Is wanting deaf children cultural/parental?

jazzy said:
I am sorry. I know many deaf parents said that to me too and I am against it. I am perfectly happy with having hearing children. My son send me a picture of hearing certication thru mobile cell phone, my grandson passed hearing test. I was so happiest grandma ever I can be. I do not want any of them to be deaf alike me. I sometime think they are selfish to wanna their children to be deaf.
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Then you must have a mild hearing loss as you can hear better than being profound deafness. You can communicate with your hearing children and adults to be able to understand them. Going through speech and oral-method in society for the deaf is really difficult.

Anyway, it does not matter if we have a deaf child or a hearing child. We just have to learn to communicate with either one of them. Most often, most Deaf people really enjoy communicating with deaf children, because it is easier to communicate like a breeze. The hearing child can pick up everything what the hearing people say at school, at church, at recess and any other public places. For us, as Deaf people, we could not pick things up what is going around us. We always thought that hearing sons and daughters are trying to say that being deaf is wrong or bad. We don't want to use CI or not necessarily wear a hearing aids to help us hear the sounds.

We just want to be alone the way we are. So no pressure from hearing Audists like we had been pressured to hear and to speak and it was very frustrated back then. Maybe the OP's parents might have memories of what happened to them when they were in mainstream schools or other schools that won't allowed them to be as themselves with ASL. It is okay that you love your hearing children and hearing grandchildren, but don't condone us for saying that we abuse hearing children because we want to have deaf children. Look at all the hearing parents that want us to have hearing aids and CI without asking us. They want to put us in oral-only environments in the hearing world. That is abuse for us. They can not make us be what they want us to be. That is the whole problem with the hearing society. The AGB group and other Audists just don't get it. :mad:
 
As bad as this sounds, nobody should have to go through what you went through, buttkisses. I'm sorry you had to experience such thing in order to try to get your parents to understand where you are coming from.

I don't think it is exactly parental but yes, it would be cultural in a sense. Not because of the culture but because at most, it is about how they are able to live and feel the stronghold of being "same". I think, in order for one to shun it out must be really thinking of themselves instead of allowing the child to thrive or to set a precedent to share encouragement/affection rather than just looking downward on to you for your hearing status.

If I had 2 hearing children - Sure, it would be natural for me to go "Oh well, this kid is hearing" but I could not see how I would do that to my kids and to put them in a different boat just because they are hearing. I'd have treated them the same as they should be. It would not make a difference to me. But, now that I have 2 deaf children - Yes, I'm happy that I'm able to relate with them and to communicate with them but I would still treat them as a normal child regardless of their hearing/deaf status.

I've known of a lot of people who were shunned out of their families just because they are deaf. So, I can get the gist of where you are coming from. You want your parents to love you for who you are, not just because of your hearing status.

So, to say it is cultural or parental, Neither way would set it. It is about how one would want the child to be the same as they are or even be better than them. I believe the culture plays a huge influence but yet, I think it is because of how they were to perceive it by living through it.

Again, I'm sorry you had to go through this but do, take a step at a time.
 
I apperciate all the responses. I would like to make something clear. communication was never a problem with my parents as far as ASL. It was my first language and like I said I am very fluent and have been mistaken as a deaf person time and time again. If I never said I was a hearing person in a Deaf club that I never attended I would be accepted as a Deaf person. I understand the culture quite well, because I went to all the deaf functions and all the frustrations with my parents. I continued as an Adult and went on to be a nationally certified Interpreter at the highest level. So far as to have interpreted for a vice president, and for many senators I was also years ago the signer in the bubble for several TV programs. STILL this was not enough for my parents, they WANT and WISH I were deaf. When I was 5 I tried to poke my ear drums out with a pencil, thats how much I waned my parents to love and accept me like they did my deaf siblings. I have pointed out that IF I were deaf I could have never acomplished the things I have and because I am so fluent (because of them) I have led a very sucessful life as a hearing person. They don't care!! They also wish my children to be Deaf inspite of the accomplishments they have made as hearing children. My son has gone on in the service and has done quite well fighting for our country. My daughter is in the process of going to the Air Force. They don't care.

