Making small talk with hearing strangers

[dogmom]

Shel, I do understand why you put out your thoughts on this. Earlier I thought I read about from some of the posters how some folks don't want to have to explain or tell their "story" and sometimes how you end up deciding how far to go with a hearing person<small talk/discussion>. I think I can see what people are writing about.
While I know it is not the same, I wanted to share that a lot of times, because I have LD, I have to decide - well, what am I going to say? Do I really want to explain "this" today? I'm a restaurant and I ask someone how big a sandwich is or whatever; they tell me with a number which means nothing to me. I then weigh this - well, am I just gonna guess? Do I really want to go over this again today? Maybe it'd be easier for the others in the group if I just pretend to get it. But maybe I continue with - "show me with your hands" - and I need to be prepared for "looks" or confusion on the part of the server.

I'm at the mall and I see a clock which I can't read. I never got in the habit of wearing a watch. I ask someone what time is <while thinking to myself - what will I offer as my reasoning for asking when the clock is right there?> So I go on - I have problems reading clocks. So what happens - I get a wrist with watch with hands on it in front me for me to see in answer to my question.

I'm in a group and there's a story about someone with their car and something happened and it was such-and-such feet away and the whole story continues on with that kind of information. So I have no idea what they're talking about and I have to decide - what should I do here?

I am glad you started this thread Shel and I personally don't think it was a fail either. for anyone to read my thoughts on it. I know I am happy to see what was shared-

 

[rockin'robin]

Is it "not true" that all people are "strangers" before they become friends?

I meet people at the stores, mall, Church, etc.,....that start up a conversation with me. Deaf and Hearies alike. I just don't mean "anybody" off the street, who probably that I will never see again....It's people that I see off and on, that will start up a conversation with me. And if I feel like responding, I will...I don't expect Hearies to know sign language, but if they do, that's welcome to me....I can't undy why all this bashing towards Hearies is coming from....

It's true, I've had some unpleasant convos with people when I tell them I'm deaf, by their saying "never mind" etc., etc. But I damn sure don't dwell on it!...Would be a waste of my time! You can pick and choose ur own friends....you can converse with whomever you want to! You can stick up ur nose in the air if a stranger starts talking to you for some reason....and if you don't undy...then walk off!...Then again, that "stranger" could become a very good friend to you. Perhaps they started a convo because of an emergency...or just to be "nice"....and didn't realize you were deaf....just tell them and get it over with...why "pretend" that you know what they are saying if you really don't??....Then again, if you really don't care what they are talking about, then just nod ur head, smile and go about ur own way! Simple as that!

 

[shel90]

Shel, I do understand why you put out your thoughts on this. Earlier I thought I read about from some of the posters how some folks don't want to have to explain or tell their "story" and sometimes how you end up deciding how far to go with a hearing person<small talk/discussion>. I think I can see what people are writing about.
While I know it is not the same, I wanted to share that a lot of times, because I have LD, I have to decide - well, what am I going to say? Do I really want to explain "this" today? I'm a restaurant and I ask someone how big a sandwich is or whatever; they tell me with a number which means nothing to me. I then weigh this - well, am I just gonna guess? Do I really want to go over this again today? Maybe it'd be easier for the others in the group if I just pretend to get it. But maybe I continue with - "show me with your hands" - and I need to be prepared for "looks" or confusion on the part of the server.

I'm at the mall and I see a clock which I can't read. I never got in the habit of wearing a watch. I ask someone what time is <while thinking to myself - what will I offer as my reasoning for asking when the clock is right there?> So I go on - I have problems reading clocks. So what happens - I get a wrist with watch with hands on it in front me for me to see in answer to my question.

I'm in a group and there's a story about someone with their car and something happened and it was such-and-such feet away and the whole story continues on with that kind of information. So I have no idea what they're talking about and I have to decide - what should I do here?

I am glad you started this thread Shel and I personally don't think it was a fail either. for anyone to read my thoughts on it. I know I am happy to see what was shared-

Thanks for sharing your story..I learned a lot from you and didnt realize that people with LD felt the same sometimes when this happen to them.

 

[shel90]

I noticed wikipedia has an entry on the term that associates the hearing with it. Pretty neat.

