Think daughter is audist...

[rebeccalj]

Currently, she is not willing to use the ASL she already knows. She offered to do that if Mom pays the ransom of one audi chart.

Ransom! Yes! Plus, I am self employed as consultant and do not currently have medical coverage. Even *if* chose to get audiogram, for myself only, do not think it is covered unless go to one of those 'free' hearing clinic tests where they will, no doubt, try to sell me HAs or CIs.

Ya'll are giving me *great* words to use with her when we revisit this conversation.

 

[deafskeptic]

My goldfish for lived 8 years .

I don't think I'd trust me with a goldfish.

 

[DeafBadger]

Hearing Loss Sampler

Thanks for the link! I passed it on to some hearie friends... "This is what you sound like to me!!" hehe

 

[rebeccalj]

Rebecca, have you told your daughter this:

Also my own fault because try to be 'hearie' whole life because that is what parents want me to be. I know it seem like sudden change for them but this has been coming for over 5 years now.

I know she's seen it, but have you actually talked to her about how long you have been "pretending hearing"?

But I know how my mother would have reacted if I had been your daughter. "Because I'm your mother and I said so."

Interesting you mention bolded because boyfriend and I have talk this morning and he say same thing. I cannot remember if ever tell youngest what own mother like to me. Hurts too much to talk and then I start crying when I discuss subject but maybe *need* to so they understand better? Think only ever tell them that my mother should never have been mother.

 

[rebeccalj]

This daughter which text me?

Yes, same daughter.

 

[mbrek]

She is on the cusp of adulthood here, and it's probably too late in the game to throw down the "You must do thus and so because I'm your mother!" line.

FYI, I wasn't suggesting that. I didn't even like hearing it myself - it always sounded (and still does) pointless.

But I do like the idea of hitting her in the pocket book. *You're* paying the cell phone bill so *she* can communicate with you, right?

It won't take her much time to learn some basic words and fingerspelling... especially if her cell phone suddenly dies and she has more free time!

 

[rebeccalj]

I don't know anyone who grew up HoH that didn't bluff. I don't think that is the issue and I wouldn't blame yourself for it. Trust me, nobody can bluff that good, hearing people know, especially someone who lives with you.

I totally understand how you feel about the test, but the test isn't for you, it's just a bargaining chip. It's just to get rid of an excuse.

In the end, your daughter is going to figure out the communication issue.

I think you should work with your other two children and this one will follow.

I have three daughters (27, 25 and 18) and a son (16). My son tends to take lead from 18 year old but at least, since he met a deaf girl at a party, seems more open to sign. Go figure.:roll:

I also understand test is 'bargaining' chip but is this fair for child to ask of Mum?

 

[Beach girl]

No.

But if she genuinely does not understand how deafness affects you - and how it might potentially affect her - then it might be a good idea to make an appointment with an audiologist or perhaps a medical doctor specializing in hearing issues, *for her,* so the expert can explain any genetic issues with hearing loss (that might affect her or her children), your need to have good communication, and so on.

 

[mbrek]

^^^No. Not fair at all to ask. You shouldn't need to prove it to her with a doctor's audiogram or even a note from your mother.

 

[rebeccalj]

I learned a long time ago that people in my position are on their own, but, you know something, that's OK because we're made of a lot more than other people think. We are strong enough to survive in a life that is against us and the people we let into our lives are privileged, it's not the other way around.

I do not make an effort to have other people conform to my life, but this is not the path everyone can or should take. In the end, each of us must decide what we want out of life and what is important because we are only here for a short time.

I may feel that the OP would be better off without her daughter, but, clearly, that's not in her best interest. It is not what she wants and not everyone is the same. So, I have to put my own feelings aside and think of what is best for her.

I am sorry for what you are going through, but it is part of what people in your position go through and there is no one size fits all answer. You have to take each situation and deal with it. I hope things get better for you.

Better off without my daughter? God, did I read that right? I would *never* be better off without her. She was born 3 month premature and thought to be deaf, blind, cerebral palsy. The fact that she miracle, alone, make me *so* thankful to have in my life. That she *my* child! I would *NEVER* be better off without her.

