Is It Appropriate To .....

[Reba]

...What you did is rude and bad manner.

What did I do?

I would say it's shame of them to greed foods and drink for free... because they can't afford to pay a wedding gift... or don't have to pay gifts but greed foods and drink on bride and groom's expenses for free... Greedy, Rude, arrogant and Selfish...

I guess that's the American and European difference.

Americans think that it's greedy, rude, arrogant, and selfish (not to mention, cheapskate) to expect guests to pay for their food and drinks if they have been invited as guests.

Of course they expect the guests to eat and drink. Isn't that the reason the hosts provide food and drinks?

I don't think I could enjoy myself at an event if the host thought I was "greedy" for eating and drinking what they serve.

You almost make it sound like the only reason people are invited to weddings is to get loot from them.

 

[Liebling:-)))]

I guess our definition of "guest" is different. When a host invites a guest, yes, the host provides everything without expectation of renumeration. That's what it means to invite someone to a social event.

It doesn't mean that we expect too much from them but everyone knows what it's accord wedding tradition.

If you notice the wording on an invitation, it usually states, "So-and-So request the honor of your presence at . . . " That means, the hosts consider it an honor for you, the guest, to show up in person. Period.

Yes, guests' present at my wedding is most important to me because their present mean me alot but it's normal that everyone knows what is Wedding Tradition about. Everyone do that automatic when they recieve an invitation card. This is so.

I come for Bride and Groom and enjoy their wedding, period.

If the host expects payment in exchange for food, drink, and entertainment, then they should sell tickets and call the attendees "customers" instead of "guests".

:jaw:

If the host can't afford a fancy banquet, then the host should scale down plans to fit his/her budget. That's much better than expecting the "guests" to subsidize the plans.

Huh? How do we know that the host can't afford a fancy wedding? They are an adult and know their budget either they can acheive a big wedding or not. It's their choice, not us. I'm not here to critizie their budget and tell them what to do.

Of course, most wedding guests want to give presents to the bride and groom. But that's voluntary, not required, not an exchange for food and drink.

It's bad manner and rude to going wedding to greed their foods and drink for free. Who says that guests' gifts are as an exchange for foods and drink... It make no sense to me... Its about manner. We were raised to know that we automatic to fulfill bride and groom's wish accord wedding tradition.

Or is there someone at the wedding keeping a tally of gift values for each guest to judge how much they're allowed to eat? Or do guests call up the bride ahead of time, and ask how much the food costs so they can buy a gift that matches the cost? Of course, not!

Sorry, it make no sense to me... Who says that guests judge how much they are allow to eat? How much they allow to spent the gift or money for bride and groom? No matter how much foods and drink, gifts and money costs but its about manner and respect accord wedding tradition. Without something in hands, go their wedding... too embarrassment... :cold:

Why do you feel sorry for them? The bride and groom's wish is for their guests to attend the wedding.

Don't twist my word. I said that I feel sorry for bride and groom whom the guests come for their foods and drink and pleasure... without something in their hands.

I would feel sorry for the bride and groom if none of their guests showed up. That would be sad.

I already stated in my previous post to check with bride and groom few weeks to months before they are able to accept their invitation.

 

[Reba]

I'm not offend if anyone told me that they don't like my gift because I appreicate their honestly. I rather to listen them directly than learn from someone else. I like friends who are honset with me. I really HATE people who play flattery and 2 face to me... and tell me "awww your gift is beautiful" and then complaint to someone about my gift. Its' my pet peeves....

Yes, it certainly is bad manners to complain about a gift to other people. That is bad gossip.

 

[Kuifje75]

What did I do?


I guess that's the American and European difference.

Americans think that it's greedy, rude, arrogant, and selfish (not to mention, cheapskate) to expect guests to pay for their food and drinks if they have been invited as guests.

Of course they expect the guests to eat and drink. Isn't that the reason the hosts provide food and drinks?

I don't think I could enjoy myself at an event if the host thought I was "greedy" for eating and drinking what they serve.

You almost make it sound like the only reason people are invited to weddings is to get loot from them.

