How did you handle your deafness/hoh while growing up?

[whatdidyousay!]

And there are parents on AD claiming their deaf kids can hear. Do they have any clue how damaging that message can be?

When some people tell me I can hear 'good' , I say " no I can't hear good, my HA help me hear , I have trouble hearing without my HA." People much think wearing a HA cure your hearing lost!

 

[deafbajagal]

A lot of people do. And that's one of the reasons many kids don't get adequate services and support they need.

 

[whatdidyousay!]

A lot of people do. And that's one of the reasons many kids don't get adequate services and support they need.

Yeah I agree! When I finally got my first HA at the age of 7 years old I was already behind in my grades but I was put in the second grade any way when I did not past first grade yet! People thought will that taken care , I should do just fine now in school! Not!! I failed and was labeled as 'reject' student and throw into a reject class! The school spend as little money on teaching us as possible!

 

[shel90]

I handled it very badly.

 

[AlleyCat]

I think about all the many different ways I could have handled school, too. I did try, God knows that. But I think I didn't push hard enough. I think my parents thought I was doing "too well" and acting too "hearing" to make a need for any changes. Boy, did that backfire. But what did I know, being a young kid?

 

[deafbajagal]

Yeah I agree! When I finally got my first HA at the age of 7 years old I was already behind in my grades but I was put in the second grade any way when I did not past first grade yet! People thought will that taken care , I should do just fine now in school! Not!! I failed and was labeled as 'reject' student and throw into a reject class! The school spend as little money on teaching us as possible!

I'm sorry. Sadly, it's still happening TODAY.

 

[whatdidyousay!]

I'm sorry. Sadly, it's still happening TODAY.

There is no reason for this to happen today!! People should know better by now!
I know there people that still do not get it! And yes it is very sad for for the children that missing out all because people refuse to educated on now to help a deaf or hoh child.

 

[deafbajagal]

Exactly. No excuses.

 

[cdmeggers]

For the most part, I was fine with it.. Went to the deaf school that was connected to the public elementary school, so all deaf students at the deaf school went to the public school for a few classes (art and PE was always at the public school, along with speech therapy). The deaf school really helped with my self advocacy. Middle school was great too, fully mainstreamed with interpreters and FM units. 9th grade at a junior high school was hell (interpreting services were taken away, my dad seriously thought I could handle school just fine on my own... oh boy was he ever WRONG! my mom was willing to do whatever to help me out and advocate for me). Grades 10-12, I was a loner and awkward and just unsure of myself. I got my interpreter service back for those years but eh, my self esteem was gone thanks to 9th grade (no interpreter, stupid teachers refusing to "work with me", etc.). There was even one point, late elementary or middle school years, where I asked my mom WHY I was deaf.

Have tried going to college. Only credit class I completed with good grades was Elementary Algebra (and funnily enough, I managed this class on my own with no interpreting service, but the instructor was awesome! Used the overhead or dry-erase board all the time so I was able to follow just fine). The rest of the times, depression/anxiety struck up and I dropped out. Got a part time job with the local newspaper while I was a junior in high school and I still have my job at the newspaper today. My supervisor is awesome. For a few years, there was an editor from Oregon, who honestly had no idea how to communicate with me. I did write up a list on how to communicate with the deaf/hoh (mainly myself) for everyone at the newspaper, and my supervisor thought that was awesome I did that. Have had a part time job for 2 weeks in the deli at Safeways, and that was a horrible job. They expected me to use the phone, to answer the phone when it rang. Uh duh, I'm DEAF, I can't hear on the phone, and you honestly expect me to use the phone? And dealing with the customers was hell too haha.

 

[jenniepepsi]

No do not be sorry , I am sorry you when though all that with your mother! She would had gotten along great with my dad! I was hit too as I did not hear my dad call me when I was upstairs doing my homework! He wanted a tissue and the fucking box was right behind him! So I would get hit for not answering my dad fast enough! I moved 3,000 to get away from my family after dad dies. And I when to boarding school for my last two years of high school because my dad was getting really bad! I am glad you where to break away from family, that was very brave of you to do!

