirements.
 
I am sensitive to his preferences but I don't always respect them.
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This is a problem. In a healthy relationship, each partner respects the other person's choices. One person cannot control another person in a healthy relationship. Grief is a very personal process and should be respected.
 
I think juipter has good intentions. But she is up against a family that seems to want the son to be controlled.
I came from family that was embarassed by me being deaf. But that was back when there was not as much deaf awareness. It was so bad back then that a friend of mine had parents who sent him to a mentally imparied school for years before someone figured out he was deaf. Jupiters family seems to be stuck in that time period.
Whatever, I still think the video that her bf himself made would be improved with a terp in the window. Give him the option of throwing the terp video out. Doubt he would
 
Reba said:
What will he do when his family is gone? They won't live forever.

If he didn't use "traditional" ASL, whatever that means, how did he understand his school terps?


How did he communicate with the medical staff?


I don't think Michigan was using Bi-Bi or ASL at that time in the so-called mainstream schools (but I'm not sure). It's quite possible that he got a sub-standard education.

Did he actually graduate high school with a diploma or with an attendance/completion certificate?
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He will always have his family. He has 3 siblings that feel the same way his parents do.
He communicated through me. I never claimed to be an interpreter. They never asked. I would consider "traditional" ASL to be signs that other people who know signs would understand. About half of his vocab is "homemade." We communicate using his mix of ASL and homemade. He actually has a diploma. His family should have put more time into his education. He didn't learn any kind of ASL until he was 9. His parents were told that he wouldn't learn how to speak or read lips if he learned signs.
 
Banjo said:
You are required to have a Medical Examiner Certificate if you want to obtain a CDL license.

It says so here....

Truck Driver Medical Card Requirements | eHow.com
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The medical examination is supposed to include a "forced whisper test" the driver should be able to hear and repeat a whisper from 5 ft or greater to be able to operate a commercial vehicle. Or be able to hear at least 40 decibels.
 
sallylou said:
This is a problem. In a healthy relationship, each partner respects the other person's choices. One person cannot control another person in a healthy relationship. Grief is a very personal process and should be respected.
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Yeah, no. I don't think it's healthy or right to let someone give themselves a panic attack once a week. I'm not the only person ever to try to distract a grieving person by doing what I can to keep them involved in life around them. When someone is making decisions that are harmful for themselves, regardless of their situation, you step in and do what you can for them. He needs someone to hold his hand, not kiss his butt.
If I were in his situation, I hope someone wouldn't let me spiral downward until I have nothing to live for. He does need to go to work and see his family and get out of the house. I don't control him, far from it. Sometimes I need to push him to run errands with me or go to the grocery store but I don't think that that is unhealthy.
 
jupitersnymph said:
He will always have his family. He has 3 siblings that feel the same way his parents do.
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I hate to be so blunt but he's already lost one family member (his son) who was younger than he is. His parents will probably die before he does, and there are no guarantees for his siblings' longevity. One car wreck can wipe out a family. That's the harsh reality.


He communicated through me. I never claimed to be an interpreter. They never asked. I would consider "traditional" ASL to be signs that other people who know signs would understand. About half of his vocab is "homemade."
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What sign language or system did he use in school?

We communicate using his mix of ASL and homemade.
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Did it occur to you that if you could pick up on his "homemade" signs that a trained CDI could do the same? Also, just because he prefers his home signs with family and you, that doesn't necessarily mean he can't use ASL signs.

He actually has a diploma. His family should have put more time into his education. He didn't learn any kind of ASL until he was 9. His parents were told that he wouldn't learn how to speak or read lips if he learned signs.
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That was a common story told to hearing parents of that era.

Did he or his family tell you about his childhood and school experiences?
 
I'm not questioning your intentions. I'm just concerned about your patronizing attitude about your boyfriend. His family may not be dealing well with the situation (they have their own grief), but it's your boyfriend's decision how to deal with it.
 
He will always have his family. He has 3 siblings that feel the same way his parents do.
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I hate to be so blunt but he's already lost one family member (his son) who was younger than he is. His parents will probably die before he does, and there are no guarantees for his siblings' longevity. One car wreck can wipe out a family. That's the harsh reality.


He communicated through me. I never claimed to be an interpreter. They never asked. I would consider "traditional" ASL to be signs that other people who know signs would understand. About half of his vocab is "homemade."
Click to expand...
What sign language or system did he use in school?

