A day in your shoes...

joycem137

joycem137

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I'm not sure if this is the appropriate forum for this, but I thought you all might be interested in this:

Just putting this up front: I am a hearing person, and I have no intention of trying to pretend to be deaf or anything like that. This situation occurred completely unintentionally, but I think it gave me pause to think about some things. Is some of this what deaf people experience all the time?


So, a few days ago, I lost my voice due to a cold. For the past two days, I've been unable to speak without pain. Since I'm studying ASL, I've been using a little ASL to try and augment my limited ability to communicate and reduce how much I'm using my voice.

I'm giving a talk on social justice in Cleveland, OH this week, so this morning I travelled from San Jose, CA to Cleveland. While at the airport, on the planes, etc, everyone was interpreting my silence and bits of sign as indications that I was deaf.

I wasn't intentionally trying to come off as deaf. In fact, I let people know I wasn't deaf every chance I had. Not that I minded being seen as deaf... I just don't want to be seen as pretending to be deaf, which I understand is very inappropriate/rude to many Deaf people.

I was fascinated by the reactions people had towards me. I interacted with a few clerks and fellow passengers. Some of the reactions were positive. Pretty much everyone I interacted with seemed genuinely interested in overcoming our communication barriers to accomplish whatever goals we had, such as purchasing things or whatever.

But also, there were some negative aspects and indications of various types of ignorance. For example, I think they assumed I was lipreading them, yet despite this assumption, they kept talking when I wasn't looking at them. They certainly weren't making it easy for me to do this supposed lipreading. The only "help" they offered to this lipreading was to do exaggerated lip movements when they spoke, which I understand actually makes it harder. I also found the passenger sitting next to me to be reluctant to try to engage in anything more than the most shallow of conversation with me. I think the most annoying thing I experienced was the look of what I assume to be abject *pity* people gave me when they discovered my inability to speak and assumed I was deaf.

(I note with interest that people were deciding I was deaf on the basis of my inability to speak, not based on any evaluation of my hearing. In fact, there were several times where I reacted to sounds in what I thought was an obvious way, but that didn't dissuade people. Hell... only painfully forcing my voice out seemed to get people to realize I wasn't deaf. That seems absolutely backwards.)

Towards the end of the day I went to go pick up my rental car at Enterprise. I'd had various reactions to being seen as deaf, but the people at Enterprise were the best, as far as I can tell as a hearing person studying ASL and learning about Deaf culture. When the guy at the front counter saw that I couldn't speak, he got up and started writing things down instead of trying to use his voice with me, which I understand is a better way to communicate a lot of the time. I quickly told him that I'm actually not deaf, and he apologized for the misunderstanding. But I told him also that I was very pleased that he thought to use pencil and paper instead of trying to use speech. I don't actually know the difference for most Deaf folks, but I'm pretty sure I've read that pencil and paper is more appropriate and easier than trying to understand someone speaking.

Later, another guy walked me out to the car and inspected it with me. We spoke a little, me whispering, him speaking very clearly to me, etc. I figured he knew I was hearing. But when he noticed me signing "thank you" at him, he finger spelled A-S-L at me with a questioning face. Apparently, even he had assumed I was deaf! We exchanged a sign conversation where I explained the real situation to him, that I was a hearing person that had temporarily lost her voice. He knew even less sign than me, though, so the conversation ended pretty quickly. Still, that was pretty cool, and I thought it great to have experienced two good experiences with this rental company.

On a side note, once I got to my destination, ate some food, and drank a lot of water, the pain in my throat started to subside, and as the night drew on, I was able to use my voice again. Hopefully, this trend will continue into tomorrow, so that by Wednesday I'll be vocal enough to give my talk.


While I don't claim to know what it is like to be Deaf now (Hell no!) that I've had this strange set of experiences today, I do think it has given me a lot to think about. I'm curious what comments Deaf folks might have about my experiences. Does any of this sound familiar, or did I just have one hell of a weird day?
 
I have a friend from Canada (not sure where) who comes to my area once a year for 2 months. HE had throat cancer an subsequently had surgery twice. After each surgery, he had to go for 1-2 years without speaking. He went with ASL and got very proficient. He loves the language and now, being able to talk again, he does talk, but prefers using ASL. He has had a lot of difficulties with people assuming he was deaf, and would not accept the fact that he wasn't permitted to talk. He is coming back again in December or January and will be here 3 months this time. He plans on being voice-off and using ASL all the time.
 
