Think daughter is audist...

[rebeccalj]

I can remember when the telephones started having a volume control for HOH people. I told my mother if she got a phone like that for me I would put a safety bar in my bathtub for her. I kept my part of the deal and when traveled 3,000 to visit my mother I thought there would be a phone I could use at her house. My mother never got the phone! I was really hurt! My own mother did not get it how hard it for me to talk on phone. My mom had incredible good hearing . When made calls about TV shows having no CC I tell the person I am talking to they should go home one night mute their TV and turn on the CC and try watching TV for awhile!!

I remember reading that and it is *SO* hurtful that own flesh and blood cannot accomodate us and yet mere strangers seem so helpful.

I've stopped using the phone altogether and finally just cancelled the home line. Nobody ever uses it.

 

[VacationGuy234]

I'm uneasy about going for another test. Mixed feelings. Do I go get a useless test that will tell me what I already know just because my daughter demands it? Is this not, how say, pandering to child instead of child respecting parent? There has to be compromise/solution somewhere.

Plus, I *despise* those tests. Always come out of there feeling like a martian because learned to cope so well as 'hearie' and always feel like they want to 'fix' me. Would probably flip? out if go and they suggest different hearing aide. Do not think qualify for CI and wouldn't do that anyway. Hearing is over-rated IMHO.

Botti I think hit part of this on head when she say that now that daughter at university there really is not the same point for her to learn. But, when she come home on breaks it will be harder for her to communicate because I am immersing myself in language and culture. She is the one who will miss out.

I don't know anyone who grew up HoH that didn't bluff. I don't think that is the issue and I wouldn't blame yourself for it. Trust me, nobody can bluff that good, hearing people know, especially someone who lives with you.

I totally understand how you feel about the test, but the test isn't for you, it's just a bargaining chip. It's just to get rid of an excuse.

In the end, your daughter is going to figure out the communication issue.

I think you should work with your other two children and this one will follow.

 

[rebeccalj]

That may be, but is the hearing test of greater importance than a better relationship with her daughter?

Do you know of a better way?

I do not think you understand. My daughter and I are best buddies. Very, very close. Even her own best friends come to me for advice and support, instead of their own parents, so must be doing something right.

This is *ONLY* area that she seem defensive about. She is amazing, smart and beautiful young woman. Feel lucky that have such amazing daughter.

I actually start to think about how, for most of their life (my youngest two in particular), until I join here really, that I always have them hear from me. That I rely on them too much to hear for me. I think it was Botti who posted, rather blunt, that I need to stop that. And I did. Immediately. This may be tied to that but will need to talk to her more about it to see if this root of problem.

 

[deafskeptic]

Yes, I believe that her learning ASL is of great value but speaking from experience, by giving in is more likely will further enable her daughter's excuses for not learning ASL. I made that very same mistake with my own daughter.

It is emotional blackmail and currently, my ex hubby and my daughter are trying to emotionally blackmail me and this time, I am putting my foot down. I used to compromise and all that crap thinking I would get some respect...


FAILED.

It hurts like hell but I know if I give in agian, they will just keep doing it again and again like they did in the past two years. I am fed up.

This situation sounds exactly what I am going through.

It hurts like a M**(((^^^%**. It is soooo easy to give in but then it would mean this behavior would keep on continuing...then more heartbreak for the mother.

Well said, Shel.

 

[saywhatkid]

I do not think you understand. My daughter and I are best buddies. Very, very close. Even her own best friends come to me for advice and support, instead of their own parents, so must be doing something right.

This is *ONLY* area that she seem defensive about. She is amazing, smart and beautiful young woman. Feel lucky that have such amazing daughter.

I actually start to think about how, for most of their life (my youngest two in particular), until I join here really, that I always have them hear from me. That I rely on them too much to hear for me. I think it was Botti who posted, rather blunt, that I need to stop that. And I did. Immediately. This may be tied to that but will need to talk to her more about it to see if this root of problem.

They stopped being your ears? Wonder how long they were doing that before you realized it. Hope you get this resolved fast. Her break from university will re-occur during Christmas/New Years. Not much time from now. She needs to gain about 3 years of maturity in the next few weeks.

