Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

lumbingmi

lumbingmi

Active Member
Joined
Aug 16, 2006
Messages
4,370
Reaction score
6
Great funny story.

Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST


I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
Click to expand...

best of craigslist : Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.
 
I think that guy is a jerk.. he should be honest with her about being fixed before having sex with her .. even better.. before being in a relationship with her! Gosh how cruel! :roll: I always tell the truth that I am fixed so everything wouldn't be ruined at the end. If the man don't accept it then it is his loss.
 
FelixKat930 said:
I think that guy is a jerk.. he should be honest with her about being fixed before having sex with her .. even better.. before being in a relationship with her! Gosh how cruel! :roll: I always tell the truth that I am fixed so everything wouldn't be ruined at the end. If the man don't accept it then it is his loss.
Click to expand...

No, he isn't jerk. He is trying to have a good time (he said it was casual realtionship but crazy woman tried to devise a plan to trap him) with that woman. Having vasectomy isn't bad /or threatening to anyone.

I think he would eventually tell her that he had a vasectomY procedure (if they decide to stop use condoms) but woman decided to entrap him into paying child supports for her child which doesn't belong to that guy. Of course , her idiotic plan backfired on her. What a fool.
 
FelixKat930 said:
I think that guy is a jerk.. he should be honest with her about being fixed before having sex with her .. even better.. before being in a relationship with her! Gosh how cruel! :roll: I always tell the truth that I am fixed so everything wouldn't be ruined at the end. If the man don't accept it then it is his loss.
Click to expand...

well i thought she was a BITCH for copping out on him and lying to him all along!!??? was it fair of her to cheat on him??? then come back and say "oh this is your baby", wanting to get hitched in order to get a free ride??? :hmm:
and don't forget it was a casual relationship, i personally believe that he didn't have to tell her anything unless they were serious and headed to the next level in their relationship.... i NEVER shared my personal life with guys that i dated for a short time...
and last of all, she sure is a mental basket! for flipping out like that! especially when she was lying in between her teeth! :thumbd:
 
KINGOFNOOBS said:
No, he isn't jerk. He is trying to have a good time (he said it was casual realtionship but crazy woman tried to devise a plan to trap him) with that woman. Having vasectomy isn't bad /or threatening to anyone.

I think he would eventually tell her that he had a vasectomY procedure (if they decide to stop use condoms) but woman decided to entrap him into paying child supports for her child which doesn't belong to that guy. Of course , her idiotic plan backfired on her. What a fool.
Click to expand...


i agree with you on this one! :thumb:
 
Oh boy...too much drama for me. Thank god my life is normal. LOL!
 
shel90 said:
Oh boy...too much drama for me. Thank god my life is normal. LOL!
Click to expand...

yea tell me about it!!! :roll:
what's more? lawsuits are A ROYAL PITA!! cuz i got two of them now and it is dragging!!! one of them, it has been two friggin' years... i hope to settle soon cuz i want to move on! :ugh:
 
FeistyChick said:
yea tell me about it!!! :roll:
what's more? lawsuits are A ROYAL PITA!! cuz i got two of them now and it is dragging!!! one of them, it has been two friggin' years... i hope to settle soon cuz i want to move on! :ugh:
Click to expand...


Yea, I know how u feel about drama. I used to find myself in endless drama after my ex left me.
 
shel90 said:
No I didnt see that post. U do look familiar...
Click to expand...

i do? :hmm:

i don't know what you look like :D
but for some reason your username must be your real name like shelly or something? :D or a nickname for michelle? :hmm: when did you move out of phoenix? i was there just for one year back in '95.. that got me curious if i knew you in az or not :D
 
FeistyChick said:
i do? :hmm:

i don't know what you look like :D
but for some reason your username must be your real name like shelly or something? :D or a nickname for michelle? :hmm: when did you move out of phoenix? i was there just for one year back in '95.. that got me curious if i knew you in az or not :D[/QUOTE

Lemme PM u before we destroy this thread..lol!
Click to expand...
 
shel90 said:
FeistyChick said:
i do? :hmm:

i don't know what you look like :D
but for some reason your username must be your real name like shelly or something? :D or a nickname for michelle? :hmm: when did you move out of phoenix? i was there just for one year back in '95.. that got me curious if i knew you in az or not :D[/QUOTE

Lemme PM u before we destroy this thread..lol!
Click to expand...

that is a GREAT IDEA, girl! :thumb:
Click to expand...
 
Oh gosh. :eek2:

:hmm: I thought ; not tell to let enjoy my moment...no, I will telling to my new date, my new lover, my sex patner, blah blah... that I had vasectomcy to save their time. Yes, safe sex will come tag along with me. :)
 
Back
Top