Relationships. Pasts, Communication

DreamDeaf

New Member
You know - after all the excitement here on AD and in real life (IRL), I got to thinking...

Relationships can seem complicated, but can also be very simplistic - yet there are so many factors that can make or break a relationship. In a way, it's pretty sad.

I will do it this way - when I say partner, I mean any of these: spouse (husband or wife), lover (same-sex) and boyfriend/girlfriend.

Now - over the years, I've had quite a few partners - some of which I have remained friends with (2 are very close), some I'm cordial with and chat whenever I see them, and then there are two that I do not want to have any contact with.

In these relationships, I have had people warning me, telling me things - beware of this, beware of that, you know what, you have to know this, you better watch for that, and all that jazz... and I've had people telling my partners about my past, giving them warnings, telling them things about me...

Recently, there was a bit of a drama IRL - a good friend of mine went into a new relationship recently - and yes, you guessed it... quite a few people went after her partner, telling her about my friend's past - and I can tell you, no, they were NOT nice about it... in other words, they really stabbed my good friend and brought up a lot of her past issues. The new partner broke it off, and cited these sources as the reason why... of course, my friend got very upset and wanted to know why people had to bring the past up. Of course, I had no ready answer for that, but luckily, this new partner contacted me and I was able to tell her the truth - many of the 'facts' she had heard were very skewed and not all true - I was able to straighten some things out and contacted my good friend about what was going on. Now, they are both talking, and taking it easy - and I am relieved about that.

I know of another 'drama' that is still on-going - and I am sad about it... because this is another 'drama' that not need have happened, either. In this, I know that one person was 'very upset' about an ex-friend hooking up with the first person's EX-partner. Please understand me, this happened AFTER they broke up. In this, she has made things very unpleasant for both the ex-friend and ex-partner, yet she keeps stating that she's VERY HAPPY with her new life... go figure. However, she will not leave her ex-partner alone, and keeps contacting that person over and over and calling the ex-friend names and slandering that person's good name.

IMHO, there is no need for that - if they are no longer together, there is no need to keep harassing the ex-partner and then going after the ex-friend, just because they're dating each other. I believe that if you're happy in your new life, you should be able to move on and look forward to what the future brings you. In other words, shut up and move on.

As for the first scenario, I believe that the past belongs in the past - and that's where it should stay. It doesn't matter if you do or don't like that person, you leave his/her relationship alone. You don't need to be contacting the new partner and telling stories, bringing up the past and all that jazz. Let them talk - they will get around to it sooner or later, or maybe never.

Now, I know I'm not perfect, but I've tried to support people in their relationships, whether I approved of it or not - I do not feel that it's necessary to 'warn' or tell the new partner of anything. It's up to them - and I mean it. It's sad, though... because I've always thought of those people who would bring up the past or tell stories as looking for attention - and not caring if they hurt anyone - because in the end, they're the ones who gets into trouble. And I mean big-time trouble.

Let me give you a true example - this actually happened to me not too long ago. Someone came up to me and wanted to know why I was talking about her behind her back - and I was confused, because I had not seen or heard from that person in a long time. I told her the truth, that I had not said anything, and it was not my place to do so. She then told me who had told her, and we both went to see that person - and of course, that story-teller nearly peed in her pants... she had not expected me to show up at her door, with the knowledge of what she had done. After a lot of hemming and hawing, she admitted that I had not said anything, and that because I was not around often, she thought it was safe to name me as the person talking about the other person.

Now, what I am pointing out here - it is not a good idea to start talking about someone - either bringing up that person's past, or telling stories, or harassing someone else about that person. Why? It will all come back to bite you in the arse, and people will point fingers at you...and you will find yourself losing friends because of your own actions.

Think about it... if you tell someone about someone else's past, who's gonna prevent others from telling people about YOUR past? I'm sure, and you probably know, you may have skeletons in your closet that you do not want the public to know about.

The past belongs in the past. Period. Also, remember there's ALWAYS two sides to one story - yours and your ex-partner. If you're the one who's talking, better be aware. The ex-partner has his/her own story to tell, too. And that story may be more believable than yours - and make you look like the bad guy in the whole situation. I know this for a fact, because there's an ex out there, that is looking pretty bad, indeed. And guess what? I feel pity for that person, because it's pretty evident that the person is not able to let go of the past - and isn't able to move on.

