Learning to Let Go

ladysolitary85

ladysolitary85

New Member
Joined
Nov 8, 2010
Messages
1,650
Reaction score
5
It seems to be that time of year where heartaches happens again. Maybe we can help each other out with advice, listen and just be there for each other like we always are.

I for one need a friend to talk to and I couldn't think of better people than you guys.

I was in a 6 yr relationship and my now ex, decided that we needed to break up (because he started questioning if we belonged together, and the split was mutual but more on his part.) Hes hearing, and a lot of times we fight over "I'm not listening" though he knows my hearing has decreased more and more, he tries to remember its not my fault. But a lot of times, he looks to himself as an asshole which maybe why he called the split. But apparently only until January to see if we're better off as friends... I asked him am I supposed to sit around and hope we'll get back together or am I supposed to move on and just view you as a friend? His answer, thats up to you.

Right now, I've got a lot of hurt going on. We had a "break" before but thought it was ok and we could fix it. Less than a year later, another break....

So with that, I'd like to just sit and talk, hear some stories, maybe learn some ways of letting go of something that may not be there.
 
Last edited:
Maybe the advice on a hearing/deaf relationship given here won't be the most unbiased.

I know one person who got a divorce after lots of advice on the evils of coping with a hearing husband, who now deeply regrets it.
 
Love isn't always enough. Yes, it will hurt. And an investment of a large amount of time doesn't make things better if it the relationship isn't right anyhow.

Not all hearies will behave like that. My hearing has gotten worse the last 7-10 years; I've been married over 17. At first my husband did the "never mind" thing, but soon he realized it wasn't my fault. Now he repeats things (even stupid things I didn't hear) because he finally understands how frustrating it is for me. And if I ever lose all my hearing, he will learn sign. This man I will love forever.
 
Ladysolitary, I sympathize with you. Logistically, how does this break work if you're still living with him? If there is any way possible that you could move out, that might help clear your mind.
 
mbrek said:
Love isn't always enough. Yes, it will hurt. And an investment of a large amount of time doesn't make things better if it the relationship isn't right anyhow.

Not all hearies will behave like that. My hearing has gotten worse the last 7-10 years; I've been married over 17. At first my husband did the "never mind" thing, but soon he realized it wasn't my fault. Now he repeats things (even stupid things I didn't hear) because he finally understands how frustrating it is for me. And if I ever lose all my hearing, he will learn sign. This man I will love forever.
Click to expand...

I have dated only hearing men and only one guy that made fun of my speech,it was the guy I married! I think more hearing men are understanding about this, there will always be a few guys or women will not take the time and repeat what they said. I think it would help if you could find your own place as living with your friend will only make it harder to let go. I am sorry to hear you're going through this, I know it not easy and I hope you have some friends close by to support you.
 
Ahhh Lady...you going thru this again??....Seriously, I would not stay in that apartment with this guy!...As you said you were not the kind to leave the apartment "high & dry"....well, I'd leave it high and almighty!...Why are you thinking of him?....Ur main concern right now is YOU....and the hurt you are feeling.....Is he sitting around feeling hurt or crying?...I bet NOT...

Hope you have a girlfriend you can spend some time with to get a better grasp of the best route for you to take....even get a motel room if possible, just get away from this man.
 
rockin'robin said:
Ahhh Lady...you going thru this again??....Seriously, I would not stay in that apartment with this guy!...As you said you were not the kind to leave the apartment "high & dry"....well, I'd leave it high and almighty!...Why are you thinking of him?....Ur main concern right now is YOU....and the hurt you are feeling.....Is he sitting around feeling hurt or crying?..:hmm:.I bet NOT...

Hope you have a girlfriend you can spend some time with to get a better grasp of the best route for you to take....even get a motel room if possible, just get away from this man.
Click to expand...

That's a very good question! If he isn't feeling that way why are u the only one? :hmm:
 
I won't offer advice, not knowing enough about you, him or the relationship, but I do just want to offer you my sympathies for the pain you're going through right now. Going through a breakup is always terrible and the confusion youre dealing with in your current situation certainly can't be any better. I'm sorry youre dealing with this, and really hope it gets better one way or the other soon.

I'm confident that you'll come out of this just fine!

:hug:
 
Ildri said:
I won't offer advice, not knowing enough about you, him or the relationship, but I do just want to offer you my sympathies for the pain you're going through right now. Going through a breakup is always terrible and the confusion youre dealing with in your current situation certainly can't be any better. I'm sorry youre dealing with this, and really hope it gets better one way or the other soon.

I'm confident that you'll come out of this just fine!

:hug:
Click to expand...

thanks *hugs* that's pretty much all I really wanted was someone to talk to and maybe others out there going through some pain issues too. I didn't intentionally mean for people to directly give me advice but giving ideas of how to get over a long relationship.

And if that was the first impression, sorry guys I was venting and caught up in my emotion at the time.
 
