Forgive me. I need to rant. I need to get it out.

I watched, "Desperate Housewives" show on Sundays, but it is not exact between you and your mother it is just an ideal situation. I couldn't find the story on the website about Lynette Scavo and her mother. Do you ever watch the show? I am sorry that I didn't help you enough about it.

:hmm: Maybe, you could make a "secret" pot cake for your mother so that the pot would make her calm down and relax herself without any verbal abuse during the visitation. Sorry, my bad.
 
I completely understand what you're going through, I have a mother who had made my twin sister and I miserable for so long. It's a very long story, but to make it short my mother never had accepted our deafness, the moment she found out that we were losing our hearing, she wanted to leave us and walk away forever.

We had cut her out for a couple years, we realized this is just who she is, we can't change her, she has to change herself, and she's still our mother so we got to love her unconditionally, but, things will never be the same between us.

I would not advise you to cut ties with your mother because that decision has to be made by you. You have to do what's best for you, your husband and your child. Good luck ;)
 
Cheri said:
I would not advise you to cut ties with your mother because that decision has to be made by you. You have to do what's best for you, your husband and your child. Good luck ;)

.
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I don't think the OP is wanting us to make her decision for her. I think she is looking to broaden her base of possible strategies, their potential virtues and limitations, in order to better reach an informed decision of her own.

All we can do is tell her what we might do, or have done, and why.

Humor is my tool of choice for all situations.
 
Thanks so much everyone for your advice, sympathy, and overall support. I seriously need it. My mother will be here Friday. As far as 'cutting ties' with her...that's not really the road I was hoping to go, you know? I mean, she is my mother. I know, definatly and completely what some of you were saying, and I know that you are offering the best advice you have. There are lots of times when I think about it. But, I mean, I don't really want to move to another country...and I am kind of hoping that quitting my relationship with her will not have to happen, or, at least, that it will be a last resort. I do love her, you see. And I do have some good memories of her, and prehaps, most importantly of all, I'm a mother now. I know that if my baby ever hated me enough to stop talking to me, I'd die. Plain and simple.

I did try to 'talk' to her. Now, I'm not known for my strength of personality, and as usual, it didn't exactly go as I was hoping. I told her that I was hoping that we could all get along, for the baby's sake, if nothing else, and that we could avoid any arguments. She said 'Well, I don't plan to be a problem. I don't want there to be any stress. I just want what is best for you and baby (meaning that we should eave my husband and go home with her, basically).'

If she says anything like that to my darling husband, then I will have to ask her to leave. Jason isn't perfect, but I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me. He really tries to be good about the fact that I don't hear well and he helps me on so many issues.

I get so angry because she won't tell me why she took us away from daddy a year when I was child, especially since I was abused as a result. This seems so unfair. But every time I suggest, however mildly, that I have a right to know, she flatly refuses. This seems so unfair and so wrong. Please, everyone, please keep me in your thoughts. If you pray, pray that I have the strength to be an adult, to shield my child and my husband, to tell my mother no when I have to tell her no. I hope for the strength to be real about my hearing loss. It's worse then when she saw me last, and I don't know how that's going to go. Most of all, I hope that I have the strength to love her, despite herself.
 
November Gypsy said:
Thank you for your response. It does help. My husband tried the 'tough love' thing on her, and I even tried it....writing her a long email (because when I talk to her, I can't get more then two sentence done before she is offended and deeply wronged and interrups). She apologized when I wrote the email. Then, a three days later, went back to the same behavior. I wonder sometimes if she is really ill somehow. It's as if she is beyond denial and really unable to see how she treats others.
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My gf's mom is the exact same way. We've tried sending emails, talking things out, but she always cuts us off, and anything that we say that she disagrees with, she just writes off as us being young, and immature, and rude. It's starting to seem like it's impossible to get through to her. She always gives this fake "Oh, well I understand..." and then continues the exact same behavior.

