Hearing wife to hoh husband

[ChristiLouLou]

So I'm new and not sure how this all works. I've been married to my hoh husband for ten years. He had spinal meningitis when he was two years old. He was diagnosed hoh at the age of three. He has 100% hearing loss in his left ear and 40 to 50% in his right. It is degenerative. He wore hearing aids when he was a child, but conveniently losing them, and begging his mom got him out of wearing them. He wasn't fitted for another until three years ago. It was pricey!!! He hated it!! He went in three times to have it adjusted to his frequency. He said it was like someone stuck a microphone in his ear. Nothing was clearer. Just way louder. It didn't help with any back ground noise. So needless to say he tried it for about a month and since then it's been sitting in his nightstand. I don't blame him at all for giving it up. Has anyone else ever had a problem with a hoh spouse who is giving up every chance at a social life because of their hearing? I'm confused right now and only want to help him. I don't want to force him into situations that make him uncomfortable, but he has recently started avoiding anything that envolves him actually having to speak to anyone outside our family. I would love advice on helping him cope or treatments!!

 

[dereksbicycles]

My Grandma has asked me to go to Passover Sedar with her. I declined. I'm not going to sit with a group of people who hardly signs.

I had ex girlfriend who enjoyed going to movie theater. I let her go with her family. I decided to not go.

It'll not kill him to not go. Just find something else to use with your or his time.

 

[Oc318]

So I'm new and not sure how this all works. I've been married to my hoh husband for ten years. He had spinal meningitis when he was two years old. He was diagnosed hoh at the age of three. He has 100% hearing loss in his left ear and 40 to 50% in his right. It is degenerative. He wore hearing aids when he was a child, but conveniently losing them, and begging his mom got him out of wearing them. He wasn't fitted for another until three years ago. It was pricey!!! He hated it!! He went in three times to have it adjusted to his frequency. He said it was like someone stuck a microphone in his ear. Nothing was clearer. Just way louder. It didn't help with any back ground noise. So needless to say he tried it for about a month and since then it's been sitting in his nightstand. I don't blame him at all for giving it up. Has anyone else ever had a problem with a hoh spouse who is giving up every chance at a social life because of their hearing? I'm confused right now and only want to help him. I don't want to force him into situations that make him uncomfortable, but he has recently started avoiding anything that envolves him actually having to speak to anyone outside our family. I would love advice on helping him cope or treatments!!

Old people are hard to change. If you have hearing loss, you generally give up your social life anyway. Nothing was clearer because he never gave it a chance, you have to wear it for a while, give your brain a chance to relearn how to hear again. It's up to him though, it's his life.

 

[In A Cloud...]

Old people are hard to change. If you have hearing loss, you generally give up your social life anyway. Nothing was clearer because he never gave it a chance, you have to wear it for a while, give your brain a chance to relearn how to hear again. It's up to him though, it's his life.

Awww don't be a party pooper!! Give up social life? It doesn't have to be that way!

What is old anyway? It's the way you think about yourself, I say!

Sure, my hearing issues make me give the wrong answers to people when they ask a question, and yes, I sometimes nod just to pretend I hear what they are saying but it's not going to stop me from being in the company of my friends or going out and having dinner at a restaurant!

I'm a tomboy and I'll still ride my bike with a bunch of other riders or go four wheeling with the guys in my group. Just because one is older or HOH, it should not stop one from having a social life.

My buddy is profound and he's the biggest party dude amongst all of us!

 

[In A Cloud...]

Oh and welcome to Alldeaf, ChristiLouLou.

 

[ChristiLouLou]

Thanks for the welcome, but I don't really think 34 is that old!!! Hahaha! It's not about him occasionally missing a night out. He would never socialize if I didn't beg and plead. He also has no interest in ASL. When I talk about socializing I mean having friends over, going to friends house, or any event where he has to talk or be talked to. I will always be there for him no matter what. I just really want him to choose to live.

 

[shel90]

Thanks for the welcome, but I don't really think 34 is that old!!! Hahaha! It's not about him occasionally missing a night out. He would never socialize if I didn't beg and plead. He also has no interest in ASL. When I talk about socializing I mean having friends over, going to friends house, or any event where he has to talk or be talked to. I will always be there for him no matter what. I just really want him to choose to live.

OMG...34 is YOUNG! I am 40 years old and I must have a social life!

Why doesn't he have any interest in ASL?

