Psycho-social issues

[deafbajagal]

No, She has learned bits and pieces. but she does understand more and met many of my deaf friends.

That's good...she is making an effort.

 

[Babyblue]

I faked my happiness to anyone who was around me and lied about it. I even lied about it to myself. My mom thought I was growing up to be this happy self-confident deaf person who can communciate with hearing people. She was partly right..I could communicate with hearing people TO AN EXTENT but had no self-esteem left by the time I entered early adulthood and was so beyond ashamed of my deafness and so obsessed with the need to fit in like my hearing peers could fit in anywhere. It ended up distorting my perspectives of the world and of myself. Therapy and learning ASL changed all of that.

My mom said she had no idea how much I suffered growing up as a oral-only deaf person.

I used to hide my hearing aids. I would not pull my hair back, or allow a hair cut to reveal my hearing aids.

After I embraced my deafness. I no longer hide them.

It is a part of me. I learned after embracing being deaf/HOH. That it is who I am.

 

[shel90]

I never got the opportunity for deaf camps and what not. I was completely oral, completely mainstreamed, and completely ostracized. I was the 'different' kid, and quite honestly I was the class freak, the loner.

I never had a lasting friendship from school. They were sporadic at best. I would have a best friend for a year, then over the summer that friendship would die away because my summers were often spent at home watching TV all day. I never got the benefit of social groups or events except for softball, but even then I never really understood the game because after one game, the kids were leaving the dug out and high fiving each other, and I went to a lady and asked who won. Our team lost. That's when I realized I wasn't enjoying softball, I never knew what was going on, I was oblivious.

In school, I was always the loner kid, playing by myself in the corner of the playground. When I had a best friend, it was only for a short time. I was never a part of the 'cool' crowd like my brother was. I never had a date to the prom, I got booted out from my senior prom by a classmate simply because I was a freak.

I left that prom crying because I was hurt - I'm fighting back tears now just thinking about it and that was back in 2002. You'd think something like that a person would 'get over'. But you don't. Especially when everyone's idea of a high school prom is a magical one- and mine was far from that - a nightmarish one really.

When our class walked at graduation, and our principal said to pair up with someone you want to walk with. Everyone walked with some one - except me. No one wanted to walk with me. No one had wanted to be with me all those years and that was a hard blow to an 18 year old.

If I could travel back in time, I would beg my parents to let me go to ASD where there would be people like me there who would be more willing to accept me.

At ATU there are no other deaf students on campus that I am aware of. I wish I knew of another deafie on campus so that I could reach out and try to form a lasting bond for the first time in my life.

Another thing I am sad about is that everyone here can talk about growing up deaf, the deaf stories, jokes, and even certain terms that you know that I don't know which only tells me that I am not yet a full member of the deaf.

I am not hearing, but I am not fully deaf - it leaves me in a very isolated place.

My marriage was horrible, my ex would get mad at me and say things like "I'll give you a hundred dollars if you can tell me what I just said." Even my mom got in on this a little bit, it was very degrading.

I can't blame my hearing status entirely for a lifetime of bad relationships, but I wonder if I had friends who were in the same boat as me and we shared a common method of communication, I would wonder having that one best friend would be enough for me to feel confident about myself.

Basically what it comes down to is that not only am I achieving academic and professional goals as a person, but also I need someone there to tell me I'm good enough, and to have that lasting bond with someone. A lasting and meaningful relationship that apparently I missed out on as a child.

Wow! Here is a

Sure, I had friends, I played in sports, wasnt considered an outcast, and had prom dates BUT years after years of badgering my friends, peers, and teachers to repeat what was being said only to get the "face", rolled eyes, "neverminds", or "I will tell u later" made me withdraw more and more until I just sat with my friends and pretended to understand what everyone was saying even laughing along despite not knowing what everyone was laughing about. I had my best friend who was deaf also but she went to a different elementary school so I was the only deaf one at my elementary school. During my younger years, I would get invited to birthday parties and slumber parties but by 4th grade, those invitations became less frequent until they stopped. I thought we all outgrew them but thanks to FB, I am learning that we didnt...I just wasnt invited anymore. During my preteen and teen years, I spent a lot of time reading books all alone because books took me to a world where I had access to everything.