I'm just telling you what I think, and what I can and do see.
 

GalaxyAngel

New Member
I second w/you 110%

Rest of whoever loved bring up old past or behind their backs... None of their respect anyone become into serious or dating relationship... That making me sick anyone who tries to maltiplicative their lives..

Friends to Friends, ain't fun always recycling trying to stir up reason feel bored and decide bring stupid stories... Ex Friends to Ex Friends always worst the nightmare...
I'm glad not part of this stupid..

Like everyone are always have behind their backs and so many people aren't perfect on the earth.. Where respect???
Sad!
 

Maria

Active Member
Premium Member
Guess what ? That person did PM me not long ago and mentioned the name who told her bad things about me. :squint:
 

DreamDeaf

New Member
This is where you need to be careful - that person could be looking for some drama to liven up his/her life. I'd take it with a grain of salt - and then leave it be. If you must pursue it, then go into an AIM chat with the accused and accuser - and find out the truth. However, be careful - it can backfire on you.

In this case, if it were me, I'd just say, 'oh really?' and then leave it alone.
 

DreamDeaf

New Member
I know it's sometimes hard to do that - because we, by our own nature, want to confront the person that is accused of telling stories about us, and having it out for once and all... but, it's better to turn the other cheek and in most cases, it will die down and people will be going about their own business once again.

Good girl, CR!!!
 

Maria

Active Member
Premium Member
Thanks. It happened last Dec. 2006... and, that was when I uploaded a pic of myself with a Christmas hat for my avatar.
 

Liebling:-)))

Sussi *7.7.86 - 18.6.09*
Premium Member
Yes I´m agree 1,000% with everything what DreamDeaf´s said in her post.

I would like to quote few to share my view.



Relationships can seem complicated, but can also be very simplistic - yet there are so many factors that can make or break a relationship. In a way, it's pretty sad.
Yes, it´s very sad the people are not mature enough to let their relationships go, that´s because the people choose to listen other people who can´t move on with their life than focus his/her own new relationship.

I will do it this way - when I say partner, I mean any of these: spouse (husband or wife), lover (same-sex) and boyfriend/girlfriend.
In these relationships, I have had people warning me, telling me things - beware of this, beware of that, you know what, you have to know this, you better watch for that, and all that jazz... and I've had people telling my partners about my past, giving them warnings, telling them things about me...
Yes it was happened similar to me... I become a good friend with few people. I like them but I was being warned to beware of them... I told them that their past has nothing do with me and prefer to focus my friendship with them myself... I am still friend with them for over 20 years with no problem... Of course they told me about their past... It doesn´t affect me really because I has nothing do with her past. All what we do is move on to forward our life, not look back at our past.


Recently, there was a bit of a drama IRL - a good friend of mine went into a new relationship recently - and yes, you guessed it... quite a few people went after her partner, telling her about my friend's past - and I can tell you, no, they were NOT nice about it... in other words, they really stabbed my good friend and brought up a lot of her past issues. The new partner broke it off, and cited these sources as the reason why... of course, my friend got very upset and wanted to know why people had to bring the past up. Of course, I had no ready answer for that, but luckily, this new partner contacted me and I was able to tell her the truth - many of the 'facts' she had heard were very skewed and not all true - I was able to straighten some things out and contacted my good friend about what was going on. Now, they are both talking, and taking it easy - and I am relieved about that.

I know of another 'drama' that is still on-going - and I am sad about it... because this is another 'drama' that not need have happened, either. In this, I know that one person was 'very upset' about an ex-friend hooking up with the first person's EX-partner. Please understand me, this happened AFTER they broke up. In this, she has made things very unpleasant for both the ex-friend and ex-partner, yet she keeps stating that she's VERY HAPPY with her new life... go figure. However, she will not leave her ex-partner alone, and keeps contacting that person over and over and calling the ex-friend names and slandering that person's good name.
Pretty sad.. :(

All what I want to say is: if a person who want to focus his/her new relationship with his/her partner instead of listen other people´s rant about his/her partner´s past if a person truly love his/her new partner. I can´t beleive that partner´s past is mainly important to a person than move on new life to focus his/her relationship with partner. :(