 

[deafdyke]

So I'm new and not sure how this all works. I've been married to my hoh husband for ten years. He had spinal meningitis when he was two years old. He was diagnosed hoh at the age of three. He has 100% hearing loss in his left ear and 40 to 50% in his right. It is degenerative. He wore hearing aids when he was a child, but conveniently losing them, and begging his mom got him out of wearing them. He wasn't fitted for another until three years ago. It was pricey!!! He hated it!! He went in three times to have it adjusted to his frequency. He said it was like someone stuck a microphone in his ear. Nothing was clearer. Just way louder. It didn't help with any back ground noise. So needless to say he tried it for about a month and since then it's been sitting in his nightstand. I don't blame him at all for giving it up. Has anyone else ever had a problem with a hoh spouse who is giving up every chance at a social life because of their hearing? I'm confused right now and only want to help him. I don't want to force him into situations that make him uncomfortable, but he has recently started avoiding anything that envolves him actually having to speak to anyone outside our family. I would love advice on helping him cope or treatments!!

What about trying to get him involved in the Deaf community maybe? Socializing with hearing people is exhausting... he might find a really cool identity!

 

[ChristiLouLou]

We've talked a bit about ASL and to him it's more of a last resort. I would love to learn ASL, and have even come up with funny incentives, like that we would have our own language since no one around us knows ASL, and we could talk dirty to each other from across the room!!! Hahaha! That last idea is if we are positive no one in the room speaks ASL! He has spent so much effort and time avoiding thinking about ever fully losing his hearing. Because of this he can't even talk about what happens when it's gone. We don't have any deaf or hoh friends or family. He's gotten to the point that unless he is looking directly at you or having a one on one conversation he doesn't even realize he's being spoken to. I need to get him in to the dr and have a few new tests run so we can come to terms with the situation together.

 

[ChristiLouLou]

What about trying to get him involved in the Deaf community maybe? Socializing with hearing people is exhausting... he might find a really cool identity!

That's a great idea!!!

 

[deafdyke]

We've talked a bit about ASL and to him it's more of a last resort. I would love to learn ASL, and have even come up with funny incentives, like that we would have our own language since no one around us knows ASL, and we could talk dirty to each other from across the room!!! Hahaha! That last idea is if we are positive no one in the room speaks ASL! He has spent so much effort and time avoiding thinking about ever fully losing his hearing. Because of this he can't even talk about what happens when it's gone. We don't have any deaf or hoh friends or family. He's gotten to the point that unless he is looking directly at you or having a one on one conversation he doesn't even realize he's being spoken to. I need to get him in to the dr and have a few new tests run so we can come to terms with the situation together.

Oh was he totally mainstreamed with little to no exposure to the Deaf world? Sounds familiar.......does he think that ASL and Deaf stuff is "only" for profound voice off Deaf? HOH people can Sign and are welcome in Deaf culture too! You could bring up that he wouldn't have to strain so hard to hear/understand....it would make things easier for him!

 

[ChristiLouLou]

When he was in preschool he went to a school for the deaf or hoh, but that is the only time he was ever around anyone in his situation. He doesn't even remember the classes or that he went. He's had zero exposer since then. This is one of the main problems. He was never made to acknowledge that he will almost definitely be deaf. We don't even know terminology or anything about what's happening. All I know for sure is he only has 50 to 60% hearing in his right ear and zero in his left. I actually believe its worse. Ut he says there is no point going to the dr because there is t anything they can do. Grrrrrrrr!

 

[Bottesini]

When he was in preschool he went to a school for the deaf or hoh, but that is the only time he was ever around anyone in his situation. He doesn't even remember the classes or that he went. He's had zero exposer since then. This is one of the main problems. He was never made to acknowledge that he will almost definitely be deaf. We don't even know terminology or anything about what's happening. All I know for sure is he only has 50 to 60% hearing in his right ear and zero in his left. I actually believe its worse. Ut he says there is no point going to the dr because there is t anything they can do. Grrrrrrrr!

He's right, essentially . There isn't much a doctor can do.

What is your hope? That a doctor will make him hearing?

It's not uncommon for deaf people not to enjoy large gatherings of hearing people.

 

[ChristiLouLou]

I want to be told what it is we are dealing with. He has to be made to look at what's going on. I know there isn't anything anyone can do. But it also makes me angry to realize that he was never prepared for this. His entire family ignored it for so long that he learned to ignore it as well. The only thing I have ever been told by him or his mother is that he got really sick when he was 2 and then they noticed he couldn't hear anymore. He has pretended for so long this isn't happening that he isn't able to handle it. I feel like such an idiot for knowing nothing and putting him in situations that made him uncomfortable. I feel horrible for not being ready for this! But how can I be ready if he's not?