We communicate using his mix of ASL and homemade.
Click to expand...
Did it occur to you that if you could pick up on his "homemade" signs that a trained CDI could do the same? Also, just because he prefers his home signs with family and you, that doesn't necessarily mean he can't use ASL signs.

He actually has a diploma. His family should have put more time into his education. He didn't learn any kind of ASL until he was 9. His parents were told that he wouldn't learn how to speak or read lips if he learned signs.
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That was a common story told to hearing parents of that era.

Did he or his family tell you about his childhood and school experiences?



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I agree with everything Reba's said here.


It's naive to think that one's family will always be around to "save" them (not to mention creating a perfect situation for abuse/manipulation etc)

If you really want to be a benefit to your boyfriend then you need to demonstrate the importance of him becoming independent of this family and yourself for communication, and to help him find positive Deaf influences & role models for BOTH of you.

I know that you don't see it this way, but in many ways you are treating your boyfriend not as a n equal but as a child, and accepting that his family does the same.

There are many resources out there for you and your boyfriend to take additional language classes (ASL) if that is needed as well as many other resources that will help him learn that he CAN be independent, that using properly trained interpreters (or CDI & interpreter combination) will benefit him and allow him confidence and the ability to move forward in life without his family manipulation him into believing that he can't survive with out them (which is really what this sounds like)

Deaf people don't need, nor want "pity". They are unfortunately sometimes highly manipulated by family members into being dependant (or co-dependant) - this is where getting in touch with a Hoh/deaf & disability services organization will help BOTH of you learn a number of much needed skills, boundaries etc.
 
jupitersnymph said:
He does need to go to work and see his family and get out of the house. I don't control him, far from it. Sometimes I need to push him to run errands with me or go to the grocery store but I don't think that that is unhealthy.
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I understand you have the best of intentions and we are all outsiders in the situation... your boyfriend honestly sounds more 'depressed' than just grieving... AND there are different stages of grief and as you understand everyone goes thru them differently-- I've had episodes of 'situational depression' and quite honestly it pissed me off more than helped me when well intentioned people tried to 'push' me to do stuff... how long has it been since his son died?? Maybe he just needs a little more time-- this was understandably a VERY heartbreaking situation for him-- AND on top of that he may not have gotten the actual closure he needs due to not being allowed to have the service terp'd when it happened... he needs to grieve in his own way... on his own time table...

About the terp in other situations... sounds like he's from a small town maybe?? (from what you said about the doctor and all) Although he might THINK people will belittle him for asking for help, it's quite the opposite... he may feel MORE respected and better about himself b/c he wont have to rely on family for everything... and it sounds like that's what he needs, that little bit of 'independence' -- BUT again, you can't PUSH him to accept that... you can present the ideas to him, but HE needs to accept them on his own...

However, w/that being said-- I still believe the physicians and legal personnel he's dealt with have put themselves at risk (malpractice, etc) by not requesting a certified translator-- one small mis-interpretation and it could be deadly-- or at least damaging... but that's my thoughts from a healthcare workers standpoint...

I know it's hard to just let him go thru it as he needs to but 1) it's NOT healthy for you- it's obviously weighing heavy on you which will drain you 2) he seems to have enough people in his life that 'take care of him' he doesn't need that from his 'girlfriend'. Good luck :) :)
 
Anij said:
I hate to be so blunt but he's already lost one family member (his son) who was younger than he is. His parents will probably die before he does, and there are no guarantees for his siblings' longevity. One car wreck can wipe out a family. That's the harsh reality.



What sign language or system did he use in school?


Did it occur to you that if you could pick up on his "homemade" signs that a trained CDI could do the same? Also, just because he prefers his home signs with family and you, that doesn't necessarily mean he can't use ASL signs.


That was a common story told to hearing parents of that era.

Did he or his family tell you about his childhood and school experiences?



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I agree with everything Reba's said here.


It's naive to think that one's family will always be around to "save" them (not to mention creating a perfect situation for abuse/manipulation etc)

If you really want to be a benefit to your boyfriend then you need to demonstrate the importance of him becoming independent of this family and yourself for communication, and to help him find positive Deaf influences & role models for BOTH of you.

I know that you don't see it this way, but in many ways you are treating your boyfriend not as a n equal but as a child, and accepting that his family does the same.

