Social Issues in School & Identity Crisis

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MomToDeafChild

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I know there are a lot of deaf adults in the forum, and was hoping you'd have some advice for a deaf teen who is going through a tough time in school?

My daughter will be going to high school next year. She has a CI, but because of a malformed cochlea, it isn't ideal, so she does use an interpreter (and signs). It's a mainstream school. She does fine one on one, but any noise is a problem, so the social areas, particularly the cafeteria, are a nightmare for hearing. She is also very shy, and always has been, which hasn't been a huge issue until middle school. I do believe that if she was a hearing child, she would have been as shy anyway because it is her nature, so we would still be dealing with a social issue. She has been expressing how unhappy she is because she doesn't have any friends, she hates school, etc.

When she expressed this at school to the support staff, they of course wanted to make sure she wasn't suicidal (she's not). In the meantime, we've been trying to think of what to do for her. She doesn't perceive herself as having friends, and really, what she doesn't have, and never has had, is that one, close friend. She's never hung out with a kid besides the play dates I would set up for her when younger, and she's too old for mom to do that now. She thinks no one wants to be her friend, but that is her opinion and not reality. In reality, I think most kids try to be friendly to her, but she doesn't know how to open up and reciprocate, and kids give up after a while. I am pretty sure she gives off body language that says, "Don't talk to me". We've talked about it, she knows its a problem, but doesn't know how to turn it around.

Frankly, I think a lot of her unhappiness has to do with normal teenage growing pains, but she has the extra bonus of being deaf and not having friends to deal with too. I think she believes that kids don't want to be friends with her BECAUSE she's deaf (she referred to herself as the freak with the interpreter), and she's been trying to distance herself from the other deaf kids in school, and activities involving the deaf. The other deaf kids in school aren't on the same academic level (she's a really high performer, straight As), so she has nothing in common with them and never socialized with them anyway. We keep telling her, you'll have friends, don't worry, hoping she'll finally realize she has all the power to turn it around, but it kills us to see her miserable in the meantime.

Did anyone else go through this? I figure she is not the only kid to go through a period where they felt socially isolated and hated being deaf. I think she will eventually come to terms with it, and be proud of who she is (like we are), and I also think that once she finally gets just ONE friend, all of her negativity will slide to the background. But how to get that one friend? Any other words of advice you can offer on how you got through the difficult time of high school?
 
I think you probably answered your own question I unable to add to it. You clever informed mother(hope I not patronizing)she has low self esteem and needs coaching some assertiveness..Sorry I can't be more helpful but there are people on here that can
 
has she seen a school counselor?

and have you taken her to a deaf school? deaf camp?
 
She does go to a deaf camp in summer. She hated it the first year (homesick), but loved it last year. Unfortunately, the kids are from all over, so no one close enough to hang out with. I've told her that if she isn't ready to put herself out there to make friends in person at school, social media is a great place to extend the friendships she makes at camp. She does have all these kids on her social media accounts, but I don't know how much she communicates with them. It doesn't fill the void of being 'alone' at school. I've also tried setting her up with penpals, but once again, they just aren't close enough to fill that friendship she craves.

She is having monthly meetings with the school counselor too.
 
MomToDeafChild said:
She does go to a deaf camp in summer. She hated it the first year (homesick), but loved it last year. Unfortunately, the kids are from all over, so no one close enough to hang out with. I've told her that if she isn't ready to put herself out there to make friends in person at school, social media is a great place to extend the friendships she makes at camp. She does have all these kids on her social media accounts, but I don't know how much she communicates with them. It doesn't fill the void of being 'alone' at school. I've also tried setting her up with penpals, but once again, they just aren't close enough to fill that friendship she craves.

She is having monthly meetings with the school counselor too.
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that's good to hear. I don't know where you live. Is there a weekly deaf social gathering for deaf kids?
 
First off I was never in this position in school nor do I have any kids at all.

But I do wonder if she could turn the use of an interpreter around and get some of the hearing kids interested in sign from seeing her and then find other things in common.
 
There isn't anything like that. They have stuff like that for adults, but not kids (though I will be suggesting it!).

They do put together several events during the school year for the deaf kids in the area though (baseball games, cooking classes, etc). Some she'll go to, others she's resistant.

