What would you do if your Mom or Dad couldn't take care of themselves?

This is a little point out of this subject ! One of my colleagues, a man was very sad and cried because he could not take care of his wife. She has a cancer. He is looking for a nursing home for his wife. We gave him a lot of support.

I can't imagine, my son could not take care of me when I become old or serious illness. (knock the wood) !!! Would he send me to the nursing home? :(
 
No, I would not consider them as selfish to put their parents in nursing home since they have their family, they take care of.

I would consider it as selfish when the parents threaten their children like that
"You forget quickley what we do everything for you in the past etc"
"You have no appreciate etc "
"You have no grateful what we did for you in the past etc".

It makes children feel guilty & unhappy. They fall out over that. No good.

It was happened at 10 years ago: Terrible one
I saw how stress my co-worker is for 3 years. Her mother told my co-worker that she'll have her house if she agreed to not put her in nursing home. She have her family she take care of. Her marriage was on rock. She neglect her family to be there for mother all the time because her mother demand it. She realized that house is not everything but her family so she told her mother that she give up. She decided firm to send her to nursing home. 6 months later after that her mother thanked her to put her in nursing home because she LOVE it & meet new people there. craftwork, paint etc. trips. She apologised my co-worker for her selfish behaviour. It made my co-worker happy. She is still alive now & happy. Her healthy goes improve more better. I can see that alot of old people are afraid to be alone but at nursing home they won't be alone.

I would not expect my children to look after me since they have their own family to care of. It's important for my children to think about their own family. It's important for me to see my children happy.

My hubby & I took care of my hubby's great Aunt Maria for 4 years until she died at aged 90 in 2000. It's not easy work & total stress, I tell you.. It's worst than take care of babies to toddler. We decided to put her nursing home with the recommended from my co-worker. We applied for that but Aunt died 1 week after application.

I know what it alike that's why I don't want to force/threaten my children to look after me.

I would not demand my children to take care of me. Up to them if they really want to have me or put me in nursing home (only if I am not fit to take care of myself).
I beleive it's best to put old people in nursing home whom they have better hand than me.
 
It is important for middle-age people to get long-term care insurance, so when they become old they can pick a nice full-care residence that they can afford. If they just depend on Social Security to pay, they will be stuck with a nasty nursing home.

Both of my parents have been dead for many years, so I can't say what my experience would be.

My hubby's dad has been dead for many years also. His mom is still alive and lives many states away. Her health is very bad, and she really should move to a safer place (without stairs), or allow in-home help. But she refuses. That is the other problem. So far, most of the postings here assume that you will have some choice in what happens to your parents. We have offered my mom-in-law to live with us but she refuses. Some of you might say, "Oh, I will let them live with us." Or you say, "I will put him/her in thus-and-such nursing home." Well, it is not that easy if they refuse to go.
 
Reba said:
It is important for middle-age people to get long-term care insurance, so when they become old they can pick a nice full-care residence that they can afford. If they just depend on Social Security to pay, they will be stuck with a nasty nursing home.

Both of my parents have been dead for many years, so I can't say what my experience would be.

My hubby's dad has been dead for many years also. His mom is still alive and lives many states away. Her health is very bad, and she really should move to a safer place (without stairs), or allow in-home help. But she refuses. That is the other problem. So far, most of the postings here assume that you will have some choice in what happens to your parents. We have offered my mom-in-law to live with us but she refuses. Some of you might say, "Oh, I will let them live with us." Or you say, "I will put him/her in thus-and-such nursing home." Well, it is not that easy if they refuse to go.
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I agree with you Reba
mostly with parents/parents in law who refused!

My mom in law had partial hip replacement due of Tumor in her bone in hip.. she bend her Rod so they did surgery again.. my husband and his brothers Offer her to move back to homestead where everyone can keep eye on her etc. She was soo stubborn refusing to leave her home (waterfront home.. it is small) Ralph my bro in law build a ramp for her so her wheelchair can go in and out.. she can use walker but limit time walking. She wants go back to work everything she demand but her mind is very capable to take care etc. she's only 72 years old.. I do worry about her of course we all do! she was there for me too when My son went thru his radiations while I was preg.. She and my mom take turns taking my son Sean to boston for his treatment when I had baby.. I was there for her when I can.. I try to be there but she know I m very handful with kids.. My husband hopes she would move when We move so that way she can get lots of help even if she has her own place ie trailer or mobile home with double wide single home.. but She was so stubborn wants this home! so We leave her alone and just be there for her..