No, it is not an European way. Europe is a huge land mass, and you can't expect that the whole of Europe follows Lieblings' way.

I was invited to people's houses on several occasions in Europe and they were always very happy to have me visit them even if I came bearing simple gifts or not. I also told them that they are more than welcome to visit me in the US, and that I would love to show them around in the US.

Most of the time, Germans or French, if they are invited to someone's house, bring something small like cheese, or a bottle of wine, or a dessert to compliment the dinner. It is always greatly appreciated. But the real issue here is not to expect anything, even though you know they will bring something anyway.

 

[Reba]

No, RebelGirl is correct.

RebelGirl posted, "I mean come on, there's no rules in the 2000's. Seriously.. its the book of rules.. and that's old." You agree with that?

So, I guess your "rule" about empty hands no longer applies?

"Please" and "thank you" are gone.

No more "RSVPs".

We can all be rude, crude and lewd to each other because these are the 2000's.

Fine.

We follow our heart what we really wish instead of follow this "rules" and do what the rules say and respect guest and play for guests. It's about Bride and Groom, not us because it's their wedding, their choice, their decision. It's our duty to respect and honar Bride and Groom on their special day.

Rules are all about respect for others. Without rules, there is no respect. You agree with RebelGirl that there are no more rules. So, there is no more respect.

OK.

I guess there really is no point in us discussing what is "appropriate" if all the rules are gone and this is 2007. There is no more such thing as "appropriate" or "inappropriate".

If it feels good, do it. Oops! That's from the 1960's, so we can't use that either. :roll:

 

[shel90]

Honestly, I wouldn't feel offended at all, she just wanted to let others know so they don't buy the same thing, it not like she asking you that you MUST buy something , she is just giving ideas of what she wanted as a gift that's only IF you were plan on getting her something....

No no...it is not about telling us we must buy something. It is telling us to communicate with each other and buying a specific gift I may not be able to afford.

I was just her college buddy and had just met her. I didn't know who were her family and outside friends and I sure didn't have the time to contact everyone to ask everyone what they got or have the time for 100 plus guests to contact me asking me the same question. I didn't like how she put that down on her inviatation about communicating with others.

Not only that, suppose I finally contact everyone and found out they all bought the cheaper household items and the ones are left are 100 plus dollars? Do I get her cash or follow her wishes even though I was a broke college student struggling to pay my bills. Because of what she put down on her invitation, it put me and her other college friends in a very awkward dilemna. We, of course, were going to get her a gift but because she was so specific, we were put in an awkward situation that we didn't appreciate.

Like another ADer mentioned about her friend sacrificing 2 days of school just to attend her wedding and how her friend couldn't afford anything fancy, her presence was enough. We felt there was an underlying message that our presence is not good enough without following her "orders" on the invitation.

 

[Reba]

No, it is not an European way. Europe is a huge land mass, and you can't expect that the whole of Europe follows Lieblings' way.

I was invited to people's houses on several occasions in Europe and they were always very happy to have me visit them even if I came bearing simple gifts or not. I also told them that they are more than welcome to visit me in the US, and that I would love to show them around in the US.

Most of the time, Germans or French, if they are invited to someone's house, bring something small like cheese, or a bottle of wine, or a dessert to compliment the dinner. It is always greatly appreciated. But the real issue here is not to expect anything, even though you know they will bring something anyway.

You're right, all of Europe is not yet one country (despite the efforts of the EU).

I know the custom is the same in Ukraine. When Hubby went there, he packed a lot of small American gifts in his luggage to give to Ukrainian hosts and children that he met. Air Ukraine lost his luggage for a couple days, and when he finally got it back, it was totally wrapped up in duct tape. He almost lost all his gifts to give the hosts. I wonder what would have happened if he had shown up with empty hands? Would the hosts be insulted and think he was greedy because someone stole his "gifts"?

His most precious gift there wasn't for a host. There was an old Ukrainian WWII veteran that was caretaker for the house where Hubby stayed. It was cold weather, and the old guy didn't have a warm coat. Before Hubby left Ukraine, he gave the old guy his almost new heavy-duty foul-weather military jacket.

