Can you give us an example in your case and we can go from there??
Sure, I can give you an example! I was working at a grocery store during college, and this girl came up to me and gave me a hug. I thought, "Okay, she wants to be friends." I was trying to figure out what it was we had in common, as I was just your typical person in Texas, and she was more into the New Wave thing at the time. She asked for a ride home, since her partner didn't show up to pick her up (as she was still in high school, though over 18). I gladly obliged. And as it was night and we rounded the corner away from the store to get on the street behind it, she asked me to stop as she had something to tell me. I thought, "Okay..." I had no idea what came next; she kissed me!! I was very surprised! What, why me?? It went from there, but it barely lasted two months before she told me she couldn't sneak behind her partner's back anymore. I was shocked because I thought she had broken up with her previous partner, but umm, (I hate it when they tell me this) she felt sorry for me, as she knew I wasn't with anybody and appeared frustrated (and I was! My hormones were raging in those days!).
Here's another one. It wasn't until more than 8 years later before I had another dating opportunity. No one ever asked me out, and the few I did ask out said no. But this one, we were classmates in college for our masters program. She did the same thing by surprising me, except this time, she was free as a bird, not attached to anyone. We had LOTS of fun that weekend. A week later, we were walking back from class to her house near campus. I noticed she was keeping her distance from me, and I thought, "Now what?" So, we just kept walking. We sat down and talked. Again, she let me down. And boy, she was honest by saying explicitly, "Look, remember when I asked if you were seeing anyone and if you were gay? I asked because I wanted to know if I could approach you. I mean, you're deaf and very different. Different enough to not date. I wanted to give you some relief, to have some sex, some fun because you don't get it." Here we go, charity f* again.
You see, the longest relationship I've had was chaotic; 13 months of questioning why we were together. I'm not getting into this one. I just know, looking back on it, that it wasn't right for me to start with, but I was desperate to be with SOMEONE, and that's never a good basis for a relationship.
Now, the last relationship was nearly 6 years ago. I'm still not sure exactly why it is that we got together in the first place, but I guess because we needed some attention because we weren't getting it. She had a disability that was going to be hard to live with, but I was going to anyway. We weren't a good fit for each other, anyway. That one lasted two months.
So, I have not dated anyone since. Nobody ever asked me, and I haven't seen anyone in just the right circumstances. And this time, there will be no more charity F*s. I think I have grown enough to be able to understand how to avoid the basic ones in the future. If I ever do have another relationship, I will have to learn how to avoid the not-so-obvious charity F*s. You know, the ones that avoid facing within themselves just why did they get with me in the first place for a long time, and finally, they have enough a few months later, but keep up the front that they're interested in me until they start having nightmares.
....thought you were a dude, also....