My bro in law is thinkin' of moving too :( so meaning Less help for their mom.. since We will move :(

Wendy
 
Sabrina said:
I saw the bumber sticker said, " My mother in law is in my trunk".

:lol:
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Yes, Indeed... for my mom in law is in my trunk... (chuckles) She extremelly heavy MOCKING.. which my kids doesn't like grammy very much.. I have to patience and respect as long... for my hubby's mom...

My hubby and I were talking about his parent... if falling aparts... send them senior citzen home... My hubby told me.. Hell no way... I already made promised them don't send them away... reason why senior home has strict rules, not allowed outside without the permission by nurse.. and so many etc etc... That why dislike... Prefer use Retirement Senior homes.. there have indpentant homes and have provide the nurse if need necessary emergency. I was researched about Retirement Senior homes and impressed it lot much better than senior homes (nursing home).

My B-mom... I have no idea.. I will find out w/my b-sister what up to the plan future for my b-mom's needs....

My A-mom... I believe my A-sister or A-bro will take care of them everything.. I bet they'll toss them into the retirement home.

My A-Dad and 2ndstep bitchmom... Im not handle their needs... I bet 2nd stepbitchmom's kids will take care of them...
 
MsGiglz said:
...Sabrina..-- if your grandma can be qualify for Veteran nursing home (her husband was veteran? then she is qualify).. .
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Are you sure about that? I never heard of spouses being eligible for Veterans benefits. My hubby and I are each veterans, and we use VA hospital, so that is why I am curious.
 
When you were borned, were you glad your parents wiped ur ass and took care of you when u was growing up...

Now your parent's getting old, it's your turn to wipe your parents' ass and take care of them unless they rather take care of themselves or nursery home...

Shouldn't we follow the Karma "What goes around, comes around back to you" :o
 
nozobo said:
When you were borned, were you glad your parents wiped ur ass and took care of you when u was growing up...

Now your parent's getting old, it's your turn to wipe your parents' ass and take care of them unless they rather take care of themselves or nursery home...

Shouldn't we follow the Karma "What goes around, comes around back to you" :o
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:gpost:

That is what I also believe in.
 
Yeah I will take care of my mom, because I live with her.
But I couldn't take care of my dad, cause I don't have a house.
 
my mom told me recently that she has money saved for nursing home.. so i can put her in there if it ever happens .. i was like sheesh.. i was so upset.. she said.. PLEASE.. DONT FIGHT ME.. I DONT WANT TO PUT YOU THROUGH WHAT I WENT THROUGH WITH MIMI (MY GRAMMA) i got so mad at her.. so the subject was changed and never discussed again.. (sigh) this really creeps me out.. :cry:

my dad wants us to take care of him... we will as long as his wife is not around.. we hate her so much.. (long story)
 
Yeah, Zesty. I understand how your mother feeling. She care sooo much about you and want you be happy with your life in the future.

My hubby and I already insured nursing and care insurance for the case because we DONT want our sons to take care of us because they have their own family, they should consider.

I do not expect my sons to take care of me in return because I take care of them since their birth.
I take care of them because they are my wish babies and enjoy to have them and watch them grow up etc. It doesnt meant that I demand them to take care of me in return because I take care of them as babies. No Way. I want them consider their own LIFE!!! I would be happy when they visit to see me in Nursing home.
 
nozobo said:
When you were borned, were you glad your parents wiped ur ass and took care of you when u was growing up...

Now your parent's getting old, it's your turn to wipe your parents' ass and take care of them unless they rather take care of themselves or nursery home...

Shouldn't we follow the Karma "What goes around, comes around back to you" :o
Click to expand...

Well, it's not very easy job to take care of big baby than small baby.

I tell you it's really work hard to take care of big baby what we did for 4 years with 90 years old aunt until she's died. It's definitely WORST than take care of small babies what I already have 2 sons. That's why I dont want my sons to take care of me but consider their own family life. I dont want to make my sons feel that it's their duty to take care of me. I also dont want to expect too much from my children in return. No way!
 
nozobo said:
When you were borned, were you glad your parents wiped ur ass and took care of you when u was growing up...