Awkward silence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Awkward silence


An awkward silence is an uncomfortable pause in a conversation.[1] The unpleasant nature of such silences is associated with feelings of anxiety as the participants feel pressure to speak but are unsure what to say next.[2] It is commonly preceded by an ill-considered remark or an imbalance in which one of the participants makes minimal responses.[3] When Europeans communicate with Japanese, a period of meaningful silence is sometimes misinterpreted as an awkward silence.[4]
[edit] Remediation

Awkward silences may result from a faltering conversation in which the participants have completed what they wanted to say. To avoid such a conclusion, the participants should actively close the conversation by summarising what was said and thanking the others for their contributions.[5]

When prolonged conversation is expected, people may be put at ease and conversation facilitated by contriving topics. In a social setting where people are meeting for the first time, the organiser of the gathering may propose an icebreaker or conversation opener such as a round of introductions. Conversation pieces, such as novel trinkets or artworks, may be used to stimulate continued conversation. In an online setting or virtual reality, an automated agent may be used to monitor and stimulate flagging conversation by suggesting topics.[6]

In art and literature

In Pulp Fiction, Mia and Vincent discuss awkward silences after a pause in their conversation at Jackrabbit Slim's:[7]
“ Don't you hate that?
Hate what?
Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit? In order to be comfortable?
I don't know. That's a good question.
That's when you know you found somebody really special, when you can just shut the fuck up for a minute. Comfortably share silence.

I totally love that!

Very interesting, Niasho.. I am glad I started this thread and that I am not the only one who has these thoughts sometimes when I am busy doing something out in public and someone tries to chat with me for no reason.

Before what Naisho posted, I thought maybe it was because of my deafness but it is nice to know that it not just an issue between deaf and hearing people.

When I am at a social event and hearing people try to chat with me, I do always make an effort to make communication easier for both of us but when I am out doing errands or trying to work out, this happens.

 

[dogmom]

Shel !
welcome I think it's good to learn from each other.

Naisho, and very intriguing about the Japanese and European issue-

I had a <hearing> friend in college and oftentimes we would be together and not discussing anything and it was very comfortable; we'd just sit quietly together and sharing space and companionship.

 

[rain]

The reason threads like this confuse me is because everyone here says "being Deaf is great", "parents shouldn't be sad for their deaf children", "I would never become hearing", etc...and then complain that every single interaction is a struggle, being around 99% of the population is hard, exhausting work, and that it isn't even worth it.

So, I guess my real question is: which is it?

Is your deafness, NOT a handicap, something to be celebrated by parents of deaf children, ASL and written language is all you need in life, hearing doesn't matter

OR

Does your deafness limit your ability to interact with people every single day? You struggle to hear and understand people? If you had a lot more hearing these interactions would be easier, and you wouldn't struggle to understand people? And that parents of deaf children have a lifetime of misunderstanding, struggles, and disappointment to look forward to for their children?

I am hearing, and I also happen to be gay and will apply the same logic here to all your statements: "being Deaf is great", "parents shouldn't be sad for their deaf children", "I would never become hearing" into "being gay is great", "parents shouldn't be sad for their gay children", "I would never become straight"

All the above, at least for me, are true. Oftentimes I wished I was straight because the struggles I encounter (and have encountered) would not have existed, but I feel they've made me stronger and better DESPITE still going through some of them. No 'straight' person knows how it feels to hide who you are (to parents, friends, and strangers) only to "PRETEND" (sound familiar?) to like a certain gender you really don't, though I wouldn't change a thing.

Now given the choice, I'd probably have wanted to be straight BUT because I can't change what can't change, I am left with (and proud!) of what I have, and what I am, because it has become me

 

[sleepytaz]

Shel90- Long time no see.

Often of the times I nod and pretend I understand them and often it was kept short. Smile and nod. There was this one time when I was living in PA- at a train station... there was a lady who said hi... I waved back. She started getting all animated and talking... I followed right on cue... her facial expressions and body language... talking about motorcycle and some sad things... I went like ohh ouch... oh really? Hmm hmmm hmmm... ah! chuckling at some good stories. No sound came out of me heh. That went on for about good ten mins! I didn't really fully understand- yet it was an interesting experience. By then, another lady showed up and the lady started talking to that lady and I was finally left alone! haha. Interesting huh?

Now these days- I just sign if they try to speak to me and still offer what I could offer. Writing on a piece of paper, etc.

Life experience- one is always learning.

 

[Grummer]

I don't think it was an epic fail. Just that some people took it over for their own purpose and others just don't feel comfortable sharing their life experiences. I still learned some things that I did not know, so that tells me that it was not an epic fail. Thank you for starting this thread and I am sorry that it got derailed by people for their own purposes.

I also like Karissa's view, because well, what they both meant was its a question of wisdom to know the difference between the right time to share and the right experiences to share. often than not its niether, its the reaction of other people failing to appreciate the depth of life, meaning to say it is more than often that people fail to reallise that they aren't open minded at all, hell they dont even know the meaning of it.

Shel's intention to run this thread is not doomed, not ill-fated its just happens that we would encounter some icky situations, while others said it that its sometimes best not to share. Others might be more comfortable to share and take on criticism or even ignore the rants, this not only shows boldness or 'lack of wisdom' some more say, but also the thickskinned, but then again it can always even be interpreted as arrogance, there is such a thin line that can change the way is recieved.

