My friend thinks I'm faking it.

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sheri363

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Hi guys!

A bit of background first. I was born with moderate to severe hearing loss in my good ear. I'm now severe to profound. I was integrated into hearing high school starting in grade 9 and graduated with an academic high school diploma. I communicate using speech and use a combo of lipreading and listening. As most of you are aware the lipreading/listening is at best a hit and miss process.

My best friend of 5 years is saying that my speech has deteriorated to the point of now sounding 'disabled'. Yep that's her word for it. Frankly I find this insulting, demeaning and a bit depressing. She is insisting that I find a speech therapist. She is of the firm belief that I'm not 'listening' to her when I tell her that I didn't hear her. She had said that since I had heard her earlier a few minutes ago or even earlier in the day or yesterday, why can't I hear her now? I told her that because the environment had changed, that I'm tired or that I'm having an auditory freeze, I'm just having some difficulty comprehending or hearing what she had said. She would get pissed or accuse me of doing this on purpose.

Sometimes I can hear her well enough while not lipreading. I don't actually hear every word...I just know what she's talking about and I can plug in some of the missed words to guess at what she had said. I'm pretty good at anticipating what she's going to say just as long as I know what the conversation is about. I tell her all this but she really thinks I'm dissing her or I'm being rude, insensitive or something.

What I'm asking from you is how do you deal with this? I'm feeling quite distressed about her attitude towards me. She just doesn't get it. She goes on and on about me getting some speech therapy to improve my diction and to get rid of my deaf tone. I had told her that I can't get rid of my deaf tone which has steadily gotten more noticeable over the last couple of years.

Oh btw, a deaf friend of mine mentioned that she had difficulty lipreading her too! So I know it's not all me. Anyway I just want to unload here. I hope I didn't come across whiny. If I did, I'm sorry about that. I really do love her as my bff but it's getting hard to maintain this friendship.

Ok I'm all ears here. Would speech therapy help me? I haven't had it for over 40 years. Was I correct in saying that I can't help it if I have a deaf tone? Is my best friend right? That I'm being rude, insensitive or something?
 
Why would you want a friend who makes you feel bad? Drop her and find a decent friend who likes you as you are.
 
I was put into speech theraphy during grade school, it never helped as I couldn't hear the sounds. I was put into special ed in high school but requested to be taken out as my grades dropped from missing out on teachers instructions. The deaf interpreter they brought in could not read my lips at all since I don't move my lips much when talking ( even worst now that I had an accident that split my face open and both lips completely through)
I myself am severe profound deaf, and at various times it seems like my hearing gets worst ( maybe acoustic surroundings or atmospheric pressure) ?
There are times I cant even make out words even when I know what subject we are talking about and I just cant put a finger on what they said at all... frustrating yes.
My friends as well as my wife get irritated repeating themselves, but whats to do?
I hate people, like , I as well as she, tells them I cant hear and they need to speak up, yet they continue to speak in a low quiet tone... since I cant hear them, and after telling/asking several times to speak up, I just let them talk away and I sit there and look at them like a deer in headlights not responding and they finally shut up. Or Ill let them talk and Ill just talk about random stuff like I don't know they are already talking to me. If they want to be ignorant I can be too because they sit there expecting me to respond and I cant hear shit they say... this is every time they visit. They know, but they chose to ignore our/my requests to speak up. Then they act all stupid when my wife signs to me to help me understand a question they ask. We even tried to have them write but they refuse.
 
Vocal Therapy CAN help you, if you put lots of time and effort into it... and I mean... LOTS... it's nothing fast, and doesn't happen by far overnight. When I first lost my hearing I didn't start to develop the "deaf accent" for a bit. When I did, I was sent to vocal therapy. Everyone said it did help. I prefer just to go "voice off" anymore honestly unless I have to. It did help me... and I can talk where you'd never hardly notice ( I still attend vocal therapy as my job depends on very clear communication ) but still prefer voice off in most circumstances. So yes, it does make a difference. However, your friend is a total a** for judging you like that, or not believing something you say that's so trivial, and seems quite under-educated in the field of hearing loss. I'd say she's not being a very good "best friend" to say the least...
 
Your friend is not accepting you for who you are. Like the others, I would drop her.


