what do you call this type of person

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Lighthouse77

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I am trying to figure out the word for it. I'm married to a wonderful husband and I don't see anything wrong with him. He is like everyone I know. He can hold a job, work, write, communicate, etc. (He is hearing, btw)...

but in the other hand, My MIL thinks she gave birth to a special need child. It make me cringe because I don't see it in him. I think it is because she thinks he is not good enough for her (she is highly educated) so she calls him that. She has a daughter who does as well as she does and she don't see her that way. That everything about my husband is all about label to her. It is almost like she want to play the "special need" card all the time on him. Oh, he does this because he has ADD. Oh he does that because he has ADD. Oh I had to be a stay home mom because I didn't know I was going to raise a special need child (ADD).


It is really annoying me, that I just want to add it to my list of pet peeves. What is the right word for this type of person?
 
Mother-in-law! :P It is why there are so many jokes about it.
 
Lighthouse77 said:
yes, but to her own son?
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I don't take family too seriously as my husband and I are both special needs.

We had a fight for independence and marriage. We won and have thirty years and two children, two granddaughters.

His mother is far worse about it than my stepmother, but we have had to keep a firm countenance to keep both sides from any interference.

We triumph, so I sneer at the overprotective parents.
 
well she wasn't overprotective, but she did tell him that if he got me pregnant, he could have deaf kids.

and stuffs like that. I can't help feeling that she sees us a poor pity thing who need our diaper change. But we live on our own. My own mother treated me better than this. She didn't go around talking about our deafness (my sister and I) or we do this or that because we are deaf. she accepted our deafness and move on with her own life.
 
Lighthouse77 said:
well she wasn't overprotective, but she did tell him that if he got me pregnant, he could have deaf kids.

and stuffs like that. I can't help feeling that she sees us a poor pity thing who need our diaper change. But we live on our own. My own mother treated me better than this. She didn't go around talking about our deafness (my sister and I) or we do this or that because we are deaf. she accepted our deafness and move on with her own life.
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I think that I am advising you as an independent adult, it should not matter how she sees you.

An adult should break away from childhood feelings.
 
As much as possible and for ur own well-being, (ur husband's too)...I would avoid any interaction with her as much as possible!...I would not even go into reason (to her) as to "why".....her mind is "made up".

I too had to fight for my independence. Even moved states away. We are not particularly close, but I can say that I've proved myself to them!
 
What do I call that type of person? Self centered and selfish. Narcissistic.
 
If she wants to up the ante with how society in general should be, then those actions on her part says INSECURITY all over it. She must enjoy calling him special need due to the fact it either fuels her confidence or wants everyone to hold her ideals. Hold down what you believe is right and don't cede a thought to her as it would only assure her she is correct. If you think she is wrong, act the part and show her why. If she refuses to see your point, then she is no lomger worthy of your attentiom - as much as this may hurt, perhaps she is just a lost soul in an unpredictable changing world. Good luck!
 
Sounds almost like Munchausen by Proxy or however it's spelled. I'm not saying it IS but it's like she wants attention so she draws it to the fact that her son has ADD. A "Pity-me" card or almost like a hypochondriac constantly reviewing the health facts "He has ADD". What it kinda sounds like.
 
Carly2k5 said:
Sounds almost like Munchausen by Proxy or however it's spelled. I'm not saying it IS but it's like she wants attention so she draws it to the fact that her son has ADD. A "Pity-me" card or almost like a hypochondriac constantly reviewing the health facts "He has ADD". What it kinda sounds like.
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Yep, definately a "pity me" card. But just to clarify, with Munchausen's by Proxy, the mother would have to be doing something to the child to cause an illness.

But I do agree. There are, unfortunately, many parents out there that look at the situation as how hard it has been for them in order to manipulate sympathy from people and praise for all they have endured. These parents never talk about how difficult it is for the child living with the disability...just how hard it is for them to take care of a child with a disability. Quite frankly, I don't have much patience with this kind of parent. Like I said earlier, they are selfish and self centered.

You spelled it correctly, BTW.
 
jillio said:
Yep, definately a "pity me" card. But just to clarify, with Munchausen's by Proxy, the mother would have to be doing something to the child to cause an illness.

But I do agree. There are, unfortunately, many parents out there that look at the situation as how hard it has been for them in order to manipulate sympathy from people and praise for all they have endured. These parents never talk about how difficult it is for the child living with the disability...just how hard it is for them to take care of a child with a disability. Quite frankly, I don't have much patience with this kind of parent. Like I said earlier, they are selfish and self centered.

You spelled it correctly, BTW.
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Right, she wasn't harming her son, thankfully but in the way of using the "He has ADD" excuse, which is technically a medical condition, to get attention.

Re bold: I agree with you Jillio
Yay I spelled it right!!! That's what I get for watching medical shows with Mom lol.
 
interesting. but I don't think she is the type who harm her kids either. It's something else.

