Always the elephant in the room...

[sallylou]

You can't just say the past is the past. Abby and Caroline need their experiences and feelings validated. That means listening and accepting them without judging or feeling like you have to fix them. They have to grieve the profound loses before they can move on. They have to acknowledge how their experience has hurt them and continues to raise significant emotional issues. The Deaf/HOH community needs to support them while they heal. They will move ahead at their own pace. They must be in control of their healing process and their decisions now.

 

[jillio]

You can't just say the past is the past. Abby and Caroline need their experiences and feelings validated. That means listening and accepting them without judging or feeling like you have to fix them. They have to grieve the profound loses before they can move on. They have to acknowledge how their experience has hurt them and continues to raise significant emotional issues. The Deaf/HOH community needs to support them while they heal. They will move ahead at their own pace. They must be in control of their healing process and their decisions now.

Well said.

 

[Journey]

Speculating on their thought process is all I can do, as my parents get tight-lipped and emotional if I ask them out of curiosity. I have a theory on my family, however. My grandparents immigrated (or emigrated?) to Detroit in the 30s/40s, and for the Italians, it was considered a source of pride and sign of success to learn English and assimilate fully into American culture. So perhaps pushing audism on me was repeating the family's pathology of pro-assimilation - on top of the usual audism propaganda?

I think this is a very astute speculation . What I think all parenting choices comes down to is one simple fact - we make decisions based on our knowledge and experience at the time believing it is what is best to help ensure our childrens' happiness and success. If, down the road, it comes to light that any decision or choice was wrong, it is human nature to feel guilt and heartbreak about these failings - and that is often expressed by defensiveness. Discussing failings as a parent can be THE most difficult thing to do. Choices made were made out of love and discussing wrong choices in the past equates (in some parents' minds) to saying a parent loved you 'wrong' all those years. That is where the guilt and heartbreak steps in and shows up in defensiveness and silence.

All deep thoughts aside ;-), congrats on the wedding and best wishes for a successful toe-dipping into ASL.

 

[Abby Nicole]

Wow, all of your posts are very thought-provoking.

I have a feeling once we unshackle ourselves from the past, only then can we really move forward in a positive direction. I wish for my family to stop ignoring the elephant in the room, and allow open dialogue so that we might find clarity and peace in one another. The emotional scars are not healing because they are continually ignored or perpetuated in our family's dysfunction.

Hey AD, as a disclaimer, I'm not all doom and gloom - this thread has given me a lot to reflect on. Not gonna be that token debbie downer on every thread, lol.

 

[sallylou]

We're here to help each other. Meanwhile, we'll have a little fun.

 

[CSign]

You can't just say the past is the past. Abby and Caroline need their experiences and feelings validated. That means listening and accepting them without judging or feeling like you have to fix them. They have to grieve the profound loses before they can move on. They have to acknowledge how their experience has hurt them and continues to raise significant emotional issues. The Deaf/HOH community needs to support them while they heal. They will move ahead at their own pace. They must be in control of their healing process and their decisions now.

Was this comment directed at me, because it sure seems that way. I'm not sure why you think I or anyone else is trying to "fix" them, there is nothing to be fixed. I can say the past is the past- in no way am I invalidating her experience. I was trying to offer words of support and encouragement that she is in control now- she holds the key to her destiny. I realize that their history is deep, and it takes time to come to terms with these things.

 

[Journey]

Don't get me wrong, I agree with you - ignoring or avoiding problems does not stop dysfunction nor help heal and move forward away from it. My thoughts were just reflecting on the reasons why it can be so difficult and why the 'child' is often ready for these discussions long before the 'parent' is open to them.

And I certainly have not felt you have been a debbie downer on this thread by any means ... more of a forthright francis lol and that is always appreciated because that is how good conversation starts ;-).

 

[jillio]

Wow, all of your posts are very thought-provoking.

I have a feeling once we unshackle ourselves from the past, only then can we really move forward in a positive direction. I wish for my family to stop ignoring the elephant in the room, and allow open dialogue so that we might find clarity and peace in one another. The emotional scars are not healing because they are continually ignored or perpetuated in our family's dysfunction.

Hey AD, as a disclaimer, I'm not all doom and gloom - this thread has given me a lot to reflect on. Not gonna be that token debbie downer on every thread, lol.

You can heal the scars and find the peace for yourself whether your family ever gets to the point of being able to engage in productive discourse or not. All it takes is an understanding community that will support you and validate you. You have found that, for the most part, here.

 

[jillio]

Was this comment directed at me, because it sure seems that way. I'm not sure why you think I or anyone else is trying to "fix" them, there is nothing to be fixed. I can say the past is the past- on no way am I invalidating her experience. I was trying to offer words of support and encouragement that she is in control now- she holds the key to her destiny. I realize that their history is deep, and it takes time to come to terms with these things.

No, none of this is about you. It is about the poster that started the thread. Let's keep it that way. This is her journey.

While she may hold the key, there are others still holding the lock for her. They are interfering with her being able to use the key. That is why she needs the understanding and validation from those who can empathize completely with what she shares.

 

[CSign]

No, none of this is about you. It is about the poster that started the thread. Let's keep it that way. This is her journey.

While she may hold the key, there are others still holding the lock for her. They are interfering with her being able to use the key. That is why she needs the understanding and validation from those who can empathize completely with what she shares.

