My dad doesn't believe my hearing status has been a problem...

Dixie

Dixie

Farting Snowflakes
Premium Member
Joined
Mar 22, 2006
Messages
13,367
Reaction score
2
We got into it this morning like two rabid dogs bent on killing each other. Anyway I made the comment that I feel like I'm his failed broken child, born deaf and destined to fail in his eyes. Then he said - "You think just because you can't hear is the cause of your troubles?"

I said "No, your not listening fully. You have always believed I was broken beyond repair so therefore you treated me as such, even going so far as to make me feel ashamed that I'm even deaf! You're the one who said I shouldn't be driving because I can't hear, you're the one who said I can't play sports because I can't hear, your the one who said I couldn't play music because I am deaf, and basically you have even gone so much as to say that whenever I am asked about it at work that I am supposed to deny it because I could be fired for being deaf!"

I feel like he's always held me back as a child and even now I still feel like he is holding me back because I'm the broken failure. He thinks I should just get a minimum wage job and be happy, even if I want better for myself and my DD.

Well to top it off my mother came home and was even commenting on my parenting. Finally, I just looked at her and said - "You know what, since I'm such a crappy mother, I'm done!" Then she turned around and said "You checked out as a mother a long time ago!"

Well that was it. I'm done. I've been looking at apartments in Rsvl online all night and networking trying to find something that's doable.

Aside from that - what is it with parents that think our hearing status has nothing to do with our struggles? In fact, it accounts for a lot of our struggles, our daily struggles in fact in just interacting and conversing with people. Our parents held us back because we couldn't hear because to them, we are broken beyond repair so what's the use in encouraging them to succeed? Just give them enough to survive on and that's good enough. At the same time, they are shaking their heads and wondering why we can't do better?

Uhm, hello? If all your life growing up you've been taught that your broken beyond repair and that your not worth the effort to push to succeed, then how will we find it in ourselves to succeed? Simply put, we don't have the support system that our hearing peers (or even in my case, my hearing brother has) He was pushed to go to 4-year university, I was pushed to go to community college because my dad thought I wouldn't do well enough to complete a four year degree.

I don't get it. Whether he wants to admit it or not, a lot of his distaste for me has to do with my hearing status. He's somehow along the way equated my hearing status for my level of IQ. I don't have a super high IQ, but I have enough to discern that equating deaf with dumb is illogical and silly at best.

Maybe I have to have this chip on my shoulder to go away and prove him wrong. He says he loves me, but his actions seem to say otherwise. Why do my parents think I'm so broken?
 
I'm sorry your parents have treated you that way. Good luck with the housing search, and keep your chin up. Things always have a way of working themselves out.
 
Dixie good luck with the apt. search. I think you will feel better in your own place. It can't be easy constantly being around such negative people especially if they are your family.

I grew up HoH. I believe that my family never gave me credit either. I think they did it because it was a way of letting themselves off the hook. If they saw me as an incompetent then they could dismiss any problems as being due to my incompetency. If they saw me as I really was, with my actual strengths and weaknesses, then they might have felt obligated to do more to help me bridge the communication gap.
 
"Well to top it off my mother came home and was even commenting on my parenting. Finally, I just looked at her and said - "You know what, since I'm such a crappy mother, I'm done!" Then she turned around and said "You checked out as a mother a long time ago!"


If my mother had said this to me I would said " I am a product of your upbringing and if you think I failed as mother then that mean you did too!"
It really is hard having parents that aren't there for you and do not understand what it like being HOH. I know it had to really hurt having your mother say something so cruel, but do not let it become between and your kids. I hope you'll be able to find a nice apartment and get a break from your family.
I moved 3,000 miles to get some space from my family! Do do have a very big family right here on AllDeaf.
 
I'm sorry about this latest blow up. Follow through on your plans. You have butted your head up against that parental wall for too long. You cannot change them. You can only control the effect you allow them to have on you.
 
Dixie I am so sorry that you are going through all this.

It is probably the best thing to find a way out of this toxic situation.
 
Jazzberry said:
Dixie good luck with the apt. search. I think you will feel better in your own place. It can't be easy constantly being around such negative people especially if they are your family.