I suppose it depends on anything, even mood, or even if a certin number of reccurred experience in holding back experience(S) or the other way around had proved unproductive or stifling then indeed decision could change.

 

[sallylou]

The older I get the less I care about what other people think, which gives me more freedom.

I found this thread helpful. I'm going through a huge adjustment and it helps me to have someone who understands. Thanks to all of you who have supported me! Ya'll rock!

 

[lovezebras]

This happens to me sometimes and i usually just nod in understanding "strangers" usually can't tell and if they do they don't say anything...friends on the other hand notice and they will be like..u didn't hear anything I/we just said did you? lol and laugh cuz they know when I'm just nodding for no reason hahahaha ...I do it with grace too...i'll nod and then say..umm i have NO idea what you just said to me lol ...if I think I'm gonna have a hard time I sign that I'm deaf and just don't voice at all

 

[BecLak]

Most don't believe I am deaf since I am verbal and have mostly clear speech. I have been known to go somewhere and refuse to talk. Just point out that I am deaf and let it go with that.

I have the same problem. "Refuse to talk"- I do that a lot too! I 'switch off' a lot too.

 

[BecLak]

If we were to 'reverse the tables' for the hearies that don't understand this thread.....How would you feel if you were forced to do something you are not comfortable with just because the majority are doing it that way? When hearies interact with the Deaf Community it is either by choice or necessity but never forced to conform against your will. When hearies see Deafies using sign language in public, they don't have to feel they need to sign, but in fact , if they do choose to communicate with a Deaf person, they usually insist on it being interpreted into speech. So, these reactions for the Deaf are normal and not to be criticised by saying we are anti-social. How would you hearies feel, if everyday, you had to explain to a total stranger perhaps several times in one day that you were hearing and you needed interpretation? Perhaps then, you may begin to understand just a little.

 

[shel90]

If we were to 'reverse the tables' for the hearies that don't understand this thread.....How would you feel if you were forced to do something you are not comfortable with just because the majority are doing it that way? When hearies interact with the Deaf Community it is either by choice or necessity but never forced to conform against your will. When hearies see Deafies using sign language in public, they don't have to feel they need to sign, but in fact , if they do choose to communicate with a Deaf person, they usually insist on it being interpreted into speech. So, these reactions for the Deaf are normal and not to be criticised by saying we are anti-social. How would you hearies feel, if everyday, you had to explain to a total stranger perhaps several times in one day that you were hearing and you needed interpretation? Perhaps then, you may begin to understand just a little.

I think some hearing people here will never understand that. They are too stuck in their little box of hearing views.

However, there are others like Jillio who truly understand.

 

[faire_jour]

I think some hearing people here will never understand that. They are too stuck in their little box of hearing views.

However, there are others like Jillio who truly understand.

(First of all, since you are talking about me, just have the guts to say it. Don't hide behind "some people' :roll

Second, my question is, if your life is like this, every single day, and you can not communicate or understand 99% of people, that every interaction is a struggle, and too much work, why should I celebrate my child being deaf? Why would you wish that on anyone??

So, which is it? Are the "audists" right? Is more hearing better? (So you can understand and interact with people) Should every parent be fighting to get their child the best hearing they can OR.....actually, right now, after reading this thread, I can't think of the "or"....

 

[CJB]

Not everything is just about you faire_jour. There are tons of hearing people out there with that mentality, people you and I don't even know. It's not fair to put words in Shel's mouth like that.

And again, your question has been answered. Just because deaf people have complaints about every day annoyances doesn't make them want to be hearing. Hearing people have every day complaints about noises and distractions and other things that pertain to hearing, but that doesn't make them want to be deaf.

 

[CJB]

I am hearing, and I also happen to be gay and will apply the same logic here to all your statements: "being Deaf is great", "parents shouldn't be sad for their deaf children", "I would never become hearing" into "being gay is great", "parents shouldn't be sad for their gay children", "I would never become straight"

All the above, at least for me, are true. Oftentimes I wished I was straight because the struggles I encounter (and have encountered) would not have existed, but I feel they've made me stronger and better DESPITE still going through some of them. No 'straight' person knows how it feels to hide who you are (to parents, friends, and strangers) only to "PRETEND" (sound familiar?) to like a certain gender you really don't, though I wouldn't change a thing.

Now given the choice, I'd probably have wanted to be straight BUT because I can't change what can't change, I am left with (and proud!) of what I have, and what I am, because it has become me

Great analogy!

