Married, but....

Steinhauer said:
That sounds deep and all and it almost makes sense, but it still didn't answer anything.

Your ip address tracks you, one of the tricks of the trade that divorce attorneys use. Something I always tell the boys. Cheating is a misdemeanor in most States and in most all divorces, is the deciding factor on whether you get the kids, the house, the car etc.
Click to expand...

That sounds deep and all.....

almost as deep as your conclusion that their problems in the bedroom is really him just giving her pity sex, almost as deep as your passive aggressive "that's deep and all"

She nailed it, it sounds an awful lot like your projecting your own feelings of inadequacy from your former marriage.

Anyway....back to how deep and all this is....yes adultery can cause you to lose the house custody of the kids. But you have to prove it, concrete proof, which a thread complaining about her sex life and seeking advice does not do.
 
Louisianalady said:
Ambrosia, it is like you are in my head! You know EXACTLY where I am coming from! Thanks for your support. Very sorry you had to go through that experience with yours.. :shock:
Click to expand...

Your welcome :)

My situation was completely different, sex was never a problem for us, but I understand where you're coming from. if I were you I'd really think about whether you just don't want to be with him, or you just don't want to be with him. I know that sounds vague but I'm sure you know what I mean. Like has it just devolved to like he's just your roomate, your friend you live with? Do you guy do fun things together? Do you want to stay in the marriage? If yes, I'd say no to the affair. But yes to counseling, if he's not willing to that with you...well that's a whole nother matter and something else to contemplate. Even just mentioning counseling for it may get him to realize just how serious you are. He could just think you're like nagging him or something. But if doesn't want to try counseling that wold sound to me like he doesn't even care how you feel, so that's another thing to think about.

Good luck though

and ignore this bitter judgemental resentful fool :D
 
shel90 said:
Blaming it on the woman really really ticks me off.

My ex husband said that I drove him to cheat on me because I didn't get it into with him when having sex. Looking back, he made sex all about him and his needs so I started losing interest in it and then when that happened, he ran out and cheated on me. He blamed me for his cheating. :roll:
Click to expand...

We're not all bad! This has happened to both me and my wife. First it was her losing interest in me then later on in life... it was me losing interest in her. I wouldn't say losing interest per se but I think you catch my drift here. Sexual attraction was elsewhere. Anyway... neither of us cheated on each other or even got close to anything like that though. It's okay to fantasize if that's what works for ya. I'm just saying this whole "all about whoever" and losing interest and stuff... I totally get it. It's okay to be selfish and to want more. It's not okay to throw away what you have built up until that point. If it's your time to dissolve... then it's your time to dissolve. You got the rest of your life to frolick with whoever you like. It's a lot of work for both of us for sure but we both also understand... we're in this for the long run. We've got almost 25 years behind us. I can't wait for the next 25... and she's a friggin' b*tch. My b*tch though...

:hug: :hug: :hug:
 
Louisianalady said:
The thing is first of all, I should not HAVE to tell him. Especially after how long we've been married. Second, a friend of ours was just complaining to us that he cannot figure out what his wife wants because she will not talk to him.. I turned to my husband and said "Oh he knows, I've tried to explain it" .. hubby just shrugged and laughed!

I really think alot of your answers are based on anger that your own marriage obviously did not work out so you have lots of resentment.. I'm sorry for that but do not take it out on me. I have not actually done anything yet, just came here for advice and I can even take a bit of criticism but take your anger somewhere else okay? Thanks
Click to expand...

Wrong. You have to tell him everyday. He knows you love him, etc etc but it sure is nice to hear. It's a proactive nudge that confirms your motives. My wife had a hard time doing this for a couple years once. She still does today sometimes. I'm a little tired of hearing "YOU KNOW! or YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN" etc. etc. It just goes both ways with expressing mundane feelings. We know but you both say it anyway!
 
Steinhauer said:
Anyone that would attempt to publicly humiliate a spouse to justify why they want to cheat is *suspicious* and yes, I assign blame. It is innate.

I have seen this happen to too many "good" people of both genders to see the pattern.
Click to expand...