 

[Bebonang]

There is one thing that I am wondering why he could not come here on AllDeaf to communicate with us and to let us help him with his problems as we all share just like him. You can not expect him to hear even with hearing aids or CIs. Hearing aids or Cis does not always work out and those are just tools to make him hear environment sounds which is not clear at all. His family did not accept him for his deafness or hard of hearing. They should have communicate with him in ASL in the first place.

If he went into mainstream school with no accommodations or little of accommodations, then he has problems like that both in the classroom and social activities in the hearing school. He is not interest in ASL because of his family and not be able to be with d/Deaf people that he should be comfortable to communicate. There are activities for him to attend the Deaf events. I am hoping that he will be encourage to sign ASL whether he like it or not because he need communication badly. If he can come on the computer to type. That would be great. Also for a hearing wife, you should not force him to do what he does not want to do. Just give him a hint or reason with him but never force him to do what he does not want. He is definitely mad at the hearing world. That is my thinking.

 

[caz12]

i have same as your husband same reasons as him and i understand just why he feels like that wid the h/a

 

[AlleyCat]

It's not uncommon for deaf people not to enjoy large gatherings of hearing people.

That's exactly what I was thinking. It really is that common. This husband is no exception.

From the OP: being married to him for 10 years and "has anyone else ever had a problem with a hoh spouse who is giving up every chance at a social life because of their hearing?"

.. I mean, really? After 10 years of marriage you're now coming here and complaining about a social life that is difficult for some (hearing) to begin with, and even more so for deaf people in hearing settings? How about finding some social settings that ARE comfortable for him? A movie with closed captioning? Dinner for the 2 of you? Bowling? Even if it's with your hearing friends. The act of bowling will help keep him occupied and not bored stiff at a dinner table in a group of 10 hearing people.

.....

 

[ChristiLouLou]

Ok, so maybe there is some confusion. I guess I was trying to ask for advice because I'm trying everything I can to make him comfortable. I didn't mean to make it seem like I'm complaining about a lack of a social life. I've always known about his hearing difficulties. I just never knew how much he played it off. How much he actually misses and this hurts me. Maybe I should have tried harder, or grilled his family more! The only thing his family ever talks about is little things he would do as he was growing up because of his hearing. They laugh and talk about how funny it is. Like he slept with a knife under his pillow for years as a kid because he was afraid someone would sneak up on him because he couldn't hear. They find this hilarious!!! No one (including me) prepared him for when he does lose all hearing. Now it's staring him in the face and we are lost! Thank you for everyone's advice and time.

 

[Bebonang]

Ok, so maybe there is some confusion. I guess I was trying to ask for advice because I'm trying everything I can to make him comfortable. I didn't mean to make it seem like I'm complaining about a lack of a social life. I've always known about his hearing difficulties. I just never knew how much he played it off. How much he actually misses and this hurts me. Maybe I should have tried harder, or grilled his family more! The only thing his family ever talks about is little things he would do as he was growing up because of his hearing. They laugh and talk about how funny it is. Like he slept with a knife under his pillow for years as a kid because he was afraid someone would sneak up on him because he couldn't hear. They find this hilarious!!! No one (including me) prepared him for when he does lose all hearing. Now it's staring him in the face and we are lost! Thank you for everyone's advice and time.

You mean to tell me that he has not accepted his deafness since he was two years old. If his hearing is going down and could not hear with his hearing aids, he should know that he has to accept his deafness no matter what. I don't know why you brush us off by saying that "thank you for everyone's advice and time" like this is the end of conversation on this thread. It is not over yet. As for you, you need to accept his deafness and so are his family. Laughing at him just because he put his knife under the pillow is no way for you to understand why he did for a reason. He might have some nightmares about some monsters in his room when he was a kid. Almost all children get afraid of the monsters in their room like under the bed or in the closet. You make it sound like he is a kid who is already an Adult. So what is going on?

 

[In A Cloud...]

Almost sounds like everyone was in denial here in the past. You are concerned because "It also makes me angry to realize that he was never prepared for this." I'm wondering what your efforts have been in the past ten years to help him other than ask his family what they did or didn't do. Not challenging you or belittling you, just wondering what steps you have taken so others can know where to help you to continue.

The fact that he tried out HAs three years ago appears that he is starting to face what he has to deal with in the future. He gave them up after trying for one month but from what I understand (I don't have mine yet) is that it can take much longer for not only fine tuning the HAs but for the brain to get used to hearing things differently. Perhaps a word of discussion in regards to trying to adjust them might be helpful?