*hugs* im sorry you had to deal with that too. for me instead of tissues, it was usually something in her way that she wanted moved (usually something SHE put there in the first place) im glad you left your family too. ill be almost 1000 miles away from them all once i am able to afford to move.

 

[DeafBadger]

Not quite I don't think. I think a lot of it is b/c oral and mainstreamed kids are working so hard just to barely function, that we don't have enough energy to concentrate on social emotional stuff.

Yeah, that makes sense. Just trying so hard to function and get by that there's no time for the social side of things.

Also.....you mentioned going back to school for IT. Why not move to Rochester NY and go to NTID? I think you would LOVE it, and it would be the perfect setting for you! I know its a crappy ecnomy and not a lot of jobs....but on the other hand....maybe you could really start really dating and discovering the Deaf World. It's SO worth it....

Hmm...

I just looked at the NTID page, looks like they have an 2-year IT program. It's what I'm doing here, so yeah, why not go there?

Not sure about the dating though. At 34, I'm older than a lot of the students there.

But it would be fun to go and be immersed into a signing environment. I don't know much ASL right now, though. How long do you think it would take to get up to speed enough for the classes?

 

[rebeccalj]

i dont know, but it was the same for me, it was alot like the 'world didnt care' feeling , it was horrible, and alot of it still persists

i think its called isolation , or in a different way of thinking 'social death' nevermind with it is (and no im not treating you like hearies saying nevermind, it is seriously a deep, and difficult one to explain what is social death)..its not too hard to guess with it is, to be honest im just too lazy to type up a whole explanation of it right now as i just have had it with the essay im doing right now, i need a rest..

but yah, its both, depending which ways you're looking at it, isolation, social death , there could be more...any one??

I read this after sallylou mention term.

Introduction

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it.

Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life.(1) A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain-- one of nature's most basic survival tools. To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult. In fact, one defintion of the so-called "borderline personality disorder" is "the normal response of a sensitive person to an invalidating environment" (2)

Psychiatrist R.D. Laing said that when we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. He found that when one's feelings are denied a person can be made to feel crazy even they are perfectly mentally healthy. (Reference)

Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.) (Reference)

Invalidation goes beyond mere rejection by implying not only that our feelings are disapproved of, but that we are fundamentally abnormal. This implies that there is something wrong with us because we aren't like everyone else; we are strange; we are different; we are weird.

None of this feels good, and all of it damages us. The more different from the mass norm a person is, for example, more intelligent or more sensitive, the more he is likely to be invalidated. When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities.

Psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity and individuality.

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, "psychological murder", or "soul murder." Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile. A good guideline is:

First accept the feelings, then address the behavior.

 

[rebeccalj]

I havent been able to hear good all my life. but only just recently had a doctor look into it. growing up, i was always in trouble, my mom (abusive) always used it as a reason for beating me up. "why dont you ever listen to me" 'why do you ignore me all the time" ect (only meaner, using curse words) and the school TOLD my mom that i needed my hearing checked. but she never did. i needed braces too and i never got them, and i needed asthma treatment, and other things.
even as i got older it never got any better, except i was bigger than she was so she couldnt hit me anymore. now im called 'hellen keller' as an insult by my siblings, (because i talk too loud) my mom says rude things like 'its selective hearing, your not deaf quit acting like it'

thankfully, a few months ago i started seeing a psychologist and was able to make myself walk away from my 'family' and never look back. i havent seen them in a while now. and me (and my daughter, who is 7yrs) are so much happier for it. my daughter is autistic and they called her the R word and stupid and idiot all the time. all the more reason i left and never went back.


WOW sorry that turned out so long!!!

Break heart to read that.

Too bad we cannot choose family. Just because they are does not mean we have to be in their life.

Takes courage to leave them behind. The happiest day of my life was when my mother die. Horrible to say but true. No more abuse. Plus, I can talk to her and she cannot talk back.

 

[rebeccalj]

And there are parents on AD claiming their deaf kids can hear. Do they have any clue how damaging that message can be?