I did sign some of the songs at our concerts as a child, and so did my class, and the only thing my parents could do was say, "they didn't sign it right"

I have bent over backwards to be a parrt of their world, to undestand them, to understand their culture, their needs, their language, their frusstrations and even went to bat for them on many occassions for their rights. I rejoyced with them when Closed captioning and TTYs came out, partly because I no longer had to sit beside the tv and interpret and no longer had to be their phone interpreter. What more do I have to do?? I say NOTHING, except walk away because I understand now, the culture and their deafness is more important to them than their own hearing child. Their lives are focused on their deafness and they are too blind to see the love I have for them and the love my children have. I am done.

I got my answer, it is both cultural and parental. I thank all of you for your understanding and all your input. I hope perhaps my story has made all of you stop and think and maybe understand. LOVE your chiildren, rasing them is not an easy job but it is a gift from God, and no matter if they are hearing or Deaf, it is up to you to make sure they grow up knowing they have parents that love them for who they are not what you wish they could be.

I am starting my life over and it is going to be a hard thing, because I love my parents deeply, but love souldn't be this hard, and it shouldn't hurt this much. I have accepted that what hey have done and what they continue to do is abuse and they hide behind their deafness and there is NO excuse for treating anyone this way, deaf/Deaf Hearing/ hearie HOH or not.
 
I wonder if anyone ever watched a movie called "Willow" where everyone is culturally short? This reminds me of it. But anyway, It seem like your parents did go to your concert enough to say they didn't sign right. I'm sure they have told you they love you and celebrated your birthday and etc. And I'm sure they made sure you were well fed too. But if they didn't do any of that, then yep, you were definitely abused.

My hearing parents did all that for me (birthdays, told me they loved me, etc) , but they also played favorite too with my younger hearing sister. They would do everything for her, and little for me. My mom often tell me that she blame herself for my hearing loss and that she wished I could hear. It really hurt too.

all my outside family played favorite too. You know, they take the time to add my sister (she rarely add the family as she really doesn't cared, not even me) to their Myspace and facebook family, but not a single one of them make an effort to add me. When they run into me, after they asked how I'm doing, they immediately ask how is my sister. They have no interests knowing more about me. Just my sister.

I hate to say it, but favoritism happen to alot of family.. But don't leave deafness a bad taste because your parents used your hearing to played favoritism (in my case, it had to do with deafness).
 
faire_jour said:
I am so sorry your parents treated you this way. I am hearing but I have a Deaf daughter. I do not intend to have anymore children because they will be hearing. I do not want my daughter to feel singled out and alone because of her hearing status, but that is exactly what your parents did. I'm sorry. You are right, they were very wrong to treat you this way.
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My parents did that too, and I have to say it sucks. I would give a lot to have siblings, whether hearing or deaf.

I could have coped just fine with their hearing status if they were hearing.
 
Bottesini said:
My parents did that too, and I have to say it sucks. I would give a lot to have siblings, whether hearing or deaf.

I could have coped just fine with their hearing status if they were hearing.
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In response to faire_jour and you...

A family member doesn't have to be singled out cause of a difference. That's a choice the family makes. We have control over if we're going to treat a Deaf or hearing child differently. We might not be able to control society but we should be able to make our family a safe place.
 
buttkisses said:
I apperciate all the responses. I would like to make something clear. communication was never a problem with my parents as far as ASL. It was my first language and like I said I am very fluent and have been mistaken as a deaf person time and time again. If I never said I was a hearing person in a Deaf club that I never attended I would be accepted as a Deaf person. I understand the culture quite well, because I went to all the deaf functions and all the frustrations with my parents. I continued as an Adult and went on to be a nationally certified Interpreter at the highest level. So far as to have interpreted for a vice president, and for many senators I was also years ago the signer in the bubble for several TV programs. STILL this was not enough for my parents, they WANT and WISH I were deaf. When I was 5 I tried to poke my ear drums out with a pencil, thats how much I waned my parents to love and accept me like they did my deaf siblings. I have pointed out that IF I were deaf I could have never acomplished the things I have and because I am so fluent (because of them) I have led a very sucessful life as a hearing person. They don't care!! They also wish my children to be Deaf inspite of the accomplishments they have made as hearing children. My son has gone on in the service and has done quite well fighting for our country. My daughter is in the process of going to the Air Force. They don't care.

