Forgive me. I need to rant. I need to get it out.

The choice seems crystal clear to me, that if she makes you miserable and you dread seeing her, you should just cut the tie and eliminate her from your life.
 
Bottesini said:
The choice seems crystal clear to me, that if she makes you miserable and you dread seeing her, you should just cut the tie and eliminate her from your life

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Actually that is probably what I would do... Or tease her until she either learned to laugh at herself or couldn't stand my refusal to take her seriously and she would eliminate me from her life.
 
November Gypsy said:
MY mother is coming to town. I haven't seen her in about six months, so you would think this would be a joyful occasion. I love my mother but I am terrifed and sick to think she going to be here, bringing all her tense energy to my peaceful little home. I know this sounds horrible. Please forgive me, but I really must talk about it.

My mother lives in NY and I live in KY. Now, there is a lot of reasons why I moved so far away. Some of them I can't go into, but one of the main causes for this quiet homebody to travel so far from her place of birth is because my mother is...challenging. She's one of those dominate, loud, self-assured, intelligent people who honestly assume that they are right in everything, that any mistake they make (no matter how painful to others) should be overlooked, while any wrong doing by others must be paid for by a life-time of apologies and deference. I am quiet, shy, withdrawn. She pushed and pushed me to be more outgoing while growing up. Even now, she refuses to understand why I have so much trouble talking on the phone (I happen to be hoh). She tells me she loves me, then tells me that she negelected my siblings to help me.

My mother is borders on mentally ill, I think, though she's never been diagnosed. She simply does not see that she doing anything wrong. She made it quite clear to me that I was a difficult child to raise. I was, don't get me wrong, but you see, the difference is that I admit and have tried to right my wrongs. My mother does not see that she screamed every day of my life until I moved out. She screamed for any reason you can think of. She yelled if you didn't turn a light off. I'm not joking. She doesn't see that by taking me and my siblings away from my dad for a year, she damaged us for the rest of our lives.I was abused during that time by the son of the man we lived with. She doesn't see that, when she did condsend to live with my dad again, she forced him and everyone else to walk on eggshells. There was always this feeling in the air that if we didn't please her, she would leave. She still won't tell us why she separated from dad during that time. And yet, any time I don't feel like going into details about my life, she lays a huge guilt trip on me. I married a man she doesn't know well and doesn't like. Naturally, then, she insists that he is controlling and unkind. He isn't. I love him with all my heart.

She insists that I 'come home' though my husband doesn't have a steady job and I don't have one at all. We don't have the money. She was always quick to say 'we can't afford that' when I was growing up, but now that I have moved away, it doesn't matter what we can't afford.

The last time she came to visit was the week after my daughter's birth. Casey (my baby) had spent a week in the NICU, most of time we didn't know if she was going to make it. Thank God with all my heart, she did. But the day after we brought her home (and came home ourselves, we'd been staying in a motel near the hospital) she came, announced but uninvited. I told her when she said she was coming that I thought she should wait a week or two, to let me get comfortable with the baby and let us all rest. I told her that I wouldn't be able to spend a lot of time visiting because I was sick from worry and exaustion and very busy with my fragile little one. She said she understood. She came and became very offended when I spent only a small portion of the day with her. She even claimed that my husband was forcing me to keep away from her. I was a wreck. Consquently, she and my husband had an altercantion, and now they don't get along. At all.

I don't know what to do. I love her, I really do, but I know she is going to expect to be entertained, that she and my husband are going to be at odds (not in a funny way like they have on sitcoms, but a very stressful, serious way). My baby is now 7 months old. She hasn't been around such stress since she was born. I am afraid she is going to be frightened and unhappy. I will not be able to handle that. I really won't. My baby is innocent and doesn't deserve it.

If anyone has any advice on how I can relax, or how I can make this go better, please tell me. I know I sound hard on my mom. I do love her and I know I was a difficult child. Please know that I don't think I'm perfect, I really don't,...I'm just so miserable right now.
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My advice is to just simply cut all ties with your mother. That's what I did with my dad's wife...she's done so much horrible shit to me and my sister that are forever unforgivable. You will be much happier once you have completely and permanently cut her out of your life like I have with my dad's wife. I feel much happier, safer, more at peace, more confident, and I don't hurt so much emotionally anymore. I feel so much better.

