He is pissed at me again.

Moon-child

Moon-child

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My man is pissed off at me again as me, the deafie (me) doesn't fit into his world of socializing with hearies who make no attempt for me to understand them. I am tired of sitting pretty in a group but being totally alienated, I won't do it much anymore, and this hurts him.

He can't understand why I will get together with my friends but not all of his. My friends make sure I can see there lips, in groups only talk one at a time and some even sign the first letter of the word they are saying. The friends of his I have refused to hang with make no attempts even after explaining and such, so why would I want to hang with them?

Guess this full moon had better wane fast as I am over emotional and posting this rant.:shock:
 
I've so been there and done that. It gets harder the longer that goes on. I gave up on trying to "fit in" long ago and eventually married someone that was deaf too. I'm now divorced, and with someone new again that is hearing. There are still tough moments where I feel alienated, but he at least tries hard to fill me in, and his friends are starting to learn some sign too, or they pull me aside and fill me in too. It helps, but it isn't always easy. I think if your man isn't helping you to understand, nor his friends, then something has to change. I can't tell you what, as I am not specifically in your shoes, only you can decide what you will put up with and how you and your man can communicate this.
 
I agree with AlleyCat. I have married twice..both to hearing men. Both were always understanding of my deaf needs but my current hubby's family is not really understanding and they always ignore me whenever they have a gathering. Then, they complain to my hubby about me being a snob. After 5 years, I gave up. As long as my hubby is understanding and doesnt complain about me not being able to fully participate in the several conversations that are happening stimulateanously, I am ok.

Your man isnt being supportive so it could be that he doesnt really understand or he doesnt care?
 
Thank you for taking the time to answer my post. My man has learned how to speak to me very well, even took a sign course with me. I am pretty sure he spoke to the friends I was referring to and told them I was deaf and that I needed to see there lips, speak clear, etc etc....but not everyone responds to this, and they did not. I was either alone with a woman I could not hear or in the group trying my best to puzzle up the few words I could catch as they all spoke at once, dizzying. So, I did my best at the Friday night bb-q gathering and opted out of hanging with them yesterday and today....and he is hurt and mad...how could he get what it is like, he isn't deaf. I am afraid that as my hearing has gotten worse that these problems have begun to come up more frequently. I am not sure where we will go from here, I am at a point where he has to accept me for who I am, I cannot continue to be made feel guilty for not hanging with a people I cannot communicate with. I am willing to do x-mas and some b-days with his family, the odd gathering with his friends, but his demands increase as my hearing decreases....Ugh, I need to let this settle, blasted feelings!
 
Really feel bad for you, and hoping ur feelings and emotions will somewhat get better before too long.

My guess is that ur HOH, and losing ur hearing more and more....have you taken lip-reading classes? Dunno if that would help much there.....

I was married to a hearie also, and I do know about family gatherings and parties, feeling a little left-out, especially with them joking and laughing and not knowing what was going on. We eventually divorsed....he married again to a hearing woman.

I can't give much advise to you. But am hoping somehow things will work out for the best, and the way they should be.
 
Moon-child said:
My man is pissed off at me again as me, the deafie (me) doesn't fit into his world of socializing with hearies who make no attempt for me to understand them. I am tired of sitting pretty in a group but being totally alienated, I won't do it much anymore, and this hurts him.

He can't understand why I will get together with my friends but not all of his. My friends make sure I can see there lips, in groups only talk one at a time and some even sign the first letter of the word they are saying. The friends of his I have refused to hang with make no attempts even after explaining and such, so why would I want to hang with them?

Guess this full moon had better wane fast as I am over emotional and posting this rant.:shock:
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He needs to empathize with your frustrations. Otherwise he's being disrespectful to you.

He needs to at least empathize, even if he can't fix it. The last thing you need, on TOP of your frustration with his friends, is a frustration with HIM over something like THIS.
 
If he's pissed off at you because of that, then he's not the one for you.

Your significant other should be someone who is supportive, doesn't complain about your difference (race, gender, handicap, etc), and is patient.
 
Thanks you guys for your input, it helps to feel supported here. He and I talked yesterday, we did not work anything out. He became very hurtful and thinks I am using my deafness as a excuse. I tried hard to explain myself and not react to his stabs, he doesn't get it. I am letting things sit for awhile (meaning I am taking a break) but I think you may be right, VamPyroX, I think you may be right.
 
I am sorry. Just wonder if he's willing to put something plugged into his ears and dont take it off for two or three days to see how he is doing? maybe it will impacts on him or not.
 
VamPyroX said:
If he's pissed off at you because of that, then he's not the one for you.

Your significant other should be someone who is supportive, doesn't complain about your difference (race, gender, handicap, etc), and is patient.
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Agree 100%

Moon-child said:
Thanks you guys for your input, it helps to feel supported here. He and I talked yesterday, we did not work anything out. He became very hurtful and thinks I am using my deafness as a excuse. I tried hard to explain myself and not react to his stabs, he doesn't get it. I am letting things sit for awhile (meaning I am taking a break) but I think you may be right, VamPyroX, I think you may be right.
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Sorry, Moon Child, but I think Vampy is right. It's a hard pill to swallow, but looks like you are accepting it. Just remember to be brave and stick with your convictions.

Are you a fluent ASL user? Sounds like you aren't, but you might try learning it with your boyfriend as a way to bring the two of you closer together?
 
Unfortunately I was undiagnosed until I was 19 years of age. I spent my childhood mainstreamed, labeled the stupid daydreamer, you know the story, it is not uncommon. I have Level 1 sign, my man and I took the course together, we don't use it.

