Is It Appropriate To .....

[Maria]

Where did I say anything about Hawaii?...

Almost everyone here know about you wantin' to go to Hawaii for honeymoon. I remember you posted about it in a thread somewhere.

 

[Alex]

Alex, I am appalled about you trying to inject some tasteless "humor" into this thread.

Ok, maybe that was a bad little joke and I sincerely apologize if I offended anyone, including you DreamDeaf. Stupid me, yea.

 

[lilylover72]

Hi Angel, Please don't let Reba tell you what do. I don't agree with Reba. I think that you follow your heart and it is your wedding or whatever. I know many people don't like buy gifts because they don't know what buy gifts. They rather give money or gift cards.

I got lot of cash and gifts at my wedding. I didn't complain because I rather get cash.

My husband and I have very hard time to what buy gift for ourselves, or family or friends because we don't know what buy or what they like. We already have everything in our house. We don't want my family get upset if they don't like something that we buy. We always send gift cards. They said gift cards are very excellent because they can pick anything that they really want. for me, I don't like what my family give me sometimes because they are not my type. I don't want hurt their feeling. We don't use them and left them sitting for long time in storage. That was not good. That why we use gift card most time.

 

[Reba]

What do you say about those who registered at stores much as JcPenneys, Sears for their wedding gift (home accessories, colors of each rooms, silverware and fancy linens to the guests? Isn't that the same as being rude on their wish list?

That's not on the invitation. Guests can choose whether or not to access the registries.

Many people do it, there's should be nothing wrong with telling wedding guests to contribute cash towards the wedding couple's honeymoon.

IF the guest asks, that's fine. But that information should not be on the invitation.

... If a guest buy a coffee set, and the wedding couples already have a coffee set, what are they supposed to do with it? Return the new merchandise back to the store? How would they know which store a guest brought it from. It's a pain in the ass to ask every guest for receipts for product to replacement or exchange, when they did not even wish to want or needed. It's like asking 100 people for receipts. Seriously, would you do that? I wouldn't.

Most stores now offer "gift" receipts, if you want them. That is, when you buy a gift, request a "gift" receipt for it. You can include the gift receipt with the package. A gift receipt has all the store information included, except the price. You can use that to return or exchange the gift at the store, no problem.

Even if you are "stuck" with an extra coffee set, so what? Are you getting married just to accumulate gifts? If you get wonderful gifts that you can use, that's great, that's a "bonus" to the wedding. But if you only get gifts that you can't use or don't like, or you get no gifts at all, so what? That's not the reason for a wedding. Sure, it's nice and fun to get gifts but it certainly isn't necessary or the main focus of an event. (I hope not!)

 

[Maria]

Alex -- you need to wear a " clown " make up w/ a clown wig !!

 

[Roadrunner]

In some way, this thread is starting to take a different turn--thread started out simply asking for opinions on the topic for which this thread is concerned with.

Perhaps if I may, I also was raised up in a way that it wasn't 'proper' to ask for monetary gifts. That's the point, growing up in a world at the time when the majority considered it just that. Nowadays, in today's society, times have changed, customs, etiquette, etc., all have changed, trends do change, in most situations, cases will change over a period of time, gradually conforming to today's standards and ideals. I can recall back a few years ago where a couple I knew had requested monetary gifts in lieu of gifts. With that being done, the majority of the guests understood and complied. Henceforth, I don't personally see it now as something 'rude' to kindly request, afterall, it's being honest. There are couples that may have some things, items, etc.,...and don't or wouldn't want to be getting the kind of gifts that could be meaningless and not be able to use. Doesn't that obviously make more sense in today's world? The way we do things have greatly changed compared to decades ago...therefore, in my honest opinion...I don't personally think it's wrong nor is there really a 'correct' way of how certain things ought to be implemented, yet to request however a couple may desire or wish for is something more with the fact of simply being 'honest' with making such a request. Although, the bottom line here is when invitations are sent, it's usually the uttermost desire of a wedding couple to hope that those who gets the invitation, attend and share the 'special day'...and we all know for a fact that some will bring gifts, bringing up that 'request' of monetary gifts in lieu of actual gifts is preferred...is something I would consider as a simple and honest request.






~RR

 

[lilylover72]

Just because many people do things for years doesn't make it right.

If a guest to a birthday party or wedding wants to know what someone wants, they just ask. It should NEVER be printed in the invitation.

The word "invitation" means to request the presence (NOT presents) of people to share in a joyous event.

When in doubt about a gift, the guest can either ask, or give a gift certificate or money. That's the guest's decision.

Like I posted, this is a free country, and people don't need to follow the rules of etiquette. However, I think people should at least know what the rules are before they break them.

:roll: You think that just because many people do things for years doesn't make it right. You are wrong. We just follow our heart about our brithday or wedding or whatever. We have right to make own decision. That why many stores have hundred gift cards.