You should cut her out of your life for the sake of your baby. Your baby does not deserve to have a horrible and mean grandmother. It will only hurt her self-esteem. And you are right, your baby doesn't deserve it, and that she is innocent, so, please for the baby's sake, do not allow your mother to be around the baby. Get a restraining order on your mother if needed be. I WILL do that to my dad's wife if she ever comes around here. In fact, (along with the fact that I wanted to be with my wonderful fiance) she is one of the many reasons why I paid a friend to help me move clear across the country. In fact, maybe you actually should move clear across the GLOBE to get away from your mother. The more it costs for her to fly across the globe, the less likely she will come to your home and disrupt your family life. Australia would be a good place. Just a suggestion. You don't need to have your family life be disrupted, especially if you have a 7 month old baby who had a very difficult start at birth. Stress would be VERY bad for the baby. It could make her ill again.

Again, this is just my advice. Good luck, and :hug:
 
November Gypsy said:
Oh, thank you. My little angel. She is so dang beautiful. I really get blown away sometimes. She's so healthy now. I feel so blessed. Thanks for the hugs! I like KY. It's a lot more peaceful then NY, I'll tell you. The thing is...my mom thinks she is looking out for me. That's what makes it so hard...because she is so blind to her affect on me. When I've tried to explain she's been absolutely shocked and I felt too bad to push it further. I dunno. I just dunno. Sometimes I think about getting lost in Aussie with my family and changing our names. Grin. Don't quite mean that.
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You really should start thinking seriously about doing that. I've moved clear across the country to south Texas, and I no longer use my given first name, and when I get married I plan to change my first name to the nickname my fiance has given me, and to change my last name legally to my fiance's last name as well while keeping my middle name. I feel much safer, and I like the fact that I and my dad and his wife are at opposite ends of the country making it much difficult for them to disrupt my life, and I feel less tension in my life now. It's so much more peaceful now.
 
LuciaDisturbed said:
You really should start thinking seriously about doing that. I've moved clear across the country to south Texas, and I no longer use my given first name, and when I get married I plan to change my first name to the nickname my fiance has given me, and to change my last name legally to my fiance's last name as well while keeping my middle name. I feel much safer, and I like the fact that I and my dad and his wife are at opposite ends of the country making it much difficult for them to disrupt my life, and I feel less tension in my life now. It's so much more peaceful now.
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That's a bit extreme. I would NOT recommend her cutting ties with her mother for the simple fact that it's her mother. Every situation is different and much thought needs to be given to options before action is taken. I would recommend counseling in this case. Talking things over with a professional could only do alot of good .
 
Oceanbreeze said:
That's a bit extreme. I would NOT recommend her cutting ties with her mother for the simple fact that it's her mother. Every situation is different and much thought needs to be given to options before action is taken. I would recommend counseling in this case. Talking things over with a professional could only do alot of good .
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It's not extreme when the mother is like this. Counseling didn't do shit with my dad and his wife, all it has resulted in was a lot of screaming at each other and more abuse. The OP would be better off in Australia far away from her mother.
 
LuciaDisturbed said:
It's not extreme when the mother is like this. Counseling didn't do shit with my dad and his wife, all it has resulted in was a lot of screaming at each other and more abuse. The OP would be better off in Australia far away from her mother.
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That's very unrealistic and I hope the OP realizes this.
 
Bottesini said:
The choice seems crystal clear to me, that if she makes you miserable and you dread seeing her, you should just cut the tie and eliminate her from your life.
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I agree with you and Lucia.

My parents were sexually, physically and emotionally abusive to me from age 7-18. Once I moved out of the house, I no longer spoke to them until my mother contacted me in 2004 to tell me that she was planning to move into my apartment complex. Shortly after she did this, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. After I learned about her having cancer, our relationship improved tenfold. We became *much* closer and I was able to resolve all of the angry feelings I had towards her during my childhood and teenage years.
 