I just hate it that she make him feel so abnormal instead of someone who is individual who is just as good as anyone else. I'm sorry, I get very defensive of my husband, I know he is her son but I just didn't want to hear it from her. You know, she was the first one to jumped out and tell me about his ADD. I didn't need to hear it from her. My husband did not want me to know and I can see why .. He wants me to see him as a person, not someone with ADD label. He told me that his mother tell just about everyone he knows. I asked her about it one day (as part of our conversation) and she told me that she was afraid he would lose his friends. I was thinking...ummm, these people would not be friends with him in the first place if ADD was a problem. they were his friends long time before they met her. I think My husband is perfectly capable of telling people about himself if he wants to.

I know if my son has a problem, I would not go around telling people about his problem. I'll leave it for himself to take care of it. I want people to see him as a strong, bright, wonderful person.. not someone with a label.

yes, she does talk more about how hard it is for her. Like giving up her nursing career and such. But I don't know she is doing it for attention or not. It's more of like how hearing people look at deaf people, I think. I can't quite describe it, all I know, I don't like it.

She does act like she resent him. She keep talking about her horrible experience as raising him (he was a high need child who always seem colicky. Now my son was also colicky, but I have forgotten about it.. I'm only bringing it up because I can't understand how she remember him so vividly and I can't..)
 
I find very sad that your MIL do not accept what her son is. Her task as parent suppose to help special need child and boose her child good self-esteem.

I myself have a ADD son and accept what he is. It´s my responsible as parent to help my son. Its about his future, not mock his talent, etc. Yes it work hard but it´s worth because he is my son, I love dearly. His ADD behavior goes improve with the help from therapies because help little children at early is the best than later. I do not feel being pity or shame when I want to share the tips with other parents who have similar problems, doctors, therapies, etc. It´s about our children´s future and self-esteem. Now my son is 16 years old and attend college since last year and want to be social worker or social caretaker including counsellor.

I must say that your husband is very, very, very lucky to have a wonderful wife like you, who see in him as normal person, Lighthouse77. I really am sorry that his mother gave your husband negative feeling.

Accord your question "What do you call this type of person". My reply is the same as Jillio is SELFISH.
 
I agree with the other posters here. My maternal grandmother is like that and my mom and her sisters just had to refrain themselves from choking her!

A lot of families have someone like that.

Can u ignore her?
 
Lighthouse77 said:
interesting. but I don't think she is the type who harm her kids either. It's something else.

I just hate it that she make him feel so abnormal instead of someone who is individual who is just as good as anyone else. I'm sorry, I get very defensive of my husband, I know he is her son but I just didn't want to hear it from her. You know, she was the first one to jumped out and tell me about his ADD. I didn't need to hear it from her. My husband did not want me to know and I can see why .. He wants me to see him as a person, not someone with ADD label. He told me that his mother tell just about everyone he knows. I asked her about it one day (as part of our conversation) and she told me that she was afraid he would lose his friends. I was thinking...ummm, these people would not be friends with him in the first place if ADD was a problem. they were his friends long time before they met her. I think My husband is perfectly capable of telling people about himself if he wants to.

I know if my son has a problem, I would not go around telling people about his problem. I'll leave it for himself to take care of it. I want people to see him as a strong, bright, wonderful person.. not someone with a label.

yes, she does talk more about how hard it is for her. Like giving up her nursing career and such. But I don't know she is doing it for attention or not. It's more of like how hearing people look at deaf people, I think. I can't quite describe it, all I know, I don't like it.

She does act like she resent him. She keep talking about her horrible experience as raising him (he was a high need child who always seem colicky. Now my son was also colicky, but I have forgotten about it.. I'm only bringing it up because I can't understand how she remember him so vividly and I can't..)
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That is really the sad part. In her attempt to gain sympathy and praise, she has to do things that make her child feel "handicapped" and not good about themselves and their accomplishments. In order to get what she needs (feeling like super mom and the pity from others), she actually has to do things that hurt her child's ability to accept and overcome the disability. So while she is not directly doing anything to hurt the child, her actions are harmful to the child indirectly. She puts her needs ahead of her child's needs, and she places her child in the position of having to accept the role of the "special needs kid" in order for her to maintain her role as the sacrificing parent.

Any time you see a parent saying over and over how hard it has been for them, rather than concentrating on how difficult it is for the child, and how proud she is of her child for working to overcome his or her limitations, there is a reason to suspect that the parent is using the child to get what she needs, rather than putting the child first.
 
I'm sitting here and wondering if I should feed her, would she do it more. I wonder what happen if I say, "oh wow, you were a good mom. It's amazing how you managed to raise a special need child" (yes, her last email mention about it)

Nah, that's just mean.. usually I don't respond to her at all. Or ignore the part that I don't like.
 
Lighthouse77 said:
I'm sitting here and wondering if I should feed her, would she do it more. I wonder what happen if I say, "oh wow, you were a good mom. It's amazing how you managed to raise a special need child" (yes, her last email mention about it)

or am I being mean.. usually I don't respond to her at all.
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No, feeding into it will just make her keep doing it. She is getting what she wants, so she keeps doing it. You are doing the right thing by ignoring it. It isn't being mean at all.
 
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