 

[rebeccalj]

1. Why would you? She either WANT to do it or not.
I would say "no I am not going to give you no effing hearing test.
I am deaf, I can't understand speech well, and that's it,
and you are not going to dispute that, EVER!"

2. I was wondering, when you were raising your daughter, did you feel guilty
whenever you couldn't hear her and she was in distress?
sometimes deaf parents overcompensate and apologize when that happens, and this can make children feel entitled to have/do
to what they really shouldn't,
do you think that is what could have happened?

3. You mentioned about some stimulator, I am very interested in this as I have similar problems with my family - while they understand I can't hear well
they don't get the idea what sensori-neural loss mean, I would love to make them "see". Could you point me to the links, please?

Fuzzy

1) Agree! So angry to accommodate hearies whole life now is my turn to be accommodated. Such a small thing, really.

2) Yes, just post about their childhood and maybe part is that always rely on them to hear for me. Example, to daughter, "What did they just say?" Always asking what other people say. When they newborn their father, who also deaf in one ear, have to listen for them in night if in distress and he always bring baby to me. So, yes, possible that I now over-compensate and feel almost guilty for asking for basic communication rights with them. Interesting comment.

3) I believe Shel posted this some time back but very helpful to give my colleagues and friends and family that, because I'm severe/profound, they sound like person underwater speaking to me. Do not think daughter listened to it though.:roll:

Hearing Loss Sampler

 

[VacationGuy234]

I actually start to think about how, for most of their life (my youngest two in particular), until I join here really, that I always have them hear from me. That I rely on them too much to hear for me. I think it was Botti who posted, rather blunt, that I need to stop that. And I did. Immediately. This may be tied to that but will need to talk to her more about it to see if this root of problem.

It could be. Maybe she feels it needs to be give and take on both sides. ASL is not easy for hearing people. You might be right.

 

[saywhatkid]

It could be. Maybe she feels it needs to be give and take on both sides. ASL is not easy for hearing people. You might be right.

English is not easy for deaf/HOH.

 

[Beach girl]

They *can* be but she has always been amazing daughter. No complaints at all except she is door slammer for awhile and get nickname. This seem *so* out of character for her to be like this which make it hard to understand.



*SO* proud of all my babies. The youngest in particular because so close and treat each other so much respect.

Can you tell her that? That it's so out of character with the amazing and loving daughter you know her to be, that it's hard for you to understand this change?

That might open the door to a respectful, one-on-one conversation, where you can both talk about your feelings about this.

She is on the cusp of adulthood here, and it's probably too late in the game to throw down the "You must do thus and so because I'm your mother!" line.

 

[rebeccalj]

All those who pointed out about the struggle over the audiogram, it's a good point.

That's really weird. It seems like her daughter wants to take control and make Rebecca jump through hoops.

To me, strange also. But this whole communication is making me think about how she have always heard for me until about a year ago when I stop. Maybe she feel more like 'parent' a little in our relationship sometimes? It sure came across like that at dinner the other night. As though my mother was telling me what to do all over again.:roll:

Plus, I *know* she hates my broken English, written or verbal. I explain to her how challenging it has always been to speak/write in sentences. She just hates it and, moreso in this last year, expressing more anger about that. I give her links to information, to educate her, but she is impatient with it. My older two daughters *get* it and my son's (16) comments are, "Mum, I already *know* that!"

Still, it isn't as though I was not independent. I spend most of my life as single professionally employed working mother. Not like I'm incapable of, how do you say, being capable on my own. Maybe she is expressing resentment for the times that I *needed* her help?

Kind of like a light went on for me the more I think about this.

 

[VacationGuy234]

English is not easy for deaf/HOH.

Point taken, I understand that as well.

 

[rebeccalj]

And you say that behavior is acting as an adult? Whoo!



Exactly. NONE.



Enough said. I totally take Rebecca's side on this. I would never condone an 18-year old daughter's demands for an audiogram before thinking to consent to trying to learn ASL. I feel for Rebecca. Sorry you don't, VacationGuy. Is it a guy thing for you? Pride?

This happen Tuesday night and have been *SO* upset about it that it take until today to finally talk about it.