Oceanbreeze said:
That's a bit extreme. I would NOT recommend her cutting ties with her mother for the simple fact that it's her mother. Every situation is different and much thought needs to be given to options before action is taken. I would recommend counseling in this case. Talking things over with a professional could only do alot of good

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Extreme is sometimes good. Take it to the brink.

In chess the threat is often more effective than the action. But you can't bluff, the threat has to be real. People often become much more agreeable once they realize you can live without them.
 
Berry said:
Extreme is sometimes good. Take it to the brink.

In chess the threat is often more effective than the action. But you can't bluff, the threat has to be real. People often become much more agreeable once they realize you can live without them.
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:gpost:

This was true for my parents. Once I refused all contact with them, both changed the way they treated me and our relationship became stronger as a result. Both of them are gone now, but I feel better knowing that I was able to make peace and have a good relationship with them before they passed away.
 
Oceanbreeze said:
That's very unrealistic and I hope the OP realizes this.
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It's not unrealistic. If I had the ability to move clear across the country to get away from my dad and his wife, then most certainly the OP can move clear across the globe to get away from her mother.
 
Hear Again said:
If the OP is determined to make this happen, it is very well within the realm of possibility.
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Yep! I was determined for so many years to move as far away as I could possibly go, and three years ago I achieved this goal and moved from the Twin Cities area to South Texas. Took me three days on the road, but I did it. And I am so much happier! I feel so free! I have a peaceful life now!

Even my sister has moved away, first to Texas, Arizona, Minnesota, Arkansas, Florida, and now she is finally in Virginia on the Navy base. My two step-sisters (the daughters of my dad's wife) also have moved clear across the country as well, both live in Florida now. All 4 of us have refused to go home. No one can stand the old bitch. My step-sisters also doesn't want to expose their precious children to her, either...we have to protect them. My sister and I still do not have any children, but when we do, we will get restraining orders so that our dad and his wife cannot come anywhere near our children nor have any contact with our children - we do not want our children exposed to the same abuse that we endured.
 
I don't know what to say. November Gypsy, that is sooo sad when your mother has to make very unbearable behavior to disrupt your family. Maybe you can cut the tie off from your mother temporarily until she become calm and not be so bitchy and grouchy with you and your family. I don't like the way she did to you. There has to be some kind of solution to put up with your mother's behavior. She really need professional help on that and she will have to deal with psychologist or psychiatrist but if that don't work, then the only solution is tough love. Just don't let her come to your home until she behave like a responsible woman and knowing that you are adult with family of your own. I wish that maybe you can throw a pail of water or a pitcher of water at her to cool off that negative behavior that is bothering you very much. lol I am very sad for you and hope there is some way to handle this. :(
 
LuciaDisturbed said:
Yep! I was determined for so many years to move as far away as I could possibly go, and three years ago I achieved this goal and moved from the Twin Cities area to South Texas. Took me three days on the road, but I did it. And I am so much happier! I feel so free! I have a peaceful life now!
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You're proof that it can be done, Lucia. You had a goal and you were able to do what was necessary to make it happen.

I'm so glad that you're happy now! :D

I plan on moving to Arizona myself in a few months to get away from my family. One of my sisters tends to be very overprotective and it's getting unbearable for me to take.
 
LuciaDisturbed said:
It's not unrealistic. If I had the ability to move clear across the country to get away from my dad and his wife, then most certainly the OP can move clear across the globe to get away from her mother.
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Exactly. People move from one country to another all the time.
 
Hear Again said:
Exactly. People move from one country to another all the time.
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Yup. One of my good friends from Milwaukee, who I used to hang out with all the time, moved to France about 8 months ago. He is French-Canadian, and always wanted to go back to his homeland, and he did.
 
LuciaDisturbed said:
Yup. One of my good friends from Milwaukee, who I used to hang out with all the time, moved to France about 8 months ago. He is French-Canadian, and always wanted to go back to his homeland, and he did.
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That's awesome! :D I have a friend who moved from Milwaukee to Canada. She has been living in Canada now for the past 6 years.
 
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