 

[Maria]

Hi Angel, Please don't let Reba tell you what do. I don't agree with Reba. I think that you follow your heart and it is your wedding or whatever. I know many people don't like buy gifts because they don't know what buy gifts. They rather give money or gift cards.

Well, Angel was ASKIN' a question in her thread : Is It Appropriate To ..... ask for money instead of gifts by writting it on the birthday or wedding invitations by letting your friends or families know what you prefer to get?

Soo, Reba have the right to say to answer to Angel's question.

 

[Reba]

Hi Angel, Please don't let Reba tell you what do. I don't agree with Reba.

Sigh...I don't know how to be more clear.

These are NOT "Reba's Rules". I'm only quoting the standard, traditional wedding etiquette rules. I'm linking to wedding etiquette experts to show what they say. They are not my rules, I didn't make them up, and no one needs to follow them.

I'm only stating what is "appropriate" and explaining the reasons. I don't expect anyone to "obey".

If you don't agree with me, you're really not agreeing with standard etiquette, not me.

 

[lilylover72]

Well, Angel was ASKIN' a question in her thread : Is It Appropriate To ..... ask for money instead of gifts by writting it on the birthday or wedding invitations by letting your friends or families know what you prefer to get?

Soo, Reba have the right to say to answer to Angel's question.

I know! Sigh, I just give my opinion. okay?

 

[Angel]

Almost everyone here know about you wantin' to go to Hawaii for honeymoon. I remember you posted about it in a thread somewhere.

:sigh: I only said I wish to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon yet I did not mention anything about Hawaii in THIS thread....

 

[lilylover72]

Sigh...I don't know how to be more clear.

These are NOT "Reba's Rules". I'm only quoting the standard, traditional wedding etiquette rules. I'm linking to wedding etiquette experts to show what they say. They are not my rules, I didn't make them up, and no one needs to follow them.

I'm only stating what is "appropriate" and explaining the reasons. I don't expect anyone to "obey".

If you don't agree with me, you're really not agreeing with standard etiquette, not me.

Sigh, We don't need follow wedding etiquette expert. Wedding or birthday or etc are not their. okay?

 

[Cheri]

That's not on the invitation. Guests can choose whether or not to access the registries.

Yes, they do leave a registry card in the invitation weather it's bridal shower nor wedding invitation. I've been to many weddings and have seen it.

Even if you are "stuck" with an extra coffee set, so what? Are you getting married just to accumulate gifts? If you get wonderful gifts that you can use, that's great, that's a "bonus" to the wedding. But if you only get gifts that you can't use or don't like, or you get no gifts at all, so what? That's not the reason for a wedding. Sure, it's nice and fun to get gifts but it certainly isn't necessary or the main focus of an event. (I hope not!)

You think guests should go to the wedding and eat free food, and not leaving a gift? I would consider that rude. :thumbd:


You can call it whatever you want a "bonus" but really those couples wouldn't even use it, it'll be hide in a storage, or in an attic. I would felt bad if someone didn't like my gift, that's why I always ask for their wishing list, what they would like to have for their home, or if they want cash, gift card. I would want them to like my gift, not be like this: "Oh, that's nice, Thanks!!" probably might never invite me again.

 

[DreamDeaf]

I found where the mention of Hawaii came up - it was in the Get to know Each other .. Game!!! thread...

43. IF YOU WON A ROUND TRIP TICKET TO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, WHERE WOULD YOU GO?

Hawaii

Angel did not say anything about going to Hawaii on a honeymoon - she was just answering a question, that's it.

 

[Reba]

...Perhaps if I may, I also was raised up in a way that it wasn't 'proper' to ask for monetary gifts. That's the point, growing up in a world at the time when the majority considered it just that. Nowadays, in today's society, times have changed, customs, etiquette, etc., all have changed, trends do change, in most situations, cases will change over a period of time, gradually conforming to today's standards and ideals.

I'm sorry RR, but the invitation standards of etiquette are current. That's why I posted links that are from today's modern wedding websites. They aren't old ones.

I can recall back a few years ago where a couple I knew had requested monetary gifts in lieu of gifts. With that being done, the majority of the guests understood and complied. Henceforth, I don't personally see it now as something 'rude' to kindly request, afterall, it's being honest. There are couples that may have some things, items, etc.,...and don't or wouldn't want to be getting the kind of gifts that could be meaningless and not be able to use. Doesn't that obviously make more sense in today's world?

The difference is in the direction of the gift. That is, asking for, or suggesting a gift without first being asked by the giver, is seen as greedy and rude. Responding to the giver's inquiry about preferred gifts is perfectly OK. But the receiver of the gift should wait until the giver of the gift asks. That's the difference.

It's the difference between "I want", and "what do you want." The "I" direction is greedy, the "you" direction is generous.

