Forgive me. I need to rant. I need to get it out.

[November Gypsy]

MY mother is coming to town. I haven't seen her in about six months, so you would think this would be a joyful occasion. I love my mother but I am terrifed and sick to think she going to be here, bringing all her tense energy to my peaceful little home. I know this sounds horrible. Please forgive me, but I really must talk about it.

My mother lives in NY and I live in KY. Now, there is a lot of reasons why I moved so far away. Some of them I can't go into, but one of the main causes for this quiet homebody to travel so far from her place of birth is because my mother is...challenging. She's one of those dominate, loud, self-assured, intelligent people who honestly assume that they are right in everything, that any mistake they make (no matter how painful to others) should be overlooked, while any wrong doing by others must be paid for by a life-time of apologies and deference. I am quiet, shy, withdrawn. She pushed and pushed me to be more outgoing while growing up. Even now, she refuses to understand why I have so much trouble talking on the phone (I happen to be hoh). She tells me she loves me, then tells me that she negelected my siblings to help me.

My mother is borders on mentally ill, I think, though she's never been diagnosed. She simply does not see that she doing anything wrong. She made it quite clear to me that I was a difficult child to raise. I was, don't get me wrong, but you see, the difference is that I admit and have tried to right my wrongs. My mother does not see that she screamed every day of my life until I moved out. She screamed for any reason you can think of. She yelled if you didn't turn a light off. I'm not joking. She doesn't see that by taking me and my siblings away from my dad for a year, she damaged us for the rest of our lives.I was abused during that time by the son of the man we lived with. She doesn't see that, when she did condsend to live with my dad again, she forced him and everyone else to walk on eggshells. There was always this feeling in the air that if we didn't please her, she would leave. She still won't tell us why she separated from dad during that time. And yet, any time I don't feel like going into details about my life, she lays a huge guilt trip on me. I married a man she doesn't know well and doesn't like. Naturally, then, she insists that he is controlling and unkind. He isn't. I love him with all my heart.

She insists that I 'come home' though my husband doesn't have a steady job and I don't have one at all. We don't have the money. She was always quick to say 'we can't afford that' when I was growing up, but now that I have moved away, it doesn't matter what we can't afford.

The last time she came to visit was the week after my daughter's birth. Casey (my baby) had spent a week in the NICU, most of time we didn't know if she was going to make it. Thank God with all my heart, she did. But the day after we brought her home (and came home ourselves, we'd been staying in a motel near the hospital) she came, announced but uninvited. I told her when she said she was coming that I thought she should wait a week or two, to let me get comfortable with the baby and let us all rest. I told her that I wouldn't be able to spend a lot of time visiting because I was sick from worry and exaustion and very busy with my fragile little one. She said she understood. She came and became very offended when I spent only a small portion of the day with her. She even claimed that my husband was forcing me to keep away from her. I was a wreck. Consquently, she and my husband had an altercantion, and now they don't get along. At all.

I don't know what to do. I love her, I really do, but I know she is going to expect to be entertained, that she and my husband are going to be at odds (not in a funny way like they have on sitcoms, but a very stressful, serious way). My baby is now 7 months old. She hasn't been around such stress since she was born. I am afraid she is going to be frightened and unhappy. I will not be able to handle that. I really won't. My baby is innocent and doesn't deserve it.

If anyone has any advice on how I can relax, or how I can make this go better, please tell me. I know I sound hard on my mom. I do love her and I know I was a difficult child. Please know that I don't think I'm perfect, I really don't,...I'm just so miserable right now.

 

[sara1981]

mostly family members always welcome visit their daughter or son-in-laws after baby born or before baby born whether daughter wont wanted mom help by their birth!

IF i got married somedays i would welcome my in-laws in house but i wouldnt kick out my own in-laws evers and watch their kids when i have baby somedays they can let my mom or mother in law share of grandchildren.

IF i have my own baby somedays and got happened as problems as breathing or whatevers types of baby's they i would worried and baby will stay nicu for few days till better.

my advice you,november gypsy but you can intives your family for visit for few days or weeks its your decision dues respectives to faraway from your family.

When my mom was expecting my brother 25 years ago and my grandmother staying with me when my mom gives birth my brother on new years day 1984.

 

[Oceanbreeze]

I have no advice, but I will say I understand why you moved so far away. I hope others can chime in with advice for you, but I will offer you my PM box if you ever need to vent as I truly understand where you're coming from!

 

[Berry]

I have had a lifetime of practice and you only have a short while, but I will tell you what I do with anyone like that: I tease them without mercy until they either give in and laugh at themselves or decide to try to kill me.

Also read The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense by Suzette Hayden Elgin.

My mother taught me well. When someone told her, "It wouldn't have happened if you had only listened to me."

