Deaf Children? (Split from "Dear VamPyroX...")

Levonian

Levonian

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Dear VamPyroX:

Time for a serious question. This isn’t a joke—I’m dead serious here. I’m trying to figure out how to tell my wife’s parents that we want deaf children. I should give you some background information first. My wife is her parent’s only child, although she has a half-brother from her mother’s previous marriage. Because of this, they were pretty devastated when they found out that she is deaf. Her mother immediately took her to the John Tracy clinic, and thus followed several years of good old fashioned LAPD chokehold AG Bell oral education. I think you get the picture. Now we have to tell them that not only is there nothing wrong with having a deaf child, there are people in the world who actually want deaf children—including us. Got any ideas? I know that this is your thread, but if you could make an exception and let other people answer too, I would appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Confused in Los Angeles
 
Levonian said:
Dear VamPyroX:

Time for a serious question. This isn’t a joke—I’m dead serious here. I’m trying to figure out how to tell my wife’s parents that we want deaf children. I should give you some background information first. My wife is her parent’s only child, although she has a half-brother from her mother’s previous marriage. Because of this, they were pretty devastated when they found out that she is deaf. Her mother immediately took her to the John Tracy clinic, and thus followed several years of good old fashioned LAPD chokehold AG Bell oral education. I think you get the picture. Now we have to tell them that not only is there nothing wrong with having a deaf child, there are people in the world who actually want deaf children—including us. Got any ideas? I know that this is your thread, but if you could make an exception and let other people answer too, I would appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Confused in Los Angeles
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Confused in Los Angeles,

What does telling your wife's parents about wanting deaf children benefit you and/or her? If your wife gives birth to a deaf child, then they will have to learn to accept it. If you bring up the subject of wanting deaf children and think that they might have a problem with it, then both of you may have to deal with conflicts between you two and them. However, just going with the flow and letting nature take its course... your wife just might give birth to a deaf child. Since it's a surprise for your parents, then they would learn to accept it better than the near-stubborn attitude of saying "we want deaf children" before you actually have any deaf children.

As for others replying to your topic, I'll create a second thread and allow others to reply to your post... if that's what you want. :thumb:

- V
 
Well, we’re planning to adopt, so in this case we have complete control over whether the children will be deaf or hearing. Her mother is sort of a lunatic, to put it mildly, and will probably write her out of the will and never speak to her or me again. Which wouldn’t be the end of the world for us, but it’s a pretty sizable estate, which would make life a lot easier for us and enable us to adopt even more children. As it stands right now, we’re both getting to the point where we’re just going to tell her to take a flying leap at the Moon anyway (we’re not going to be her puppets), so maybe we will just tell them when it happens.

If you could do a spin-off thread with this, that would be cool, thanks.
 
I have no problems with people wanting to adopt deaf children. But I do believe that it is wrong of people to intentionally reproduce deaf children because that would be forcing the baby into deafness.

But adopting is a different story.
 
Banjo said:
But adopting is a different story.
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I used to think that making designer deaf babies was OK, but now I’m starting to reevaluate my thinking on that subject. But you’re right—adoption is a completely different matter entirely. Now if I can just get them to see it that way, we’ll be spared a lot of headaches in the future.
 
I also thought it was okay to make designer babies in the past, but like you... I started to see some changes in my viewpoint on the concept. But I know you'll make a great father.

Good luck on getting the in-laws to see it your way. Probably because you'll need it. The In-Laws are always a pain. :-P
 
Levonian said:
Well, we’re planning to adopt, so in this case we have complete control over whether the children will be deaf or hearing. Her mother is sort of a lunatic, to put it mildly, and will probably write her out of the will and never speak to her or me again. Which wouldn’t be the end of the world for us, but it’s a pretty sizable estate, which would make life a lot easier for us and enable us to adopt even more children. As it stands right now, we’re both getting to the point where we’re just going to tell her to take a flying leap at the Moon anyway (we’re not going to be her puppets), so maybe we will just tell them when it happens.

If you could do a spin-off thread with this, that would be cool, thanks.
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Adopt? Ah, I see... ok. Well, that's gonna be a different. Perhaps, if she writes you out of her will... you could file a lawful discrimination lawsuit because she won't give you money because you have deaf children. Secondly, why won't you make your own babies? Is the wife infertile or incapable of having kids on her own? Sorry for asking this.
 
VamPyroX said:
Is the wife infertile or incapable of having kids on her own?
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Probably. She's never been able to get pregnant, despite many attempts. So we're operating under the assumption that she can't. Her mother had a hard time conceiving also, so it's probably a family trait.

The ironic thing is that it's very possible that she can have a deaf baby on her own if she were to become pregnant. I have reason to believe that some of her ancestors might have come from the Martha's Vineyard colony.
 
Levonian said:
Probably. She's never been able to get pregnant, despite many attempts. So we're operating under the assumption that she can't. Her mother had a hard time conceiving also, so it's probably a family trait.

