Is it dating or leading them on?

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jinxedkitten

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I hope this thread will not motivate a few ADers to throw a couple tomatoes at me :shock:

Well, I'm pretty sure the whole world knows by now that I will be legally divorced tomorrow. My ex already has a girlfriend or three :roll: and uh.. *scratches neck* I haven't been on a date yet.

A few people have asked me out on a date and I politely informed them that I am not ready. It is not because I am still licking my wounds and hating all things male. I'm simply cringing at how clueless I am when it comes to dating, I'm naturally a dork and I do not know how to act suave around men... at all.

Now I'm considering going out on a date with a fella or two, probably because there is NO possibility of anything becoming serious with them. I truly think the practice will be beneficial since I haven't dated in five years.

I will pay for my own meal so I won't be using their "funds" but will I be wasting precious minutes of their day? Should I say nay and wait until I'm finally interested in someone? Oooorr should I say aye, use this as an opportunity to dip my toes in the water and learn what NOT to do on a real date? I don't want to lead them on... but dating does not always mean it will turn into something meaningful, right? Plus, I think it would be fun to go out on dates. Sigh, I don't know what to do. Any opinions?
 
Just tell them up front that you are not interested in a long term relationship, and they can then decide if that is ok. And their time won't be wasted as you were honest.
 
How do you feel about the whole divorce situation?
Sounds like you've been thinking on your own for awhile.

I think the keyword you are looking for is friendship.. or companionship.

Why must it be a male acquaintance?
I'm not sure.. just taking a stab guess.
Is it because you're seeking for a figure that can potentially bond with your son?
 
Bottesini said:
Just tell them up front that you are not interested in a long term relationship, and they can then decide if that is ok. And their time won't be wasted as you were honest.
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I have tried doing that but I don't think they take me seriously =/

AndyE9503 said:
Go out and have fun. You are not wasting their time if they have fun with you.
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That's what I'm hoping for =)

naisho said:
How do you feel about the whole divorce situation?
Sounds like you've been thinking on your own for awhile.

I think the keyword you are looking for is friendship.. or companionship.

Why must it be a male acquaintance?
I'm not sure.. just taking a stab guess.
Is it because you're seeking for a figure that can potentially bond with your son?
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The divorce is bittersweet, I truly believed it would be forever when I said "I do." But I am glad I finally escaped... for obvious reasons.

I have been alone for the majority of the past two years (since the beginning of 2008) and yes, I get lonely at times. I do not yearn for a long term relationship but I do miss smiling and conversing with a person of the opposite sex. I have friends of the same sex but it's not the same.

No, I am not looking for a father figure to bond with my son. I still have that mentality that my ex husband is and will always be Cody's only father. I'm hoping that none of my ex husband's girlfriends will replace me as a mother as well.
 
Ur a very pretty lady, sparkling personality and intellect to boot....I'm sure a lot of guys would love to take you out, and it seems you don't want to feel "obligated" and I don't blame you. Some jerks will do this to a lady, newly or fairly divorsed w/a child....thinking they're "lonely" and an "easy lay."....I've been there before, and yes, paying for ur own dinner is best! I've had men say..."I took you out to the movie and dinner...and you won't invite me in for a "nightcap"? A drink?...something like that....trying to make me feel obligated!...Or..."all that money I spent on her!"....even tho' I'd keep protesting, "that costs so much...let's do something else."

If ur not ready, then ur not ready, and that's ur decision/choice. I'd go out with my "work buddies" for a drink (and pay for my own). Just for the male conversation and interaction.

Getting back into the dating field isn't easy. Gonna meet a lot of frogs before finding a handsome Prince again. Once burned, twice as shy!....Just be urself is all I can suggest, being honest to ur date beforehand, and if he "pushes" it farther after telling him how you feel, then I'd dump him and never go out with him again.
 
Is there a group so that you can attend functions? Maybe an ASL social or other group? Maybe a group that goes to the dog park if you have a dog? It's easier to start making friend in a group and who knows where that will lead? Your new girlfriend might have a brother.