There are many resources out there for you and your boyfriend to take additional language classes (ASL) if that is needed as well as many other resources that will help him learn that he CAN be independent, that using properly trained interpreters (or CDI & interpreter combination) will benefit him and allow him confidence and the ability to move forward in life without his family manipulation him into believing that he can't survive with out them (which is really what this sounds like)

Deaf people don't need, nor want "pity". They are unfortunately sometimes highly manipulated by family members into being dependent (or co-dependent) - this is where getting in touch with a Hoh/deaf & disability services organization will help BOTH of you learn a number of much needed skills, boundaries etc.
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Lol it is a little ironic that I am being chastised for doing things "for his own good" and yet the advice I get is to push him to accept interpreters he doesn't want, to take classes he doesn't want to take, etc. He is not weak. To the contrary, he is stubborn and he thinks he knows everything. And the simple truth is; He likes being dependent. He has no interest in being educated, in the name of independence or other. I said I was trying to "broaden his horizons." Meaning; I have lists of organizations that offer free therapy, legal aid, etc. to deaf individuals. I have Deaf social events that are going on in Detroit or Lansing, including classes for ASL that he won't have any part of. I am not pushing these things on him but I did think he would be interested in Deaf culture, because he hadn't been involved in it up to this point. He feels stupid, his own words, when he speaks to other deaf people because he feels that he doesn't know how to sign well enough. You think a hearing person like me can convince him that interpreters will not make him feel stupid? And all that was before his son passed away. You think I can get him to go to an advocate he feels he doesn't even need when I can't get him to go to the grocery store with me? This is insane. I am being condescended to as "manipulative?" It is a fact of life when there is a death that friends and loved ones are cast into the role of therapist. He has been suicidal in the past, even attempted suicide in 2007, and now he has the worst kind of survivors guilt. I should leave him to it and let him decide "the way he wants to deal with his grief"? I'm pretty sure the way he'd most like to deal with it is to wrap his pickup around a tree doing 90. Again, his own words. And I KNOW that he needs to be seeing a professional. But am I supposed to "manipulate" him into doing that? Or just let him deal with it "in his own way." Just because it sounds good, in the spirit of free will, to say he needs to deal with it in his own way, doesn't mean it works in real life. Me "patronizing" him has nothing to do with him being deaf and everything to do with a character flaw I possess. I take care of the people I love, especially when those people are too emotionally devastated to take care of themselves. He can't afford to not go to work. It is good for him to be around his grandson. Those are always his best days as far as depression goes. He feels like he is doing something for his son by being around Jacob.
And to say that it's naive to think that his family will not always be around is ridiculous. He has at least 20 relatives at any time that will take him in and take care of him. Unless his family reunion gets his by an asteroid, we can confidently assume that he'll always have family.
However, if anyone has any constructive advice on how to help I would gladly take it. In the form of websites or contacts to get him more interested or involved in the Deaf community. I can't say I am done defending myself because I probably am not. But I will say that this thread was meant to get advice and all I am really getting out of it is flak.
 
Adamsmomma said:
About the terp in other situations... sounds like he's from a small town maybe?? (from what you said about the doctor and all) Although he might THINK people will belittle him for asking for help, it's quite the opposite... he may feel MORE respected and better about himself b/c he wont have to rely on family for everything... and it sounds like that's what he needs, that little bit of 'independence' -- BUT again, you can't PUSH him to accept that... you can present the ideas to him, but HE needs to accept them on his own...

I know it's hard to just let him go thru it as he needs to but 1) it's NOT healthy for you- it's obviously weighing heavy on you which will drain you 2) he seems to have enough people in his life that 'take care of him' he doesn't need that from his 'girlfriend'. Good luck :) :)
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No he's basically from Ann Arbor. There are plenty of opportunities for him to get help if he ever wanted to. He knows the interpreters are free. He doesn't want them. He doesn't mind relying on family for everything. He already relies on them for his livelihood (working for his parents). But I have to say with his education, without their help, he would be on state aid.
I am quite strong enough to take care of the people that I love. I had no real emotional investment in his son's death. Yes, it was tragic but I wasn't close to him. My boyfriend and I live together. His family rarely takes care of him in the emotional sense, mostly in the financial and legal sense. Thank you for your advice though. I appreciate it.
 
Reba said:
What sign language or system did he use in school?

Did he or his family tell you about his childhood and school experiences?
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He used ASL in school, which is the same argument I used against his family when they said he wouldn't understand an interpreter at the funeral. He understands more ASL than he can actually USE, however. He and his family have told me about his schooling. His mother is the one that told me why he never learned signing until he was 9. He was the one that told me his education was half-ass.
 
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