I used to have people telling me that I wasn't working hard enough on my speech skills or that I wasn't paying attention to them as a child. The joys of the oral-only philosophy. Once I learned ASL, I said "f** you" to that life and just be who I am. If my speech skills are less than perfect, up to the hearing people to try to accodomate or they just get out of my face.
 
but really....its a hard one, i mean, id warn you against 'clinging' on to your 'bff', as from experience (I'm a male but us blokes do have 'best mates', and half of it is a myth, unless you are truly lucky to have one (or unlucky not to have one).
thing is as you're going deafer..life changes too quickly for you to keep up with the 'adapting' which you need...it outpaces you...not your fault...it just can become a nuisance an unwanted nuisance...going by what others said above, might seem over the top...but what they are really also trying to say (oftentimes we get caught up with 'rehearsed' expressions but not 'our own', so it can get confusing...

what they are trying to say is,
don't be afraid to say so, but also don't be afraid to be 'own your own' to replace the bff, or worse yet to tread in the isolation...if you are willing to find different interest ( that WOULD interest you AND to find someone else that might change your 'shared interest' then it is going to be easier...at same time, don't fake your interests...
your voices changing, and your ability to hold 'hearing people's rate of conversation' changing...is something that is going to 'tell you more about them than about yourself' , like...their patience, their tolerance, their candour, their sincereness, and their value as freinds to you changes with that too...
so it is not as simple as 'flick them off' while it can be...there is more to it, than we can say...but..you CAN tell them what you think, and feel...and if they seem unfazed or even don't care about the situation, or try say 'its your problem you are not making enough effort' and so on...if this persists, then there is nothing you can do about it, wishing, hoping, coping, talk smaller, none of this will 'make it better'
best say fcuk it...
it's hurting, and tell yourself that hurting is just not worth it...it is not what you want to go thru for the rest of your life...why let them 'have power over you?'
its time to drop them
and find new friends, scary yes but think of it this way, its character-building...you will get stronger...mentally...and emotionally because in this way by making this choice, you are letting life experiences (new ones) to teach you what matters to you..and what don't...its hard..but it gets easier.
The time starts now.
 
Grummer said:
i thought you were talking about the big "O" lol
Click to expand...

:rofl:

Ooops!

So sorry! I didnt mean to imply that!

To the moderator. Can you please change the title to 'best friend thinks I'm lazy in my convo skills' or something along that line. Thanks!
 
Thank you all for replying. It means a lot.

It's hard though. She means a lot to me but as you all said, she's hurting me too. You're right. I need to drop her and move on. I can't continuously get stressed out every time she calls anymore. I can't tolerate her impatience and hurtful comments any longer. That 'disabled' comment that she dropped recently had really hit a raw nerve in me and made me think about this relationship.

The thing is I had always thought she meant well and had my best interests at heart. Anyway I don't think she does anymore. As one of you said, if she can't accept me for who I am, then she's not my friend.

your voices changing, and your ability to hold 'hearing people's rate of conversation' changing...is something that is going to 'tell you more about them than about yourself' , like...their patience, their tolerance, their candour, their sincereness, and their value as freinds to you changes with that too...
Click to expand...

This is what Grummer said. Well said sir. I think you described my situation perfectly. Thank you.
 
Firm rule: Use every tool available to help yourself communicate.

Try the speech class and see if it helps.

The hearing issue is going to affect both sides of the friendship. If you think she can handle your issues, keep the friendship.
 
Bottesini said:
Why would you want a friend who makes you feel bad? Drop her and find a decent friend who likes you as you are.
Click to expand...

You took the words right out of my mouth. With friend likes that you do not need enemies



To the OP , I have a friend I grew up next door to and I had trouble hearing her at times , we finally realize when it was raining out and the pressure was heavy I had trouble hearing her. Your friend sound very self center , she is making this all about her. She want you take speech lessons so it will be easier for her. It's sad that people do find out who their real friends are when they lose more hearing or start to lose their hearing. A real friend would not care how your speech sound.
 
Find friends that love who you are, as you are. I guarantee that y0ur friend would not change her own life to please you!
 
What will happen if your " hearing loss" increases to Profound level ( 90 decibels)-The highlest level till DEAFness? Both ears?

Or you become DEAF?
 
sheri363 said:
:rofl:

Ooops!

So sorry! I didnt mean to imply that!

To the moderator. Can you please change the title to 'best friend thinks I'm lazy in my convo skills' or something along that line. Thanks!
Click to expand...
Don't you dare change it, if they cant accept what it is then....lol just messing with ya, I think all the guys think that, so what, gets attention doesn't it...lol
 
It sound like your bff will think this way.... If you lost both hands, your bff will say, "Go fix your hands, get a robotic hands!" It seem to me that she doesn't know that getting robotic hands will never perform a perfect tasks. Same way that losing your hearing, and try to get speech therapy?? She have no idea what the outcome will be....

She seem have no empathy...
 
drphil said:
What will happen if your " hearing loss" increases to Profound level ( 90 decibels)-The highlest level till DEAFness? Both ears?

Or you become DEAF?
Click to expand...

look, dont be stupid...this OP is not 'at the verge of "going Deaf -culturally' a fair way of that point yet...

but audiologically, indeed she is at odds with going the slope towards severe hearing loss and deeprer...so please be abit more tactful next time aye??!
 
oh i see friends? sound look likes lost friendship best friends?
 
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