Post Thanksgiving Musings

[TXgolfer]

*VERY* envious that you able to have this in life. That people 'respect' just hold up finger and everyone wait for you to catch up. Seem like Eutopia.

It's not always easy but my mindset in situations like that is to be assertive early. Sometimes that rubs people the wrong way but usually not. You should see me when I am car shopping

That is also why I had everyone to my house for Thanksgiving....control the environment

 

[TXgolfer]

Ah, what TXgolfer didn't tell you is that his finger is attached to the hand that holds the whip.

That's right!

 

[deafskeptic]

:rl:
Jiro............Me

 

[deafskeptic]

Why is Jiro dancing so happily?

I think he'd be VERY unhappy.

 

[deafskeptic]

I think he'd be VERY unhappy.

Oh you were referring to the smilies.

 

[rebeccalj]

I am one of those parents^^ I just want advice. Jazzberry seriously had that been one of my children you better believe I would have a mini freak out. I was born with 2 holes in my heart, I have murmurs upon svt upon all kinds of other craziness going on in there. It causes me to have episodes and when I was little my hands would draw up to my chest I would be gasping for air basically like a little fish out of water. My mother never cared she was basically the definition of pathetic excuse for a human being, my older sister would rip me apart for it telling me I was just trying to get attention and that I was faking it all, so I basically got bullied for something I couldn't control. But when we would go stay with my dad and he would witness her being that way with me he acted the way I feel like I would if one of my children were bullying the other for any reason.

Parents are supposed to protect their children not just leave them to the dogs (or their siblings)

This, time kazillion!

I'm *very* sorry you have similar experience to deafies where told, over and over, just faking. Is *real* for us like *real* for you. KNOW you will be amazing mother with two boys who deaf. Know you will have empathy for boys.

Thank you for sharing post. Open up understanding that more than just 'deaf' not treated right in life. That many are chameleon (sp?).

Curious is you see post yet about genetics in thread I start? Seem male children more likely have deaf gene, how say, carry through over female children. Which seem odd because seem more Deaf female here than male, but, whatevah.

 

[rebeccalj]

It just shows, kids need to be taught. Kids that are not taught, this is what they do, they bully.

Just *SO* thankful learn from upbringing and own children are *the* kid to try befriend the kids who are bullied at school. Especially proud of son who try *SO* hard to befriend boy in grade six and stand up for him but then *SON* get in trouble for defending bullied kid. I tell teacher, "Do not understand what wrong with son approach to problem?":roll:

 

[rebeccalj]

Yes. I think my mother would have gotten along with your mother.



Seems that way.

My mother turning in urn these days so probably cannot make friendship with you Mum.

So, like play. Wow! Can figure 'roles' each sibling is in play. Crazy when you think about that way, really. Think oldest brother poor, forlorn (sp?), never have father figure, have excuse. Older sister always smart and obedient child so like chamelion (sp?). Me = 'why' 'what' child. Always thirst knowledge and always thirst knowledge for answer for everything. Mother do not like in child but only so inquisitive because *need* understand. Make *perfect* sense to me.

 

[rebeccalj]

Seriously think worst thing EVAH have monthly/cycle at Thanksgiving. Seem oxymoron if ask me.

 

[rebeccalj]

I probably typed too quickly. I think more accurately my parents were lazy and short in the empathy dept., but probably not actually bullies.

Another thing to keep in mind is that during the 1960s my home state didn't have an early intervention program. If they did, my parents might have found it easier to treat me differently with education and more support.

Than again, maybe not. One of my 8th grade teachers asked my mother for permission to tutor me, for free, in English grammar and writing and my mother refused. :shrug:

My own mother have *NO* empathy. Cannot imagine, today, leave own flesh blood baby to hospital for relative to pick up? Like afterthought. Like 'trash'. Thankful not left in garbage bin like many young ladies do today. How horrible existence for ' baby' to find out that?

Understand, now, mother just want me *normal*, whatever that means, :roll: but do not change experience of abandonment and rejection, by her, whole life. Never, EVAH, want own babies feel Mummy not want.

Just want you because feel 'same.'

 

[Jiro]

Late deafened.

:rl:
Jiro............Me

oooohhh right right. sorry sorry!

 

[rebeccalj]

You know, all of the Hallmark, happy family that loves and respects each other and the holidays are so special movies and TV specials that are shown this time of year do a great disservice to many. It has been shown through research that it sets people up for unreasonable expectations and then when they don't achieve that fantasy holiday with their family, they bottom out. Look at the increase in suicide and admissions to psychiatric hospitals this time of year. There are those who are prone to think that because they can't manage to replicate these fantasy families that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. The self blame and incrimination is destructive to the degree that many just give up.