Can hardly wait to see if yahoo audist come in here to tell me *I'm* being unreasonable again. :roll:

 

[rebeccalj]

Hey!!! Careful there labelling all the guys. I already told you guys what I would have done. A reality check, hockey style.

I should get her younger brother to get her on ice with his hockey team.

 

[VacationGuy234]

I actually start to think about how, for most of their life (my youngest two in particular), until I join here really, that I always have them hear from me. That I rely on them too much to hear for me. I think it was Botti who posted, rather blunt, that I need to stop that. And I did. Immediately. This may be tied to that but will need to talk to her more about it to see if this root of problem.

This makes sense. Your daughter is asking for the audiogram because she doesn't believe you need ASL.

 

[Beach girl]

Do you think there's any possibility that she might be feeling overwhelmed with her college classes, and asking her to learn ASL right now might feel to her like more of a time commitment than she can realistically give?

You said she knew some, so I guess she has some foundation in it, is that right?

 

[rebeccalj]

I did not say that behavior is acting like an adult. I said her daughter is an adult, not some 16 year old.

And, I never said I didn't feel for the OP. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here trying to help her. I could easily not answer this post.

If you think you know all about someone's family from a 100+ word post, sorry, that's pride.

And, it's not lost on me that all of you are her friends(and I respect that), but trying to scare off other people who have a different opinion doesn't help her or anyone else who reads the thread.

So, you may not like the answers I post, but don't mistake my post for being vindictive because there is no ill will here.

I appreciate that your replies come from kindness. I also know that several people who post in thread know me *off* AD so likely have, how say, maybe larger picture of who I am.

Any advice or comments is welcome because, as a person who is analytically inclined, it make me think about big picture.

But, is also nice to see posts of support for the Mum. Me.

In my mind I do not understand why Mum should accommodate daughter.

 

[whatdidyousay!]

Fish are a pain in the butt to care for. You're supposed to change their water every so often, and be careful to keep it the proper temperature, proper mix of chemicals (fluoride is bad, if I'm remembering right - so tap water has to be treated), don't feed too much or too little... Gaaahhh.

My family tried for a while to have goldfish when we were kids, but they never lived very long. They are trickier than you would think to care for properly.

My goldfish for lived 8 years .

 

[rebeccalj]

Yes, I believe that her learning ASL is of great value but speaking from experience, by giving in is more likely will further enable her daughter's excuses for not learning ASL. I made that very same mistake with my own daughter.

It is emotional blackmail and currently, my ex hubby and my daughter are trying to emotionally blackmail me and this time, I am putting my foot down. I used to compromise and all that crap thinking I would get some respect...


FAILED.

It hurts like hell but I know if I give in agian, they will just keep doing it again and again like they did in the past two years. I am fed up.

This situation sounds exactly what I am going through.

It hurts like a M**(((^^^%**. It is soooo easy to give in but then it would mean this behavior would keep on continuing...then more heartbreak for the mother.

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL!!! Yes!! That is *exactly* how it feels. It's a sensitive area for me and my kids know this. An area where, with them, maybe have not found 'voice' (not speaking voice) but, in this case, I feel *have* to be stern on.

Boy oh boy, Shel, feel *SO* much what you go through right now.

 

[Beach girl]

Y'all are much, much better fish care-takers than we were.

 

[deafskeptic]

To me, strange also. But this whole communication is making me think about how she have always heard for me until about a year ago when I stop. Maybe she feel more like 'parent' a little in our relationship sometimes? It sure came across like that at dinner the other night. As though my mother was telling me what to do all over again.:roll:

Plus, I *know* she hates my broken English, written or verbal. I explain to her how challenging it has always been to speak/write in sentences. She just hates it and, moreso in this last year, expressing more anger about that. I give her links to information, to educate her, but she is impatient with it. My older two daughters *get* it and my son's (16) comments are, "Mum, I already *know* that!"

Still, it isn't as though I was not independent. I spend most of my life as single professionally employed working mother. Not like I'm incapable of, how do you say, being capable on my own. Maybe she is expressing resentment for the times that I *needed* her help?

Kind of like a light went on for me the more I think about this.

Broken English? Your English seems fine to me.