My mother replied, "If I did it your way I would be you. Is there room enough for two of you in this house?"

When you say things like that smile.

 

[shel90]

Wow! That's a tough situation you are in. I wish I have good advice to give but I dont think I have since I dont have that problem with my mom.

My thinking is that if she continues to cause so much stress and anxiety in your lives, then maybe it is time for tough love.

It seems like your mother is in serious denial about her behavior and attitudes so unless she gets out of denial, she is probably not going to change any time soon.

Whatever u do, do not blame yourself for anything especially if she blames u for things that are beyond your control.

 

[November Gypsy]

I have had a lifetime of practice and you only have a short while, but I will tell you what I do with anyone like that: I tease them without mercy until they either give in and laugh at themselves or decide to try to kill me.

Also read The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense by Suzette Hayden Elgin.

My mother taught me well. When someone told her, "It wouldn't have happened if you had only listened to me."

My mother replied, "If I did it your way I would be you. Is there room enough for two of you in this house?"

When you say things like that smile.

Wow. I love that quote by your mom. And I'll check out that book. Thank you thank you for taking time to answer. It helps, it really does.

 

[November Gypsy]

Wow! That's a tough situation you are in. I wish I have good advice to give but I dont think I have since I dont have that problem with my mom.

My thinking is that if she continues to cause so much stress and anxiety in your lives, then maybe it is time for tough love.

It seems like your mother is in serious denial about her behavior and attitudes so unless she gets out of denial, she is probably not going to change any time soon.

Whatever u do, do not blame yourself for anything especially if she blames u for things that are beyond your control.

Thank you for your response. It does help. My husband tried the 'tough love' thing on her, and I even tried it....writing her a long email (because when I talk to her, I can't get more then two sentence done before she is offended and deeply wronged and interrups). She apologized when I wrote the email. Then, a three days later, went back to the same behavior. I wonder sometimes if she is really ill somehow. It's as if she is beyond denial and really unable to see how she treats others. Thank you thank you for your sympathy. The hugs help! It is hard not to blame myself. I was hyper, inattentive, clumsby, forgetful, shy, awkward, fat. I was just not the type of kid she wanted. I will never be sorry enough for it.

 

[dorothy5664]

I agree with Shel, it may be time for you to let mom know that you are an adult now and aren't willing to deal with her negative energy.

Other than that...VENT, GIRL, VENT.

 

[Adamsmomma]

Thank you for your response. It does help. My husband tried the 'tough love' thing on her, and I even tried it....writing her a long email (because when I talk to her, I can't get more then two sentence done before she is offended and deeply wronged and interrups). She apologized when I wrote the email. Then, a three days later, went back to the same behavior. I wonder sometimes if she is really ill somehow. It's as if she is beyond denial and really unable to see how she treats others. Thank you thank you for your sympathy. The hugs help! It is hard not to blame myself. I was hyper, inattentive, clumsby, forgetful, shy, awkward, fat. I was just not the type of kid she wanted. I will never be sorry enough for it.

I am so sorry that you're going thru this. I don't have a lot of advice for you just a hug . I'm in KY too, if you need to talk... pm me!!! Don't let your mom get the best of you... ok??? (Btw your little girl... omg adorable!!!)

 

[dorothy5664]

You don't have to be sorry for anything. And despite what you have said about your life growing up with mom, it sounds like you are on the right track to being a good mom to your precious little girl. Recognizing that your mom has all this negativity going on and not wanting to expose that little sweetie to it says a lot about you. Nothing to be sorry for at all.

 

[November Gypsy]

I am so sorry that you're going thru this. I don't have a lot of advice for you just a hug . I'm in KY too, if you need to talk... pm me!!! Don't let your mom get the best of you... ok??? (Btw your little girl... omg adorable!!!)

Oh, thank you. My little angel. She is so dang beautiful. I really get blown away sometimes. She's so healthy now. I feel so blessed. Thanks for the hugs! I like KY. It's a lot more peaceful then NY, I'll tell you. The thing is...my mom thinks she is looking out for me. That's what makes it so hard...because she is so blind to her affect on me. When I've tried to explain she's been absolutely shocked and I felt too bad to push it further. I dunno. I just dunno. Sometimes I think about getting lost in Aussie with my family and changing our names. Grin. Don't quite mean that.

 

[November Gypsy]

You don't have to be sorry for anything. And despite what you have said about your life growing up with mom, it sounds like you are on the right track to being a good mom to your precious little girl. Recognizing that your mom has all this negativity going on and not wanting to expose that little sweetie to it says a lot about you. Nothing to be sorry for at all.