Wirelessly posted

That sounds like a pretty memorable day! It seemed like you were in an area pretty aware of deafness. If I'm out on my own and use ASL, people tend to just give me so blank stare. Writing seems to work well, but some will speak to me in response to my note, after writing that I'm deaf. Jeez! *face palm*
 
KittenEyez05 said:
Wirelessly posted

That sounds like a pretty memorable day! It seemed like you were in an area pretty aware of deafness. If I'm out on my own and use ASL, people tend to just give me so blank stare. Writing seems to work well, but some will speak to me in response to my note, after writing that I'm deaf. Jeez! *face palm*
Click to expand...

What I found is that the precision of sign seemed to make sense to a lot of people. I mean, only for simple stuff like "thank you" and "drink" and "water" and things like that. But it was still better than just random gestures and complete silence. People seemed to get what I was saying in these minor instances, even if they didn't understand the language I was using.

Of course, this is based on a handful of interactions during that day. I have no idea how well this would work in other environments.

A few people seemed to understand that I couldn't speak and gave me pen and paper to write things down, but only the front clerk at Enterprise thought to write things down when communicating information *TO* me. Hell, even the guy that used ASL with me was trying to talk to me. Since they presumably all thought I was deaf until I told them otherwise, I found it shocking that they were talking with their heads turned, while I wasn't looking at them, etc. Are hearing people really this dense usually?!
 
KristinaB said:
I have a friend from Canada (not sure where) who comes to my area once a year for 2 months. HE had throat cancer an subsequently had surgery twice. After each surgery, he had to go for 1-2 years without speaking. He went with ASL and got very proficient. He loves the language and now, being able to talk again, he does talk, but prefers using ASL. He has had a lot of difficulties with people assuming he was deaf, and would not accept the fact that he wasn't permitted to talk. He is coming back again in December or January and will be here 3 months this time. He plans on being voice-off and using ASL all the time.
Click to expand...

What difficulties did he have with people assuming he's deaf? People would not accept that he wasn't permitted to talk? You mean they would give him problems for it? I noticed throughout my day at the airport that I didn't have any *problems* per se with being seen as deaf. People seemed pretty cool with it, really, and not a single person was upset about it or anything.
 
If you had to start that day all over again but this time everybody knows sign language - how would you think your day will be?
 
joycem137 said:
What difficulties did he have with people assuming he's deaf? People would not accept that he wasn't permitted to talk? You mean they would give him problems for it? I noticed throughout my day at the airport that I didn't have any *problems* per se with being seen as deaf. People seemed pretty cool with it, really, and not a single person was upset about it or anything.
Click to expand...

Since he wrote down that he could hear and had to use ASL as it was easier than pen and paper, they gave him a lot of grief. They thought he was playing at being deaf. He was denied service at restaurants and other places. HE was ridiculed and quite a few would ask why he didn't have HA's or CI's. Most of his issues were while in Canada. Some were here in South Florida. While he is here, he stays with his Aunt & Uncle who are both Deaf and so where he goes, they go and he has no problem.
 
joycem137 said:
I'm not sure if this is the appropriate forum for this, but I thought you all might be interested in this:

Just putting this up front: I am a hearing person, and I have no intention of trying to pretend to be deaf or anything like that. This situation occurred completely unintentionally, but I think it gave me pause to think about some things. Is some of this what deaf people experience all the time?


So, a few days ago, I lost my voice due to a cold. For the past two days, I've been unable to speak without pain. Since I'm studying ASL, I've been using a little ASL to try and augment my limited ability to communicate and reduce how much I'm using my voice.

I'm giving a talk on social justice in Cleveland, OH this week, so this morning I travelled from San Jose, CA to Cleveland. While at the airport, on the planes, etc, everyone was interpreting my silence and bits of sign as indications that I was deaf.

I wasn't intentionally trying to come off as deaf. In fact, I let people know I wasn't deaf every chance I had. Not that I minded being seen as deaf... I just don't want to be seen as pretending to be deaf, which I understand is very inappropriate/rude to many Deaf people.

I was fascinated by the reactions people had towards me. I interacted with a few clerks and fellow passengers. Some of the reactions were positive. Pretty much everyone I interacted with seemed genuinely interested in overcoming our communication barriers to accomplish whatever goals we had, such as purchasing things or whatever.

