If you truly forgive, do you then forget?

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LovingLife

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If part of who we are is shaped by the accumulated hurts that began in childhood & continue throughout our lives. We’ve all been wounded by parents… spouses… children… friends… neighbors… co-workers… & enemies.

Is it really possible to forgive and forget?

If you truly forgive, do you then forget?
 
Well, we just learned that us deaf folks are going to have memory problems so I guess we will.:giggle:

But no, I don't think you ever forget. I think you just stop obsessing about it, it takes a back seat in your mind instead of right there in your frontal lobe thinking about it and thinking about it. That's when you've really forgiven someone, when you can just stop thinking about it.
 
no such thing. no such thing as "truly" forgive either.

either you forgive'em or you don't. it's not about if it's possible to forgive and forget. it's about if you can forgive them and move on. if you forgive them but still have a doubt in mind, then you really haven't forgive them and it's not really a forgiveness.

you forgive them for what they did and move on. if you cannot really forgive them, then just say it and cut'em out of your life and move on.
 
Also let's say you "forgave" someone, but then 6 months, a year down the road, you get in an argument, and you bust out this "worng" done to you and you start beating it like a dead horse.....then you never really forgave the person in the first place or you wouldn't still be holding it against them.
 
Sicilians forget nothing.....:cool2: Depending on the situation, I think some remarkable people can forgive but I don't think it's human to forget. Personally, I have a hard time forgiving people that have made my life Hell...but then I'm not running for sainthood so I'll just leave that up to God....

Laura
 
:hmm:..good question...as someone did me seriously wrong...never did apologized...even tho' I gave that person ample opportunities to do so....and that person passed away Jan. 5th....it weighed heavy on my mind. Lots of sadness...thinking and wondering "why" that person chose to run away from the fact instead of facing it and asking for my forgiveness...hmm:

So of course, I haven't forgotton it...and who knows?...Maybe I'll get that apology in the next Life....I don't dwell on it tho', as it makes no sense to do so.....
 
There's an old saying. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

I never forget evildoers.
 
I dont know if I can forgive my ex hubby for taking my daughter away. People say I should but how? He hurt my two children.
 
An important question for me. It is not all that simple.

I have encountered substantial problems from a certain cultural subset of people. As I studied their culture, I came to understand them better, including why they do as they do. I came to understand them as being just as much victims as I was. I no longer give them space in my frontal lobes. However, my conditioning runs deep. I believe that I can cope when I see warning signs that an individual belongs to that culture, and deal rationally with the situation, knowing that I can hide the characteristics that trigger their prejudice. I thus avoid the possibility of a confrontation, and maybe can work in subtle ways to undermine some of their flawed thinking.

I can therefore forgive, but to forget is unwise. Forgetting is a characteristic of PTSD, and results in unexpected explosions.

you "forgave" someone, but then 6 months, a year down the road, you get in an argument, and you bust out this "wrong" done to you and you start beating it like a dead horse.....then you never really forgave the person in the first place or you wouldn't still be holding it against them.
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That is the flaw in this reasoning. I needed to work through those hurts, and realize that the person (or group) has a tendency to do whatever it was, and protect myself from a recurrence, realizing that the individual or group has some positive traits.

Some people are so caught up in their culture that the thought of an apology is totally alien to them. They think they have every right to do what they do, because that is what they have been taught from early childhood. Just let go and walk away. They are the victims. They are the victims. Repeat it until you believe it. :lol:
 
Yes, I feel it is possible to forgive someone who has hurt you, even when that hurt has been very deep.. And it not only can happen, but it needs to happen—for few things will damage us more than an unforgiving spirit. Like an infected wound that festers and refuses to heal, an unforgiving spirit destroys our joy and robs us of peace. One reason is because an unforgiving spirit becomes a breeding ground for all kinds of destructive emotions, such as anger, resentment and bitterness.

Being unwilling to request forgiveness is just as damaging to the spirit.
 
In my situation, an unforgiving spirit is their problem.
 