High school got better but due to the social dynamics, it was very difficult for me to really enjoy them. I did try my best to adhere to the hearing standards but I constantly failed so it was a different kind of loliness. The shame of failure.

My best friend told me she experienced the same thing but on a much more extreme level during our high school years. She gets anxiety attacks about venturing out to the hearing world so she is now withdrawing herself completely from the hearing world and only ventures out with deaf friends.

So much for assimiliating in the hearing world.

 

[shel90]

Wow.

Years later and there's still not direct communication between mother and son.

There is but on a very limited basis. However, with the rest of my family such as our other hearing brothers, dad, stepmom, aunts and cousins, there is absulotely no direct communication and I am the one who faciliates it.

 

[shel90]

I used to hide my hearing aids. I would not pull my hair back, or allow a hair cut to reveal my hearing aids.

After I embraced my deafness. I no longer hide them.

It is a part of me. I learned after embracing being deaf/HOH. That it is who I am.

Same here...refused to show my HAs and purposely break the FM system so I wouldnt have to wear the device.

Now, I dont hide my HAs not even bothered at all when someone askes me about them.

 

[Babyblue]

Same here...refused to show my HAs and purposely break the FM system so I wouldnt have to wear the device.

Now, I dont hide my HAs not even bothered at all when someone askes me about them.

When I was smaller. Preschool age. I threw them in the toilet and flushed them.

but when I started school. Especially Middle School. I would just freak when my battery died at school. I had to have them on. Remember... "I was suppose to be able to hear and talk like a hearing person" :roll:

That is how I thought at the time.

 

[Dixie]

Dixie: You were never a freak. You were a deaf child being raised orally. Your story mirrors the stories of many in the same boat.

And one phrase you said caught my eye> "I am not hearing, but I am not fully deaf."

Were you talking about being fully deaf from a social/cultural perspective or from a medical perspective?

I am medically deaf given that I am profoundly deaf in my left ear and hoh in my right ear.

What I meant is that I am deaf, but I never grew up deaf, I can function in the hearing world, but I can never fully fit in and integrate.

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle somewhere and not sure of which side I belong to.

 

[Babyblue]

I am medically deaf given that I am profoundly deaf in my left ear and hoh in my right ear.

What I meant is that I am deaf, but I never grew up deaf, I can function in the hearing world, but I can never fully fit in and integrate.

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle somewhere and not sure of which side I belong to.

I felt that way in the past. The thing is.... I have learned that I am on any side that welcomes me as a person in whole.

I socialize with my deaf friends and with my hearing friends.

Both sides understand who I am. I do not pick and choose what side to be on. I am a deaf person with hearing friends and deaf friends.

The fitting in part, goes with understanding, from both sides of who I hang out with.

 

[Dixie]

Wow! Here is a

Sure, I had friends, I played in sports, wasnt considered an outcast, and had prom dates BUT years after years of badgering my friends, peers, and teachers to repeat what was being said only to get the "face", rolled eyes, "neverminds", or "I will tell u later" made me withdraw more and more until I just sat with my friends and pretended to understand what everyone was saying even laughing along despite not knowing what everyone was laughing about. I had my best friend who was deaf also but she went to a different elementary school so I was the only deaf one at my elementary school. During my younger years, I would get invited to birthday parties and slumber parties but by 4th grade, those invitations became less frequent until they stopped. I thought we all outgrew them but thanks to FB, I am learning that we didnt...I just wasnt invited anymore. During my preteen and teen years, I spent a lot of time reading books all alone because books took me to a world where I had access to everything.

High school got better but due to the social dynamics, it was very difficult for me to really enjoy them. I did try my best to adhere to the hearing standards but I constantly failed so it was a different kind of loliness. The shame of failure.

