Deaf in denial... help

J

jhintak

New Member
Joined
Sep 8, 2010
Messages
13
Reaction score
0
Okay so I posted this in another thread about another problem, but it has to do with the same person.

I'm a private tutor for this deaf guy, 22 years old. His family doesn't know ASL, and don't bother to learn it. He himself isn't so skilled at it, and doesn't know how to read at all. But that's not the problem.

Problem is he refuses to accept that he's deaf. He wants to be hearing like the rest of his family. And what annoys me the most, is how he refuses to sign, and would start mumbling, trying to make out words. And I'm not deaf myself, so I can't say I understand what he's going through. But it's really hard for me to teach him anything when he's not signing to me, and only trying to speak to me. When he speaks (mumbles), I can't understand him, so I tell him to sign to me and he'll start getting mad that I'm being rude, and that I'm lying. He'll tell me (and many others) he's hearing, and refuses to accept that he's deaf. He also dislikes being with other deaf people because he wants to be hearing. Always complains that he's deaf and draws on a paper how deaf people are sad, and hearing people are happy. I always have to explain to him that everyone is different, and that hearing doens't mean happiness.

Anywho, I also explain how many deaf people are happy, because I have a lot of deaf friends, and I see it myself. So he'll tell me it's their individual decision, and he decides he wants to be hearing, not deaf. He'll also ask me to teach him how to voice words, and I have no idea how to do that.

What do you guys think? What should I do? I'm at a road block because I can't teach him anything. For those that plan to answer, 'quit your job' don't even bother posting, that's not an option. I sincerely want to help him but I just don't know how.

Another person suggested I look into depression, because he may well be in it. He's been in his room basically his whole life probably just watching tv. His parents never communicate with him, and don't bother because they don't know his language. Really sad.

Help...?
 
if he doesn't like signing, you can at least write to him or ask him to write to you since writing is something that hearing people do anyway.

Is he late deafened or had any hearing aids (and benefit from it) growing up? if so, if his heart really set on being hearing, he can ask for implant.

I'm worry he may be suicidal so he may need to go see a counselor who specialized deaf people.

if he want to learn speech, ask his dad to hire a speech therapy at the speech and hearing center. they handle adults as well.

sometimes it is best to listen to the person and respect how he feels and don't argue with him. Although it is offensive that he thinks hearing people have more happiness though. We are human like everyone else.
 
yes jhintak. based on what I read, I do believe he is clearly depressed. I don't know how much longer can he endure this but it's not looking good. I do understand that you sincerely want to help him but understand that this is possibly way out of your field. you could be making it worse for him. You are his private tutor, not counselor or nanny.

You really should try to get his parents involved to teach him together. It is absolutely important for the sake of boy's well-being that his parents (either mom or dad... or both) to establish relationship with him. Does he have brother? sister? Sibling is the best and easiest way to start.

Based on your well-written English and since you're Korean, I'm assuming that you live in USA... either California or Northeastern area like NJ/NY/MD/VA. Am I correct?
 
I used to be that way. Dont push him into accepting his deafness. Only he can come to terms with that. Important, be supportive and keep telling him about Deaf culture, ASL and your Deaf friends. Only he has the power to change his way of thinking.
 
Ic.. thanks for the info.

I'd suggest writing but he can't read or write.
I try to get him exposed to other deaf people but he doens't like to hang out with them, because he doesn't like signing. I will try to talk to his dad though. He seems the more supportive one but doesn't know how to handle his kid.

I'm not sure he'll ever turn to suicide, because he's very protective of himself. But at the same time you never know. I'll see what I can do.

He's born deaf, but I'm not sure the implant will work in his condition.

Yes I'm from Cali.
 
jhintak said:
Ic.. thanks for the info.

I'd suggest writing but he can't read or write.
I try to get him exposed to other deaf people but he doens't like to hang out with them, because he doesn't like signing. I will try to talk to his dad though. He seems the more supportive one but doesn't know how to handle his kid.

I'm not sure he'll ever turn to suicide, because he's very protective of himself. But at the same time you never know. I'll see what I can do.

He's born deaf, but I'm not sure the implant will work in his condition.
Click to expand...
ah... good! If the father is the more supportive type, then you should definitely encourage the father to participate together with you when tutoring him. That way - the father can observe you communicating with him and not feel embarrassed about using ASL. If the father is willing to learn ASL, then the son may feel encouraged and will probably teach father some signs. That's a great start.

jhintak said:
Yes I'm from Cali.
Click to expand...
damn.... I'm good :lol:
 
jhintak said:
Ic.. thanks for the info.

I'd suggest writing but he can't read or write.
I try to get him exposed to other deaf people but he doens't like to hang out with them, because he doesn't like signing. I will try to talk to his dad though. He seems the more supportive one but doesn't know how to handle his kid.

I'm not sure he'll ever turn to suicide, because he's very protective of himself. But at the same time you never know. I'll see what I can do.

He's born deaf, but I'm not sure the implant will work in his condition.

Yes I'm from Cali.
Click to expand...

Was he mainstreamed orally growing up?
 
jhintak said:
I'm not following with the mainstream oral..?
Click to expand...

Was he at a school in a classroom full of hearing kids full time or did he go to a deaf school?
 
please do tell us a little story about the boy. was he born deaf? does he have sibling? anything.
 
You sound really under qualified to work with a young adult who can't read or write. It also sounds like you want more for your convenience when you say he wants to speak and you can't understand him, so that is not the way you allow him to communicate.