Publicly humiliate? She did nothing of the sort. In fact the mere creation of this thread tells me that she loves him and wants to do the right thing. You are telling her it is NOT okay to express her frustrations and whatnot. Shift your left nut over to the right side. You won't be so grumpy.
 
ambrosia said:
And that's what you managed to get out of that. smh

I'll expand on that. Notice for a moment, I wasn't talking about her cheating. I was talking about the sexual problems they are currently having. You insinuated that they were probably her fault. Ridiculous, and that his fragile male ego is more important than her needs, so she should just keep her yap shut, even more ridiculous smh
Click to expand...

I see you decided to edit your post after you understood what I was talking about. It still didn't prevent you from going off on another misguided tirade.

I know all about the "blame game". I went through it, and came out unscathed, only because my ex was proven a liar in court. Our experiences have nothing to do, nor are they related in anyway to the OP's situation. I haven't an inkling as to what their sex life is like, and I haven't placed blame on anyone. I do not know the OP, and I do not know you.

However, I do know what guys go through when their wives cheat. And the whole "cheating" part is what I was talking about. It sounds to me like the OP is bored. That is all. If she is bored, her husband probably is too, but its so hard to see that when one holds a centralized "its all about me" view.

But yeah, your experience sounded horrific, no one should have to endure abuse. Not of any kind, not even withholding sex for a year while in a marriage (a lot of courts view that as cruel treatment).

What I have been pointing out to the OP, is if cheating OS on her mind, she should know what she is getting into.

And yes, divorce lawyers have the uncanny ability to locate threads like this and present them in court. So my advice to the OP is, don't cheat. Be honest.
 
Another idea for the OP is for her and her husband to go to a local county superior court and sit in on some nasty divorce cases. Great marriage counselling right there ;)
 
Wanting to spend alone time with your spouse is not a crime, he won't even go on a walk with her. Doesn't seem like the hubby is putting any effort towards her needs. Most guys would love for their spouses to want a better sex life.
 
Like NitroHonda says, try to create some fetish ideas to make appeal go up. Staying with the same person for a long time is very hard work, if not impossible.
 
Steinhauer said:
Another idea for the OP is for her and her husband to go to a local county superior court and sit in on some nasty divorce cases. Great marriage counselling right there ;)
Click to expand...

Who gives a shit. If me and my wife ever split up. It's 50/50. No and if or buts about it. You watch too many movies.
 
ambrosia said:
That sounds deep and all.....

almost as deep as your conclusion that their problems in the bedroom is really him just giving her pity sex, almost as deep as your passive aggressive "that's deep and all"

She nailed it, it sounds an awful lot like your projecting your own feelings of inadequacy from your former marriage.

Anyway....back to how deep and all this is....yes adultery can cause you to lose the house custody of the kids. But you have to prove it, concrete proof, which a thread complaining about her sex life and seeking advice does not do.
Click to expand...


yeah, you seem to be reading into things a little too much. Do you usually try to make men look evil? Just curious :roll:
 
Steinhauer said:
I see you decided to edit your post after you understood what I was talking about. It still didn't prevent you from going off on another misguided tirade.

I know all about the "blame game". I went through it, and came out unscathed, only because my ex was proven a liar in court. Our experiences have nothing to do, nor are they related in anyway to the OP's situation. I haven't an inkling as to what their sex life is like, and I haven't placed blame on anyone. I do not know the OP, and I do not know you.

However, I do know what guys go through when their wives cheat. And the whole "cheating" part is what I was talking about. It sounds to me like the OP is bored. That is all. If she is bored, her husband probably is too, but its so hard to see that when one holds a centralized "its all about me" view.

But yeah, your experience sounded horrific, no one should have to endure abuse. Not of any kind, not even withholding sex for a year while in a marriage (a lot of courts view that as cruel treatment).

What I have been pointing out to the OP, is if cheating OS on her mind, she should know what she is getting into.

And yes, divorce lawyers have the uncanny ability to locate threads like this and present them in court. So my advice to the OP is, don't cheat. Be honest.
Click to expand...

the blame should go to both of them. you don't know if he is cheating on her or thinking about it.
 
NitroHonda said:
Who gives a shit. If me and my wife ever split up. It's 50/50. No and if or buts about it. You watch too many movies.
Click to expand...