My best friend told me she experienced the same thing but on a much more extreme level during our high school years. She gets anxiety attacks about venturing out to the hearing world so she is now withdrawing herself completely from the hearing world and only ventures out with deaf friends.

So much for assimiliating in the hearing world.

Thanks Shel
I always got the 'neverminds' 'I'll tell you later' and rolled eyes and even the "It's above your head" crap.

When you get this frequently enough, it becomes easier and less frustrating to just not communicate at all. So you dream and wander and you begin to float, and then eventually feeling the isolation and the inability reach out, you shut down, because others see you as the problem, you begin to take your anger out on yourself. This is where anorexia comes into play - even to this day I'm a bit obsessed about my weight, occassionally I'll relapse to the point that I sort of cave into myself in a way. I'll shut myself down on the inside, keep functioning somewhat on the outside, so as it not feel the pain from the outside and keep the pain from the inside from spilling to the outside.

I'm sure Jillio probably has a diagnosis for this. It's very hard to explain really.

There are days that I still struggle with the feeling of isolation. Like the other day I got to thinking about relationships and how all of mine have been complete crap at best and I just started bawling in the shower. When I realized I was standing stark naked in the shower and bawling my eyes out, I pulled myself back together somehow and went on about my day in a sad, pissed off mood. I think it didn't help that due to my work hours I am not able to spend much time with my DD which stresses me.

 

[Dixie]

I felt that way in the past. The thing is.... I have learned that I am on any side that welcomes me as a person in whole.

I socialize with my deaf friends and with my hearing friends.

Both sides understand who I am. I do not pick and choose what side to be on. I am a deaf person with hearing friends and deaf friends.

The fitting in part, goes with understanding, from both sides of who I hang out with.

I want to feel that way too, but thing is my socialization with hearing friends are two people outside work and those are rare, I want to socialize more but I'm afraid of becoming emotionally attached to these people only to have them move and I never see them again and I find myself alone again.

My social interaction with deaf people is limited to AD.com and the occasional text to FC. I guess what I crave is an honest face-to-face interaction in which I can fully understand the conversation, and do something fun together.

 

[faire_jour]

Wow....

Now I see why you're very anti-oralism. I think I have a different idea of what happens to a child raised in oralism than some people here....

Plus, damn! I can't imagine my life without CC!!!! I remember Nickelodeon back in the day had no CC. I was mad and asked my mom to help me write a letter to ask them to add CC. A few months later, it started appearing for some shows! Needless to say I was VERY happy! Of course, I doubt it had anything to do with the letter, but at the time, I was very young and naive, so I thought I made a huge difference!

I agree. I would never want a child to spend their days guessing what the teacher says. If an oral approach is to work, the child needs to be able to access the curriculum, which would mean through hearing, lipreading, note takers or real time captioning, etc. If they are not accessing the curriculum, they should not be in that placement.

 

[jillio]

Same here...refused to show my HAs and purposely break the FM system so I wouldnt have to wear the device.

Now, I dont hide my HAs not even bothered at all when someone askes me about them.

My son never refused to show his HA...couldn't very well with his hair short...but he did frequently break the FM system, or take the batteries out and hide them. He HATED it!

 

[jillio]

Thanks Shel
I always got the 'neverminds' 'I'll tell you later' and rolled eyes and even the "It's above your head" crap.

When you get this frequently enough, it becomes easier and less frustrating to just not communicate at all. So you dream and wander and you begin to float, and then eventually feeling the isolation and the inability reach out, you shut down, because others see you as the problem, you begin to take your anger out on yourself. This is where anorexia comes into play - even to this day I'm a bit obsessed about my weight, occassionally I'll relapse to the point that I sort of cave into myself in a way. I'll shut myself down on the inside, keep functioning somewhat on the outside, so as it not feel the pain from the outside and keep the pain from the inside from spilling to the outside.

I'm sure Jillio probably has a diagnosis for this. It's very hard to explain really.