The ironic thing is that it's very possible that she can have a deaf baby on her own if she were to become pregnant. I have reason to believe that some of her ancestors might have come from the Martha's Vineyard colony.
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Hmm... have you tried different positions? Have you tried doing it under specific parts of the moon like a full or quarter moon? Have you tried it during a specific day of the week? I'm just being sarcastic. Heh! Seriously, I understand how you feel. I'm adopted. My parents considered me as a "gift from God" when I was placed in their foster care. What are some other options you could do?
 
I think adoption is a wonderful option. We tried to adopt a deaf child in the past but got discouraged because our state couldn't find any.

If you do want to adopt a deaf child, are you seeking just an infant, or do you want an older child?

I agree with the other posters that you really don't need to bring it up ahead of time with the in-laws. The adoption process is enough stress without adding in-law interference. When and if the time comes, then you can let them know.

Now, my opinion as a grandmother. Most grannies will be thrilled with any grandchild, especially after they actually get to meet and hold the baby. Sometimes the future grandmother might say, "I could never accept a (fill in the blank) child in my family." They might mean deaf, mentally retarded, black, asian, whatever. But if they get a chance alone in a quiet room to bond with the baby, their hearts can soften.

Something else that pleases grandparents. Include one of the family ancestor names (maybe in the middle name) of the new child.

If you want to follow your hearts in adoption of a deaf child, you must totally put out of your minds anything about wills or inheritance. Don't let any of that influence your decision. Just tell yourselves, "I don't expect anything from my parents/in-laws, so I won't miss it." And then believe it. To be honest, parents are not required to leave anything to grown children, legally or morally. Suppose something happened that wiped out all the in-laws money right before they died? No inheritance anyway. So, don't expect it and you won't be disappointed.

If you can find a deaf child that is adoptable, that will be great. God bless you.
 
Levonian said:
Probably. She's never been able to get pregnant, despite many attempts. So we're operating under the assumption that she can't. Her mother had a hard time conceiving also, so it's probably a family trait.

The ironic thing is that it's very possible that she can have a deaf baby on her own if she were to become pregnant. I have reason to believe that some of her ancestors might have come from the Martha's Vineyard colony.
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It is none of our business here about your infertility problems, but I do want to make a suggestion, as it relates to the adoption process.

Some adoption agencies give preference to infertile couples over couples who can conceive, or who have already had natural children. Both of you should go to a fertility specialist to get all the medical tests so you know exactly what your fertility status is. This documentation may give you some advantage with the adoption agencies. Or you might be pleasantly surprised with a different result (you never know until you both get checked out).
 
I honestly wouldn't share your intentions with your in-laws. That is a matter between you and your wife. You can tell them that you would like to adopt, but I wouldn't go into anything beyond that. They may have questions about your intent on adopting, and you can talk about what you feel comfortable with and what you don't mind sharing.

When the time comes and you do adopt a deaf child, you can then tell them that the first time you laid your eyes on little Jonny or Elizabeth, you fell in love and knew it was the right thing to do. You can then explain all of the positives about adopting a deaf child. You two already have the knowledge on what its like to be deaf. With that experience, you know the best as far as education, language, resources, etc. IMO a deaf child with a deaf parent is a match made in heaven. You have knowledge that two hearing parents probably wouldn't have.
 
Taylor said:
I honestly wouldn't share your intentions with your in-laws. That is a matter between you and your wife. You can tell them that you would like to adopt, but I wouldn't go into anything beyond that. They may have questions about your intent on adopting, and you can talk about what you feel comfortable with and what you don't mind sharing.

When the time comes and you do adopt a deaf child, you can then tell them that the first time you laid your eyes on little Jonny or Elizabeth, you fell in love and knew it was the right thing to do. You can then explain all of the positives about adopting a deaf child. You two already have the knowledge on what its like to be deaf. With that experience, you know the best as far as education, language, resources, etc. IMO a deaf child with a deaf parent is a match made in heaven. You have knowledge that two hearing parents probably wouldn't have.
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That sounds like a better idea. Go with the flow. I'm sure they will be more heartfelt towards your decision if you happen to come across a deaf child for adoption.
 
"
Levonian said:
Well, we’re planning to adopt, so in this case we have complete control over whether the children will be deaf or hearing. Her mother is sort of a lunatic, to put it mildly, and will probably write her out of the will and never speak to her or me again. Which wouldn’t be the end of the world for us, but it’s a pretty sizable estate, which would make life a lot easier for us and enable us to adopt even more children."


Levonian, this is your life. What your wife's parents leave you in $ is none of your concern, it's theirs. That shouldn't even be an issue. The only issue should be your life together. Make your decisions based on what the two of you want your life to be like. Take responsibility for yourself and answer to no one. That doesn't mean treat them rudely, it just means allow them to accept your decision or not. That would be my 2 cents.
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