Keep the one-on-one meetings casual, like going to get a coffee and chatting. That's a nice way to get to know someone and decide if you're interested in more. If you don't hit it off, you can always cut it short.

I know that your self esteem took a hit with the divorce, but you don't realize how much you have to offer a man. That is, a man who deserves you and treats you well. Take your time and that person will come along when you least expect it. Good luck!
 
What about dating guys who are not seeking relationships either but want to get the experience of dating?

I always worried about that when I first split from my ex hubby on what was considered leading them on and etc. It wasnt easy. In the 4 years of dating, there were some hurt feelings and some fun times. It helped me to understand myself and what I wanted in a man and in a relationship.

Good luck!
 
I didn't date for 4 years because when you date with the intention of finding the "one", you start looking for reasons she might be the one because you both like movies, etc.

One day I realized I missed the social aspect of dating and decided to start going out as friends with no further expectations and because there was no pressure it clicked after the second date and we eventually married.

Now I'm getting divorced but I've learned from why it didn't work and I'm moving on. The reasons it didn't work as well as a discussion of the different types of marriages that do work would be better suited for a different thread.

I would say be honest with your intentions and inform them you want to go out socially as friends with no further expectations and go from there.
 
I don't see the need for a mature woman to make "dating" a goal; that seems very high schoolish.

If you go about an interesting life of activities and friends, you will eventually meet someone with whom you have mutual interests. A one-on-one relationship can develop from there.

If you do decide to go on "dates" such as dinner at a restaurant, or attend an activity together, how is that wasted time? Even if the time together doesn't develop into a romantic relationship, how is a good dinner, interesting movie, or day at theme park, etc., a waste of time? If you both enjoyed the day or evening for itself, then it wasn't a waste.

Don't stress yourself out so much worrying about the "dating" process. :)

Like you posted, you haven't dated in many years. Well, that stage of life is past. Your approach to life is different now. You don't want to just pick up from where your single days pre-marriage left off.
 
Reba said:
I don't see the need for a mature woman to make "dating" a goal; that seems very high schoolish.

If you go about an interesting life of activities and friends, you will eventually meet someone with whom you have mutual interests. A one-on-one relationship can develop from there.

If you do decide to go on "dates" such as dinner at a restaurant, or attend an activity together, how is that wasted time? Even if the time together doesn't develop into a romantic relationship, how is a good dinner, interesting movie, or day at theme park, etc., a waste of time? If you both enjoyed the day or evening for itself, then it wasn't a waste.

Don't stress yourself out so much worrying about the "dating" process. :)

Like you posted, you haven't dated in many years. Well, that stage of life is past. Your approach to life is different now. You don't want to just pick up from where your single days pre-marriage left off.
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:gpost::gpost:
 
Reba said:
I don't see the need for a mature woman to make "dating" a goal; that seems very high schoolish.

If you go about an interesting life of activities and friends, you will eventually meet someone with whom you have mutual interests. A one-on-one relationship can develop from there.

If you do decide to go on "dates" such as dinner at a restaurant, or attend an activity together, how is that wasted time? Even if the time together doesn't develop into a romantic relationship, how is a good dinner, interesting movie, or day at theme park, etc., a waste of time? If you both enjoyed the day or evening for itself, then it wasn't a waste.

Don't stress yourself out so much worrying about the "dating" process. :)

Like you posted, you haven't dated in many years. Well, that stage of life is past. Your approach to life is different now. You don't want to just pick up from where your single days pre-marriage left off.
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What's wrong with making dating a goal? Dating can be done differently than high school kids do but it is still the same concept. I am confused to how it is wrong for a mature woman to date?
 
shel90 said:
What's wrong with making dating a goal? Dating can be done differently than high school kids do but it is still the same concept. I am confused to how it is wrong for a mature woman to date?
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There's nothing wrong with a mature woman going on dates but it's kind of silly to make "dating" just for the sake of dating a goal. It's not like teen days when sitting at home alone on a Saturday night would be the kiss of death.