There are days that I still struggle with the feeling of isolation. Like the other day I got to thinking about relationships and how all of mine have been complete crap at best and I just started bawling in the shower. When I realized I was standing stark naked in the shower and bawling my eyes out, I pulled myself back together somehow and went on about my day in a sad, pissed off mood. I think it didn't help that due to my work hours I am not able to spend much time with my DD which stresses me.

Yes, its called dissociation.

 

[Dixie]

I agree because my algebra tutor said, I had no trouble learning its that for some reason I never got the basics. This could be due to a lack of access to the instruction that was given. I saw what was written on the board, but I never fully understood it. I remember spending hours and hours over a simple 10 problem homework assignment, most other kids would have it completed in class, I would have maybe 1 problem completed before the bell rang.

Now I'm just glad that I passed college mathematics and that I am done with math. I hated math. Never understood it, never fully got it, I just wish I had the proper aids to give me full access to the instruction.

 

[jillio]

It just occurred to me.....you already know that your stories tug at my heart in a big way. It makes me incredibly sad that children would be put in the position of feeling these emotions and this kind of rejection and isolation. It truly breaks my heart, and is one of the motivating factors in my life to continue to work for change that will prevent it continuing to happen to deaf children. It just is not acceptable in my book.

However, I am also incredibly proud of each and every one of you for having had such strength of character that you were able to overcome such horrendous obstacles that were put in front of you through no fault of your own. You are all amazing people, and I stand in awe much of the time for what you have conquered. Not your deafness, we all know that doesn't need to be conquered, it simply needs to be lived with. But your courage, your sense of forgiveness, your strength, your honesty in telling your stories...it never ceases to amaze me. I hate the fact that anyone has had to endure some of the things you all have endured, and at the same time, have such a profound admiration for you for the way you have dealt with it. My hat is off to all of you. I am truly blessed to have had the opportunity to get to know such amazing people, and each and every one of you affects my life in a positive way. Thank you for being who you are.

 

[Bottesini]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Forgiveness??? hahahahahahah

 

[Dixie]

Yes, its called dissociation.

and I assume this is one of those coping-mechanisms I've learned to use to deal with the stress?

I'm just in one of those moods, and Ive been this way for the past several days. I just hope I'm not on the verge of another shut down.

 

[Babyblue]

It just occurred to me.....you already know that your stories tug at my heart in a big way. It makes me incredibly sad that children would be put in the position of feeling these emotions and this kind of rejection and isolation. It truly breaks my heart, and is one of the motivating factors in my life to continue to work for change that will prevent it continuing to happen to deaf children. It just is not acceptable in my book.

However, I am also incredibly proud of each and every one of you for having had such strength of character that you were able to overcome such horrendous obstacles that were put in front of you through no fault of your own. You are all amazing people, and I stand in awe much of the time for what you have conquered. Not your deafness, we all know that doesn't need to be conquered, it simply needs to be lived with. But your courage, your sense of forgiveness, your strength, your honesty in telling your stories...it never ceases to amaze me. I hate the fact that anyone has had to endure some of the things you all have endured, and at the same time, have such a profound admiration for you for the way you have dealt with it. My hat is off to all of you. I am truly blessed to have had the opportunity to get to know such amazing people, and each and every one of you affects my life in a positive way. Thank you for being who you are.

I can not speak for the others. I can only speak for myself.

Seeing some of these stories made me think..

 

[jillio]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Forgiveness??? hahahahahahah

Towards parents and family, not society as a whole. I see much more of the "they did the best they could" sentiment than "its all their fault" sentiment.

 

[jillio]

and I assume this is one of those coping-mechanisms I've learned to use to deal with the stress?

I'm just in one of those moods, and Ive been this way for the past several days. I just hope I'm not on the verge of another shut down.

Yes, exactly. When the stress gets to be too much, sometimes the only way to get away from what would otherwise be unbearable is to dissociate yourself emotionally, and sometimes mentally, from it.