The death of a loved one creates many changes for surviving family members. Changes range from the practical, such as changes in household routines, to the more philosophical, such as changes in priorities or plans for the future. Grieving may take months to years, as does adapting and reacting to new life situations.
Types of changes
Routines change. Most people have a daily routine that structures their time and offers a sense of consistency. For families taking care of a loved one with cancer, much of this daily routine centers on hospital visits or caregiving tasks. When the loved one dies, this familiar routine abruptly ends. It is normal for family members to feel lost when someone close dies, and it takes time to develop a new routine that feels familiar and comfortable.
Responsibilities change. In most families, each person is responsible for certain tasks. One person may do yard work and cooking, while another pays bills or does the laundry. When a spouse or family member dies, these jobs become the responsibility of surviving family members. Some tasks, such as doing the taxes or certain household chores, may be completely new. Having to learn a new skill can be stressful. If the deceased person was ill for a long time, family members who acted as caregivers may experience a feeling of emptiness now that their responsibility of caring for that person has ended. In fact, they may be flooded by emotions that they kept hidden during those final busy months of active caregiving.
Employment and finances change. If the deceased family member was a primary wage earner, other family members may need to work more hours, go back to work after an absence, or go to work for the first time. For a parent with young children, this may mean arranging for daycare and having less time to spend at home. The death of a family member may also mean a change in the family's finances. Changes may include one fewer paycheck, a change in social security benefits, or payment from a life insurance policy.
Faith and spirituality change. It is normal to question religious or spiritual beliefs, or your understanding of the meaning of life, following the death of someone you love. This is particularly true if the death seems especially untimely or unfair, such as when a child or a young spouse dies. Assumptions about the world and how things should be may not fit with the reality of death. While some may question their faith or religious beliefs, others find that their faith becomes stronger and a source of comfort.
Priorities and goals change. You may find that your priorities change to reflect what matters most to you now. Previous priorities such as work may be replaced by new priorities such as spending more time with family and friends, or focusing on your own health. It may also be necessary to change priorities for practical reasons. For instance, if you have just become the family's primary wage earner, finding a good job and focusing on your career might need to become a high priority. The death of a loved one can also change goals and hopes. Plans for early retirement, traveling, or even additional children may need to change as family members adjust to a new lifestyle.
Activities and interests change. You may find that you do not enjoy some activities as much as you used to, including activities you shared with your loved one. As your priorities and responsibilities change, you may also develop new interests. Some people become involved in activities that were important to the deceased, or spend time volunteering at a local hospital or a cancer advocacy organization.
Relationships change. It is normal to experience changes in the way you relate to family and friends, and in the way they relate to you. Some family or friends may distance themselves from you because they worry about not knowing what to say or how to act. Others may surprise you with dedicated support, and some relationships may become closer than ever. Because the death of a loved one causes other changes in your life, you may find that some of your relationships change because you no longer have the same interests, priorities, or goals you once had. Changes in your interests and activities may lead to new relationships and new friendships.
Coping with change
Adjusting to any change can be stressful. The following are some strategies that can help you to better cope with the changes that follow a loved one's death:
Take time making major decisions. The year following the death of a loved one is a period of emotional turmoil. A decision that seems right during this period may not seem right a few months later. Mental health experts suggest waiting at least a year before making any major decisions, such as moving or changing jobs. Consider making a list of decisions and tasks and determining what has to be done immediately. Try to hold off on important decisions that can wait.
Share new responsibilities. It takes time for family members to negotiate new responsibilities and for the family to settle into a new routine. As a family, talk about what household jobs need to be done and who will be responsible for which tasks. Also talk about changes in the family routine. Talking about these changes is especially important for younger children who may be particularly upset by disruptions in their routine.
Ask for and accept help. Friends and family will want to help you but might not know what you need or how to ask. Be specific about your needs and have a list of tasks that people can do. If you are learning how to perform unfamiliar tasks such as car maintenance or cooking, ask someone to show you what to do, or consider taking a class.
Get help handling financial and legal matters. The many financial and legal tasks that follow a death can seem overwhelming, especially if you are not used to handling your own financial and legal affairs. If the deceased family member was ill for a long time, you may also have health insurance claims and medical bills to deal with. If possible, seek the advice of a legal or financial expert, such as a lawyer, accountant, or financial adviser. These services usually cost money, but can help you plan your legal and financial future and may help you save money in the long run.
Get advice before returning to work. If you are returning to work after a long absence, or going to work for the first time, you may consider talking to a career counselor. A career counselor can help you write a resume and perform a job search, as well as help you decide what career choices might suit you best. Many state and county governments offer free job training and career counseling services.
Consider keeping a journal. Keeping a journal or a diary can help you make sense of the changes you are experiencing. As well as writing about your feelings and thoughts, you can use your journal to help organize your tasks, priorities, and even future plans. Looking back through your journal over time can help you see how your priorities and goals have changed, as well as how your ability to cope has improved.
Consider joining a support group. Support groups offer you the chance to talk with others who share your feelings and experiences. Other people who have lost a loved one to cancer have likely experienced many of the same changes as you and can offer you both emotional support and practical advice as you adjust to these changes.
Remember the positive. Reorganizing your priorities, developing new interests, and learning new skills can bring some fresh and new things into your life. Allow yourself to feel proud of new accomplishments and remember that it is not disloyal to your loved one to enjoy new activities or set new goals.
Types of changes
Routines change. Most people have a daily routine that structures their time and offers a sense of consistency. For families taking care of a loved one with cancer, much of this daily routine centers on hospital visits or caregiving tasks. When the loved one dies, this familiar routine abruptly ends. It is normal for family members to feel lost when someone close dies, and it takes time to develop a new routine that feels familiar and comfortable.