I grew up HoH. I believe that my family never gave me credit either. I think they did it because it was a way of letting themselves off the hook. If they saw me as an incompetent then they could dismiss any problems as being due to my incompetency. If they saw me as I really was, with my actual strengths and weaknesses, then they might have felt obligated to do more to help me bridge the communication gap.
Click to expand...

That is so insightful. I agree that might be a lot of what's going on with your parents, Dixie.

I hope you do find a better place for yourself and your daughter, fast. Living surrounded by negativity and put-downs is just no way to live for either of you.
 
Inasmuch as I feel really bad for Dixie in this situation....we know that our parents can be old-fashioned in their way of thinking. And they can be down-right cruel to us by the way they think and act towards us at times....fact is, the parents don't think they are...

I don't foresee Dixie's parents changing their trains of thought/attitudes. Sad as it may be.

Dixie needs to get a place of her own and raise her daughter without any interference. The sooner the better and all involved would more than likely be a lot happier.
 
it sounds like your family is a very controlling clan.
 
Dixie, Is there a friend with a child that you can trust? Why don't you and that friend find an apt together? That way one of you can watch the kids while the other is at work. You two can split the cost of rent and utilities.

By the way, I wish you the best of luck in finding a place to live.
 
Buffalo said:
Dixie, Is there a friend with a child that you can trust? Why don't you and that friend find an apt together? That way one of you can watch the kids while the other is at work. You two can split the cost of rent and utilities.

By the way, I wish you the best of luck in finding a place to live.
Click to expand...

You have to real careful living with friend, business and friendship does not always work out very good. I know , I got an apartment with a 'friend' and she end up moving out , I had find another place real fast as I could not afford to pay rent for a 3 bedrooms apartment.
 
whatdidyousay! said:
You have to real careful living with friend, business and friendship does not always work out very good. I know , I got an apartment with a 'friend' and she end up moving out , I had find another place real fast as I could not afford to pay rent for a 3 bedrooms apartment.
Click to expand...

Right, that is why I said if she has a friend that she can trust.
 
sorry hear solve parents :( hard seems control your parents!
 
I am sorry that this happen to you from your family who are trying to control you like you are unable to fend for yourself and had to listened to your father for giving you the crap lecture of how you should live. You are fully grown woman and have a daughter now. No parents should treat you like that. I do hope you have good luck finding an apartment with your daughter whether you have a trust friend or not. Just take a deep breath and let it go at that until you find a place to live. :hug:
 
Dixie - I know things have been really rough for you with your father. I don't think I have ever encountered a person like that and I feel so bad that you have had to deal with it. Know that we are all rooting for you in the hopes that all works out with the apartments you have found.

:grouphug:
 
Thanks for the encouragement everyone. It's made me teary eyed. I can safely say that I'm very thankful for the family that I have here on AD.com. Although, we've not met in real life, I still feel like a lot of you would stick up for me like an older sibling as you would for each other.

I'm very much looking forward to Monday afternoon when I am hightailing it to Russellville to pick up the application for the apartment. It will be a 4-6 month wait, but a friend of mine that lives in the same apartment complex said it could be sooner if someone is evicted for non-payment or if someone moves out sooner than expected. I don't mind this waiting period as it will allow me to get things put together a little bit better.

In the meantime, I plan to rent a storage unit near the apartments to store furniture in as I purchase it a little bit at a time. I don't need a lot or anything fancy, just something that works and isn't beat all to hell. Right now I'm on the lookout for:
a futon, a recliner or a glider w/ foot stool, a dinning room set with 2-4 chairs. Two beds w/ box spring and frame, and a dresser. I'm thinking if I buy one or two items at a time at resale shops or furniture outlets, that this could possibly be doable.

The good thing about these apartments is that it's off away from heavy traffic, there is a playground and a laundromat on the premises for the residents to use. I already know 4 people who live at these apartments so it's not like I will be totally alone. I will also be 45 minutes from my parents. If my parents come over to bother me, I can just say "Hey, look, you gotta leave."

My plan is to have everything moved in a single day if I can get enough people and enough trucks. The best plan is to get it all in one trip instead of making multiple trips. I have a truck, my brother has a truck, and I'm pretty sure I can probably get one or two more people with a truck to help me move.

If my parents say my plans won't work, I will just turn around and say 'Watch me.' and walk out. I'm done.
 
Back
Top