Now your parent's getting old, it's your turn to wipe your parents' ass and take care of them unless they rather take care of themselves or nursery home...

Shouldn't we follow the Karma "What goes around, comes around back to you" :o
Click to expand...

Well.. My mom was very sick with cancerous. She said, she had not wash her hair for a week because her arms became too weaker. I said, I could give her to wash hair. She said, are you sure? I said yeah, now it is my turn to give your hair wash. She did give me bath when I was baby. She laughed. We went to the kitchen to put her on high chair to wash her hair with shampoo and condition. She hugged and kissed me. She missed to give me a bath when I was baby. She teared her eyes because she knew that she wouldn't be much alive few days.

I dryed and combed her hair. She wrote a check $200 dollars to give it to me. I said why... She wanted me go to the cementry to find the land to be closer to the lake where the swans are. I was crying and crying. I accepted to take her check. I went to the cementry to talk with the manager to make the arrangement. It was on May 9th, Thursday. She died on Mother's Day - May 12, th. She can't stand with all painful because she stopped to taking the chemotheraphy. It made her very sick and weaker. I respected her wishes.

It was very hard on me to taking care of my Mom with cancer with my three babies. Two are mine and one is from others. (long story). My jerk ex husband had been never around to support me. I was all alone to go through with my Mom and Dad. My Dad was very hard due to emotional and couldn't deal with it.

I realized how important for children to be there with their Parents to show how much we love them.

I missed my Mom ! :(
 
Liebling:-))) said:
Well, it's not very easy job to take care of big baby than small baby.

I tell you it's really work hard to take care of big baby what we did for 4 years with 90 years old aunt until she's died. It's definitely WORST than take care of small babies what I already have 2 sons. That's why I dont want my sons to take care of me but consider their own family life. I dont want to make my sons feel that it's their duty to take care of me. I also dont want to expect too much from my children in return. No way!
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Forget add one more:

I want my sons love me what I am and I love them what they are, not expect too much from them.
 
Liebling:-))) said:
Yeah, Zesty. I understand how your mother feeling. She care sooo much about you and want you be happy with your life in the future.

My hubby and I already insured nursing and care insurance for the case because we DONT want our sons to take care of us because they have their own family, they should consider.

I do not expect my sons to take care of me in return because I take care of them since their birth.
I take care of them because they are my wish babies and enjoy to have them and watch them grow up etc. It doesnt meant that I demand them to take care of me in return because I take care of them as babies. No Way. I want them consider their own LIFE!!! I would be happy when they visit to see me in Nursing home.
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yes i know.. but i feel that nursing homes are the worse places to put people there to leave them and have them DIE ALONE!?!? it just makes me feelSO UNEASY here..

i used to be a candystripper at a nursing home in h.s... became attacked to this old sweet man who had no family... one day i went there.. he was gone.. i was so heartbroken.. up to this day i always help old people by giving them foot massages, help them go to their cars, cross the street, with their shopping bags, etc.. and ppl keep asking me.. why dont i work at nursing homes. i am like.. i JUST CAN'T cuz i get TOO ATTACHED to these people too easily.. (sigh) and many of them are LONELY/ALONE/DONT HAVE FAMILIES, etc and it just BREAKS MY HEART..

and WHATS MORE!? >>> alot of nursing homes SUCK!!! TRUST ME ON THIS ... they don't treat the elderly very well, with respect, etc.. so i just cant stand the thought of doing this. i hear these stories all the time.. two of my old teachers were telling me stories aobut it.. one of them had a father in a nursing home down in florida.. it was very stressful for him cuz he had no idea what was happening down there and all that.. he finally PULLED him out of there and flew him to be near him but it is VERY STRESSFUL to have to go to see him EVERYDAY when he has a family and all that, etc.. and the same with my other teacher whose mother is in a nursing home and she had a son who needed her all the time as he was in middle/junior high school at that time..she was always STRESSED OUT AND VERY TIRED when she came in (SIGH) ----> if you know what i mean?? i mean you still have to MAKE THE TIME TO GO and see them anyway... so whats the difference?? id rather have them at home than have to stress myself of MAKING THE TIME OUT OF MY SCHEDULE to go out to see them.. thats what we did with my gramma (mimi) .. she had 5 aides around the clock..and we saw her everyday... said hi.. gave her a hug/kiss, etc.. she LOVED IT!! because she felt more at home and knew her family was there all the time.. her two sons (my uncle) stopped by all the time, one of them came almost everyday cuz his mother in law lived around the corner from us!! (she nows has aides living with her as well)