 

[KristinaB]

(First of all, since you are talking about me, just have the guts to say it. Don't hide behind "some people' :roll

Second, my question is, if your life is like this, every single day, and you can not communicate or understand 99% of people, that every interaction is a struggle, and too much work, why should I celebrate my child being deaf? Why would you wish that on anyone??

So, which is it? Are the "audists" right? Is more hearing better? (So you can understand and interact with people) Should every parent be fighting to get their child the best hearing they can OR.....actually, right now, after reading this thread, I can't think of the "or"....

Again, you still do not understand our POV. Shel was not speaking about you specifically. There are a few others here on AD that are of the same mindset as you. We are not denouncing your views for your daughter. In fact, I think most of us, myself included, applaud your efforts with your daughter. For some of us, that road is unattainable, most especially, the late deafened, or those of us how were hoh as a child and it got worse as time goes on. For me, I usually had no problems with people growing up since my hearing was not real bad. As I got older, the hearing got worse and worse, and daily interaction became harder and harder. Now, I have absolutely no hearing and HA's and CI's will not help. So, I am at a loss. I try to explain to people, they don't accommodate or try. I have family who will not try to learn ASL. This includes my husband, mother, 2 children and brothers. They find it too hard and not what they want. Therefore, it's hard for me. In public, the hearing community is so into the "be like us or don't try to associate with us" mentality, that it's easier to just "nod, bob, and play-act" just to get through. Miss Kat and you have to advantage that she learned ASL early and she has enough residual hearing to be able to work with a CI or 2.

With the advancement of the ADA laws and such, you would think that the general public as a whole, would understand our POV and try to work with us. I'm not saying a total "we will have to learn ASL/BSL/whatever, just so we can communicate. All we want is for people to try to understand what we as deaf and HOH people go through and try to help in small ways. It's hard to explain, but mostly.... We are people too!!

 

[CJB]

I have the same problem. "Refuse to talk"- I do that a lot too! I 'switch off' a lot too.

I hate having to do this, but sometimes I turn my voice off until the person I'm talking to understands I can't hear them. I hate having to do it cause it perpetuates the idea that deaf equals mute. And I have a perfectly good voice that I like to use and it feels like lying not to use it. But the thing is since I sound hearing, people think I am hearing. It's an awkward position to be in. I'm sort of glad to know I'm not the only one that does this, cause sometimes it's really the only way to get the point across.

 

[faire_jour]

Again, you still do not understand our POV. Shel was not speaking about you specifically. There are a few others here on AD that are of the same mindset as you. We are not denouncing your views for your daughter. In fact, I think most of us, myself included, applaud your efforts with your daughter. For some of us, that road is unattainable, most especially, the late deafened, or those of us how were hoh as a child and it got worse as time goes on. For me, I usually had no problems with people growing up since my hearing was not real bad. As I got older, the hearing got worse and worse, and daily interaction became harder and harder. Now, I have absolutely no hearing and HA's and CI's will not help. So, I am at a loss. I try to explain to people, they don't accommodate or try. I have family who will not try to learn ASL. This includes my husband, mother, 2 children and brothers. They find it too hard and not what they want. Therefore, it's hard for me. In public, the hearing community is so into the "be like us or don't try to associate with us" mentality, that it's easier to just "nod, bob, and play-act" just to get through. Miss Kat and you have to advantage that she learned ASL early and she has enough residual hearing to be able to work with a CI or 2.

With the advancement of the ADA laws and such, you would think that the general public as a whole, would understand our POV and try to work with us. I'm not saying a total "we will have to learn ASL/BSL/whatever, just so we can communicate. All we want is for people to try to understand what we as deaf and HOH people go through and try to help in small ways. It's hard to explain, but mostly.... We are people too!!

I totally agree that people are generally a$$holes, but I hope that if you explain, people try to understand, and work with you.

I guess the real issue is with the Deaf people who declare "ASL is all a child needs" and say that parents who give their children CI's are all "audist" and geneocidal, eugenic monsters. I guess I want to put it this way, if your struggles everyday are directly related to being unable to hear and understand people, wouldn't I be helping my child by giving her the ability to hear and understand people??

 

[shel90]

I totally agree that people are generally a$$holes, but I hope that if you explain, people try to understand, and work with you.

I guess the real issue is with the Deaf people who declare "ASL is all a child needs" and say that parents who give their children CI's are all "audist" and geneocidal, eugenic monsters. I guess I want to put it this way, if your struggles everyday are directly related to being unable to hear and understand people, wouldn't I be helping my child by giving her the ability to hear and understand people??

FJ, I have always advocated for the exposure of BOTH to all deaf children.

KristinaB and CJB said it best so I am just going to leave it like that.

Just remember that quote I shared here that my friend made...

"Living life as a hearing person limited me but when I lived as a Deaf person, it freed me."

I dont think it can get more simple than that.