November Gypsy said:
I did try to 'talk' to her. Now, I'm not known for my strength of personality, and as usual, it didn't exactly go as I was hoping. I told her that I was hoping that we could all get along, for the baby's sake, if nothing else, and that we could avoid any arguments. She said 'Well, I don't plan to be a problem. I don't want there to be any stress. I just want what is best for you and baby (meaning that we should eave my husband and go home with her, basically).'

If she says anything like that to my darling husband, then I will have to ask her to leave. Jason isn't perfect, but I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me. He really tries to be good about the fact that I don't hear well and he helps me on so many issues.
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Since I'm coming more from your husband's side of this situation, I kind of wanted to add something about that. Obviously I don't know either of you, and I'm sure you communicate well, but just make sure that you talk to your husband a lot while she's there. I know that it's hard for me a lot of the time, because I don't want to get in a fight with my gf's parents, and it's not my place to say a lot of the things that I want to. It's hard, though, because my gf isn't good at standing up to her parents either, and by trying to make them happy, sometimes I feel like she's choosing them over me. Even though I know she isn't, it's hard when I just want to smack them upside the head, and she still tries to act like a happy, respectful daughter.

I just know how hard this type of situation can be on a relationship, so I would advise worrying more about how your husband is feeling than your mother. She can't make you do anything, can't make you move, can't make you leave your husband or your baby, even if she can make you feel guilty about not doing what she wants. Just remember that she's not in charge anymore. You have your own life, and your own family, and if she doesn't want to be a part of it the way it is, then that's her choice, and she needs to deal with the consequences. Not you.

Stay strong, and good luck. :hug:
 
Presumably your mum will only be visiting for a short time. My advise is to be patient with her and avoid arguments. Before long she'll be going home and you can get on with your lives.
 
As hard and unpleasant it may be. Your mom is traveling your way to visit you.

Give her a chance. If she acts up just tell her. This is your home. for her to respect it and this is your husband. To respect him in your home. If she can not abide by that. Show her the door. It may hurt her and you at the time being. But you can not allow someone to continuously control your life, and create stress. If she does not understand that. Then it is not you, it is her.

I do understand the stress of having someone. That is not a pleasant to be around, in your own house.

I sure hope you all can work it out for the best of all of you. :hug:

Good luck. :)
 
90% 0f my conversation with my wife's mother consists of her saying, "That is NOT funny, Mike."
 
Berry said:
90% 0f my conversation with my wife's mother consists of her saying, "That is NOT funny, Mike."
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Oh you poor dear!!! :giggle: Don't mean to laugh!

A lot of my conversations with my Mother in Law is. My son likes it this way, and he likes it that way.

I am "like" Thinking! But never dare to say!! Only if Mom knew how he likes, ;) how I do it!! :naughty: If I would every say a such thing!! Then that would royalty piss her off!! :rofl:
 
I'm afraid I don 't have any good advice for November Gyspy... but I certainly can relate to November Gyspy. I've had problems with both of my parents. I'm quite certain one of my parents has a personality disorder and that it's is a cause of a lot of the problems in my family. I didn't grow up in an healthy family environment.

I've told my parents many times over how I felt about them treating me that way. They will ignore my wishes no matter what I say to them so I think the only solution is to sever all ties to them.

Once I told my mother if she complains about my housekeeping skills in my apt, she will not be welcome at my apt. We're not talking about mild complaining either. Being told that I can't function as a human being makes me very angry.

There has been times when I considered severing all ties to my parents.. I hope that by next year or so, I can move far enough that I don't have to deal with them very often.
 
Babyblue said:
As hard and unpleasant it may be. Your mom is traveling your way to visit you.

Give her a chance. If she acts up just tell her. This is your home. for her to respect it and this is your husband. To respect him in your home. If she can not abide by that. Show her the door. It may hurt her and you at the time being. But you can not allow someone to continuously control your life, and create stress. If she does not understand that. Then it is not you, it is her.

I do understand the stress of having someone. That is not a pleasant to be around, in your own house.

I sure hope you all can work it out for the best of all of you. :hug:

Good luck. :)
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Excellent advise, BB. Unfortunately, our family members are all just as human as we are. They can't always love us the way we need them to because of issues in their own past. We just have to find a way to accept that our family members are who they are.
 