The Wisdom of Forgiveness
“If we think only of ourselves, forget about other people, then our minds occupy very small area. Inside that small area, even tiny problem appears very big. But the moment you develop a sense of concern for others, you realize that, just like ourselves, they also want happiness; they also want satisfaction. When you have this sense of concern, your mind automatically widens. At this point, your own problems, even big problems, will not be so significant. The result? Big increase in peace of mind. So, if you think only of yourself, only your own happiness, the result is actually less happiness. You get more anxiety, more fear.”

― Dalai Lama XIV
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"So to be able to forgive your enemies can make a difference to one's spiritual progress?" I asked the Dalai Lama.

"Yes, yes, there is no doubt," he replied. "It's crucial. It's one of the most important thing. It can change one's life. To reduce hatred and other destructive emotions, you must develop their opposites - compassion and kindness. If you have strong compassion, strong respect for others, then forgiveness much easier. Mainly for this reason: I do not want to harm another. Forgiveness allows you to be in touch with these positive emotions. This will help with spiritual development."

"Is there a special meditation technique that you use?" I asked.

"I use meditation technique called giving and taking," the Dalai Lama explained. "I make visualization: send my positive emotions like happiness, affection, to others. Then another visualization: I visualize receiving their sufferings, their negative emotions. I do this every day. I pay special attention to the Chinese - especially those doing terrible things to the Tibetans. So, as I meditate, I breathe in all their poisons - hatred, fear, cruelty. Then I breathe out. And I let all the good things come out, things like compassion, forgiveness. I take inside my body all these bad things. Then I replace poisons with fresh air. Giving and taking. I take care not to blame - I don't blame the Chinese, and I don't blame myself. This meditation very effective, useful to reduce hatred, useful to cultivate forgiveness."
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about the last part - it's what I do but I have to say that it does carry a feeling of heavy burden. that's why I like my solitude half of time.
 
Jiro said:
no such thing. no such thing as "truly" forgive either.

either you forgive'em or you don't. it's not about if it's possible to forgive and forget. it's about if you can forgive them and move on. if you forgive them but still have a doubt in mind, then you really haven't forgive them and it's not really a forgiveness.

you forgive them for what they did and move on. if you cannot really forgive them, then just say it and cut'em out of your life and move on.
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Did just that...cut them out of my Life and moved on....but it didn't stop them from coming back time and time again and bringing the discontent back to the surface.....
 
Not easy. To give back love when you have been given the fruits of hatred.
 
I have been taught by people that inspired my admiration and respect that forgiveness is good. I would not have come up with it on my own.

I see it as one of those practice things. I work at it, I sure don't know all I know about it. When I have done it, it is like the sun coming out of the clouds. Sometimes it takes a whole lot of doing and a long time. It is a part of making peace with the past.
It is my nature to have a sliding scale on that subject.
Forgetting is usually not a part of it; when I forget it seems like things are open for a repeat performance.
If I want forgiveness then I have to practice it myself. If I want peace of mind and the ability to move forward from a mental prison then I better get moving on forgiving something.
Vengeance is mighty helpful towards forgiving but it works best if I am not the one doing it.
Peace and love - they still have a nice ring to them.
 
It is so hard to try and not remember things that trigger your thoughts and emosions . but, a holiday ,or passing them on the street . and old thought. its hard. especially when you have made a point to ask them to forgive you. I have picked up moved 2000 miles and it still haunts me everyday that the people I once was so close with are yet so far away.. Prayers are with you in your thoughts and hope that somewhere you can find the answer you seek. who knows we may never know..
 
Thanks, people. This discussion helped me a lot with my writing project.
 
my mother as the bitch from hell ruined my childhood and something i will never forgive her for..i just wish i had guts tell her.i hope i can before she meets the devil in hell
 
Wirelessly posted

I will forgive people since I really don't hold grudges for too long. But that does not mean I will forget. By saying that I will never fully trust the person I have forgiven. I keep my distance, so I do not get hurt again by that individual. I do no dwell on bad things that happens in the past, but sometimes it does creep back to me. Some things you just can not turn off like a light switch and just forget that it ever happened.
 
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