There are a lot of deaf kids at the elementary level, and again at the high school level, but not so many in middle school, and the ones they do have are a) mostly boys, and b) in lower level classes, so no interaction during the day anyway. I am hoping that there will still be some of the girls she knows in the high school when she gets there. They are all nice girls, and she knows them already...
 
Next year she will be taking ASL as her foreign language. We see this as a place she can take a leadership role because she already knows sign, which could lead to increased social opportunities. If she can communicate with the hearing kids on a more even level, she will start to feel more comfortable communicating with all kids. At least, that's what I hope!
 
Curious, which deaf camp did she attend?

I believe that there are a lot more deaf kid (either CI user or oral) are all over in your local area with few different towns that eachof them are all alone in each schools. If there do have Deaf teen club then it would work great. Are there anyone who voluneeter to host a deaf teen club at churhc friday evening? I used to have one when i was a kid. I met SO many deaf oral kiddos who dont know signs or little but i can see that they met each other and got bond to each other due to their similiar experiences. It did amazes me to see how blossem their faces were.

Curious, do she like to play sports softball basketball?

which state are you in?
 
MomToDeafChild said:
Next year she will be taking ASL as her foreign language. We see this as a place she can take a leadership role because she already knows sign, which could lead to increased social opportunities. If she can communicate with the hearing kids on a more even level, she will start to feel more comfortable communicating with all kids. At least, that's what I hope!
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What you just posted reminds me of many, many years ago I took a beginning community college course in Spanish. It was a small group and included one guy who was in this small Southern Illinois town from Ecuador because his uncle was an anesthesiologist at the local hospital. He was in that class to help him make the transition from Spanish to English. The instructor was especially skilled at putting him at ease to do things like share slang terms with us. Because of that and a few other things the instructor did it turned into one of the classes I liked the best and still have found memories of some 50 odd yeas later.

Hopefully what she can add will result in something similar for BOTH her and her classmates.
 
Has your daughter been checked for Asperger's ? The doctors told my sister that her daughter was very shy and it turned out she has Asperger's .
I knew a guy that was called very shy growing up and he had Asperger's . I know all shy people DO NOT have Asperger's but it would be something to look into .
 
Jane B. said:
First off I was never in this position in school nor do I have any kids at all.

But I do wonder if she could turn the use of an interpreter around and get some of the hearing kids interested in sign from seeing her and then find other things in common.
Click to expand...

from experience of seeing for myself and people on here it possible the kids would like learn sign maybe if teacher puts it to students would there be one or two students who like to learn
 
We're in PA. She hates sports, lol, but is big into fitness. I am signing her up for yoga!

I wouldn't think she has Asperger's. She is shy in school, but she doesn't fit any of the other symptoms for it. I wasn't very outgoing in school and neither was my husband, so I think she just inherited it, lol.

I've been talking with the counselor and we both agree that next year will be a transitional year for her, and that we are going to work on communication so she can get off to a good start next year. Since ASL meets the foreign language requirement in our school, its a big class, and most of those kids will be hearing. So hopefully she'll be able to teach them a thing or two and make some connections in the process.

Thanks everyone for your advice!
 
Yoga is a great start with. There's more intelligent deaf people in philladelphia than scrantin pa but its most over age 20.
Hope she learns more about herself as a deaf person. She needs to know how lucky she has good parents and lot of loves.
 
MomtoDeafChild, been there done that, got the t-shirt! Social issues are SO common with dhh kids(especially mainstream and oral) it's not even funny! One of my friends is in the exact situation. She's doing well academicly, but socially, it's so bad she's going to RETURN to Deaf School. I think that might be key.....it might actually be one of the big keys to unlocking her shyness. Social skills are a really big part of the puzzle to getting jobs and general life success. It's AWESOME that she's doing well academicly.....but it's also important to remember that that's only a small part of the puzzle. I think she needs more social oppetunties....and it's a good sign she fits in socially with other dhh kids! Maybe you guys should check out Deaf Schools! Are you guys near Pittsburgh? I know off the top of my head that WPSD has a gifted deaf program. I also know that MSSD has a honors program as well. Those are two good options..... It would be hard for her to stay in the dorms, but at the same time, it also might awaken and kindle her social skills, which is REALLY important in so many ways. I know some kids who didn't get intense social intervention in middle/high school ....they went off to college, and ....well misinterpreted people being friendly as something more,(b/c of their lack of social experience) and that ended up getting them in trouble. Not to mention that if I had a buck for every single deaf guy who has ever IMd me wanting a girlfriend, I would be RICH. It's very hard for even hearing and typical kids to endure middle/high school. Sometimes if there are the right pieces of the puzzle, it's possible, but very often.......I think if possible that dhh and other kids REALLY do need an enviroment where they can thrive on a social-emotional level.
I also know how it is..I didn't attend school with other dhh kids, but ...I didn't quite fit in socially with the smart kids, and I also didn't fit in with the other kids who didn't quite fit into the mainstream........
 