EDIT: sorry for making this so long.. just wanted to tell you how i felt.. ;)
 
Sabrina said:
Well.. My mom was very sick with cancerous. She said, she had not wash her hair for a week because her arms became too weaker. I said, I could give her to wash hair. She said, are you sure? I said yeah, now it is my turn to give your hair wash. She did give me bath when I was baby. She laughed. We went to the kitchen to put her on high chair to wash her hair with shampoo and condition. She hugged and kissed me. She missed to give me a bath when I was baby. She teared her eyes because she knew that she wouldn't be much alive few days.

I dryed and combed her hair. She wrote a check $200 dollars to give it to me. I said why... She wanted me go to the cementry to find the land to be closer to the lake where the swans are. I was crying and crying. I accepted to take her check. I went to the cementry to talk with the manager to make the arrangement. It was on May 9th, Thursday. She died on Mother's Day - May 12, th. She can't stand with all painful because she stopped to taking the chemotheraphy. It made her very sick and weaker. I respected her wishes.

It was very hard on me to taking care of my Mom with cancer with my three babies. Two are mine and one is from others. (long story). My jerk ex husband had been never around to support me. I was all alone to go through with my Mom and Dad. My Dad was very hard due to emotional and couldn't deal with it.

I realized how important for children to be there with their Parents to show how much we love them.

I missed my Mom ! :(
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OMG.. this is very heartwrenching!! she knew her time was coming.. (SIGH) here is my :hug:
 
Liebling:-))) said:
Well, it's not very easy job to take care of big baby than small baby.

I tell you it's really work hard to take care of big baby what we did for 4 years with 90 years old aunt until she's died. It's definitely WORST than take care of small babies what I already have 2 sons. That's why I dont want my sons to take care of me but consider their own family life. I dont want to make my sons feel that it's their duty to take care of me. I also dont want to expect too much from my children in return. No way!
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you can get aides?? thats what we did with my gramma.. and my uncle's mother in law has aides too.. a lot easier and less hassle too.. and gives them PEACE. without arguing with them cuz they can be stubborn and give you the GUILT TRIP.. i have heard stories that they don't forgive their children for doing it to them!! and they die like that!! SHEESH!!! and then you will never forgive yourself either!! >>>it is NOT WORTH IT!!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by nozobo
When you were borned, were you glad your parents wiped ur ass and took care of you when u was growing up...

Now your parent's getting old, it's your turn to wipe your parents' ass and take care of them unless they rather take care of themselves or nursery home...

Shouldn't we follow the Karma "What goes around, comes around back to you"


Meg said:
:gpost:

That is what I also believe in.
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GOOD LUCK to you guys!! hope you guys will get aides.. it is a lot easier that way cuz when they get older their bodies become SOLID (my mom hurt her back lifting her cuz of that! sheesh)-- making it very difficult to lift them,turn them over, etc.. then you have to feed them, bath them, etc.. it very TIME CONSUMING >>>unlike when you have kids.. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!! cuz we did it with my gramma.. even if you have a family of your own, etc.. so i SUGGEST you to get aides, etc.. ;)
 
zesty said:
yes i know.. but i feel that nursing homes are the worse places to put people there to leave them and have them DIE ALONE!?!? it just makes me feelSO UNEASY here..


i used to be a candystripper at a nursing home in h.s... became attacked to this old sweet man who had no family... one day i went there.. he was gone.. i was so heartbroken.. up to this day i always help old people by giving them foot massages, help them go to their cars, cross the street, with their shopping bags, etc.. and ppl keep asking me.. why dont i work at nursing homes. i am like.. i JUST CAN'T cuz i get TOO ATTACHED to these people too easily.. (sigh) and many of them are LONELY/ALONE/DONT HAVE FAMILIES, etc and it just BREAKS MY HEART..