If, by chance, you are lucky enough to have been a member of a family that indeed does function in a healthy way and has close relationships and enjoyable holiday get togethers, invite someone who doesn't have that experience to join you this year. For those of you that have less than satisfactory experiences with family holidays, get 3 or 4 friends together that are in the same situation, and create your own memorable holiday.

*SO* true! Grow up with "Waltons" "Leave it to Beaver'. Think self this probably how *everyone* live life! Only realize, recent, not reality. Take long time realize not truth.

Me not lucky one suppose. :roll:

 

[dogmom]

I enjoyed spending time with my family but as I was sitting there I observed myself sitting there and saw the degree of actual dysfunction that was going on, that had always been going on but until maybe about 5/6 years ago, wouldn't have been able to describe it like this and seen it to the degree in this way.
My folks aren't able to express love for each other in routine circumstances and my mom can be very controlling; my dad is much more "TYpe-B" personality and takes things in, takes things in - til she just gets too much and then he explodes.

My mom is about 11 years older than her sister - the beloved aunt I was mentioning in another thread. She was her little sister's protector as their mother was very physically and emotionally abusive - would tell them she wished they never been born, to "get out of here<house>", etc. Their father died suddenly of a stroke. From various descriptions mom's mother could have had depression and other things...so my mom is very controlling, very assertive <which has it positive and negative consequences>, very direct. She's always been great at telling me how much she loves me but has also called me "stupid"...in general over-protective in the extreme, made worse because of my extreme pre-maturity and I was in ICU for many months.
My Mom's first husband died of a heart attack about a year after they got married; I didn't know this til about 10 years ago.

I've always known stuff was "not right" and as I got older knew some of it it had to do with my grandmother. Some of it is other stuff and it all plays out each time I see them. So I sit back and watch this going on and think to myself...I wonder....I wonder...
and then my aunt and I discuss - do you think she may have felt this way or that way, or - what do you think about what just happened there...
<my aunt's been in therapy herself and has done a lot of spiritual searching, meditation, other wondering...mom hasn't been able to quite go there>

 

[Jazzberry]

My mother turning in urn these days so probably cannot make friendship with you Mum.

My mom is in the great beyond also. So who knows, perhaps they are hanging out with each other. :P

So, like play. Wow! Can figure 'roles' each sibling is in play. Crazy when you think about that way, really. Think oldest brother poor, forlorn (sp?), never have father figure, have excuse. Older sister always smart and obedient child so like chamelion (sp?). Me = 'why' 'what' child. Always thirst knowledge and always thirst knowledge for answer for everything. Mother do not like in child but only so inquisitive because *need* understand. Make *perfect* sense to me.

Well, its been a long time since I've read anything about this. Here's one way it makes sense to me.

Do you know how on the cop shows they show the "good cop/bad cop" routine? Both cops are really pretty much the same and want the same thing -- a confession. They just play "good cop/bad cop" to increase their odds of getting it. And on the cop shows, sometimes they even take turns playing the two different roles.

In the story I shared up thread, probably eveyone in my family just wanted to have quick fun conversations around the dinner table without my slowing it down to ask for repetitions. In that scenario my brother took on the role of shutting me down -- but everyone in the family wanted the same thing.

It also reminds me of the situation where the family doctor plays the role of the friendly doctor who is so generous with his time. But guess who hires a dragon lady of an office manager? The office manager is probably actually just as nice a person as the doctor, but she is playing her role so he can play his. This may even be agreed upon on an almost unconscious level.

IIRC, similar ideas were expressed in a pop-psychology book printed way back in the 1960s called [ame="http://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033"]Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis.[/ame] The author presented transactional analysis for the non-professional. I just took a look at the Amazon page and it looks like the book is still popular.

Like I said though, its been a long time since I read anything about this and I have read even less about transactional analysis. Perhaps Jillio can let us know if any of these ideas still has professional credence or even if I remembered them correctly.

 

[Jazzberry]

My own mother have *NO* empathy. Cannot imagine, today, leave own flesh blood baby to hospital for relative to pick up? Like afterthought. Like 'trash'. Thankful not left in garbage bin like many young ladies do today. How horrible existence for ' baby' to find out that?

Understand, now, mother just want me *normal*, whatever that means, :roll: but do not change experience of abandonment and rejection, by her, whole life. Never, EVAH, want own babies feel Mummy not want.