Dating should be enjoyable, not a performance test that one must sweat over, pass or else.
 
Reba said:
There's nothing wrong with a mature woman going on dates but it's kind of silly to make "dating" just for the sake of dating a goal. It's not like teen days when sitting at home alone on a Saturday night would be the kiss of death.

Dating should be enjoyable, not a performance test that one must sweat over, pass or else.[/QUOTE

Oh, that makes more sense. Thanks for clarifying. :)
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I don't think that jinxed kitten is making dating a test. She's just nervous about dating again. I would be, too! Jinxed kitten, you don't have a check list and application form asking for references, do you? That sounds like something a over zealous mom would do. lol
 
sometimes, double date can be fun than just one on one. just thoughts.

so that way you wouldn't think anything about dating like one on one. maybe i could be wrong. :dunno:
 
sallylou said:
I don't think that jinxed kitten is making dating a test. She's just nervous about dating again. I would be, too! Jinxed kitten, you don't have a check list and application form asking for references, do you? That sounds like something a over zealous mom would do. lol
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Exactly =)

I will quote my second post in this thread:

"I have been alone for the majority of the past two years (since the beginning of 2008) and yes, I get lonely at times. I do not yearn for a long term relationship but I do miss smiling and conversing with a person of the opposite sex. I have friends of the same sex but it's not the same."

If I viewed dating as a game or a mission to accomplish, I do think I would have grabbed the closest victim when I spent my holidays alone. I am so used to sheltering myself away from men and not even making eye contact with them when they are in the same room. I do think dating will help me warm up to the opposite sex and make friends in the process.

I appreciate everyone's advice!

P.S. No checklist at all, merely following my heart this time and also using my noggin so I don't end up with someone like my ex =P
 
jinxedkitten said:
...If I viewed dating as a game or a mission to accomplish, I do think I would have grabbed the closest victim when I spent my holidays alone. I am so used to sheltering myself away from men and not even making eye contact with them when they are in the same room. I do think dating will help me warm up to the opposite sex and make friends in the process.

I appreciate everyone's advice!

P.S. No checklist at all, merely following my heart this time and also using my noggin so I don't end up with someone like my ex =P
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I'm sorry, I didn't mean that you took dating lightly like a game. Just the opposite. I meant one shouldn't take dating so seriously and feel pressure about the dating process.

If you've been sheltering yourself away from men, then dating seems to be an extreme way to becoming comfortable with them. I would think it would be less pressure to make friends first, then begin dating.

But it's your life, and you know your comfort zones. You don't really need our advice. :)
 
Reba said:
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that you took dating lightly like a game. Just the opposite. I meant one shouldn't take dating so seriously and feel pressure about the dating process.

If you've been sheltering yourself away from men, then dating seems to be an extreme way to becoming comfortable with them. I would think it would be less pressure to make friends first, then begin dating.

But it's your life, and you know your comfort zones. You don't really need our advice. :)
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Right, but the purpose of this forum is to discuss many issues among friends and strangers. Making this thread has already been helpful and it is refreshing to see that a few others are also on the same boat with me (or have been).

Today, I informed a certain fella that I was interested in going on a walk by the river (his idea) but only as friends. He was completely understanding so we will see how it goes :hmm:
 
Jinxed, I do like the idea of going out on douple dates. Not that I am really ready to date people yet either, but from past experiences, double dates are awesome. They also get rid of that pressure of knowing what exactly what to do on a single date. There are 3 other people whom can carry conversations and transitions are easier from one to another. I relieves A LOT of pressure, and IMO should be the date of choice for you who is not quite looking for relationship and love, but are looking to just get in a dating groove trying to find out what works and helps you feel much more comfortable. Aslo on double dates, the pressure and temptaion is somewhat removed to feel any obligation for kissing and intimacy coming too rapidly. Good Luck and I hope this helps.
 
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