Actually, I am not talking about anything I have watched from the movies. I am speaking from personal experience. Maybe you watched that movie "Jumping to Conclusions"?
 
we really don't know the full story of the marriage. The point is she came to us for advice and wanted to know if others have had the same thoughts. marriage is hard work and most people aren't honest about it. at least she is honest about it. I would like to know what's his side of the story. it is hard to place blame when we don't have both sides. just my two cents.
 
shel90 said:
the blame should go to both of them. you don't know if he is cheating on her or thinking about it.
Click to expand...

You probably should re-read the OP's message. The wife is definitely thinking about cheating on her husband, and is definitely blaming her husband's lack of sexual prowess on the reason she is considering it.

I was simply addressing what was known. I never implied the husband was not at fault, nor the wife. I simply listed some probabilities as to what may, or may not be, causing it.

I can tell by some reactions that I may have struck a nerve (nerves get struck when something hits close to the truth).

Please feel free to misinterpret me :)
 
shel90 said:
we really don't know the full story of the marriage. The point is she came to us for advice and wanted to know if others have had the same thoughts. marriage is hard work and most people aren't honest about it. at least she is honest about it. I would like to know what's his side of the story. it is hard to place blame when we don't have both sides. just my two cents.
Click to expand...

That is true.
 
ok, I listened to some personal stories here and would like to share a personal story that may, or may not be, relevant.

My wife's ex husband was abusive - so abusive, that his mother shot and killed him, shot all the family dogs, burned the house down then shot herself. I didn't watch this in a movie. This really happened. My ex wife liked to play the victim in ALL of her former marriages ( I was husband number 3), and her ploy caught up to her, when she cheated on me. I won't go into any further details than that.

Recently, my wife and I had a friend that came to us for help relating to, her claim, that her husband was abusive. So we helped her out. Babysitting (she has two children), I cut her grass when her husband was told to move out by the court. I found her an attorney, I helped her get an interpreter for her court dates, etc. She came across as being one of our close "friends". her and my wife became a whole ya-ya sisterhood thing.

Then one day, before her divorce was final, she met one of my best friends who happened to be between girlfriends. They not only hooked up, she moved in with him (before her divorce was final). I warned her about this and told her to wait until her divorce was final, but she assured me and my wife that she was an adult and knew what she was doing. She completely and totally ignored all warnings ... and it was to her peril. Her (now) ex husband had hired a private investigator to follow her around town and had all the evidence he needed to railroad her in court - and he won.

Guess who she blamed? Yeah ... I am all too familiar with the whole blame game :roll:
 
Steinhauer said:
It is a psychological subconscious "thing". He is probably aware that you no longer find him attractive, and therefore will only put in the barest minimum effort into his "requirement" of having sex with you. He might not even find you all that attractive anymore but is just being polite. That is why he does the same thing over and over again. He isn't going to go all out for a woman he knows doesn't respect or love him. He will not change his pattern if there is no affection. He will continue to do this, subconsciously, without even realizing it, to drive you away.

Guys pick up on stuff like this real quick. Not trying to get in your business or anything - just giving you some straight talk.

If my wife had to tell me how and where and what she wanted done to her every time we had sex, I would be made to feel like I was her own little "dancing monkey". I would feel like a dog and pony show. It would drive me into a shell and I would feel like sex was a "chore". Ball and chain ... don't be one if you still love him.

If you don't love him, get a divorce. It's the only way.

***disclaimer*** no one can tell you how to live your life - but you really shouldn't cheat on the guy - and you shouldn't blame him for the sex 'blahs" in your marriage. Spice things up, go to a drive in movie theater and make out like sex crazed teenagers in the back seat or something. It should be fun, for BOTH of you.
Click to expand...
Ahem, you were plenty clear enough. Big difference between could be and probably.
 
ambrosia said:
Ahem, you were plenty clear enough. Big difference between could be and probably.
Click to expand...

Please feel free to misinterpret me all you want to :wave:

probably and could be are what i call 'probabilities' (probably is the root word of probability - wow - how did that happen?)
 
NitroHonda said:
Publicly humiliate? She did nothing of the sort. In fact the mere creation of this thread tells me that she loves him and wants to do the right thing. You are telling her it is NOT okay to express her frustrations and whatnot. Shift your left nut over to the right side. You won't be so grumpy.
Click to expand...

learn how to read what was actually said and you won't be so judgmental :ty:
 
Back
Top