Oh, ok. Thank you for clearing that up for me

 

[sallylou]

Csign, I had a very traumatic childhood and there are some things that I'll never get over. I've had a lot of therapy and a long healing journey. My explanation is intended to help Abby and Caroline and make all of us mindful of how we can help. It breaks my heart when I have to tell my husband that I'm still struggling with certain feelings, but I have to be honest. If we don't share our thoughts, we will struggle alone and not heal.

I don't know why you're so defensive. If haven't had any trauma and haven't struggled with mental illness, you are fortunate and I'm happy for you. Let the rest of us say what we need to say.

 

[CSign]

Csign, I had a very traumatic childhood and there are some things that I'll never get over. I've had a lot of therapy and a long healing journey. My explanation is intended to help Abby and Caroline and make all of us mindful of how we can help. It breaks my heart when I have to tell my husband that I'm still struggling with certain feelings, but I have to be honest. If we don't share our thoughts, we will struggle alone and not heal.

I don't know why you're so defensive. If haven't had any trauma and haven't struggled with mental illness, you are fortunate and I'm happy for you. Let the rest of us say what we need to say.

I get it Sallylou... My comment about the past wasn't intended to mean that the past doesn't matter. I fully grasp how our experiences as we grow shape our perception of ourselves and the world. I think it's a good thing for you guys to share your experiences,reflect on things, provide support etc.

My comment was not to invalidate, but to provide words of support and encouragement for the future. Abby- if you perceived that differently than intended, my apologies.

 

[sallylou]

Thank you for clarifying, Csign. This topic is hard and we're limited in the way we can communicate on this forum. Jill can explain this better than I can. I'm trying to ask for what I need and to support others in similar situations. You'd think that asking for what you need would be simple, but not all of us learned to do that growing up.

 

[Abby Nicole]

I get it Sallylou... My comment about the past wasn't intended to mean that the past doesn't matter. I fully grasp how our experiences as we grow shape our perception of ourselves and the world. I think it's a good thing for you guys to share your experiences,vreflect on things, provide support etc.

My comment was not to invalidate, but to provide words of support and encouragement for the future. Abby- if you perceived that differently than intended, my apologies.

No need to apologize, I understand your message and joining AD is intentionally my first step away from the past and towards a brighter future. Discussing my past with all of you has been cathartic because your empathy and sharing similar stories reinforces that I did not just imagine all of it, it wasn't a childish overreaction.

 

[jillio]

Thank you for clarifying, Csign. This topic is hard and we're limited in the way we can communicate on this forum. Jill can explain this better than I can. I'm trying to ask for what I need and to support others in similar situations. You'd think that asking for what you need would be simple, but not all of us learned to do that growing up.

The thing is, unless you address the person from where they are, rather than where you peceive them to be, comments will be perceived as invalidation. Advise is not what is needed. Being understood is. Advise comes across as paternalistic and minimizing. People just need to know that someone understands what they are saying, because that is an experience that is so rare for them. The past doesn't really need to be abandoned. It is a part of us. It simply needs to perhaps be re-framed and accepted for what it is.

 

[deafdyke]

Thank you, that brought tears to my eyes. The AG Bell award epitomizes my life, I was praised and congratulated on how well I concealed being deaf. It took years to figure out why that award and organization had an unsettling effect on me.

And yet you never even had the advantage of say going off to CID/Clarke/St. Joseph's. Although oral only sucks, the kids who got to attend CID/Clarke/St. Josephs and other oral deaf schools were the lucky ones. The thing is that oral only is very pro assimluation and " Oh the hearing world is the best thing in the world! They do not and cannot understand the negative
downsides of oral only and mainstreaming.

 

[sallylou]

People just need to know that someone understands what they are saying, because that is an experience that is so rare for them.

That is correct. Telling someone to move forward doesn't show understanding. It's the opposite. Someone feels uncomfortable with the sad feelings and it seems like the sad person is being silenced. The reaction of the sad person is to shut down. A better response would be "gee, you had a hard childhood and I hope that you find peace with it because you deserve better."

 

[shel90]

Thank you, that brought tears to my eyes. The AG Bell award epitomizes my life, I was praised and congratulated on how well I concealed being deaf. It took years to figure out why that award and organization had an unsettling effect on me.

Oh wow..you and Deafbajagal are pratically twins!


Also, I was paraded by AGbell as an oral success as well (didnt win any awards) but did also suffer the consequences of trying to be "hearing".

Now, I am a happy woman who has Deaf culture and ASL in her life.

to AD!

 

[shel90]

You see, the message that is communicated to the deaf/hoh child is picked up by the hearing sibs as well. They also learn that who they are is just not quite good enough, and to carry a false front to protect themselves.

And boy, did I play that game as well growing up!

 

[Buffalo]

Speculating on their thought process is all I can do, as my parents get tight-lipped and emotional if I ask them out of curiosity. I have a theory on my family, however. My grandparents immigrated (or emigrated?) to Detroit in the 30s/40s, and for the Italians, it was considered a source of pride and sign of success to learn English and assimilate fully into American culture. So perhaps pushing audism on me was repeating the family's pathology of pro-assimilation - on top of the usual audism propaganda?

Getting really deep here for a Saturday afternoon, hah! Anyways, I've really enjoyed meeting all of you - this has been an eye-opening experience.

I grew up in Detroit and there were many Italians in my neighborhood.