When Ukrainian families visited us in the States, they gave us humble, homemade gifts. It was very precious to us.

 

[shel90]

RebelGirl posted, "I mean come on, there's no rules in the 2000's. Seriously.. its the book of rules.. and that's old." You agree with that?

So, I guess your "rule" about empty hands no longer applies?

"Please" and "thank you" are gone.

No more "RSVPs".

We can all be rude, crude and lewd to each other because these are the 2000's.

Fine.


Rules are all about respect for others. Without rules, there is no respect. You agree with RebelGirl that there are no more rules. So, there is no more respect.

OK.

I guess there really is no point in us discussing what is "appropriate" if all the rules are gone and this is 2007. There is no more such thing as "appropriate" or "inappropriate".

If it feels good, do it. Oops! That's from the 1960's, so we can't use that either. :roll:

I have to say that I agreed with Reba in most of POVs in this thread. I would feel the same...I wouldn't enjoy the wedding if I got the feeling the bride and groom think anyone who came to their "joyful" and "special" event without gifts are greedy.

For my first wedding, my ex hubby had many poor relatives who lived in Mexico. We invited them not really expecting them to be able to make it. Well, to our surprise, they managed to scrape up enough money to make the trip to the US to attend our wedding. Of course, they didn't bring gifts cuz they were dirt dirt poor. Their presence is a gift itself so we were so thrilled that they could share our special day with us and other family members. Yes, we got a lot of gifts but it is the guests' presence that I cherish to this day whenever I look at pictures or videos. Thanks to their presence, they made our special day joyous and a success. The gifts were a nice added bonus and we did appreciate the thoughtfulness.

To think people who come to our wedding without gifts r greedy people who just want to eat the food and drinks is kinda sad and would put a huge damper on the spirit of the day.

I guess everyone is different but I learned a lot from this thread and learned that there r actually people out there that wud be offended if their guests came bearing without gifts so I better make sure the next time I get invited to a wedding that I bring a gift so I won't be considered "greedy".

 

[Angel]

Do you call this problem ? I am just tellin' the truth from what I recalled by readin' her post in another thread. It is NOT the problem. I don't try to hide one of the ADers from it.

Yes it's called " rude " therefore I don't see how it's yours or anyone business what honeymoon we're going on, and what we do with our money....therefore it does not answer my first question on page one....

It's just that some ADers aren't that stupid enough to know what the money is for when it comes to the invitation cards issue...

So :roll:

EXACTLY!! thats the point of the WHOLE thing!! its just RUDE and
TACKY to ask for money in the wedding invitation, period.
Its just plain common sense.

The only thing I see rude here is those of you who keep repeating themselves over and over....

what do you mean so?
that isnt nice.

It isn't nice to keep bringing up about something that has nothing to do with the question I asked on page 1, therefore you're only doing this for your own pleasure, grow up

It doesn't take one person to make drama going. It takes two or more people, including you, and me.

Interesting, second time standing up for Defee, you're just guilty as the rest of us....

Why are you and Liebling attacking me???

No, I see it as you intend to keep attacking my thread just like spyware bug trying to get into a computer system....


Who next? anymore haters? then go pick a number :roll:

 

[Reba]

...Huh? How do we know that the host can't afford a fancy wedding? They are an adult and know their budget either they can acheive a big wedding or not. It's their choice, not us. I'm not here to critizie their budget and tell them what to do.

I didn't say that you "knew" the couple's budget, nor should you criticize it. I'm just saying, if the couple can afford to feed the guests, then why should the guests feel guilty for eating? If the hosts provide the food, why should the guests feel "greedy" for eating it? Isn't that what the food is for?

It's bad manner and rude to going wedding to greed their foods and drink for free.

Are you saying the guests should pay for the food? Like a cash bar?

Who says that guests' gifts are as an exchange for foods and drink... It make no sense to me....

It doesn't make sense to me either but that's the way you do it.