and WHATS MORE!? >>> alot of nursing homes SUCK!!! TRUST ME ON THIS ... they don't treat the elderly very well, with respect, etc.. so i just cant stand the thought of doing this. i hear these stories all the time.. two of my old teachers were telling me stories aobut it.. one of them had a father in a nursing home down in florida.. it was very stressful for him cuz he had no idea what was happening down there and all that.. he finally PULLED him out of there and flew him to be near him but it is VERY STRESSFUL to have to go to see him EVERYDAY when he has a family and all that, etc.. and the same with my other teacher whose mother is in a nursing home and she had a son who needed her all the time as he was in middle/junior high school at that time..she was always STRESSED OUT AND VERY TIRED when she came in (SIGH) ----> if you know what i mean?? i mean you still have to MAKE THE TIME TO GO and see them anyway... so whats the difference?? id rather have them at home than have to stress myself of MAKING THE TIME OUT OF MY SCHEDULE to go out to see them.. thats what we did with my gramma (mimi) .. she had 5 aides around the clock..and we saw her everyday... said hi.. gave her a hug/kiss, etc.. she LOVED IT!! because she felt more at home and knew her family was there all the time.. her two sons (my uncle) stopped by all the time, one of them came almost everyday cuz his mother in law lived around the corner from us!! (she nows has aides living with her as well)

EDIT: sorry for making this so long.. just wanted to tell you how i felt.. ;)
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Oh No, you dont have to say "sorry for making this so long...". It's okay that you open your feel to us.

Yeah, I understand how you feel about nursing home.
I heard bad things about nursing homes, too but we were told to not apply anything from the newspapers but go to Public Health company who knows about good nursing home. There're no problem since they apply anything from Public Health company because they have list of good nursing home with controllers.

Yes, I know it's terrible to let old people die alone with no family. It's very sad. It's sweetie of you to massage their foots, etc. I'm one of them who help old people what we did with my hubby's 90 years old great aunt (my hubby's mother's aunt) for years. Nobody take care of her since my mother-in-law died of brain tumor so my hubby and I took it over. My hubby and I are alone to take care of her for 4 years until she's died. It's not very easy job than we thought. The doctor recommended us to put her to nursing home which she deserve a 24 hours caring because we have a famliy, we consider about and aunt's condition burden us too much thru her stubborn etc. I'm sure you know what it is. Aunt lost her daughter to heart diease aged 14 and lost her husband to WWII. She is widow since WWII. We are always there for her. She dont want to stay at my mother in law's place but her own place. Everything goes bad since my mother-in-law passed away and leave aunt alone because my father-in-law and brother-in-law dont want do anything with her which it's only 5 minutes away walk between their places. We offered her to stay with us which it's 4 km away from our house but she refused and want to stay at her own place. We travel to check her all the time which it's stress for us but we had been through out for 4 years until doctor recommend us to put her nursing home. Aunt said that she will call us "monster" if we follow doctor's advise. We are tooo soft and feel for her. I do realized that we worn out thru stress since we have a family, we consider and her until one day she slipped out and fall down and hit her head to the wall. Those situation made us realized that she need a good hand is NURSING HOME so we applied right way. Unfortunalately, she died in the hospitail one day after an accident.

Accord your post: I can see that you have families who support each other to take care of Grandma which it's good. It's good when you really want to have your mother around to take care. I'm sure you know it's not easy condition to take care of old people.

Those condition what we had been through out with Aunt give my hubby and me think twice about our sons's future. We would look for a good nursing home near where my sons live then they can see us anytime what they want. The staff would call the relatives to let them know that their patient are going die soon or go to hospital. I would need my sons there when I'm die. (***knock the wood***).
 
zesty said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by nozobo
When you were borned, were you glad your parents wiped ur ass and took care of you when u was growing up...

Now your parent's getting old, it's your turn to wipe your parents' ass and take care of them unless they rather take care of themselves or nursery home...

Shouldn't we follow the Karma "What goes around, comes around back to you"





GOOD LUCK to you guys!! hope you guys will get aides.. it is a lot easier that way cuz when they get older their bodies become SOLID (my mom hurt her back lifting her cuz of that! sheesh)-- making it very difficult to lift them,turn them over, etc.. then you have to feed them, bath them, etc.. it very TIME CONSUMING >>>unlike when you have kids.. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!! cuz we did it with my gramma.. even if you have a family of your own, etc.. so i SUGGEST you to get aides, etc.. ;)
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True!!!!!!! it remind me of aunt.
 
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