But also, there were some negative aspects and indications of various types of ignorance. For example, I think they assumed I was lipreading them, yet despite this assumption, they kept talking when I wasn't looking at them. They certainly weren't making it easy for me to do this supposed lipreading. The only "help" they offered to this lipreading was to do exaggerated lip movements when they spoke, which I understand actually makes it harder. I also found the passenger sitting next to me to be reluctant to try to engage in anything more than the most shallow of conversation with me. I think the most annoying thing I experienced was the look of what I assume to be abject *pity* people gave me when they discovered my inability to speak and assumed I was deaf.

(I note with interest that people were deciding I was deaf on the basis of my inability to speak, not based on any evaluation of my hearing. In fact, there were several times where I reacted to sounds in what I thought was an obvious way, but that didn't dissuade people. Hell... only painfully forcing my voice out seemed to get people to realize I wasn't deaf. That seems absolutely backwards.)

Towards the end of the day I went to go pick up my rental car at Enterprise. I'd had various reactions to being seen as deaf, but the people at Enterprise were the best, as far as I can tell as a hearing person studying ASL and learning about Deaf culture. When the guy at the front counter saw that I couldn't speak, he got up and started writing things down instead of trying to use his voice with me, which I understand is a better way to communicate a lot of the time. I quickly told him that I'm actually not deaf, and he apologized for the misunderstanding. But I told him also that I was very pleased that he thought to use pencil and paper instead of trying to use speech. I don't actually know the difference for most Deaf folks, but I'm pretty sure I've read that pencil and paper is more appropriate and easier than trying to understand someone speaking.

Later, another guy walked me out to the car and inspected it with me. We spoke a little, me whispering, him speaking very clearly to me, etc. I figured he knew I was hearing. But when he noticed me signing "thank you" at him, he finger spelled A-S-L at me with a questioning face. Apparently, even he had assumed I was deaf! We exchanged a sign conversation where I explained the real situation to him, that I was a hearing person that had temporarily lost her voice. He knew even less sign than me, though, so the conversation ended pretty quickly. Still, that was pretty cool, and I thought it great to have experienced two good experiences with this rental company.

On a side note, once I got to my destination, ate some food, and drank a lot of water, the pain in my throat started to subside, and as the night drew on, I was able to use my voice again. Hopefully, this trend will continue into tomorrow, so that by Wednesday I'll be vocal enough to give my talk.


While I don't claim to know what it is like to be Deaf now (Hell no!) that I've had this strange set of experiences today, I do think it has given me a lot to think about. I'm curious what comments Deaf folks might have about my experiences. Does any of this sound familiar, or did I just have one hell of a weird day?
Click to expand...

I love the fact that you are open minded and aware enough to be able to draw the comparisons, and then conscientous enough to go to the people who can correct and supplement your observations. But, I would expect nothing less from someone giving a lecture on social justice!:wave

This is generally the way that true cross cultural understanding occurs. You experience something in your own life that has some degree of parallel to another person's experience and/or perspective. The old "AhHa!" moment. Most just are not aware and open enough to allow the lightbulb to come on, especially when hanging on for dear life to that hearing perspective. Glad to have one who is open arrive at AD.
 
joycem137 said:
What I found is that the precision of sign seemed to make sense to a lot of people. I mean, only for simple stuff like "thank you" and "drink" and "water" and things like that. But it was still better than just random gestures and complete silence. People seemed to get what I was saying in these minor instances, even if they didn't understand the language I was using.

Of course, this is based on a handful of interactions during that day. I have no idea how well this would work in other environments.

A few people seemed to understand that I couldn't speak and gave me pen and paper to write things down, but only the front clerk at Enterprise thought to write things down when communicating information *TO* me. Hell, even the guy that used ASL with me was trying to talk to me. Since they presumably all thought I was deaf until I told them otherwise, I found it shocking that they were talking with their heads turned, while I wasn't looking at them, etc. Are hearing people really this dense usually?!
Click to expand...

As a language, ASL can cross bridges that spoken languages can't. I would say it is because it is so concept oriented, rather than sound based. And yes, many are still that dense, or self absorbed, or unthinking, or whatever you want to call it.
 
Looks like your being open minded. That good.

I get mix reaction depending where I go out but it lot better than when I was teen cos I changed way I need get info from hearing people.

When I was teen my parents ALWAYS say I must use my voice and that way just causes me much more problems because if I use my voice and hearing people will refuse to write down on paper for me and they believe that if I am able to speak then I am able to understand them when they speak when I don't.

As soon I started college few years ago and stop going anywhere with my parents it became MUCH easier cos I never use my voice and just write down and show hearing people and most of them are very happy to write down back to me.
 
