Awauphi
Active Member
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2003
- Messages
- 10,225
- Reaction score
- 3
The average man's life consists of twenty years of having
his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having
his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners
wondering too!
=========================================
Marvin was in the hospital. He was an older man.
Anyway, there was this young nurse. Every time she came in, she
talked to him like a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone
of voice "And how are we doing this morning?!"
One day, Marvin had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the
tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to
fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.
The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it.
"It seems we are a little cloudy today..."
At this, Marvin snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top,
and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe
I can filter it better this time."
==========================================
New IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review
the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the
Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings
from the Shabbat,Havdallah and Chanukah candles.
The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste,
responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory
and they send the Temple new candles.
What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?
Asked the IRS auditor.
Simple, the Rabbi responded. We collect all the crumbs, send them
to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal.
All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're
a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from
the circumcisions?
Easy, said the Rabbi. We send them to Washington, DC and they
send us little pricks like you.
========================================
Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"
One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that
shit.
========================================
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know
what?"
"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.
"I think you're bad luck....."
===================================
Aunt Yolanda was in the garden tending to her flowers when she
got the urge to pee. So she did and wiped off the dew on a rose.
Uncle Fred came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it,
then ran to phone the newspaper editor.
"I found a rose that smells like a woman's you-know-what!"
The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a you-know-what that
smells like a rose, call me again."
====================================
A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could
we make love, please dear?"
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied.
"Please, I'll only stick it in for a minute," pleaded her husband.
His wife retorted: "What do you think I am, a bloody microwave?
=====================================
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend
says,
OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's
easy: W."
=========================================
BLONDE VIRUS WARNING
You have just received the "Blonde Virus!"
Since we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the
honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive, then manually forward
this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
=========================================
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
Why did the blonde climb to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.
==========================================
Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies.
A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical
gowns while they wait for the doctor.
Minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins
to masturbate him. Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?" to
which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system in
order to
have a clean procedure."
Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she
completes her task.
The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to
him, he is quite ready.
To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to
give him a blow job.
The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job
and he gets a blow job?"
The nurse says,"That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue
Cross."
got this via email..
his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having
his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners
wondering too!
=========================================
Marvin was in the hospital. He was an older man.
Anyway, there was this young nurse. Every time she came in, she
talked to him like a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone
of voice "And how are we doing this morning?!"
One day, Marvin had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the
tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to
fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.
The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it.
"It seems we are a little cloudy today..."
At this, Marvin snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top,
and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe
I can filter it better this time."
==========================================
New IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review
the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the
Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings
from the Shabbat,Havdallah and Chanukah candles.
The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste,
responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory
and they send the Temple new candles.
What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?
Asked the IRS auditor.
Simple, the Rabbi responded. We collect all the crumbs, send them
to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal.
All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're
a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from
the circumcisions?
Easy, said the Rabbi. We send them to Washington, DC and they
send us little pricks like you.
========================================
Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"
One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that
shit.
========================================
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know
what?"
"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.
"I think you're bad luck....."
===================================
Aunt Yolanda was in the garden tending to her flowers when she
got the urge to pee. So she did and wiped off the dew on a rose.
Uncle Fred came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it,
then ran to phone the newspaper editor.
"I found a rose that smells like a woman's you-know-what!"
The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a you-know-what that
smells like a rose, call me again."
====================================
A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could
we make love, please dear?"
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied.
"Please, I'll only stick it in for a minute," pleaded her husband.
His wife retorted: "What do you think I am, a bloody microwave?
=====================================
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend
says,
OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's
easy: W."
=========================================
BLONDE VIRUS WARNING
You have just received the "Blonde Virus!"
Since we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the
honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive, then manually forward
this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
=========================================
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
Why did the blonde climb to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.
==========================================
Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies.
A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical
gowns while they wait for the doctor.
Minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins
to masturbate him. Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?" to
which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system in
order to
have a clean procedure."
Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she
completes her task.
The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to
him, he is quite ready.
To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to
give him a blow job.
The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job
and he gets a blow job?"
The nurse says,"That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue
Cross."
got this via email..