I'm sorry to hear of your heart ache. I think you're in a painful place, like clinging onto a rose branch with thorns digging into your hands. Holding on to this relationship is hurting you, but if you let go you lose all that you've put into it and you're gonna worry about what will happen afterwards. I've seen you write about your relationship in other threads and going by what you've written, I think the less painful path is to let go and move on. He has hurt you before and seems to lack empathy for you. But I'm only going by what you've written here on AD, so obviously I don't have the full picture. There's no formula for letting go, but trust your heart and connect with the emotions that flow from it, however painful it is at the time. In my experience there's a secret wisdom that we carry deep in our hearts that will eventually show us the best way forward. Again I'm sorry to hear of your heart ache. :hug:
 
Thanks AJW, I'm just taking it one day at a time.

So far, I've tried to do a few things to help myself.

"Never make someone a priority when your only an option to them" quote really hits home.

Went to the store and decided to get some self-pampering stuff for myself. Needless to say I'm at my zen moment.. ommmm... calm, no stress zone :)

Still looking for a few things to help me ease the pain.
 
ladysolitary85 said:
Still looking for a few things to help me ease the pain.
Click to expand...

I went through a fairly brutal breakup over the summer. Things that helped me the most were:

  • Keeping busy, not dwelling on what had happened
  • My friends
  • My pets
  • Realizing all the things that were wrong with the relationship, that I'd just made excuses for before
  • Just doing things that were totally for me, and thinking about things I could do in the future- for example, I was engaged to this guy. On what was supposed to be my wedding day, I'm thinking about going skydiving or something instead :giggle:

I hope some of these could work for you, or give you some ideas. Good luck, Lady!

Stay strong! :)
 
Relationships don't break up because one person ended it, there is dual fault to be sure. Having said that, were was the relationship going? Where you two living together or getting married? What did you want out of the relationship? After six years, it doesn't sound to me like both of you wanted the same thing.
 
ladysolitary85 said:
thanks *hugs* that's pretty much all I really wanted was someone to talk to and maybe others out there going through some pain issues too. I didn't intentionally mean for people to directly give me advice but giving ideas of how to get over a long relationship.

And if that was the first impression, sorry guys I was venting and caught up in my emotion at the time.
Click to expand...

I think it would help to try and find some ways to fill you days and keep your mind busy as possible so you not feel so alone. There is really no quick fix for a break up, it take time to heal your pain and grief the lost of the relationship , this is why I really hope you have friends close by to give a you hugs and support when needed. I got a hearing dog after I divorced my husband and he was smarter than my ex husband!
 
You are stronger than you realize. Put it to the test, you'll seldom be disappointed in the end!
 
VacationGuy234 said:
Relationships don't break up because one person ended it, there is dual fault to be sure. Having said that, were was the relationship going? Where you two living together or getting married? What did you want out of the relationship? After six years, it doesn't sound to me like both of you wanted the same thing.
Click to expand...

We were together for 6 years, engaged for 4, we tried setting a date but random things financially would pop up. To put it lightly, hes attracted to one of his friends (that I'm friends with as well) more than he should be in a relationship, but he was honest to me about it. I decided we should all talk face to face. She told him if he couldn't control his feelings, they couldn't be friends. We all should do things as a group, and the texting needs to be limited. That same night him and I talked, and because of our past issues of arguing, and because of his feelings for another (in which she doesn't see him at all in that way) he laid out the break without means to see others til Jan to see if we're better friends or together.

So thats the deeper part of it.
 
I recall there were some issues with him dealing with your deafness; mocking you and refusing to learn sign. I can understand playful teasing, but what I remember was that he was refusing to grow into your world. You did not choose to lose your hearing; that choice was made for you. He chose to stay in the hearing world, without you. I think it is too much work for him to change for you. Instead, he took the easy way out by leaving. Please do not become a warm body when he is lonely. Make the break all the way. All the time you keep hoping he comes back is time you are not open to a better man. When you have a fish on the hook, another fish cannot be hooked. Take this "fish" off and throw it back into the ocean. Watch the bubbles. (((hugs)))
 
Honestly, I think I need to look into therapy of some kind.... I've got anxiety, depression and a great deal of fear of being rejected or abandoned.

In the mean time, I need to find some at home anti-stress things to do.
 
i think you are better off without him. he doesn't seem to understand the fact that your hearing is deteriorating and i think that's unfair. it's not your fault at all. and you said he's into his friend? you deserve much better than this. you need a guy who's interested in ONLY you. i know how painful it feels, but time heals wounds. in the long run, you will be happier without him.

like the others said, keep yourself busy. hang out with people who make you happy. do fun activities such as shopping, bowling, eating out, getting pampered at salons, meeting new people at deaf events, etc. it will help you keep your mind off him. like you i have depression and anxiety, and i do whatever it takes to keep me busy.
 
Back
Top