Just want you because feel 'same.'

back Rebecca.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I am glad that you had your aunt and uncle though in your life. Are they still around? Based on what I remember your posting about them -- they seem like warm caring people with common sense. A nice combo!

 

[Jazzberry]

Re Jillio, Rebeccaj and Dogmom's posts re dysfunctional and functional families --

I'm beginning to wonder what the likely ratio is. How many folks belong to functional families and how many belong to dysfunctional? I suspect that most families are a combo of each. But who gets to decide?

 

[Audiofuzzy]

I'm beginning to wonder what the likely ratio is. How many folks belong to functional families and how many belong to dysfunctional? I suspect that most families are a combo of each. But who gets to decide?

I wasn't pulling the numbers out of thin air when I said for sure 80% families are dysfunctional.
I get it from the John Bradshaw - a psychologist, book called Homecoming....

and then Los Angeles Time supplied some numbers also.

From my own observation - I know at least 12 families including my own for 30 years.
From these 12, only 5 marriages is intact since the wedding day.
From these 5, only one family is what you would describe as "Partridge family"
(except they don't sing, lol)
but it's not like they never ever have problems - they do sometimes,
but they solve them beautifully and with respect.
1 went thru a couple years separation,
1 as a couple is very stable but have problem relationship with children
1 is neither particularly happy nor unhappy family.
1 lives in on/off turmoil both as a couple and with children.

The rest went thru adultery, separations, divorce, alcoholism, drug addictions and psychiatric issues resulting from severe stress.
On the whole, from all 12 including these "intact 5" only one was and is truly functional.

So, you tell me what you think the ratio is.

Fuzzy

 

[rebeccalj]

My mom is in the great beyond also. So who knows, perhaps they are hanging out with each other. :P

Well, its been a long time since I've read anything about this. Here's one way it makes sense to me.

Do you know how on the cop shows they show the "good cop/bad cop" routine? Both cops are really pretty much the same and want the same thing -- a confession. They just play "good cop/bad cop" to increase their odds of getting it. And on the cop shows, sometimes they even take turns playing the two different roles.

In the story I shared up thread, probably eveyone in my family just wanted to have quick fun conversations around the dinner table without my slowing it down to ask for repetitions. In that scenario my brother took on the role of shutting me down -- but everyone in the family wanted the same thing.

It also reminds me of the situation where the family doctor plays the role of the friendly doctor who is so generous with his time. But guess who hires a dragon lady of an office manager? The office manager is probably actually just as nice a person as the doctor, but she is playing her role so he can play his. This may even be agreed upon on an almost unconscious level.

IIRC, similar ideas were expressed in a pop-psychology book printed way back in the 1960s called Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis. The author presented transactional analysis for the non-professional. I just took a look at the Amazon page and it looks like the book is still popular.

Like I said though, its been a long time since I read anything about this and I have read even less about transactional analysis. Perhaps Jillio can let us know if any of these ideas still has professional credence or even if I remembered them correctly.

Well great thing about mother in urn is I can talk to her, in my "Deaf" accent, and she cannot talk back.

Find study of family dynamics fascinating.

back Rebecca.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I am glad that you had your aunt and uncle though in your life. Are they still around? Based on what I remember your posting about them -- they seem like warm caring people with common sense. A nice combo!

Please do not feel bad for me. Life happen the way is meant to. Do not think would be *SO* driven and motivated without experiences of survival.

Share because hope hearie parent reading learn from.

Auntie and Uncle still alive but live in different city but, yes, very kind and loving people.

 

[rebeccalj]

It's not always easy but my mindset in situations like that is to be assertive early. Sometimes that rubs people the wrong way but usually not. You should see me when I am car shopping

That is also why I had everyone to my house for Thanksgiving....control the environment

You should teach conferences and make millions.

 

[deafskeptic]

My own mother have *NO* empathy. Cannot imagine, today, leave own flesh blood baby to hospital for relative to pick up? Like afterthought. Like 'trash'. Thankful not left in garbage bin like many young ladies do today. How horrible existence for ' baby' to find out that?

Understand, now, mother just want me *normal*, whatever that means, :roll: but do not change experience of abandonment and rejection, by her, whole life. Never, EVAH, want own babies feel Mummy not want.

Just want you because feel 'same.'

My mother has little empathy for people but not even she did this to me though I've always grown up with a sense of rejection from her. I would be devasated if I found out that my own mother left me on a door step....