Tough Decisions

[TheIronQueen]

I am 18 and live with my parents. I am about to graduate and go to a community college in the fall. My parents are very religious and very controlling, everything has to be preapproved by them or they punish me. The biggest conflict currently is the man I am in love with. We have been together three months and every bit of it has its wonderful ups and tipsy downs. We got through the first through months together a little bruised and wary of the future, but we know now that we definitely want a future together. He is five years older than me, grew up in the same area as I did. We work for the same company at different locations, it was how we met in the first place (he was my new boss after my old one was fired, I don't work for him any more). We developed crushes on each other and they grew... I was very untrusting and wary of his motives, but he has proved himself to me in many ways. I have met everyone in his family, including his birth mother, his friends are all cool with me. The only problem? My family. They do not accept anyone who is not from a middle class local church circle. They believe that my baby is too dangerous for me... I don't think they ever considered the idea that I do not follow the same beliefs or feelings of my family. Originally, they were against him because of his appearance. He looks half black (he isn't, not that it matters). Then it was his age, although my mother's family history proves that we like older men. My dad is 5 years older than my mom, my great uncle is 15 years older than my mother's aunt, my grandpa is 8 years older than my grandma, ect. Although he is crazy and wild, he has mellowed out since he turned 23. His interests are in my safety, happiness and sanity, while helping me come out of the insane religious shell I was forced into five years ago when my parents sent me to a private Presbyterian school. My parents are extremely controlling and my father especially wants to be the leader in everything of my life. He would marry me if it wasn't incestous or attempt to bind me to him forever, that is just how controlling of me he is. I've always been a rebel, disrepancies over the years have proved that. I've never been completely convinced of the christian "religion" either, but that is a different story.
The bottom line for me is, my father and my mother have each other and belong to one another. I am not either of them, and I will never live my life to please them, because if I try doing that, I will live a life of lies. I don't want to lose my spirit over trying to please my family. I love my boyfriend and I want to treat him better than I am now. This has been stupidly hurtful and sneaky on my end because my family knows pretty much nothing of us. They have their suspicions, but they are avoiding the rupture I suspect.
How do I break this to them? How do I get away? Any ideas, thoughts?

 

[Liza]

Since you already know you can't rely on them supporting you. You have to figure life out for yourself, make mistakes and learn from them. Get a job so you can support yourself (seems like you already have a job??), because it sounds like you have to move out of their house.. save up money for moving out, etc. it's their turf. Just be careful about rushing things with your boy. You need to learn to be independent, and that's what it sounds to me from your own words. Good luck!

 

[SxyPorkie]

Since you already know you can't rely on them supporting you. You have to figure life out for yourself, make mistakes and learn from them. Get a job so you can support yourself (seems like you already have a job??), because it sounds like you have to move out of their house.. save up money for moving out, etc. it's their turf. Just be careful about rushing things with your boy. You need to learn to be independent, and that's what it sounds to me from your own words. Good luck!

Ditto... I agree with you... good post...

 

[Reba]

I am 18 and live with my parents. I am about to graduate and go to a community college in the fall...How do I break this to them? How do I get away? Any ideas, thoughts?

Since you are 18, after graduation day you can move out, and live on your own. When that day happens, you can calmly and maturely (no drama) just tell them that you are ready to try life on your own. You don't have to insult or criticize their lives. Just tell them you want to experience life for yourself. Then, pack up and move out.

They will be very hurt, of course, but that's the least painful way to do it.

Keep the doors to communication open, and hopefully someday all three of you will be mature enough to develop a new adult-level relationship.