I did sign some of the songs at our concerts as a child, and so did my class, and the only thing my parents could do was say, "they didn't sign it right"

I have bent over backwards to be a parrt of their world, to undestand them, to understand their culture, their needs, their language, their frusstrations and even went to bat for them on many occassions for their rights. I rejoyced with them when Closed captioning and TTYs came out, partly because I no longer had to sit beside the tv and interpret and no longer had to be their phone interpreter. What more do I have to do?? I say NOTHING, except walk away because I understand now, the culture and their deafness is more important to them than their own hearing child. Their lives are focused on their deafness and they are too blind to see the love I have for them and the love my children have. I am done.

I got my answer, it is both cultural and parental. I thank all of you for your understanding and all your input. I hope perhaps my story has made all of you stop and think and maybe understand. LOVE your chiildren, rasing them is not an easy job but it is a gift from God, and no matter if they are hearing or Deaf, it is up to you to make sure they grow up knowing they have parents that love them for who they are not what you wish they could be.

I am starting my life over and it is going to be a hard thing, because I love my parents deeply, but love souldn't be this hard, and it shouldn't hurt this much. I have accepted that what hey have done and what they continue to do is abuse and they hide behind their deafness and there is NO excuse for treating anyone this way, deaf/Deaf Hearing/ hearie HOH or not.
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It is their loss.

I cant imagine doing that to my own hearing children. They both know ASL but I never told them that I wished that they were deaf. Your situation sounds like an extreme case.
 
Bottesini said:
My parents did that too, and I have to say it sucks. I would give a lot to have siblings, whether hearing or deaf.

I could have coped just fine with their hearing status if they were hearing.
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I agree...I thank god the drs didnt tell my parents that they had a good chance of having another deaf child before having my brother, otherwise he wouldn't be here. They had planned on having more but after finding out that my brother was deaf, they refused to try for more until after the divorce and with other people. As a result, I have 1 full brother who is deaf and 4 half brothers who are all hearing.
 
It breaks my heart to see parents use deafness as a reason not to have more children. Just goes to show people really see deafness as less than hearing.
 
Shel, that's sad. Other issues probably contributed to the divorce, but it seems like deafness was a main part of it. You've obviously turned out a well-adjusted adult, though, and I'm glad that you have a sibling from your parents marriage.
 
CJB said:
It breaks my heart to see parents use deafness as a reason not to have more children. Just goes to show people really see deafness as less than hearing.
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I know!!! Ugh!
 
sallylou said:
Shel, that's sad. Other issues probably contributed to the divorce, but it seems like deafness was a main part of it. You've obviously turned out a well-adjusted adult, though, and I'm glad that you have a sibling from your parents marriage.
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I think our deafness played a small part. My parents' personalities clashed big time. I cant imagine them together now. My dad didnt care if we were deaf but my mom was the one who grieved. To this day, I'll bet she wishes that we were both hearing but probably not as much as before.
 
Some people spend their lives wishing for the life they don't have instead of living the life that they do have.
 
I have bent over backwards to be a parrt of their world, to undestand them, to understand their culture, their needs, their language, their frusstrations and even went to bat for them on many occassions for their rights. I rejoyced with them when Closed captioning and TTYs came out, partly because I no longer had to sit beside the tv and interpret and no longer had to be their phone interpreter. What more do I have to do?? I say NOTHING, except walk away because I understand now, the culture and their deafness is more important to them than their own hearing child. Their lives are focused on their deafness and they are too blind to see the love I have for them and the love my children have. I am done.
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When I was little, no one interpret anything for me. No TV, phone, etc. They were technologies for the hearing that belong the hearing people only. So I've always felt that it is a hearing person's job to interpret what another hearing person is saying. Kinda like Spanish speaking person who translate what another Spanish speaking person is saying in English if it is important. Just saying.
 
CJB said:
It breaks my heart to see parents use deafness as a reason not to have more children. Just goes to show people really see deafness as less than hearing.
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me too. same idea for deaf parents who knew that their babies are going to be hearing kiddos. Like i did, i did expect to have hearing kids. I went for it and i have two hearing kids.
 
Frisky Feline said:
me too. same idea for deaf parents who knew that their babies are going to be hearing kiddos. Like i did, i did expect to have hearing kids. I went for it and i have two hearing kids.
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That too. I just want to have kids to love. I don't care if they can hear or not.
 
LOVE your chiildren, rasing them is not an easy job but it is a gift from God, and no matter if they are hearing or Deaf, it is up to you to make sure they grow up knowing they have parents that love them for who they are not what you wish they could be.
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Amen!
 
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