Too bad he is apparently under his parents power still. Anybody who doesn't want to communicate with me because they can't understand my speech can get lost.

Why is it you won't quit your job and let someone more qualified work with him? Money for you? Not very altruistic.

If he is to have any life at all he needs a qualified educator to work with him.
 
my goal is to teach him to read or write.
i CAN teach how to read and how to write, if the student is willing.
he's had a few teachers before me, and no one is willing to deal with him because of his attitude towards his studies. Had he not have his parents he'd be living in the streets. He has no skill in anything, no desire to work, and no education in language. You tell me how he'll make a living.

I can't understand him because like I said, he doesn't know how to voice. Not my original field of study. My main focus is english, and math. Not speech. But no one is willing to work with him, but me. I don't know why you feel so indignant about my desire to help him. I believe he needs to work on his primary language, before he moves on to a foreign language (speech). And honestly before he decides he wants to speak, I would suggest he learn the english grammar first. There are necessary steps to take before he jumps into that.

Plus it's not for the money. I can easily quit this job and make more somewhere else. But I'm going through with this guy because I want to help him, and because I don't know any one else who is willing to do it as patiently as I am. Don't judge me without knowing who I am.
 
he has one brother who doesn't live with him. he's older but he doesn't bother learning sign language either. He's always been to a deaf school, but he has problems dealing with other deaf so he got kicked out of a few schools. Now he's going to a small adult deaf school. But the school got moved to another city, so it looks like he wont be going to a school for a while. His church however is all hearing, and none of them know sign language.
 
jhintak said:
my goal is to teach him to read or write.
i CAN teach how to read and how to write, if the student is willing.
he's had a few teachers before me, and no one is willing to deal with him because of his attitude towards his studies. Had he not have his parents he'd be living in the streets. He has no skill in anything, no desire to work, and no education in language. You tell me how he'll make a living.

I can't understand him because like I said, he doesn't know how to voice. Not my original field of study. My main focus is english, and math. Not speech. But no one is willing to work with him, but me. I don't know why you feel so indignant about my desire to help him. I believe he needs to work on his primary language, before he moves on to a foreign language (speech). And honestly before he decides he wants to speak, I would suggest he learn the english grammar first. There are necessary steps to take before he jumps into that.

Plus it's not for the money. I can easily quit this job and make more somewhere else. But I'm going through with this guy because I want to help him, and because I don't know any one else who is willing to do it as patiently as I am. Don't judge me without knowing who I am.
Click to expand...

spoken like a true Korean :)

jhintak - don't take it too hard. you will always have some criticisms toward you. Another question - since he's giving you hard time to not learn anything... do you feel that he responds better to male figure?
 
jhintak said:
he has one brother who doesn't live with him. he's older but he doesn't bother learning sign language either. He's always been to a deaf school, but he has problems dealing with other deaf so he got kicked out of a few schools. Now he's going to a small adult deaf school. But the school got moved to another city, so it looks like he wont be going to a school for a while. His church however is all hearing, and none of them know sign language.
Click to expand...

I don't know how his Church group is but I'll assume they're supportive and friendly. Would it be possible for you to go with him so you can teach his Church friends some sign language?
 
jhintak said:
my goal is to teach him to read or write.
i CAN teach how to read and how to write, if the student is willing.
he's had a few teachers before me, and no one is willing to deal with him because of his attitude towards his studies. Had he not have his parents he'd be living in the streets. He has no skill in anything, no desire to work, and no education in language. You tell me how he'll make a living.

I can't understand him because like I said, he doesn't know how to voice. Not my original field of study. My main focus is english, and math. Not speech. But no one is willing to work with him, but me. I don't know why you feel so indignant about my desire to help him. I believe he needs to work on his primary language, before he moves on to a foreign language (speech). And honestly before he decides he wants to speak, I would suggest he learn the english grammar first. There are necessary steps to take before he jumps into that.

Plus it's not for the money. I can easily quit this job and make more somewhere else. But I'm going through with this guy because I want to help him, and because I don't know any one else who is willing to do it as patiently as I am. Don't judge me without knowing who I am.
Click to expand...

Is his first language ASL?
 
jhintak said:
my goal is to teach him to read or write.
i CAN teach how to read and how to write, if the student is willing.
he's had a few teachers before me, and no one is willing to deal with him because of his attitude towards his studies. Had he not have his parents he'd be living in the streets. He has no skill in anything, no desire to work, and no education in language. You tell me how he'll make a living.

I can't understand him because like I said, he doesn't know how to voice. Not my original field of study. My main focus is english, and math. Not speech. But no one is willing to work with him, but me. I don't know why you feel so indignant about my desire to help him. I believe he needs to work on his primary language, before he moves on to a foreign language (speech). And honestly before he decides he wants to speak, I would suggest he learn the english grammar first. There are necessary steps to take before he jumps into that.

Plus it's not for the money. I can easily quit this job and make more somewhere else. But I'm going through with this guy because I want to help him, and because I don't know any one else who is willing to do it as patiently as I am. Don't judge me without knowing who I am.
Click to expand...

You don't understand? I don't view it as helping him but hindering him if he wishes to use speech, but you deny it as it is not your field.

He should have someone who is experienced in that field.
 
if he goes to deaf school, I wonder why he never learned ASL very well? is it self contained deaf school with TC? I'm assuming it is because he is speaking more than he does with signing. I'm confuse about his whole background. I hope you can help him but don't tell him he need ASL because of his speech.

as far as if he's a candidate for implant, that's for the doctors to decide because there are plenty of born deaf who had implant late in life.
 
Back
Top