Problem is deaf kids do *not* hear. There are sounds that can be discerned but speech recognition? (can't remember word) comprehension is probably very small. Even HoH kids have trouble with speech comprehension. Mine is near zero but I can hear airplane overhead or ambulance or dog barking beside me. Yep, really helpful those hearing aides. Magic cure and I didn't even get those as kid. :roll:

 

[rebeccalj]

You know, I've wondered about that. Whether mainstreaming causes PTSD. I mean, they say that watching too much violence on TV can cause PTSD. I have a lot of anxiety in social situations with hearing people. Because when I talk to new hearing people, it's yet *another* round of social miscues and explanations and so on. I try less and less to connect with hearing people these days, and that's not really a good thing, I think.

Wow, do I *EVER* understand that!

I dread? meeting new hearies for that exact reason. I have to give 'oral' presentation at Board meetings every month or twice a month. It stresses me out for days before because the 'public' is there to listen. As soon as meeting over I rush to car to leave so I do not have to deal with Hearies.

PS: I look forward to you rants. Makes me feel 'normal.'

 

[rebeccalj]

I think one of the things that people in general get in a social environment is what I would call "social calibration". Maybe i'm expounding on a concept already known by a different name.

But what I notice among hearing people is that they calibrate to each other. They have all these subtle and not-so-subtle ways of finding a social equilibrium. They find common interests and affiliations this way. They gauge each other's position and tolerance (or intolerance).

When hearing people are growing up, they overhear each other. They overhear people gossiping. They overhear a guy trying to ask a girl out on a date. They accumulate this huge stream of information into a working knowledge of the social world of humans.

And I figure that's why dating hasn't been so easy for me. It's not for lack of trying to approach. It's that my approaches don't often seem to 'click' with the hearing girl I'm approaching. I don't know what I'm doing right or wrong. If I could hear examples of others doing this, I would probably know from other people's experience, what works and doesn't work.

So also with how to get a job from a hearing boss and other, endless, social interactions.

So I imagine that a d/hh person who grew up solitary would miss out on the social calibration in the hearing world, AND miss out on the social calibration in the d/hh world. Talk about a double whammy.

Excellent description.

But, do people *really* over hear guy asking girl out?

Hearing boss: My client, when I interview, first question is where accent from and I say straight out I'm Deaf but I lipread. I get lost finding office (30 minutes) but interview went great and I am still working with them. Educating is frustrating, as I post sometimes, but well worth it. If you do not make deafness a big deal then neither do they.

 

[whatdidyousay!]

*hugs* im sorry you had to deal with that too. for me instead of tissues, it was usually something in her way that she wanted moved (usually something SHE put there in the first place) im glad you left your family too. ill be almost 1000 miles away from them all once i am able to afford to move.

My dad hit me for a lot of reasons , When I got older dad could not hit as easy. It helped going to boarding school , I did not like the school but at least I was away from dad part of the year!

 

[whatdidyousay!]

*hugs* im sorry you had to deal with that too. for me instead of tissues, it was usually something in her way that she wanted moved (usually something SHE put there in the first place) im glad you left your family too. ill be almost 1000 miles away from them all once i am able to afford to move.

I am sorry to hear your mother was abused ,no child should have live in fear of their parents!

 

[Sunshine]

Break heart to read that.

Too bad we cannot choose family. Just because they are does not mean we have to be in their life.

Takes courage to leave them behind. The happiest day of my life was when my mother die. Horrible to say but true. No more abuse. Plus, I can talk to her and she cannot talk back.

I wish you could have my mom

 

[DeafBadger]

Wow, do I *EVER* understand that!

I dread? meeting new hearies for that exact reason. I have to give 'oral' presentation at Board meetings every month or twice a month. It stresses me out for days before because the 'public' is there to listen. As soon as meeting over I rush to car to leave so I do not have to deal with Hearies.

PS: I look forward to you rants. Makes me feel 'normal.'

I've avoided places or left school buildings immediately after class is over, just to avoid hearies. I try to force myself to go through the social motions so I have *some* kind of social interaction.. but it is so difficult.

At my old job, I really did not like it when, during team meetings, my manager would call on me to say something or ask me, "And what do you think (about the discussion)?" And I have to say, "Well, I really did not hear any of it. What are you guys talking about?" That made me look *brilliant*! :roll:

And thank you for appreciating my rants. hehe Makes me feel like I'm being heard.