Berry said:
90% 0f my conversation with my wife's mother consists of her saying, "That is NOT funny, Mike."
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You're lucky it's just your mother-in-law telling you that! I get it from all kinds of people!:lol:
 
jillio said:
Excellent advise, BB. Unfortunately, our family members are all just as human as we are. They can't always love us the way we need them to because of issues in their own past. We just have to find a way to accept that our family members are who they are.
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exactly! I do understand what you are saying. We can not always change our family members ways or mind.


But.... enough, is enough, for the time being. That is when it is time to show them the door. Why allow the visiting parent, create stress to the ones that does not want it. Due to the parent not wanting to deal with their own issues.

It does not mean that the child should stop loving the parent. It just means the fact that the child and grandchild does not need the stress.

Perhaps try again.

This issue could be vice versa!! as well.

Majority of children regardless. Love their parents!!!
and Majority of parents love their children!!!
 
Babyblue said:
exactly! I do understand what you are saying. We can not always change our family members ways or mind.


But.... enough, is enough, for the time being. That is when it is time to show them the door. Why allow the visiting parent, create stress to the ones that does not want it. Due to the parent not wanting to deal with their own issues.

It does not mean that the child should stop loving the parent. It just means the fact that the child and grandchild does not need the stress.

Perhaps try again.

This issue could be vice versa!! as well.

Majority of children regardless. Love their parents!!!
and Majority of parents love their children!!!
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Absolutely. Sometimes people are best loved at a distance.
 
lsfoster said:
My gf's mom is the exact same way. We've tried sending emails, talking things out, but she always cuts us off, and anything that we say that she disagrees with, she just writes off as us being young, and immature, and rude. It's starting to seem like it's impossible to get through to her. She always gives this fake "Oh, well I understand..." and then continues the exact same behavior.



Since I'm coming more from your husband's side of this situation, I kind of wanted to add something about that. Obviously I don't know either of you, and I'm sure you communicate well, but just make sure that you talk to your husband a lot while she's there. I know that it's hard for me a lot of the time, because I don't want to get in a fight with my gf's parents, and it's not my place to say a lot of the things that I want to. It's hard, though, because my gf isn't good at standing up to her parents either, and by trying to make them happy, sometimes I feel like she's choosing them over me. Even though I know she isn't, it's hard when I just want to smack them upside the head, and she still tries to act like a happy, respectful daughter.

I just know how hard this type of situation can be on a relationship, so I would advise worrying more about how your husband is feeling than your mother. She can't make you do anything, can't make you move, can't make you leave your husband or your baby, even if she can make you feel guilty about not doing what she wants. Just remember that she's not in charge anymore. You have your own life, and your own family, and if she doesn't want to be a part of it the way it is, then that's her choice, and she needs to deal with the consequences. Not you.

Stay strong, and good luck. :hug:
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Wow. Thanks! Seriously, I hadn't thought of it that way. It's very important to me that my husband understands that I absolutely love him and would always choose him over her. There's no competition. That was very helpful. I need stuff like that because Jason tends to bottle stuff sometimes and then explodes...and I didn't even know there was anything bothering him. So, again, thanks, and I'll be sure to pay extra special care of his feelings. I know he gets mad when I try to be respectful to her, and now I think I understand why!
 
November Gypsy.....

It's good healthy to get your pain out of your body. However, I have to complain that you're not from Southern as you mention you're in KY! :mad2:
 
I moved out of state because of my mother. Well, when I divorce and there is no place for me but back home. Yep, she picked up where she left off. Now I am out of state again.

You are doing everything to lessen the problem like I did. Hang in there as her visit is only temporary.
 
PowerON said:
November Gypsy.....

It's good healthy to get your pain out of your body. However, I have to complain that you're not from Southern as you mention you're in KY! :mad2:
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lol. Well...that one through me for a loop. I thought KY was southern. I'm orginally from NY and there we consider it a southern state. What do you consider it?
 
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