It just amazes me that people equate the ability to speak with the ability to hear. It just shows how interconnected the two are in the brains of hearing folks. I too find it easier sometimes to communicate voice off (when I cannot hear). This forces people to face the fact that I cannot hear them (because they cannot hear me).

Now if only I can get the idiots to stop equating hearing and intelligence... sigh.
 
Buffalo said:
If you had to start that day all over again but this time everybody knows sign language - how would you think your day will be?
Click to expand...

If everyone I met at the airport knew sign language as well as, if not better than I, the day would have gone completely unremarkably. I expect it would have been the same as any day I've gone there with my voice and English speaking skills intact.
 
Cheetah said:
It just amazes me that people equate the ability to speak with the ability to hear. It just shows how interconnected the two are in the brains of hearing folks. I too find it easier sometimes to communicate voice off (when I cannot hear). This forces people to face the fact that I cannot hear them (because they cannot hear me).

Now if only I can get the idiots to stop equating hearing and intelligence... sigh.
Click to expand...

I was talking with some friends about my experiences, and we came upon an interesting parallel. When people discovered I couldn't speak and assumed I was deaf, they gave me that pitying look, as though I was some pathetic creature that had huge limitations and stuff. As if I was stupid or something.

But we realized that there are many people that think similarly about a person that speaks a language they don't understand. I've seen folks that think that anyone that speaks Spanish and doesn't speak English is a diminished and less intelligent human being, for example.

There seems to be a parallel here. I wonder if, at least in America, many people decide you are stupid/disabled/diminished/whatever on the basis of how you inconvenience THEM. It's not about what your abilities are. It's how much they have to think about you being different. And when it comes to another language, or another mode of communication altogether as is the case with ASL, people feel quite inconvenienced and awkward.

But instead of owning that experience and accepting that they are limited, they project the limitation onto other people. The problem, as they see it, isn't that they don't know ASL or Spanish or whatever... It's that YOU don't understand English! Thus they remove all blame from themselves and are able to feel righteous and superior.

I'm sure there's more cultural stuff that goes into the equation of hearing and intelligence, but I wonder if this is a piece of it.
 
Speedy Hawk said:
Looks like your being open minded. That good.

I get mix reaction depending where I go out but it lot better than when I was teen cos I changed way I need get info from hearing people.

When I was teen my parents ALWAYS say I must use my voice and that way just causes me much more problems because if I use my voice and hearing people will refuse to write down on paper for me and they believe that if I am able to speak then I am able to understand them when they speak when I don't.

As soon I started college few years ago and stop going anywhere with my parents it became MUCH easier cos I never use my voice and just write down and show hearing people and most of them are very happy to write down back to me.
Click to expand...

Isn't it fascinating that doing something that ostensibly should make things easier for hearing people, i.e. using your voice... actually winds up making the whole interaction worse since they assume that if you have voice, you have hearing?

I'm glad things are easier for you now.

And wait... people actually *refused* to write things down for you?! As in you asked and they refuse?! That's incredible rude!
 
I was at a peace rally with my famliy and i was speaking to a woman and when she saw my purple HA and heard me speak , she looked at me with pity! She tiled her head to one side and gave me the most disgusting look of pity. GRR!
I wonder if people feel the need to yell at a person that had a stoke and are not able to talk?
 
joycem137 said:
Isn't it fascinating that doing something that ostensibly should make things easier for hearing people, i.e. using your voice... actually winds up making the whole interaction worse since they assume that if you have voice, you have hearing?

I'm glad things are easier for you now.

And wait... people actually *refused* to write things down for you?! As in you asked and they refuse?! That's incredible rude!
Click to expand...

Yeah they make it harder when I try make easier for them. Yes they refused write when when I ask them when using my voice.

Some reason not using my voice and just paper and pen gives them better response agreeing use paper and pen back.
 
jillio said:
I love the fact that you are open minded and aware enough to be able to draw the comparisons, and then conscientous enough to go to the people who can correct and supplement your observations. But, I would expect nothing less from someone giving a lecture on social justice!:wave

This is generally the way that true cross cultural understanding occurs. You experience something in your own life that has some degree of parallel to another person's experience and/or perspective. The old "AhHa!" moment. Most just are not aware and open enough to allow the lightbulb to come on, especially when hanging on for dear life to that hearing perspective. Glad to have one who is open arrive at AD.
Click to expand...

Well thank you! That's some wonderful praise! :ty:

Part of what I do as a speaker is try to help people have those "AhHa!" moments. I specifically don't "preach to the choir" in terms of my audience, and I try to come up with various ways of connecting my audience to the experience that I'm trying to relate.
 
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