I really appriecate that. I wake up at night in cold sweats afraid that I'm going to turn into her. That I'm going to wake up ten years from now and realize that I'm doing to Casey exactly what my mother did to me. I try to be so aware of it because I can't bear my little jewel to go through it. She is so special. Thank you, again.

 

[Berry]

I doubt anyone would have been the kid she wanted -- But you don't get the kids you want: You love the kids you have -- And if you were that kid you wouldn't be you.

But I suspect, judging solely on what you say; you are exactly what she wanted in a child. Someone she could berate and feel superior towards; a horrible trait in a parent, and a totally unfair conflict.

The answer is to love yourself as you are and for who you are.

 

[shel90]

I doubt anyone would have been the kid she wanted -- But you don't get the kids you want: You love the kids you have -- And if you were that kid you wouldn't be you.

But I suspect, judging solely on what you say; you are exactly what she wanted in a child. Someone she could berate and feel superior towards; a horrible trait in a parent, and a totally unfair conflict.

The answer is to love yourself as you are and for who you are.

As usual, your post is very insightful.


So, in summary, the faults lie with the mother.

 

[Adamsmomma]

I doubt anyone would have been the kid she wanted -- But you don't get the kids you want: You love the kids you have -- And if you were that kid you wouldn't be you.

But I suspect, judging solely on what you say; you are exactly what she wanted in a child. Someone she could berate and feel superior towards; a horrible trait in a parent, and a totally unfair conflict.

The answer is to love yourself as you are and for who you are.

This was the best advice!!!

 

[November Gypsy]

I doubt anyone would have been the kid she wanted -- But you don't get the kids you want: You love the kids you have -- And if you were that kid you wouldn't be you.

But I suspect, judging solely on what you say; you are exactly what she wanted in a child. Someone she could berate and feel superior towards; a horrible trait in a parent, and a totally unfair conflict.

The answer is to love yourself as you are and for who you are.

*smiles* Wow. Bit of a reality shock there. I never thought of it that way. It's true. I'm not exactly known for my backbone or my self-esteem. It's something that I have to work on. I really think though that my mother thinks she is doing what it is best. That's the worst part, because it's awful hard to tell someone to change when they believe completely they are right. Anyway, thanks again. Believe me, I may not be so good at looking out for myself, but when it comes to my baby, I will defend her in every way possible.

 

[November Gypsy]

I agree with Shel, it may be time for you to let mom know that you are an adult now and aren't willing to deal with her negative energy.

Other than that...VENT, GIRL, VENT.

*Grin* The vent, girl, vent really makes me feel good. It's nice to know it's ok. I am trying to find a way to let her know that...trouble is, she'll have no idea whatsoever what I'm talking about, insist that my husband poisoned my mind againist she, possible apologize vaguely for whatever I 'think' she's done, and then go on in the same way. Meanwhile, I still love her, but am beginning to understand that I can't subject my child to this, and that my husband doesn't deserve that kind of treatment either. (not that he'll take it, he's got plenty of gumpsion). The thing is, I have a feeling this is going to end in Jason (hubby) telling her to go home the first or second night of her visit. And, I will either have to deal with the guilt trips about it for the rest of my life, or I will have to tell her that I can't speak with her again until she gets help. Well...wonderful choices lay before me. But it sooooo helps to know people care!

 

[saywhatkid]

I recall reading this in an advice column many years ago: "You cannot be taken advantage of unless you give permission" I believe it was. Your husband and child are forced to suffer also. There is no easy way out of this. Be strong and let her criticism fall off of you like rain. There may come a time when you stand up to this pushy woman. Come back and tell us how it feels when that happens.

 

[Berry]

I really think though that my mother thinks she is doing what it is best. That's the worst part, because it's awful hard to tell someone to change when they believe completely they are right.

.

Believing you are right is no reason for causing harm to others, no matter how small or large. Almost everyone believes they are right. Having had friends and relatives who were cops I've heard stories of serial killers who thought they were ridding the world of evil and one man who raped a woman to teach her humility.

The point is you have beliefs also, and your beliefs are just as valid as her beliefs.

I recall reading this in an advice column many years ago: "You cannot be taken advantage of unless you give permission"
.

Oh yes.


And to go with that, "Every day you teach people how to treat you by what you will accept from them."

Never overlook the power of a stoney silence and an icy stare.

 

[dogmom]

I'll be thinking of you, November Gypsy!

A couple things I try to remember with my mom -whom I love dearly and I know she loves me but she does have the tendency for drama and wanting people to love her in a certain "way" - is that I can't change her, I can only change myself. Her reactions/behaviors have nothing to do with me and everything to do with who she is. She creates her own suffering by having this attachment to expectations or how things "should" be. She doesn't believe I had LD, she's said "no you don't" in conversations. And I just thought to myself - so it is, I cannot change what is -