http://www.wpsd.org/ and http://www.gallaudet.edu/mssd.html
I'll be back tomorrow and I'll post links to a thread from a few years ago about a girl (although she started out as oral and transistioned to being ASL/oral/English bilingual) who was also struggling socially at her mainstream school. She transferred to a couple of schools with dhh programs and then transferred to FSDB....and the change was amazing!
My friend also thrived socially at TSD.... I will give her this link and see what she says!
 
She is isolated at school and it is not something to compare it to as normal teenage stuff. That can have serious consequences later on if not addressed now or if brushed off as a phase. Social isolation for anyone is damaging especially if one doesn't understand what is being said around him/her. What about sending her to a deaf school?

I dealt with the same as an oral deaf kid being mainstreamed and everyone brushed it off as normal teenaged stuff or just a phase but the long term consequences were damaging to me later on in my adult years. Thankfully I learned ASL and discovered the Deaf community in my late 20s because I would have probably have sunk into a deeper depression.
 
Hi! I am 17 and a junior in high school. School is hard. I experience a lot of what your daughter goes through so I know how she feels. I don't ever hate being Deaf but is a burden sometimes! I am mainstreamed but went to TSD for a semester and loved it! I am going back next year as a day student. At a Deaf school, it is easier to belong. If she needs a friend that totally understands, let me know! I know how much when I started high school I had someone to tell me what to expect.
 
Hi there MomToDeafChild. I am a high school senior with bilateral CIs (am profoundly deaf without them). I'm also mainstreamed and in an ASL class (I am learning to sign but, like your daughter, had a bit of an edge on the other kids going into it). I am an honors/AP student and have struggled with many of the issues your daughter is going through now. I tend to sit alone in the cafeteria due to not being able to hear and don't really have many friends - especially not that "one" good friend you mentioned in your original post. I've also dealt with severe depression, a lot of which was related to my disability and stemmed from not having any friends. In other words, your daughter and I have a lot in common, and I would be happy to talk to her if she'd like or provide more advice/my experiences to you.

For now, I'd like to say, firstly, that it sounds (no pun intended) like she has a great support system already in place - and a great mom, to boot! Can't stress enough how important that is, and how much it means to her. Though we teenagers don't like to say it, we really do appreciate it, especially when we don't have many friends to lean on. Keep that up. :)

Secondly, I would definitely encourage her to get a head start in high school. It's a bit of a new opportunity to make friends and get involved. She should definitely try to engage others in her ASL class and, if possible, start/join an ASL club at the school. Unfortunately, I've found in my 2 years of ASL classes at the HS level that a lot of kids just take it because it's easy/they don't care (and I'm sure this is the same in every class, not just ASL!) So connecting with those kids that do have an extracurricular interest in ASL is really important. If she does get involved in yoga or other clubs/organizations, that's also a really great way to find people that might share her interests. Plus, the smaller settings definitely help when you're trying to carry on a conversation!

I definitely have the mentality of being some sort of freak/outlier and know that feeling all too well. I'm sure sitting alone in the cafeteria at lunch every day doesn't exactly exude "Come be my friend!", but I just don't know what else to know. I completely get her perception that people shun her because of her deafness. Like her, I still haven't stumbled on that magic formula that turns the whole thing around and makes me accept myself totally - but don't lose hope! I'm definitely growing towards that goal.

I really do wish there were something I could say to make it better, some magic piece of advice that would wish all the social issues away. It's just going to be a rough go for a while until she can figure it all out. I think she and I have to accept ourselves first in order to get others to reciprocate. I know it sounds New Age-y and unhelpful, and I do apologize for that.

Just make sure she realizes she IS NOT ALONE in her feelings and that they are completely valid. I would love to "e-meet" her if that's something you/she are comfortable with and think might help. I definitely wish I had that option available to me when I was her age. Just shoot me a PM on here if you've got ANY more questions. Would love to help any way I can.
 
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