As for him putting something in his ears to block sound, cripes, he doesn't even like it when I want to take my H.A. out, he thinks I just don't want to hear him.

He seems so caught up in his hurt, so wounded, attached to his ego, so he lashed out and tried to hurt me worse, anger is all I feel from him right now. Compassion on both our sides is the only thing that will heal and bring us together again...but at this point, it may be too late.

I have been thinking, how I never really fit in with the hearies, and have never tried to learn sign fluently and get to know some people hard of hearing or deaf. It may be time for me to draw courage and despite my hermit-ways, take a few steps towards the deaf culture. Who knows, maybe I will find a place in this world there, lord knows you have all been nothing but kind to me anytime I come here, and I thank you for that.

I am who I am and I cannot be who he wants me to be.
 
Moon child!
Have not seen you around for some time. I recall the last time he was bitter, impatient with understanding how it's like to be deaf.

Honestly, I don't know what to say.. The guy needs a chill pill and quit trying to get you to do what he wants.

I do hope the situation will be able to remedy itself.

All the best!
 
naisho said:
Moon child!
Have not seen you around for some time. I recall the last time he was bitter, impatient with understanding how it's like to be deaf.

Honestly, I don't know what to say.. The guy needs a chill pill and quit trying to get you to do what he wants.

I do hope the situation will be able to remedy itself.

All the best!
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Are you kidding? You can't change spots on a leopard.

You can do better, Moon-child. Give the bum his walking papers!
 
VamPyroX said:
If he's pissed off at you because of that, then he's not the one for you.

Your significant other should be someone who is supportive, doesn't complain about your difference (race, gender, handicap, etc), and is patient.
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:gpost: If he isn't willing to be patient and support you, there are plenty of other men out there that will. Talk to him and if he isn't treating you right, move on. It may be hard at first, but in the long run it's easier. :)
 
Moon-child said:
Unfortunately I was undiagnosed until I was 19 years of age. I spent my childhood mainstreamed, labeled the stupid daydreamer, you know the story, it is not uncommon. I have Level 1 sign, my man and I took the course together, we don't use it.

As for him putting something in his ears to block sound, cripes, he doesn't even like it when I want to take my H.A. out, he thinks I just don't want to hear him.

He seems so caught up in his hurt, so wounded, attached to his ego, so he lashed out and tried to hurt me worse, anger is all I feel from him right now. Compassion on both our sides is the only thing that will heal and bring us together again...but at this point, it may be too late.

I have been thinking, how I never really fit in with the hearies, and have never tried to learn sign fluently and get to know some people hard of hearing or deaf. It may be time for me to draw courage and despite my hermit-ways, take a few steps towards the deaf culture. Who knows, maybe I will find a place in this world there, lord knows you have all been nothing but kind to me anytime I come here, and I thank you for that.

I am who I am and I cannot be who he wants me to be.
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I'm happier and outgoing if I understand what is going on. I'm quiet and reserved if I'm clueless. If he doesn't want to see you happy, than I don't like this picture.
 
Curious what do you want your BF to do something for you and your relationship? since you guys have been together for a long time. You are yet not satisfield at a point where you are now due to your hearing loss being decreased. What will you like him to do something when you feel leftout in the large number of people where the party is. It's your decision, to make happen in your relationship, not him. you know?
 
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I would like him to accept that I do not want to attend all of his social gatherings, not every one. I would like him to accept that this is not a personal attack on him or his friends/family, I would like him to stop getting angry with me when I do not live up to his social expectations of me.

During social events, I would like him to check in once in awhile, help me with the odd conversation and recognize that these events are difficult for me. I would like him to use the signs we know instead of looking at me like I am crazy when I try to sign abit with him in front of people.

Is this too much to ask?
 
Moon-child said:
I would like him to accept that I do not want to attend all of his social gatherings, not every one. I would like him to accept that this is not a personal attack on him or his friends/family, I would like him to stop getting angry with me when I do not live up to his social expectations of me.

During social events, I would like him to check in once in awhile, help me with the odd conversation and recognize that these events are difficult for me. I would like him to use the signs we know instead of looking at me like I am crazy when I try to sign abit with him in front of people.

Is this too much to ask?
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Absolutely not, and if he thinks it is, it's really time to end things. Sorry. :(
 
Moon-child said:
My man is pissed off at me again as me, the deafie (me) doesn't fit into his world of socializing with hearies who make no attempt for me to understand them. I am tired of sitting pretty in a group but being totally alienated, I won't do it much anymore, and this hurts him.

He can't understand why I will get together with my friends but not all of his. My friends make sure I can see there lips, in groups only talk one at a time and some even sign the first letter of the word they are saying. The friends of his I have refused to hang with make no attempts even after explaining and such, so why would I want to hang with them?

Guess this full moon had better wane fast as I am over emotional and posting this rant.:shock:
Click to expand...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with ranting! That's what these boards are all about! I understand how you feel. I am the 'hearie' and by boyfriend is the 'deafie' it is not always easy for us to visit with each other's friends because of the language barrier, I hang with his friends more than mine when he's with me. His family does not sign well and my family does not sign at all so that really leaves his friends or us only spending time together. He does mot lip read at all so that leaves me signing wherever we go which can be a bit exhausting and I am not usually a part of the conversations...it is a challenge, but it can be done as long as we have open hearts about the situation and don't take any of it personally. I wish I had an answer for you ( or for myself) to make it all easier but I will say this, he has no reason to be upset, if you have a better way, I suggest you share that with him and he should be open to try a new way for you both to spend time with friend and family. Blessings to you and keep us all posted! =)
 
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