Responsibilities change. In most families, each person is responsible for certain tasks. One person may do yard work and cooking, while another pays bills or does the laundry. When a spouse or family member dies, these jobs become the responsibility of surviving family members. Some tasks, such as doing the taxes or certain household chores, may be completely new. Having to learn a new skill can be stressful. If the deceased person was ill for a long time, family members who acted as caregivers may experience a feeling of emptiness now that their responsibility of caring for that person has ended. In fact, they may be flooded by emotions that they kept hidden during those final busy months of active caregiving.
Employment and finances change. If the deceased family member was a primary wage earner, other family members may need to work more hours, go back to work after an absence, or go to work for the first time. For a parent with young children, this may mean arranging for daycare and having less time to spend at home. The death of a family member may also mean a change in the family's finances. Changes may include one fewer paycheck, a change in social security benefits, or payment from a life insurance policy.
Faith and spirituality change. It is normal to question religious or spiritual beliefs, or your understanding of the meaning of life, following the death of someone you love. This is particularly true if the death seems especially untimely or unfair, such as when a child or a young spouse dies. Assumptions about the world and how things should be may not fit with the reality of death. While some may question their faith or religious beliefs, others find that their faith becomes stronger and a source of comfort.
Priorities and goals change. You may find that your priorities change to reflect what matters most to you now. Previous priorities such as work may be replaced by new priorities such as spending more time with family and friends, or focusing on your own health. It may also be necessary to change priorities for practical reasons. For instance, if you have just become the family's primary wage earner, finding a good job and focusing on your career might need to become a high priority. The death of a loved one can also change goals and hopes. Plans for early retirement, traveling, or even additional children may need to change as family members adjust to a new lifestyle.
Activities and interests change. You may find that you do not enjoy some activities as much as you used to, including activities you shared with your loved one. As your priorities and responsibilities change, you may also develop new interests. Some people become involved in activities that were important to the deceased, or spend time volunteering at a local hospital or a cancer advocacy organization.
Relationships change. It is normal to experience changes in the way you relate to family and friends, and in the way they relate to you. Some family or friends may distance themselves from you because they worry about not knowing what to say or how to act. Others may surprise you with dedicated support, and some relationships may become closer than ever. Because the death of a loved one causes other changes in your life, you may find that some of your relationships change because you no longer have the same interests, priorities, or goals you once had. Changes in your interests and activities may lead to new relationships and new friendships.
Coping with change
Adjusting to any change can be stressful. The following are some strategies that can help you to better cope with the changes that follow a loved one's death:
Take time making major decisions. The year following the death of a loved one is a period of emotional turmoil. A decision that seems right during this period may not seem right a few months later. Mental health experts suggest waiting at least a year before making any major decisions, such as moving or changing jobs. Consider making a list of decisions and tasks and determining what has to be done immediately. Try to hold off on important decisions that can wait.
Share new responsibilities. It takes time for family members to negotiate new responsibilities and for the family to settle into a new routine. As a family, talk about what household jobs need to be done and who will be responsible for which tasks. Also talk about changes in the family routine. Talking about these changes is especially important for younger children who may be particularly upset by disruptions in their routine.
Ask for and accept help. Friends and family will want to help you but might not know what you need or how to ask. Be specific about your needs and have a list of tasks that people can do. If you are learning how to perform unfamiliar tasks such as car maintenance or cooking, ask someone to show you what to do, or consider taking a class.
Get help handling financial and legal matters. The many financial and legal tasks that follow a death can seem overwhelming, especially if you are not used to handling your own financial and legal affairs. If the deceased family member was ill for a long time, you may also have health insurance claims and medical bills to deal with. If possible, seek the advice of a legal or financial expert, such as a lawyer, accountant, or financial adviser. These services usually cost money, but can help you plan your legal and financial future and may help you save money in the long run.
Get advice before returning to work. If you are returning to work after a long absence, or going to work for the first time, you may consider talking to a career counselor. A career counselor can help you write a resume and perform a job search, as well as help you decide what career choices might suit you best. Many state and county governments offer free job training and career counseling services.
Consider keeping a journal. Keeping a journal or a diary can help you make sense of the changes you are experiencing. As well as writing about your feelings and thoughts, you can use your journal to help organize your tasks, priorities, and even future plans. Looking back through your journal over time can help you see how your priorities and goals have changed, as well as how your ability to cope has improved.
Consider joining a support group. Support groups offer you the chance to talk with others who share your feelings and experiences. Other people who have lost a loved one to cancer have likely experienced many of the same changes as you and can offer you both emotional support and practical advice as you adjust to these changes.
Remember the positive. Reorganizing your priorities, developing new interests, and learning new skills can bring some fresh and new things into your life. Allow yourself to feel proud of new accomplishments and remember that it is not disloyal to your loved one to enjoy new activities or set new goals.
He did not ask for it... 
I know how you feel, Kalista, it's the greatest fear we all face in life, when we lose someone we are so close to and love so much, even our children, our husbands, wives, lovers, mom, dad, sisters, brothers, we all cannot image life without them, it'll never be the same again, and I do know you had suffered a great deep loss, and I do know it's so damn hard to move on without him, I would be in the same shoes as you to be honest, I don't know what I'll do if I lost someone so close to me, I'll go insane and lose my mind. 
but still hanging in there.. its never easy.. sigh.. 
for now... I am trying to fight to get custody of my son TJ back so I wont be alone again... its not fair that he have 2 kids with his wife... why he take tj away?? sigh.. 