Sorry, it make no sense to me... Who says that guests judge how much they are allow to eat?

You did. You said guests were "greedy" for eating the food. That's making a judgment.

Without something in hands, go their wedding... too embarrassment...

It's only embarrassing if someone makes the guest feel uncomfortable about it. Good manners is a host who makes the guest feel comfortable no matter what happens.

Don't twist my word. I said that I feel sorry for bride and groom whom the guests come for their foods and drink and pleasure... without something in their hands.

Again, you reinforce the impression that all the bride and groom want is loot.

I already stated in my previous post to check with bride and groom few weeks to months before they are able to accept their invitation.

I was referring to your statement that a guest should stay home if they can't bring a gift. Don't you think the bride and groom would still be sad that favorite sweet old Aunt Millie couldn't attend the wedding because she couldn't afford a gift? It doesn't matter if she notifies them months ahead. She won't be there, period. Why? Just because people will be mean and judge her for showing up with empty hands. That is really, really sad.

 

[Liebling:-)))]

No, it is not an European way. Europe is a huge land mass, and you can't expect that the whole of Europe follows Lieblings' way.

Huh? Who says that you all should follow my way?

Is it forbidden to share my POV about my country?

Reba is correct that the menatilty of America and Europe culture is different.

I was invited to people's houses on several occasions in Europe and they were always very happy to have me visit them even if I came bearing simple gifts or not.

A lot of Europeans are happy to treat visitors as special in their house. They alway have something in their hands when they receive their first invitation from them... until they know each other better then agree that to not need to bring something... We visit each other often for a cup of coffee and chat then go home.

Most of the time, Germans or French, if they are invited to someone's house, bring something small like cheese, or a bottle of wine, or a dessert to compliment the dinner. It is always greatly appreciated. But the real issue here is not to expect anything, even though you know they will bring something anyway.

See? Europeans always have something in their hands when they are being invited to attend their houses. Example, bottle of wine, bunch flower, candies for the children, homemade cake, salad, etc. They do not feel like to bring empty hands... always have something in their hands.

If there´re big party like "50th", "40th", anniversaries, wedding, confirmation, etc. is a different story.

 

[Angel]

No, it is not an European way. Europe is a huge land mass, and you can't expect that the whole of Europe follows Lieblings' way.

Her way?....Well in America, you can't expect that the whole world in America will follow your ways....

 

[Angel]

No no...it is not about telling us we must buy something. It is telling us to communicate with each other and buying a specific gift I may not be able to afford.

I was just her college buddy and had just met her. I didn't know who were her family and outside friends and I sure didn't have the time to contact everyone to ask everyone what they got or have the time for 100 plus guests to contact me asking me the same question. I didn't like how she put that down on her inviatation about communicating with others.

Not only that, suppose I finally contact everyone and found out they all bought the cheaper household items and the ones are left are 100 plus dollars? Do I get her cash or follow her wishes even though I was a broke college student struggling to pay my bills. Because of what she put down on her invitation, it put me and her other college friends in a very awkward dilemna. We, of course, were going to get her a gift but because she was so specific, we were put in an awkward situation that we didn't appreciate.

Like another ADer mentioned about her friend sacrificing 2 days of school just to attend her wedding and how her friend couldn't afford anything fancy, her presence was enough. We felt there was an underlying message that our presence is not good enough without following her "orders" on the invitation.

I understand where you're coming from this, I'm nothing like your friend there and I don't expect them to think they have to buy a gift or bring money in order to attend our wedding, and I'm sort of confused here , what I don't understand is how is this related to my question on page one?....

 

[Liebling:-)))]

I didn't say that you "knew" the couple's budget, nor should you criticize it. I'm just saying, if the couple can afford to feed the guests, then why should the guests feel guilty for eating? If the hosts provide the food, why should the guests feel "greedy" for eating it? Isn't that what the food is for?

Are you saying the guests should pay for the food? Like a cash bar?

you twisted my word.

I saw some ADers said that they can´t afford to buy a wedding gift but why they continue to go their wedding then?

