Yeah I suffer from it, been to one or two counselors, but they never did much.
To give you a history:
Ever since I can remember Ive always felt like my dad didnt treat me as well as he treated my brother. Ive never had a decent relationship with any man.
When I was 13-14-15 years of age I was being sexually assaulted on a daily basis at school. The guys always groping me, I was nothing more than a sex toy, Because of this I sank into a deep state of depression. I no longer cared if I lived or died. No longer felt like a person. I eventually developed anorexia in a bid to have control of something, since I had no control over the other parts of my life.
When I was 14 - I was also being sexually abused by an uncle - this went on for two years. Having to deal with the groping at school as well as the abuse from my uncle at family functions put me on a constant edge. If there ever was a time I could be considered bitchy, this was the time. I was growling and at the ready to bite anyone's head off. I was getting in trouble at school.
Also during this time my hearing was degrading to the point of needing aids. Because I already had self-image issues, the parents forcing me to wear hearing aids made for several fights. Because of this I refused to wear the aids, I felt like I was losing control of my body, this possibly also contributed to my anorexia.
The anorexia got to the point I was passing out from dehydration, constant dizzyness, and I stopped having my period for about 2 years.
At age 15 I ran away from home, got picked up by the police, taken back home.
My mom suggested I see a therapist, I refused. I wasnt about to be labelled nutso after everything else that had happened.
What also didnt help at all was the fact that I was in athletics and on the basketball team, never once could I remember that my parents were there in the stands. However they made it to all of my brothers football games, junior high through to senior high. I have always felt a sense of resentment because of this. This is a blatant example of how I wasnt the blessed child.
Then in my senior year I witnessed a horrific accident in which a 10 year old girl was ran over from a semi on mainstreet. I narrowly avoided what was left of her body. It was horrific enough I saw her head snap off and roll to the curb. I was messed up for MONTHS over that one. If that wasnt enough, I was the only one on scene that knew where the family of the girl lived - I had to go to her house where her 14 year old brother was babysitting the other siblings while the mother was out with friends. It was the hardest shit Ive ever done to have to tell a kid that hey your sister is laying dead in the street, you need to go identify the body. I went to the funeral and it was the saddest thing. Wendy Lynn Remer was the name of the girl, I'll never forget it. Here I was 18 and taking on the weight of the world.
After that I started drinking, driving with a 'death wish', carrying blades in my mouth, cutting, my ana deteriorated. I was emaciated by this point. 5'4" weighed in at 108 pounds. I would sit there and tears would flow down my face for no reason.
I went to college met my soon to be ex-husband - ended up pregnant, dropped out, married my ex-husband, turned out to be a helluva an abusive relationship. That marriage lasted only 9 months (legally we were married for 18 months). In that process I lost my house, everything. It was like a tornado had ripped my life apart.
Put my everything into becoming an EMT-Basic. Mom and dad never believed in me, mom ruined an opportunity for me to get a job with the local EMS service. Never found any job outside YCEMS, had some crappy jobs. Kept reaching for dreams that would never happen. I left a chicken plant to become an EMT - now here I am right back where I started from, a line worker at a chicken plant.
Sure its a pitiful story, but who cares. Looking back Im just one screw up after another. Ive felt like letting my dreams fade away as Im tired of reaching for dreams that are never realized. Ive been burned out on too many failures.
Ive told myself lately - if I know now what I wishe I knew in high school, I would have just dropped out and gotten it over with. Less heartache.
So right now Im feeling manic depressive. One week Im in a euphoric state, Im feeling alive. Extra talkative, a million thoughts running through my mind, spending my hard earned cash like its going out of style. Or one good example - I had my hair chopped off. Not Britney Spears style but I went from should blade length to a boyish cut, out of the blue no appearent reason.
then I get depressive, I isolate myself from the world as much as possible. I'll skip out on church. There are mornings I have to force myself out of bed to get to work and its all I can do to just get to work, just to get through the normal routine.
Its been a crazy life. There are times I feel like Im undesirable because I know I dont fall into the normal catagory. No one can understand me - and Im OK with that. Ive been pushed and shoved around so many times Ive gotten used to it.
It surely didnt help at all when my dad finally came right out and told me that I was the biggest dissappointment of his life. Ever since that day he's been so much shorter with me, the only thing he says to me is to order me around like a puppy. Oh well I'll get used to it, always have. It just means he threw the rest of the relationship out and then turned around and complained I treated him like shit.
Thats OK though if Ive never had a good relationship with him, I dont feel like Im missing out on much anyway.