IMHO, there is no need for that - if they are no longer together, there is no need to keep harassing the ex-partner and then going after the ex-friend, just because they're dating each other. I believe that if you're happy in your new life, you should be able to move on and look forward to what the future brings you. In other words, shut up and move on.
As for the first scenario, I believe that the past belongs in the past - and that's where it should stay. It doesn't matter if you do or don't like that person, you leave his/her relationship alone. You don't need to be contacting the new partner and telling stories, bringing up the past and all that jazz. Let them talk - they will get around to it sooner or later, or maybe never.
Yes that´s right. the past belongs in the PAST period... It´s sad that the people are immaturity to do like that... :(

I still cannot beleive that a person who are interesting to focus his/her new partner´s past than move on to develop his/her new relationship with a partner...


 

moonflower

New Member
i 3rd agree with you dreamdeaf

that peeps NEED to leave other peeps ALONE not need to be backstabbers

i have been there before and scoffs them off and not need to be their friends anyway backstabbers are not worth to be friends with
they are just immatures looking for troubles and they are jealous
 

Maria

Active Member
Premium Member
Right, Lieblin' --

And, also once that person started openin' her mouth about someone else just like this, I avoided that person. I am not interested in that person. Know why ? Because, once that person opened her mouth like this, it's easy for me to recognize that person have a problem. Not just one problem, but MANY problems such as " out to revenge ", " jealousy ", " selfish ", and so on. Blaah. Too many headaches to deal with. That person hurt my feelin', too not someone else.

I moved on by ignorin' her.
 

DreamDeaf

New Member
Thanks. It happened last Dec. 2006... and, that was when I uploaded a pic of myself with a Christmas hat for my avatar.

I thought you looked cute in that avatar!!! I wouldnt worry about it - recently, I found a picture of mine that had been posted elsewhere and I was called an old hag... I just laughed, and showed my partner. I've been called too many names to take it personally!!!

It's sad, though, that some people think that they can build up their self-esteem by calling other people names and interfering with relationships, isn't it? It's a sure way to really ruin their good names in the end, though.
 

highlands

Active Member
Premium Member
I rather look future than digging the past . It is best way of relieving and moving on .
 

Maria

Active Member
Premium Member
I rather look future than digging the past . It is best way of relieving and moving on .
I agree, Highlands ! By lookin' forward to the future is more healthier rather than in the past. I like the future better. :)
 

Maria

Active Member
Premium Member
I thought you looked cute in that avatar!!! I wouldnt worry about it - recently, I found a picture of mine that had been posted elsewhere and I was called an old hag... I just laughed, and showed my partner. I've been called too many names to take it personally!!!

It's sad, though, that some people think that they can build up their self-esteem by calling other people names and interfering with relationships, isn't it? It's a sure way to really ruin their good names in the end, though.
Cute?! :lol: Aw thanks. *blushin'* Yeah, I ain't worry about it, either. It's why I said earilier in my post that I moved on by ignorin' her. ;)

Yep, it is sad about buildin' up their self-esteem by callin' other people names and so forth. I don't think it is really NICE, either. I hate it when people call other people names. Gee - people do HAVE feelin'. They are humans, not animals.
 

DreamDeaf

New Member
There's another theory I have - the reason why people love to talk behind other peoples' back is because they want to feel important - by telling what they know about certain people, they think they have the power over that person.

However, IMHO, when you do that, you tear yourself down as a petty, small-minded and vindictive person.

Just because you know certain things and feel its your duty, it's rather pitful that you can't feel good unless you can ruin someone's reputation - but in the end, you ruin your own repuation AND probably ruining other peoples' reputations when you tell them what you know, and then they tell other people.

Like for instance, Person A tells Person B who tells Person C, who in turns to Named Person and tells that one what's going on... and Named Person will be all too willing to turn the tables back on Person A. In the end, all of them looks foolish, petty and rather pitful.

I mean, who in the heck cares about what happens in someone's past? The past is the past, and stays in the past.

If you think it makes you feel good, you won't be feeling so good when that person turns on you - and makes a bad situation worse.
 

highlands

Active Member
Premium Member
I agree ,Dreamdeaf. I made mistakes in my life,as well. I thought about some things when I had a break from this forum. Life is too short so it's best to step to the future rather than stepping back.
 
D

DarkOpal

Guest
ahem!

That is precisely one of the reasons why I live under the "deaf radar." :whistle:
 
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