But like I said before, people are free to follow "opinions" instead of following "rules" if they want. This is America.

Whatever Angel decides, it's her wedding, and when the invitations are done, they're done. No more discussion after the fact. No criticisms, no "shoulda, woulda, coulda's". Finis.

 

[Reba]

Sigh, We don't need follow wedding etiquette expert. Wedding or birthday or etc are not their. okay?

Everyone is free to do whatever. Courtesy is not a law. People are not forced to do the "appropriate" thing.

 

[DreamDeaf]

But like I said before, people are free to follow "opinions" instead of following "rules" if they want. This is America.

Whatever Angel decides, it's her wedding, and when the invitations are done, they're done. No more discussion after the fact. No criticisms, no "shoulda, woulda, coulda's". Finis.

Exactly. It's her wedding, her invitation, her choice. This is America, land of the free and home of the brave.

 

[Reba]

Yes, they do leave a registry card in the invitation weather it's bridal shower nor wedding invitation. I've been to many weddings and have seen it.

Just because lots of people do something doesn't make it right.

You think guests should go to the wedding and eat free food, and not leaving a gift? I would consider that rude. :thumbd:

I never said that. I think it's rude to expect a gift in exchange for reception food. Why not just sell tickets to the event? :roll:

You can call it whatever you want a "bonus" but really those couples wouldn't even use it, it'll be hide in a storage, or in an attic. I would felt bad if someone didn't like my gift, that's why I always ask for their wishing list, what they would like to have for their home, or if they want cash, gift card.

You are correct to ask the couple what they want. That's fine. That's not the same as listing a request on the invitation.

I would want them to like my gift, not be like this: "Oh, that's nice, Thanks!!" probably might never invite me again.

Well, hopefully they won't have another wedding again anyway; hopefully they will stay married to each other.

Seriously, what kind of friend would decide to invite or not invite someone to an event based upon what kind of gift they will get? Do you really want that kind of a person for a friend? Do you really want to bribe your way into their celebrations?

 

[FeistyChick]

Ok, I think there's a little confusion here. Some members stated that there's nothing wrong with wanting money if they were asked what they want. If that's the case, then, yes, I agree that there's nothing wrong with asking for money rather than items only if they were asked.
But the question is, is it appropriate to ask for money, or anything for that matter. Different people have different opinions, but I was raised not to ask for or expect anything if I invited anyone to my birthday or special event, and I wouldn't be like that if I invited anyone to my future wedding. I mean, I hope there is one in the future.

In the past, when I was invited to someone's birthday, I have given them nice gifts, big or small, sometimes even money. It's a custom, and I think it's nice and thoughtful after being invited. It's sort of like a "Thank you for the invitation" gift. Of course, I wouldn't feel that way if I was invited and asked to get them what they wish for. As a matter of fact, that happened to me a few times in the past and I have rejected their invitations.

Like Reba said, invitations should be simply invitations, asking someone to be a guest and be a part of something special, not asking for anything in return. It just wouldn't be considered an invitation, know what I mean?

Next month AllDeaf is going to become 5 years old and it should be a special day when that day comes. Of course everyone is invited and maybe I should mention, in a nice way, that money is required to be a part of the celebration? >>> and SMARTASS TOO!

Just kidding.

I'm sorry Angel but your original question did ask what was "appropriate". Appropriate does mean "right", so it was a "right or wrong" question.
I'm just giving you the information about what's "appropriate"--that is, what is "right." It's not my "opinion". Please don't shoot the messenger. Etiquette has rules, the same as physics has rules. I can't say, "In my opinion, if I jump off this 10-story I won't fall to the ground" because the rule of gravity is in effect.

Etiquette sets up rules, not to be mean or strict, but to make life easier. It's so much easier to look up the rule and follow it, no hard feelings, than to ask for dozens of opinions and get conflicting personal answers.

i agree with alex and reba here... i was raised to not ask for anything and to ACCEPT things that they are ... if you ask for money or "reject" people's gifts... it is like having a "VERY POOR TASTE"/"POOR CLASS"... and people will remember that... for instance... i went to a wedding a few yrs ago... (we used to be very close).. she knew i was in the middle of exams and a A FEW DAYS away from graduation... i SACRAFICED my studies for two days to go to her wedding... what is more? i didn't have money at all... but i wanted to go to her wedding because i wanted to be there for her and share the special day with them too- even though i was OVERLY TIRED AND STRESSED OUT WITH THE EXAMS AS GRADUATION WAS A FEW DAYS AWAY..... i got her a "thoughtful" gift.. not something that she "registered" for.... know what she wrote to me (for thank you)??? she said... thanks for coming to our wedding.. blah blah... but we didn't like your gift.. it is not what we wanted from the registry (sp?)... we spent SO MUCH MONEY ON OUR WEDDING! this is not appropriate! blah blah!!! .....
MAN!!! that BLEW MY MIND!!! i was FLABBERGASTED BY THIS WHOLE THING.... :thumbd: this was not like her at all (she changed a lot after she met her bf/fiance)... i felt so sick in stomach... cuz she didn't appreciate our friendship, me sacraficing my studies, and driving all the way to her wedding.. (i almost go into an accident driving back to school since the wedding was 8 hours away (1 way) cuz i was overly exhausted and almost fell asleep on the road).... she didn't care about that.... - so i lost respect for her.... because it shows she didn't care about our friendship but the "money" part... our mutual friends were shocked and turned off by her too... VERY SAD...