If I can´t afford to buy a wedding gift then not go wedding. It´s not fair to go wedding to greed their foods and drinks for free because I can´t afford to buy a gift where they work hard to save up for their wedding. Buy a wedding gift or card didn´t cost much. Right?

You did. You said guests were "greedy" for eating the food. That's making a judgment.

Sorry because it´s truth... Going to wedding to greed their foods and drink without something in their hands like a wedding card or small gift to show them how much they appreciate to accept their inivitiation? (look something with reasonable price at wedding list or registry store, or gift card)... It cost not much... :roll:

I was referring to your statement that a guest should stay home if they can't bring a gift. Don't you think the bride and groom would still be sad that favorite sweet old Aunt Millie couldn't attend the wedding because she couldn't afford a gift? It doesn't matter if she notifies them months ahead. She won't be there, period. Why? Just because people will be mean and judge her for showing up with empty hands. That is really, really sad.

Accord my knowledge, the people don´t like to go their speical occassion for free. They feel bad if they attend their special occassion without something in their hands. Some people know how to show their appreciate on bride & groom is a green plant with pretty card, other small gift or gift card if they cannot afford to buy a big gift... Of course they let bride and groom know how they feels weeks and months before accept their invitation. Yes, bride and groom appreciate very much of their honest and solve with them before they are able to accept their invitiation.

 

[MilitaryGirl83]

No it is not rude you can ask for gift card or money instead because it is easier for people to give u that so u can get what u want instead of them getting you same thing or something that you don't like ya know?

 

[Reba]

I saw some ADers said that they can´t afford to buy a wedding gift but why they continue to go their wedding then?

Because people are more important than things.

Accord my knowledge, the people don´t like to go their speical occassion for free. They feel bad if they attend their special occassion without something in their hands.

Maybe they feel that way because other people lay a guilt trip on them and make them feel uncomfortable about showing up. That's not nice.

 

[christlovedeaf]

Wow, I haven't seen anything like that and how that been brought up. All of us is different. Now, as so call food for free is very common saying. I know how that be meant. Not all are like that, there are some unfortunate one. But taking judgement on people and bringing the neg thought about the person. I have seen how alot of them are treating, good friend couldn't bring gifts bec severe financial problem, and do have food and drink for the person, then there is another person came along which can't stand that person and easily by judging the person, look how greedy is the person taking the food and drinks without gifts. I have seen alot of the doing that. To me, it is inappropriate. But as I see as Angel wants for her wedding, she has every right how she can express and letting us sharing the views, but the decision for the wedding is for Angel and RR, noone else. All the commotions in here need to bring the "cold front" blow in here to cool down. hehehhe.

 

[shel90]

I understand where you're coming from this, I'm nothing like your friend there and I don't expect them to think they have to buy a gift or bring money in order to attend our wedding, and I'm sort of confused here , what I don't understand is how is this related to my question on page one?....

When I first posted my opinion on how I wouldn't put that u prefer money on the invitation, I brought up my situation with my friend as an example of what cud happen. Like how some people weren't offended but others were and that some guests including myself were unwilling put in an awkward dilemna. That's was my reason for why I brought it up. U don't have to follow my suggestion.

Of course, I didn't say nor suggest that u were like my friend. Just simply telling u about my experiences. It is nothing personal.

 

[DreamDeaf]

*sigh*

I can't believe how easily this thread went completely off topic... all Angel asked if it was proper to state that money was preferred instead of gifts on an birthday or wedding invitation, or if it was improper?

So far, all I've seen is something entirely different...what's going on?

The only good suggestion I've seen so far is not to put anything else but the details of the wedding ... and thats it.

*smh*

 

[BearBeauty]

Liebling.... Most Brides and Grooms don't expect gifts at their wedding, they juust want the presence of the people they cherish most, so they invite the people they love. It's not greedy to go to a wedding and not bring a gift if you can't afford it. Most of the time, Like Shel90's relatives, the people can't afford it.. so they won't bring gifts. personally, I'd be more offended if you brought a gift, when I know you can't afford the gift.. but That's Just me.