I'm just trying to find a compromise. Not sever a relationship to a much loved and much cared for child.

 

[mbrek]

I may feel that the OP would be better off without her daughter, but, clearly, that's not in her best interest.

Really?!?!?


Please tell me I misunderstood you.

 

[rebeccalj]

They stopped being your ears? Wonder how long they were doing that before you realized it. Hope you get this resolved fast. Her break from university will re-occur during Christmas/New Years. Not much time from now. She needs to gain about 3 years of maturity in the next few weeks.

Honestly do not realize doing that until post thread here about something to do with, "Does it bother your kids that they hear for you?" Maybe use CODA in title. Cannot remember. *DO* remember, how do you say, backlash? from posters, Botti in particular, giving me whatfor for expecting children to hear for me 'off work' hours. Waking me up in morning because never hear alarm.

Felt horrible about that and stopped. Immediately. Was not something I did *all* the time but enough that *I* realize probably rely on them too much to hear for me. Is why consider Service Dog and get AD dog from hell in hopes that he can be trained but then decide to just keep as puppy.

Maybe daughter harbour resentment over that? Do not know. Maybe she worry that if learn *own* language will not *need* her as much? Who knows how mind of teenage future adult work?

But, yes, agree she need to mature. FAST!!

 

[deafskeptic]

Better off without my daughter? God, did I read that right? I would *never* be better off without her.

Really?!?!?


Please tell me I misunderstood you.

I'm appalled. If your daughter was a danger to others or extremeley emotionally abusive, I'd agree. This is not the case here.

 

[jillio]

I understand your opinion. And, you think that the respect is of greater value then her daughter learning ASL? I disagree. I think her learning ASL would be of greater value.

Her learning ASL because it will improve communication with her mother should be the goal. Not challenging her mother to produce an audiogram.

 

[rebeccalj]

English is not easy for deaf/HOH.

Exactly! Been speaking and trying to write proper English my whole life. It is still as draining as it was when I was five.

Try to explain this all, in joint message to *all* my kids, and she is only one who 'flip out?'

 

[rebeccalj]

Can you tell her that? That it's so out of character with the amazing and loving daughter you know her to be, that it's hard for you to understand this change?

That might open the door to a respectful, one-on-one conversation, where you can both talk about your feelings about this.

She is on the cusp of adulthood here, and it's probably too late in the game to throw down the "You must do thus and so because I'm your mother!" line.

Good suggestion. Will mention that.

And never been kind of mother who say, "Because I told you." Always try to give reason for request so they can debate reason or not. Usually not debate.

 

[jillio]

I have three daughters (27, 25 and 18) and a son (16). My son tends to take lead from 18 year old but at least, since he met a deaf girl at a party, seems more open to sign. Go figure.:roll:

I also understand test is 'bargaining' chip but is this fair for child to ask of Mum?

No, it isn't. And she needs to understand how unfair and hurtful her behavior is.

 

[jillio]

It could be. Maybe she feels it needs to be give and take on both sides. ASL is not easy for hearing people. You might be right.

Wow! Shall I say the "a" word?

 

[Journey]

"Think there must be a solution here that she and I can live with and not have me catering to her. Been doing that my whole f-ing life and sick of it now." (post #100)

In my mind I do not understand why Mum should accommodate daughter.

Maybe you answered your own question? :shrug: Mother/daughter relationships can be tricky at the best of times. After many years you are opening up to a different type of lifestyle, seeking positive changes for yourself. Also daughter is going through positive changes for herself but maybe just wants the consistency of how things were at home and with you in amongst all the changes going on. The comfortable anchor in the storm? Maybe she is afraid of changing how things worked between the two of you?

 

[rebeccalj]

This makes sense. Your daughter is asking for the audiogram because she doesn't believe you need ASL.

My daughter is asking for audiogram because *she* doesn't believe *she* needs ASL. To me, there is difference. I have *always* needed ASL and for my first few years that was only language I knew.

They always know Mumma 'deaf'. Their whole life. Difference is that I *always* lip read. Always try to speak 'hearie' to them. Use hearing aides eventually which really did not help. Always try accommodate them. She not used to me immersing in Deaf culture and language. Too much of a change for her, perhaps.