another friend threw her hubby a birthday party 31 (she gave him one last year too)... she said in the invitation to please give money... it TURNED US OFF.. because he already had a 30th birthday bash last year... and she is giving another one because they want more money... that is VERRRY LOW CLASS/POOR TASTE!

this kind of situation also happened to a friend's friend who had a baby shower for the 2nd time??? because she WANTED MORE MONEY... and my friend was very upset about it because she didn't feel appreciated by her friend, etc

one time we had an engagement party... i didn't want one... but my ex fiance's mom insisted... so we registered and all that... another close freind of mine from childhood that i had not seen in years from the west coast came to the party!!! it was SO GREAT TO SEE HER!!! she said she couldn't afford a fancy gift and would make it up to me.. i said... hey! it is ok, i am just so glad to see you.. that is more important than anything else.... (a yr later she got me a very nice gift in which she didn't have to!) -- i was just thrilled that she flew 3,000 miles just to come to our engagement party!!! it MEANT SO MUCH TO ME!

my bf's grandfather had a big 90th birthday bash a few months ago... and he DIDN'T WANT GIFTS AT ALL... people didn't respect his wishes... they gave him lots of gifts (unwanted/or unnecessary ones).. he wasnt pleased about it because he didn't need them and also he lives in a very tiny 1 bedroom apt... where could he put all of his gifts???
my bf and i made him a big flannel blanket with his favorite baseball team... he LOVED IT... because it was a THOUGHTFUL GIFT from us... since we took the time to shop for the materials and make it out of our busy schedule... my bf's aunt and parent told us that he uses that blanket all the time because it is very useful because it MEANT A LOT TO HIM... (VERY SENTIMENTAL GIFT)...

so MY POINT IS... the "THOUGHT" of any gifts given should always count (because they took their time to go shopping, pick out what they thought would suit you (thought of you) ) ... no matter what... and you guys should show appreciation... regardless...

so i agree with reba and alex here....

remember i mentioned what etiquette books were??? i suggest you to get them... they are VERY USEFUL AND CAN BE VERY HELPFUL especially giving out delicate tips in situations like this... INSTEAD OF FEELING STUCK/TRAPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYONE'S OPINIONS!!!-- IT WILL MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN AND STRESS YOU OUT MORE AND MORE... it is JUST WORTHLESS! they don't cost a lot of money... i am sure you can afford one or your sister can get you one as a "sisterly love gift"... (i got some from my sister, aunts, etc)....

 

[UpstNYDesigner]

About asking for money in lieu of gifts.

While I agree with many of you. And many good points. For us, we are not rich at all and since we are middle aged and already have beens. That means my wife was married prior marrying me. Her husband died in the year 2000 and already have everything. For me, same deal. I was never married pretty much of half of my life living all by myself.

It is rude to ask for money on the invitation cards, period.

Best way is informal spreading the word since people will see that the invitations did not have "official" wedding gift registery from your favorite department store. People will then notice no registery then that is when they will ask you and you will be pleased to tell them you only need the money to cover the expenses of the wedding, honeymoon, moving, etc. They cost quite a bit these days!

Since we are middle aged, we asked for money by telling our guests in person, over the phone, or at work, etc. What we got MORE than needed! Wow! Rest are now invested for retirement that is another 30 years from now (for me), 25 for my wife.

What we did have for a 50 guests wedding was a very low budget but honeymoon a modest expenses for us. Here is the secret, we ordered our thank you gifts, I designed invitations and thank you cards and printed myself, bought 2 15 dollars (each) Mexican Wedding shirts for myself and my brother. I had black slacks. 15 dollars on sale for casual black shoes, cook our meals, etc. It was right on my sister's 44 acres farm by the pond, beautiful forest, dollar tiki torches, borrowed a party canopy tent, etc. It ran up to 500 dollars compared to my brother's 4,000 dollars wedding in 1996 and my sister's 4,000 dollars wedding in 1983!

Of course! Marriage license and the Justice of the Peace! Not bad!

Honeymoon, on another hand, a resort by the mountain 3 hours away (Catskill, NY) cost us 500 dollars for 4 nights/5 days! Not bad!

Remember this, must report for taxes since it is considered as gifts or income, depending on your state or country.